ovarian cancer?? pass the wine...now!

2012-01-07T23:13:00.005Z

this broke my heart today..they are so little..:(

"They were crossing the street until a car hit the black cat.
The cat was constantly doing a massage exactly there where the heart from a cat is placed.(The heart from a cat is a little bit under his chest.) The vet came also after people told him, and he said he NEVER saw something like this.
But the cat didn't do that for only 4 minutes, he stayed and tried to wake up for 2 hours.
The video is just 4minutes.
People tried to help but the white was FIGHTING against them when someone came closer, he got really angry, but you can't see that in this video, they just recorded 4 minutes. A cat only fights against big creatures like humans when they have little kittens. But this here shows that cats protect also injured friends and he knows that it can't defend hisself. AND this shows that this cat has feelings. So it can't be just for sex when he defends his friend with his life. Cats would normally run away, because just for sex it isn't worth to risk his life, that's logical.
After 2 hours he gave up and so the vet checked the black cat, but it was already dead."

confused

2011-12-13T23:11:00.001Z

I am a little bit confused. On one hand, I am so proud of myself for doing the Kenya Cycle – I don't really 'get' the other girls post Kenya depression thing – I am still totally wired that I actually did such a thing! I was back in my heart – my Africa! Can't believe it actually…I would NEVER have thought I could do something like that. On the other hand, I was completely down waiting for a few horrible dates to go by. One, the day Dad died. Two, my Dad's birthday. Three, my check up. Oh, and then of course I am supposed to enjoy Christmas!! Riiight…like THAT is ever going to happen. I honestly don't think I will ever look forward to Christmas again. Every year, something horrible happens in December.

Christmas? No thank you. We are working Christmas day.

The confusion here is feeling great about an achievement I never expected to achieve – and feeling completely wrecked about things in my life that I can't control. WHY can't things just be enjoyable? WHY is there always, always something horrible to overshadow something joyful? It sucks.

BUT – I had fabulous news. You will recall me mentioning my Aunt had cancer – well, NO MORE! She is completely in remission! Best Christmas present ever.

And I, in the meantime, was wondering [as always] if I am still in remission or not. That's the thing you see – we walk the days wondering. We wait for results. We hope for the best [oh yes we are SO British!] we ask little – merely no cancer please. Please.

A few of my friends have recurred..it sounds so simple doesn't it? Oh you have a recurrence? 'So sorry'…but the word recurrence for an ovarian cancer survivor is like waving a noose. It's like a death sentence. In most cases. We do NOT have a place where we can't worry.
I do try not to worry. But it's impossible actually.

So today's check up was rather fraught [two weeks in advance fraughtness]. But the result was brilliant. I am STILL in remission!! CA 125 was 10 [raised again but hey ho] and the physical was also ok. YAY! This was all achieved whilst a raging fire alarm was going off, the hospital has gone mad – new extension, so builders and bollards everywhere, NO parking and total chaos…NOT helpful.

But, fab result notwithstanding, my cat is lost :(
Here's Bear. She has very distinctive eyes.

She disappeared before the storm we had…2 days ago now. I am beside myself with worry and have asked everyone I know for help. Local radio stations, neighbours, etc. and they've all been brilliant. But still no sign.
If you see her, please bring her to the nearest vet – she is chipped, so they will call me. Thank you!

a gift from my friend

2011-12-02T21:03:00.001Z

This is such fun! My friend Anita made a little video of quite a lot of the girls who went on the Kenya Cycle – this is mine, made just for me!
Her comment upon posting it on my facebook wall was: "I chose this song for the chorus...it's the bit at the end of this montage :0)" I am glad she said that, as the first sentence is something about being sick? But the chorus is:

"so I turn to you and I say
Thank goodness for the good souls
That make life better
so I turn to you and I say
If it wasn't for the good souls
Life would not matter...!"

It's by some band I have never heard of [this would be because I am an old fart and Anita is a youngster]. But I am really touched. Really. Thank you Neets.

www.justgiving.com/sandhy-cycles-kenya

anyway…

2011-11-26T00:42:00.001Z

I'm not strong. Not at all – I just do things as they come along. And I deal with things the same way. As they come. Once they're done – that's it. They're done.

Why is that not the case with cancer? Is it because we are constantly TOLD we are at risk of recurrence? If I had never been told that, I am sure my life would be [if not simpler] at least happier. IF I didn't KNOW that ovarian cancer has a very high incidence of recurrence, would I worry quite so much? Perhaps not. Perhaps. Who knows? It's now a moot point. I KNOW it can recur. I KNOW the incidence is high. I KNOW I am at risk.

It's exhausting.

I did the Kenya cycle – as best I could. I am so pleased I did it – the women I met were and are unbelievable. I loved it! Imagine…3 years ago I couldn't cycle to the Exeter Quay!! [that's about 1 mile from my house!]. My life is different now because of that. Ann Frampton is amazing – she sets up the rides – her mother died of ovarian cancer and she survived cervical cancer – get on girl! She does wonderful things for awareness and fund raising. I would love to be her assistant….

Here we are at Faraja – me, Shaira and Ann.

This week though, I am getting into the 'Fright Zone'. My reminder popped up in outlook – 'get the bloods done'. Next week. O.F.F.S! So I rang and made the appointment. Today. That in itself is an effort – it's like if I ignore it, it may go away. Well, it doesn't. It's taken me 3 days of reminders [grr] to get my butt in gear to phone.
So many times I have rung up at the last moment and had to have a mini cadenza to get fitted in [always my fault; but I always make the surgery appointment woman feel bad…and she always manages to fit me in. yay her]
Look at this – I look [and felt!] as fit as a fiddle! [fit as a fiddle? what is that anyway?] But, I do and did. WHY am I worried??

and here I am [alive!] at the end of the cycle with Vicky. Must admit, we both look rather scrumptious ;) NOT! But we ARE triumphant! As we should be.

So. What? I stood in the garden this evening. Looking at the sky – it's so cold. And so black. And so BIG. We are so little. I wished for my life without recurrence EVER – I wished for some normality. I wished for my life without bloody cancer at all. I cried. A lot. But I am not alone in this – I have the FH, friends, family. I have the girls on the face book group. But actually – we ARE all alone in this. Aren't we?

All alone…not just us – the cancery types, but the people who love us too. They are also alone – with their worries, their thoughts….no matter who tries to understand. No matter what anyone says – we are still awake at 3.30 on the morning…alone with thoughts of a horrible death…alone with thoughts of our loved ones deaths…it's hard.

But. And it's a big but. We have support. We have friends. We have understanding from some, if not all.

I am so grateful for that.

Here I am – with Lake Victoria! Amazing…

a moment

2011-11-20T23:39:00.001Z

thank you for this photo Delyth……it brought back the memory of that moment.

And that moment is truly memorable for me. I had been talking to Michelle Shoulder. Sitting on the edge of a ravine. As you do – another 'survivor'. We had our moment there – we made Bronze! We survived cancer, and we bloody well made bronze!

3 years ago I wouldn't have made it to the Quay….so. Chuffed to bits!!

the 400km cycle – entry 6

2011-11-20T23:20:00.001Z

well, that was a hard day! after the chaos of being stuck in sundry rivers, we eventually got down to the cycling. Bearing in mind the 5.15 wake up…and the major stone throwing to escape the flood that put us back rather a lot time wise. On this challenge, time always seemed to be very tight!

Like my chest. I was suffering from altitude and lack of smoking…I know. Sounds insane, but the less you smoke, the more you cough and I was smoking about 5 or 6 a day – amazing!

Last post from the Moleskine :

"I have a constant hacking cough and shortness of breath.The girls have rallied round and supplied cough sweets and Chest Eze [the latter didn't help at all]. The doctors are about as useful as a third buttock – to be honest, I am [at this moment, in my distress] not impressed. They must have realised we would suffer from chest / lung complaints due to the altitude, but they are rather blasé and I feel that they think that because I smoke, it is not serious. I KNOW it is, as I never cough from smoking. Ever. I don't draw the smoke into my lungs - so I am quite worried about my breathing. But the other girls have the same problem, even Vicky is coughing – so I let it ride. Oh stupid decision!

The problem started when we were riding amongst the Matatus – we were literally stuck in a traffic jam – one that gouted diesel fumes at random intervals. I now appreciate the UK obsession with MOT's! Anyway, once we arrived at our hotel, we were both [Vick and I] coughing our guts up. I was given an inhaler by one of the girls [thank you!] but that didn't help. And because it didn't, I knew I had a chest infection – I sat waiting for the Chest Eze to work. It didn't [even though I took a double dose, against the manufacturers advice!]. I sound like an asthmatic. And feel like one.

I am so tired I can barely write [my scrawl becomes almost illegible here] just spoke to the FH thank God, and Vick managed to speak to Ollie and Grace – so we both feel a lot better. But today was truly horrible.

It involved a 'bronze, silver and gold' challenge. Of course we all wanted to achieve gold. But the bronze section was so difficult that we had to call it a day. But we wished we hadn't, as the girls who achieved the gold told us that the bronze was the most difficult bit! Grr. We did the bronze in the midday heat [madness!] and it was so hard. So, I don't feel bad that I didn't get to gold. I just feel disappointed – if we'd known it was easier we'd have done it – but hey ho…we did what we could at the time. And we did well.

I am so proud if us for making the bronze stage – the hills were far more suited to a Tour France pack than a well intentioned, charity fund raising ordinary bunch of women. The climbs were steep, the shade non existent and the sun was ferocious.

BUT. The views were amazing and so was the team support.

the 400km cycle – entry 05

2011-11-13T20:34:00.001Z

OMG!! The rain came! It was amazing – sheet lightning and water everywhere. We were sitting upstairs, at the edge of the veranda, and had to run back and hide behind the bar as the rain was coming in in horizontal sheets.

Vicky and I had to be ferried back to our room by a lovely fellow with a large golf umbrella, very glad I was wearing Havaianas, as the water was inches deep. Quite exciting, as I love African storms. But of course, this caused a few little problems the next day! We were late for dinner, but not late enough that we didn't discover that we were getting up at 5.15 [what?!] with a 6.00 breakfast, then a coach trip out for an 8.30 set off on the bikes…with lunch at 2.30. Ho ho…NOT!

The dry river beds were rather wet. We got stuck, and Daniel had to give it about 4 tries before he managed to get the bus through. We were passed by some people in Safari land rovers – who merrily used our newly built stone road to go their jolly way – told off sternly by Carol for not stopping to help ;)

So that rather smashed our schedule for the day and by the time we got to lunch we were starved. But it was fun! The other rivers were flooded too, but they weren't as difficult as this one. Daniel was a star.

The cycling…well, will post later, tired of typing now!

the 400km cycle – entry 04

2011-11-13T19:37:00.001Z

Back to the Moleskine…scribbled and lots of arrows which now mean absolutely nothing to me!

"This was a horrible day for me. 57 km. Doesn't sound a lot does it? That's because it isn't – unless the cycle is almost vertical. Although when I woke up, I was amazed not to be completely stiff and sore. I wasn't, but my legs did feel a bit like lead. Result! Astounded to say the least! My biggest problem has been with the adhesions, and Michelle, who has had cervical cancer [8 year survivor! go girl!] was having the same problems. Feels like one's gut is being torn in half. Pleasant! Not. Here we are [at yet another Equator sign!] looking rather jolly I must say. Check out those knees! [mine – not Michelle's!]

Yesterday was very hard, the gradients were extreme [for me anyway]. I forgot about this [that's what the arrows were trying to tell me]. After lunch was a little disturbing, as Vicky and I did the last 4 miles through the village alone. We were surrounded by trucks, matatus, motor cycles – you name it, we cycled amongst it. It appeared to be rush hour. And the trucks and matatus have those exhaust pipes that stick out to the side. Fabulous for killing cyclists! Every time they change gear, a huge cloud of black smoke gouts out – and guess who was on the receiving end of it? Yep – us. Plus giant potholes. Arrived at Nyahururu feeling a bit out of sorts.

But this was more difficult, as the altitude really started to affect us. It's not high enough to make one sick, but it's pretty high. I was wheezing, and [much to my relief – sounds awful, but true] so were most of the other girls.

We did an EXTREMELY long drag today. It was unreal! We were stopping every few hundred yards to recoup. This involved stopping, eating jelly babies, drinking water, glaring at the soon-to-be-cycled-next-incline, cursing, bucking one another up and then cracking on. The heat was killing. We mostly got Cyclists Tourette's [you had to be there…] but we cycled up that hill!

We arrived at our lunch destination on the afternoon. Rice and meat buffet with salad and beans – good, healthy food as usual. For me, any food that is prepared for me and I just have to eat it, is great. And we sat outside in the sun of course, an added bonus. Lovely.

After lunch transfer 120km to Baringo a small village next to one of Kenya’s fresh water lakes. Over night at Soi Safari Lodge.

Getting there was fun – we crossed four [or five?] dry river beds. And one could see that they were flood beds…lots of stones and heaps of thorn bushes across the road. Our driver, Daniel, worked miracles [more miracles were to come the next day!] and got us there is one piece, but not without two of the women almost throwing up – the swaying, bumping and rocking in the bus was pretty radical. Lucky for me I have a strong stomach. I was just pleased the rivers weren't in flow. That would have been a tad complicated…little did I know!

We arrived at the Soi Safari Lodge. It is delightful. Loved it [although some of the women were completely horrified – no idea what they expected?]. We shot straight into the pool and had our wine pool side, even when the rains arrived. Then the usual unpack, pack, dinner, sleep…

Vicky with the Crocodile Boys at the lakeside.

The glorious lake view.

the 400km cycle – entry 03

2011-11-13T18:01:00.001Z

Back to the Moleskine again where my hand writing seems to have become more indecipherable every day:

"Ye Gods…up at 5.30! To cycle 99km! Yikes. Breakfast at 6.00 [my gut did not take kindly to this at all!] – fab buffet of all sorts of cooked things, plus fruit, bread, cake and coffee + tea. The coffee was AMAZING. Here we all are, I must say we look amazingly AWAKE!

Out to start warming up at 7.00. A publicity shot with Safaricom, who paid for our cycle shirts. They were lovely – most impressed with us doing the cycle. And really INTERESTED. Hoping to get the shots the chap from the newspaper took.

We cycled off at 7.30, stopping for breaks and to eat popcorn, crisps and biscuits every now and then, and most importantly to fill up with water. I've never drunk so much water in my life, and was very grateful for the Camelbak, even though it weighs a bit. Today was a rush, as the planning went slightly awry, and some of the girls were bundled into the bus to catch up to the rest. They were MOST put out about it, and un-bundled themselves as fast as they could. No-one wanted to be in the bus unless they HAD to. There were hills, and more hills. No WAY I am going to describe it other than to say it was UPward all the way. And hot. And exhausting.

Lunch was brilliant – our ground crew cooked it for us on Calor gas bottles. Then we had a visit from some cute little school kids so we could offload some of the TON of stuff we'd all brought for them. Eventually I think it was split between 4 schools instead of the original one which was planned. Thanks to everyone who donated kids things – they were delighted. They did a song and a little dance for us, everyone in wellingtons due to the rain. Here they all are shooting back to school, hopefully to get their little hands on some goodies!

Second half of the day was gruelling [the first half was too, but I started to run out of hilariousness after lunch!]. The altitude started to give us headaches [lots of delving into the drug supplies we all brought] and the exhaustion was making us all very emotional. The hills were unbelievable, long hard elevations, and HOT. Africa is drenched in our sweat and tears. But we made it! But no amount of UK training could have prepared us for those hills.

We crossed the Equator quite a few times! The FH thinks they plant those signs randomly on the landscape to trick tourists ;)

Thank God I did the training I DID do, or it would have been awful. Thanks to the FH shoving me out on the bike at regular intervals, I was astounded at myself, because although it was hard, I managed. And that's all I needed to do.

Tonight we stopped at Thompsons Falls Lodge. Again, long pre-dinner chat to buck us all up, great buffet meal and early to bed. Yet more packing, unpacking, losing things, finding them – REPACKING them – shriek! Never, ever mention the words 'duffle bag' to me again. Bloody horrific piece of luggage that eats one's belongings. Put out our cycle gear for the morning and collapsed.

Another 5.30 start tomorrow! groan."

At Thompsons Falls. Me, Michelle, Lou, Vick, Nicky, Maz [the maker of hilarious animal sounds], Anita and Helen.

The Falls before breakfast the next day.

the 400km cycle – entry 02

2011-11-13T16:45:00.001Z

Back to the Moleskine for this one too:

"The flight was, as flights are, interminably tedious. We were lucky, and had a seat between us [Sarah and I], Vicky in front of me and Helen 2 seats to my left. We had a a palatable dinner and all TRIED to sleep. With varying degrees of success. Mine being a 1 on the 1 to 10 scale.

Breakfast was a vile 'pastry' [pfft!] like a flat undercooked Chelsea bun – filled with plastic cheddar cheese? For breakfast?? Ugh. Gross.

We arrived at Jomo Kenyatta Airport which has grown substantially since I was last here. We had a remarkably pain free passage through passport control and no bags were lost - result!

We left the airport en masse to be coached over to Nyeri [4 hour transfer] once all the bags had been flung on the top in normal African style, with a big tarp over the top. Here's Daniel and Henk the Tank sorting that little lot.

And some interesting bits of road on the outskirts of Nairobi! Yes, that IS a road…

We stopped at a Curio shop along the way and had a cheese sandwich [?] and some coke. And I didn't buy anything!

We arrived at the Green Hills, Nyeri with just enough time to fling our bags into our rooms, then race out again for a bike fitting, all waving sundry bike parts [seats, pedals, hooters…]. As soon as everything had been fitted, adjusted 10 times by the brilliant mechanics and we'd had a quick practise ride up a very vicious little hill, we were able to have a shower and get ready for dinner. Pretty stressed at this point, as we all worried about the bikes being different to our own [doh!]. I was worried about the different gear system, but needn't have. Amazing how fast you get used to a new thing if you HAVE to!

Nyeri is in the Aberdare National Park and Lord Baden-Powell is buried there. Some of the girls visited Baden Powell's grave, most of us shot up and down the hill and got on to the Getting a Shower part! Dinner came soon after, but we had a talk first – we were so starving by that point I am surprised there wasn't a mass stampede on the buffet.

Food was excellent [we did all manage a little foray poolside for a glass of wine along the way], and we were all off to bed by 9.30 ready for a crack of dawn [up at 5.30!] exodus in the morning. 99km cycling approx, with lots of hills and eventually we hope to get to an elevation of 2200m and check out the views.

Here's the bed on our room – we missed the tray I think ;) There was another bed across the end of the room by the windows which I bagged. No mozzies! Yay!

the 400km Kenya cycle – entry 01

2011-11-12T01:22:00.001Z

Well. I did it it seems! I took a Moleskine with me, and for the first few days I wrote in it, then I simply gave up – exhaustion prevailed. Entries are scribbled here:

29 Oct 11 [in the plane]

"Can't believe it's here. We're going – in fact, we're gone! 4 hours into the flight and we're all very well behaved [considering there's a free bar]. I have Helen to my left across the aisle, and Vicky in front of me. So we make a little triangle.

The airport was a chaos of gibbering women, new WvC sweatshirts piled everywhere [thanks Lisa!] and a really festive air. Off to the bar with the lot of us, where we took over everyone's tables and generally caused mayhem. Then onto the plane.

Vick is in full film mode. I am in 'will I get ANY sleep?' mode, I am so tired but still buzzing away. More wine I think!

My trip up was ok – A303, a crash as usual, so a delay. But I still got to Fiona by 4.15 [this included getting lost in Slough! stress!!]. Fiona dropped me at the Virgin area at Terminal 3 [she was amazing – looked after my car while I was away, AND collected me after the trip! And she is a totally NOT stressed type, unlike myself – she actually single handed sorted out an entire traffic jam on the way home!] after some pizza and coffee at hers. Met her delightful little son too. So – checked in, sat at the bar and took out a 2nd mortgage to buy a book at WH Smith.

Heard from the FH just as he was leaving for Spain, and we left just after – just after he called to let me know he'd arrived in Spain. Surreal. I wish I could call the Wild Things too! [more about THAT later]. Here we are at the airport – I have bags on my bags ;)

So. Flight. We are in an Airbus! Hoorah! Civilised travel for a change – polite, professional air hostesses…room to move. A free bar – dinner that is actually FOOD…yippee! Even though we are in economy this is such a treat compared to the likes of Ryan Air etc – reminds me of flying years ago. Free socks! Woop!

After the free socks, we had some wine, then our evening meal. I am completely confused about the time. It's odd, as we are in a darkened plane. But most people are awake. Some are sleeping, but not many. We had chicken for dinner – with roast potatoes, Greek salad, piquant sauce and an 'interesting' chocolate dessert. Banana and chocolate? Ugh.

Virgin do not allow the electronic cigarette! Which is rather a bore, as I have one and was relying on that to help me avoid tearing off anyone's head [8 hour flight – no nicotine – hmm] . I asked why, and it seems that if [a very stupid] person sees one being smoked they will think they can light up a real one. Nothing to do with them being dangerous or unfriendly or hurting anyone. So I had a few puffs on mine in the WC. No harm done and less chance of mayhem.

We have films in the back of the seat! Books to read, free wine and blankets – so why am I awake?? Whatever. I am so thrilled to see all the girls again. Get on."

one day to go – thank you very much!

2011-10-28T10:39:00.001+01:00

I can't believe it! It's tomorrow!! We have had a last minute change of itinerary, [the last night is now in a rather spiffy hotel overlooking the National Park – cool!] but that's it – we're REALLY REALLY going…I feel mildly hysterical at the thought! Breathe…
And as I probably won't be in touch whilst I am in Kenya [not much Wi-Fi available there], I just want to say a HUGE thank you to everyone who has helped me to get to this point and raise so much money for these brilliant charities. £4850.00! Imagine…I was worried about raising the minimum £2800.

Everyone I know or have come into contact with during this past year, family, friends – even complete strangers have helped and supported me. It's been an amazing eye opener. People's kindness has brought me to tears on more than one occasion.

So thank you to everyone who has donated their time, their money, everyone who has encouraged me, everyone who has sent cards, called me to wish me luck and sent me quirky gifts, tweets, blog comments – you name it, it's all helped. I have my fab OAKLEYS [woop!] and THE most hilarious chrome Bugle bicycle hooter ever – it makes an unholy racket, so any lions will run away! What more could a girl need when cycling across the African veldt?

And of course, the BIGGEST thank you has to go to the FH for all the support through training, fund raising and random attacks of hysteria. Thank you for not beating me over the head with my bike helmet!

And I am taking my girls with me on the back of my hoody for some help up the hills ;)

Now just to pack the saddle, helmet and padded [and very elegant!] shorts and off we go. Feeling extremely trepidatious! Wish me luck, and thanks again!! I couldn't have done it without you all!

I imagine I'll have an interesting story to tell when we come home ;) Watch this space!

Jo

2011-10-23T23:16:00.001+01:00

Today my friend Jo died. She had cervical cancer – a recurrence killed her. I have lost it completely, and can not stop crying. Her husband kindly took time out of his own grief to let me know this evening. So I should get a grip – he did. Why can't I?

This is a photo of Paul and Jo, taken by Karen. For me it says everything – it's 'Just Jo'…that sweet personality shines through, that happy confidence. I just love it.

Jo was a really lovely person. I met her through this blog. She commented on one of my posts ages ago, when I was still in 'omg I am going to die' mode. She told me not to worry, she had been in remission for years and I would be ok. And it helped me. A LOT. We chatted back and forth and eventually became friends on Facebook. There's a limit to how much conversation you can have in the 'comments' box…

She had a Fairy garden on FB. She would play it on her iPhone under the bedcovers when she couldn't sleep [insomnia seems part and parcel of cancer treatment – we 'watered' plants at 3.30 in the morning…]. Her favourite films were Jesus of Nazareth, Enemy of the State and Conan the Barbarian?? heh heh – get on Conan!

Then, on the 31 December 2009 she told me she had worrying symptoms and was waiting for results. It seemed like a urinary tract infection. But sadly, it wasn't. After that we were more closely in touch, as I added her to the group on FB..Jo was our 'Honourary Member'. The only woman in the group NOT to have ovarian cancer – but not the only one who has had cervical.

Jo commented on a blog post I did [it was a special post for LIVESTRONG day.]

"I have been here for certain and I think it is an inevitable part of the process of coming to terms with how fragile, brittle and frightening life can be. When you get cancer you stare into the abyss. But I have gradually come to terms with it and feel less daunted about life these days. For me it was less about me dying, and more about what and who I was leaving behind. Frightened by how I would die, but not about actually dying itself. It all has to be sorted out in your head, and it can be lonely. No - it IS lonely. Without my faith and my family I don't think I would still have my mental health to be honest. With their love and support, I am stronger for going through it now despite all the darkness. Hugs X "

It says a lot – her comment. Even then, she was calmly accepting the inevitable. Jo was a very inspiring woman – not just because of the way she dealt with her cancer – her life was inspiring. She ran a business, she ran a household with a wonderful Son [has to be capitalised :) ] and husband [I know they are wonderful because she told me] and she had her Faith. But it was always her two men that she referred to first when she spoke of love and support.

Jo even managed her death well. "Frightened by how I would die, but not about actually dying itself." Her main worry was leaving her husband and her beloved Son. Happily, Jo died peacefully. I am so grateful for that. For her husband and son, and for her. And [selfishly] for me too – I feel relieved that she fell asleep on Thursday 20th October and moved gracefully towards peace over Friday and Saturday before passing over at 5:30am this morning.

So. Goodbye to yet another friend. Rant? Yes, probably should. But I can't. I am so exhausted with death. So. No. No rant. Just a heartfelt plea to Someone, Somewhere to find a cure.

The Kenya Cycle seems more relevant every day – these women would all still be here IF we had a cure! I would not be breaking my heart over Jo. And Gaynor. And Sweet Jane…my friends…

And yes Jo. You're right - it IS lonely.

A list in loving memory of my friends:

Jo McGowan
Gaynor Hall
Diane Davis Waller
Sweet Jayne Armstrong
Bj Gallagher
Patty Higgins
Thelma Huggett
Kelli Godfrey
Annie Prouse

We won't forget you! And don't worry girls – we WILL find a cure…

OMG!

2011-10-22T08:34:00.001+01:00

I woke up this morning and realised that this time next week, I will [no doubt!] be frantically stuffing things into a bag last minute and wondering what I've forgotten. THUD goes the heart! There are 50 things I should have already done, but time just disappears, and half of them will remain un-done.

NEXT SATURDAY is CKA-Day – the Cycle Kenya Adventure begins!! Here's the itinerary and below is the [approximate] scary map of the ride…but it takes ages to load…

But today I am trundling off to the Salt Mine, then coming home to complete a logo design and try to get some drawings of egg cups done [with animals heads – cool], then out again this evening to wait tables. Then at last I'll be able to pay the £290.00 air and fuel taxes on Monday. I am beginning to rather look forward to the cycle as a rest. At least I'll have just ONE thing to do…get from Nyeri to Lake Vic…alive!

NERVOUS puts it mildly, but also excited – only one way to go, and that's FORWARDS!

You can still donate here if you would like to help make a difference to research into ovarian, breast and cervical cancer. Thank you EVERYONE who has donated and helped me raise an amazing £4805.00!

women v cancer cycle kenya 2011

Find more Cycling Routes / Bike Rides in Nyeri, Kenya

7 days 21 hours and 52 minutes to go!

2011-10-21T23:28:00.001+01:00

What happened?? This cycle was AGES away…now it's next week! I don't feel ready at all, and yet I feel I can't wait to get there and get to it. I am going with a great bunch of women – they really are something. So we will support one another, and of course, it's always easier to achieve something as a team than it is to do it alone. That's the theory anyway!

I HAVE trained. The FH has been a Godsend, in that he has been forcing me out, and because he's faster [grr!] I am always pushed to keep up with my short little legs. He gets little breaks to drink water and rest while he waits for me to huff and puff my way to wherever he is. I get to try [and fail mostly] to guzzle water and speak [complain] whilst not being able to breathe…then off we go again.

To be honest, I am astounded at myself. I am NOT a person who has ever done charity stuff. And I am certainly not a person who has ever been sporty. I think the most extreme sport I ever did was ice hockey – and it seemed easy because I was on skates! A bike is a totally different thing – one has to actually put a 'whole body' effort in…but I'm doing it. And enjoying it.

Recently, we [the cycle group] have been wondering precisely how much of the money we've raised actually goes to the three charities we are supporting. Obviously the Action for Charity peeps have to make something, so we are interested in what is left after they take their cut.

I was interested [and shocked] to read the way that Cancer Research UK use THEIR funds for research. See below – ovarian cancer, which has the WORST survival rate in the UK [compared to the rest of Europe] seems very low on the scale.

So – now we know why we have the worst survival rate!!

Ovarian cancer is the second leading cancer in women (affecting about 1/70) and the leading cause of death from gynaecological cancer, and the deadliest (1% of all women die of it). It is the 5th leading cause of cancer-related deaths in women, causing an estimated 15,000 deaths in 2008. Incidence is higher in developed countries.

Here is what Cancer Research UK say [and - where does the other 20 pence in a pound go??]:

"For every £1 donated, 80 pence is available to spend on our work to beat cancer. We receive no government funding for our research.

"We spent £332 million on our annual research activity in 2010/11. In almost every type of cancer, we fund more research than any other organisation in the UK.

We need to make sure nothing slows down the tremendous progress we’re making. Whilst we make the best use of every pound we raise, each year we receive a growing number of outstanding research proposals that we cannot afford to fund."

This image is from Cancer Research UK. They are patently quite pleased with themselves. I am just confused – why not have an even distribution of funds?

WHY is the funding for Ovarian cancer research A QUARTER of the amount spent on Breast Cancer research?? Ovarian cancer is the second most common gynaecologic cancer and the deadliest in terms of absolute figure. It's insane – any research into ovarian cancer benefits breast cancer research. The reverse is not true.

Ovarian cancer is the second most common cancer in women - around 6,500 cases are diagnosed annually in the UK. Around one woman in 70 in the general population is at risk of developing ovarian cancer. Ovarian cancer often develops without any clear symptoms and many women only discover they have it once it has spread. Surely this warrants the self same amount of funding as breast cancer?

And here's a peculiar factoid I discovered on Wiki:

"A Swedish study, which followed more than 61,000 women for 13 years, has found a significant link between milk consumption and ovarian cancer. According to the BBC, "[Researchers] found that milk had the strongest link with ovarian cancer—those women who drank two or more glasses a day were at double the risk of those who did not consume it at all, or only in small amounts."

Recent studies have shown that women in sunnier countries have a lower rate of ovarian cancer, which may have some kind of connection with exposure to Vitamin D.^[27]

And another [rather horrible] thing I discovered on Wiki is this: Grade 3 tumours have the worst prognosis and their cells are abnormal, referred to as poorly differentiated. There are four grades indicating the likelihood of the cancer to spread and the higher the grade, the more likely for this to occur.

Oooo shit! 'Occur'. HATE that word. Although 'reoccur' is worse…I didn't realise that I have the 'worst prognosis'!! Ovarian cancer, as any other type of cancer, is graded, as well as staged. I had a Grade 3B [IIIB - macroscopic peritoneal metastases beyond pelvis less than 2cm in size] tumour. The tumour was bigger than my womb! [revolting factoid for your horror] the metastases was in the peritoneum. And other bits. Deleted.

Here's a world map – of ovarian cancer death rates. Nice huh? NOT

English: Age-standardised death rates from Ovarian cancer by country (per 100,000 inhabitants).

No wonder we're all trying to raise money for research! It's critical!

So all you women complaining about sore arms from inoculations and sore butts from cycling…worrying about whether we need mosquito nets and hair tongs…think about how bad it is for women who have sore arms from having an 8 hour dose of chemo…once every few weeks until there ARE no more veins to push the needle into. And no hair to use those Ever So Important hair tongs ON.
Be proud of yourselves for what you're doing – SO many women will benefit. And, God forbid, it could be you who benefits one day...it sort of makes the sore arm less painful doesn't it?

raised so far: £4,720.00!!

2011-10-15T21:05:00.001+01:00

Chuffed to bits! I had to raise £2800 to qualify for the cycle Kenya – my initial target was £3000, then I changed it to £4000…so I have surpassed my 2nd target! Incredible, and only achieved with the help of family, friends and amazingly, complete strangers!

Today, Linda Jackson [a complete stranger] donated £20.00…so unexpected and so kind. Thanks Linda, and even better in a way is that I now know that the blog DOES help some women dealing with ovarian cancer. Apparently it does give women hope. I am so happy about that. Pouring one's blood and guts into the ether can sometimes be a little nerve wracking. But just ONE woman feeling better because of my experience is a result like that makes it worthwhile.

I have 13 days to go until the cycle…I am ill – we have caught some stomach bug that makes you feel like throwing up all the time, and both of us feel exhausted. NOT a good way to feel if you need to train! Plus I have a back ache like the devil. BUT, as today was birthday celebrations for the FH [after work], we will go for a long bike ride tomorrow. Then just short rides until I go to Kenya.

I really hope I've trained enough! I'll do it no matter what, but I am hoping not to be in agony the whole five days…

no time! 18 days to go!

2011-10-10T23:03:00.001+01:00

well – what an interesting few weeks! Cycle cycle cycle and …

Sadly, the iconic Steve Jobs died...what an amazing graduation speech he made…it's gone viral. He points out that once you accept that you are going to die, you know that you really have nothing to lose in this life, so [basically] do what you have to do and the devil take the hindmost!
Makes a difference to how we interact right? Well, it should anyway.

There's an interesting post about him here. An amazing man – innovative, humble – and a visionary. He'll be missed, but will live on through his creations. To Jobs, the computer was not a mere machine: it is a stylish, trend setting device; it communicates, entertains, and brings people together. Jobs completely changed our relationship with the computer.
Steve Jobs was a man ahead of his time who died well before his time. His finger, not just “on the pulse” but pushing it like an "app".

And on a more tedious note – I have been cycling. Quite a lot. And I just wish the 29th October would hurry up and get here! I think all of us are tired of the constant need to 'Get Out on the Bike'! *sigh* – but it's got to be done…if we don't, we'll just die in Kenya [well, maybe not actually DIE but sure as hell we'll feel like it!]
Training is very important and we have to do it…but that doesn't stop us all complaining about it! In the UK there has been a lot of wind [dislike!] and of course we need to get our lazy butts up some hills [double dislike]. Hills PLUS wind…well, no comment!! Suffice to say, we're all tired of training and want to Get To It!

BUT…crap week of cleaning etc none withstanding [seems the company I was doing graphic design for has run out of work??], I had a brilliant day yesterday – it started out with a freezing morning at the Salt Mine [gloom]…but ended up being one of those days you just can't get your head around.

Story is: I've been shopping around for a pair of Oakley's. For weeks. I found them at their cheapest at £140 – so, I went mad and ordered them…only to get an email the next day saying they were out of stock! Argh! Rang up and cancelled the order – in the meantime, the Brother was advising me on eBay peeps that sell them. Great price, but no joy, as it would take 21 days for them to arrive – I have EIGHTEEN DAYS [omg!!] until the cycle, so couldn't rely on that. Stupid to try so late, but all my shekels have been going to the pot for the £290 air taxes.

The brother then rang me, demanding the details of the Oakley glasses that I want. He decided to buy them for me through his company as a 'charitable' donation – he already did a run and raised loads for me! So I resisted, as they are very expensive, he insisted [in a rather shouty voice! :) ] – and won. Brothers tend to do that. And it's just rude to keep arguing.

I got off the phone and I was in tears. Floods of them. It took me ages to sort out the email - isn't it strange how unexpected generosity makes one so emotional? He bought my Oakleys for me! As a donation!? Thank God? ER – no, thank the brother!! My eyeballs have been agony every time I go out on a ride. I have bought eye drops but they are just a reaction to a result, not a solution to a problem…and if I had to cycle through the Kenya dust and sand without a decent pair of glasses I'd probably have a small fit. Er. No. A BIG fit!! And a crash or two…

So, thank you very much Bro…I am really touched…and ever so grateful . You've certainly saved my eyeballs from being frazzled to death! :)

And today another lovely thing – well, two actually. Good things come in threes right? My auntie and uncle donated to my fund – check this out…I have now raised £4,689.00!
AND my 'Auntie' Kay has sent me a lovely card with some Canadian dollars in it to 'get something for myself'…and to tell me she is proud of me. I have been eyeing running shoes for weeks, as mine are disintegrating. So, shoes, here we come :) Thanks Kay.

Plus, a friend got me some Buff headbands at cost – yay! They are fab and really do work.

Thank you, everyone who has helped me raise this money, and thank you to everyone who has helped me keep a semblance of confidence, which may be just as important. It means a lot – and it means I absolutely HAVE to do the cycle [I have been wavering, especially this week] just because of your confidence that I will.

And I will!!

25 days to go!

2011-10-04T01:27:00.001+01:00

Only 25 days until we cycle 400km across Kenya? Surely not! It doesn't seem like over a year and a half ago since I signed up for this challenge. [although some days it feels like 10 years…fund raising is a tad exhausting]

The training is going quite well, although the mental half of it has been the hardest – just getting to grips with the fact that I should be able to do it [WILL be able to!], avoiding panic and concentrating on just doing it! Unfortunately Kenya has just declared war on the Somalian militia too – but that's about 600 miles from where we are, and hopefully won't affect us. Fingers crossed. Being kidnapped really would be a bore.

The FH and I have been cycling to Budleigh and back [about 35 miles round trip with good elevations] and it's started to feel like it's too short a ride Yay! That's got to be good right? Here's the bike and me on Budleigh beach…just after being yelled at by an Old Crone for cycling down the Front…what a naughty person I am eh?

The other thing I've been struggling with is depression – what? As you, my jolly blog followers know, I am usually a most positive person – but recently I have been waging war with PTSD.

It's insidious and subtle…it makes me lethargic and uninterested. It robs my self confidence and flattens my spirit. I am trying to find my own way of coping, but if I don't sort it out soon, I'll be calling MacMillan. But I am trying to avoid that really. It's not like I don't know WHY I am depressed – it's just that I don't know how to get rid of it. Logic doesn't seem to work. Apparently it's common. But that doesn't help either. The thing is, it's intermittent – so how can I ask for help? Mostly it's to do with work – not having any really. And death. And I am tired of not doing what I'm good at, and tired of working for the minimum wage…long and short – I am peeved in general! It's a common theme for cancery types – we just want our normal lives back – and that's never going to happen.

And the PCCI doesn't help! So horrible to think it may last 10 years or more. It's VERY frustrating, as non cancery people don't believe that it's real. Well. Take it from me – it IS. But then again, if I live for another ten years, the irritation will be worth it ;)

But all this BS aside – I am looking forward to Kenya. It's going to be an amazing experience, and an amazing achievement if I do it. Spent Sunday with Vicky the Step Daughter, and that helped me a lot – she has such a fabulous attitude. She has changed my outlook from worried to totally NOT worried. Gotta love that!

An ice cream stop on the way back from Budleigh…

So far, I have raised £4,613.00. Please, if you can, donate now – I would love to hit K5! Donate here.

Nobel peace laureate Wangari Maathai dies in Nairobi

2011-09-27T13:58:00.001+01:00

A member of the Greenbelt Movement holds a portrait of the 2004 Nobel Peace Prize winner, Prof Wangari Maathai, at the NGO’s office in Nairobi yesterday. Prof Maathai died of ovarian cancer. AFP

(Reuters) - Wangari Maathai, the first African woman to win the Nobel Peace Prize for her campaigns to save Kenyan forests, died in hospital on Sunday after a long struggle with ovarian cancer.

Maathai, 71, founded the Green Belt Movement in 1977 to plant trees to prevent environmental and social conditions deteriorating and hurting poor people, especially women, living in rural Kenya.

Her movement expanded in the 1980s and 1990s to embrace wider campaigns for social, economic and political change, setting her on a collision course with the government of the then-president, Daniel arap Moi. Maathai, who won the Peace Prize in 2004, had to endure being whipped, tear-gassed and threatened with death for her devotion to Africa's forests and her desire to end the corruption that often spells their destruction.

"It's a matter of life and death for this country," Maathai once said. "The Kenyan forests are facing extinction and it is a man-made problem. You cannot protect the environment unless you empower people, you inform them, and you help them understand that these resources are their own, that they must protect them."

Maathai was born in the central highlands of Kenya on April 1, 1940. She earned a master's degree in the United States before becoming the first woman in Kenya to receive a doctorate for veterinary medicine and be appointed a professor.

"Wangari Maathai will be remembered as a committed champion of the environment, sustainable development, women's rights, and democracy," said former U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan.

"Wangari was a courageous leader. Her energy and life-long dedication to improve the lives and livelihoods of people will continue to inspire generations of young people around the world," he said.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said: "The world has lost a powerful force for peace, democracy and women's rights."

"Her death has left a gaping hole among the ranks of women leaders, but she leaves behind a solid foundation for others to build upon. I was inspired by her story and proud to call her my friend," Clinton said in a statement.

Former talk show host Oprah Winfrey (R) and Kenyan Environmentalist Wangari Maathai (L) during a Tree Planting & Dedication ceremony commemorating the two-day "Be the Change" leadership conference addressed by both women at the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls in Henley-on-Klip, outside Johannesburg, November 25, 2008. Photo/FILE

"GLOBAL ICON"

In 1989, Maathai's protests forced Moi to abandon plans to erect an office tower in Uhuru Park, an oasis of green that flanks the main highway running through the centre of the Kenyan capital Nairobi.

In 1999, Maathai was beaten and whipped by guards during a protest against the sale of public land in Karura Forest.

The forest in Nairobi covers more than 1,000 hectares and is home to wildlife such as duiker antelopes and civets, as well as caves used by Mau Mau fighters in their struggle against British rule.

"We have lost a serious personality who shaped not only Kenya but the world at large. We have lost a great mind, a great woman who could change lives in this country," said Nairobi resident Gikonge Mugwongo.

Maathai called forest clearance a "suicidal mission".

"To interfere with them is to interfere with the rain system, the water system and therefore agriculture, not to mention the other industries dependent on hydro-electricity."

Maathai's movement spread across Africa and has gone on to plant more than 47 million trees to slow deforestation and erosion. She joined the U.N. Environment Program in 2006 to launch a campaign to plant a billion trees worldwide.

"Her departure is untimely and a very great loss to all of us who knew her -- as a mother, relative, co-worker, colleague, role model, and heroine -- or those who admired her determination to make the world a peaceful, healthy and better place for all of us," her movement said in a statement.

Tributes poured in for Maathai on social media.

"We join family and friends in mourning Prof. Wangari Maathai, a phenomenal woman, a friend and role model. You lived, you inspired," said Kenyan politician Martha Karua on her Twitter account.

Besides founding the Green Belt Movement, Maathai was also elected to parliament in 2002 and appointed assistant minister for the environment in 2003 under President Mwai Kibaki.

Kibaki said Maathai was a "global icon who has left an indelible mark in the world of environmental conservation".

"With the passing on of Professor Maathai, the country and the world has not only lost a renowned environmentalist but also a great human rights crusader," he said.

not blogged for a while…

2011-09-27T01:32:00.001+01:00

Patently, I am upsetting somebody [oh yes - you know who you are – so feel free to comment as you said you are 'itching to''], and I am sorry about that [very sorry actually], and it makes me sad. Very sad.

And it's made me not want to post for a while. Just writing this post is making my face twitch and collapse with stress…but I've decided after much thought, that I can't not blog because of you I'm afraid. There are too many people who rely on me to post. People who like this blog for whatever reason - usually because they have or have had cancer!

So. Thinking.

I just thought to put my own experience here. That's all. Just my thoughts and feelings. And of course my progress. I have NEVER meant to hurt anyone's feelings.

I am really hoping that my progress is inspiring. Not the WAY I am progressing [because usually I progress in a rather grumpy fashion] but the FACT that I am. The fact that I had Stage 3B ovarian cancer in 2008 and now in 2011 I am still alive….well, that's got to be a good thing right? The 'facts' and 'stats' would have me dead already…pffft!

Facts and stats? Get on – they are theoretical – theories have never been my favourite things. I prefer hard fact. And a lot of the information on the internet is NOT based on fact.

Just like opinions are not necessarily based on fact.

another goodbye

2011-09-10T21:31:00.001+01:00

This week I lost a truly lovely friend. The picture above just sums her up for me - that glorious smile. It says everything about her. She was a person who made me feel welcome in her heart the minute I met her. She was a breath of fresh air in a world where a lot of people seem to have an agenda – Gaynor didn't. She was just as transparent as glass. And brought in as much light. A beam of sunlight. For me anyway.

We met not that long ago for lunch. What happened? It is so surreal that she has died. I can't quite get my head round it. Shock? Denial?

Gaynor had a recurrence. Ovarian ~~bloody~~ cancer. Of course. They tried everything – different types of chemo, different diet etc. A horrible regime that never seemed to end. And was constantly painful. Horribly painful. But they did their best. And Gaynor fought like a tiger!
But it wasn't enough! Not through their lack of trying, but through lack of knowledge of WHY this disease comes back so viciously. We so desperately need more research into ovarian cancer.

Hence I am doing the Kenya cycle - not for me. For my friends, here and gone. To support those still battling, and to honour those we have lost.

It was amazing to see her strength in the face of it. She didn't complain, she didn't whine. She got on with her life as much as she could – driving her girls to swimming, going to work – usually exhausted, but always positive…here she is with us. We had a lovely day – full of happiness. And teal balloons!

Gaynor was a tiny person – same height as me, but slim as a willow. And bubbling with life – she never stopped! But the cancer simply ate her alive. It moved to her bowel and caused ascites. Ascites is horrific and very distressing. She was constantly having it drained as it was crushing the rest of her organs. The process was unpleasant, but she cracked on with it, texting and calling in the midst of what must have been a very uncomfortable experience.

She had serious guts. She was very, very brave.

She leaves three daughters, and of course her husband – all of whom she was so proud. She was always reporting on their achievements, large or small. I keep thinking of them all. And what their day must have been like when Gaynor died. I was shocked and tearful all day and achieved nothing sensible. How did they manage?
She died peacefully and painlessly in her sleep. I was so relieved to hear that from Andy, her lovely husband. They must have felt as if it was all a nightmare – perhaps hoping they'd wake up and it would all have gone away. Would that it had.

Gaynor. My dear friend. I miss you so much already. Your brave and intelligent attack on your illness. Your funny, witty remarks and stories - your calls...your advice. Your support of me. The energetic, non-stop way you lived life. Your fighting spirit. Your amazing shoes :) About which we had an ongoing and hilarious discussion.

You'll live on in my heart and memory, and in your beautiful girls of whom you were so proud - so you're not gone. Not really.

Just to say au revoir. Not goodbye - just until we meet again.

Gaynor does not want flowers at her funeral. As usual, she was thoughtful to the last - she would like a donation to Megan's justgiving page instead. Or to Ovarian Cancer Action.

the Kenya cycle: map of the ride

2011-09-05T20:33:00.022+01:00

Kenya ride map [sort of! some of the route is by coach, but the map doesn't allow the option to change from bike to bus so I just carried on the route] - if those elevations are real, I am writing my will before I leave ;)
If you use the scroll at the side of the map, then click on the button saying 'view full' at the bottom it will take you to the page that shows all the details, including the hotels that we will be staying at.

Only 53 days to go!! Cycled a quick 12 miles this evening with the FH, outward bound was great, cycling average approximately 16mph...then homeward, about 14 mph average due to horrible wind. But hey ho, the harder it is, the better for the Kenya trip! It's getting harder to be motivated to cycle as the colder weather moves in, but I am getting nervous now, so I am intent on getting out every day. With a couple of back to backs on weekends to give me saddle time.We'll be doing the FORCE Autumn Breeze cycle, approximately 60 miles [100km] soon. Hope it doesn't rain! Hills, wind and rain - ugh!

women v cancer cycle kenya 2011

Find more Cycling Routes / Bike Rides in Nyeri, Kenya

cycle Kenya is a definite!

2011-09-02T00:42:00.001+01:00

Well, it seems my brain may have fixed itself – I'm feeling almost normal again. Yay. I think. We'll see. I have my friend constantly on my mind, so it's hard. BUT I know she'd kill me if she thought I was like this due to her. And it's not just her. It's a lot of random things too. Hey ho - onward and upward. Right? Right.

Today was exciting – the letters came out from Action for Charity, to let us know we are definitely confirmed on the cycle! WOOP!! Lots of girls posting on Facebook to say they have their letters, so lots of glee! Quite chuckalicious.

The Oldest Step Daughter [hence known as The OSD for brevity – I can't keep typing all that!], Vick, text me to say she had rung up Action for Charity and is confirmed on the ride – I text back to say I was not yet, and two minutes later, the [beastly and LATE!] postman arrived with the letter to tell me I am too! Surreal! So now all I have to do is find £294.03 for the air taxes…heavens above! It's a lot!! Plus, Kenya insists on a £30.00 CASH payment [surprise, surprise!] for the visa to enter.

But there you go, got to be paid, and the result, lots of awareness [we hope] and lots of funds for research gained. Now just to train to get through the cycle that supports women everywhere who are either in treatment, just out of it or living with the delightful aftermath of having had one of these hideous cancers.

We live with the constant fear of recurrence…it's not nice. We are in remission, but the fear is always still there in the back of the mind. A repulsive rat, gnawing away at ones confidence and every day life. So any support is good, and this cycle is women supporting women.

Women supporting women who SO desperately need that support. Ovarian cancer, cervical, breast cancer - whatever! All these cancers attack women like Wild Dogs on a young animal – with no mercy, and a lot of gruesome bloodshed. Fighting it off is one thing – keeping it at bay – quite another. The strength of mind one needs to cope is quite astounding – I am not sure that I have it. I hope I do, as I need it. This is a trip one travels alone, no matter how many amazing people [and I have a lot of them!] are there beside the road – it's still a journey of solitude in many respects.

After all, it's we who could die of it, no-one else.

If you are at all concerned about any of these women's cancers, please donate here – the smallest donation helps. Thank you!

I’ve been given an award!

2011-08-29T20:23:00.001+01:00

My precious friend Tracey gave me an award because I make her smile. Thanks dahling! ;)
I am now passing this award on to 5 bloggers, as per the rules below, that I admire and who inspire me and/or sometimes make me laugh so much I nearly throw up!

Here is what the award is all about:

The Liebster award ('Liebster' is the German word for friend or love) originated in Germany. The aim of the award is to bring more attention to blogs with fewer than 200 followers.

These are the rules in accepting this award.
1. Show your thanks to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them. Right click the image and paste it to your side bar.
2. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.
3. Post the award on your blog.
4. Bask in the love from the most supportive people on the internet – other writers.
5. And best of all – have fun and spread the karma!

Here are my 5 nominated bloggers!
Janell – so insightful and nearly always makes me laugh. Except when one really shouldn't.
Sam – so bloody exceptional – all that climbing, cycling, fund raising – it's impressive. And exhausting!
Christine – brainier and braver by the minute…
Anita – oh yes we will!!
Nat – what can I say? you are my Guru

please think of my friend?

2011-08-27T00:21:00.001+01:00

This evening I have a face awash with tears. And I am filled with rage and sadness. I keep looking up at the ceiling – just to feel that wrench in the front of my neck – just to feel still alive. And to try to be calm and stop this crying. I have had the most horrible few weeks. I think.

Oh! Actually. No, I haven't; actually, I haven't at all. I just thought I had. But really one of my friends has. She is ill. Extremely ill. My week was simply filled with worry about her and her family and sundry other [quite unimportant somehow] stuff.

She is suffering. But she is a tiger. A fighter. A wonderful woman, intelligent, beautiful and interesting to know. She has three lovely daughters whom I've heard a lot about from her – all good things. I met them once. They are admirable. And beautiful too. She adores them, each one for their own individualities. And a sweet husband, equally loved – he has been amazing in his support according to her - and with the same name as my FH. Odd.

My friend has the orange top on in the photo. And the blue nails. Blue? Heh heh. She is in such a hard place right now. Sometimes it's hard to know what to do, what to say…so, just think of my friend please? It might help.

what a fabulous weekend!

2011-08-23T00:52:00.001+01:00

we had the loveliest day yesterday – Rick and Judi treated Julie [yes, yes, all my friends – far too many of them starting with a J!] to a horse gallop down the beach at Ilfracombe for her birthday. We drove [well, the FH did], Judi and Rick brought the fabulous picnic and Laura brought her Mum, Julie, who had visions of being shoved out of an airplane! It was a surprise – I haven't been able to talk to Julie for weeks, in case I let the secret out!

The beach at Ilfracombe

But it was much nicer than that – she had an hour of riding a beautiful horse called Apache across the sands of Ilfracombe at Crow Point. It's a stunning beach – rather cunning if one is prepared to walk a little way – one passes the families with their shrieking kids, barking dogs and sundry other horrid stuff, until one arrives at a beach that would make an Australian surfer gulp. Empty. Deep. And stunning. But no waves ;)

We drove down sundry skinny lanes with billions of humps to get there [almost vomiting over all the beastly humps], paid a toll [!!]then, whilst Julie was cavorting about on her horse, we set up Judi's picnic and delved into the wine. The weather was completely perfect! Windy, but warm and sunny…get on!

The sand dunes were great, the company was delightful. SOME people went bonkers in the dunes…and yet still managed to keep their wine in the glass!
I loved it. So good to be with friends and no pressure at all. Eventually we left; Julie and Laura had a 'roof down' crisis with their car, but we managed to get back to Judi and Rick's in one piece for more wine and the remains of the picnic on Judi's amazing front. Making the most of the last bit of sunshine, sitting on their gravel patio just finished the day off perfectly.

But even this day was darkened by cancer – Julie said that the young woman who accompanied on the horse ride has had leukaemia. Twice. Poor child. I really did not want to know this. But - it seems impossible to escape it!! – and it's driving me mad. I am sick and tired of cancer…but then, I always was I suppose. Just that now, it's more personal. Isn't it?

Good news though!! My Aunt has reached the end of her horrible chemo/radio regime…her email today made me smile. At the same time, it made me cry – the pain she is enduring….ffs…does it never end!!??

Tomorrow I am off to the GP for shots for Kenya. Whilst I am there I am going to ask about depression. Not sure that I have it, but I am sure I need help with something. Maybe my brain is broken?

And by the way – thank you so much the people who have already tried to help me with messages of support – it means a lot…

grumpy and sleepy

2011-08-21T00:41:00.001+01:00

I have been wondering these past few weeks if I am depressed. But I don't really know what depression is or how it feels. I am usually a pro-active, energetic and cheerful person – recently I am exhausted. And quite cross. And bored with things. And uninterested. This worries me.

This afternoon was a perfect example. I was working this morning. Lots to do. And I was enjoying it, as it's a lovely client who is open to suggestion. I was grafting away, when suddenly I just needed to rest. To sleep. This is not normal for me – usually I manage with a few hours sleep a night.

But this was overwhelming. I had to go to bed. I hate this! It reminds me of just before I was diagnosed. Even though I know it's not the same. It felt like my body weighed 100 ton. And my mind was a blank. I went to bed and slept for 4 hours! Not normal. I am worried.

The last few weeks I have been feeling strange – upset. The smallest thing makes me feel like crying - or I am just bumbling along, then I just start crying for no reason. This sucks. I need to get away from this and I don't know how. I don't know what to do. Or who to talk to. I hide it as much as possible.

I am in remission. I should be able to enjoy it – usually I do and I am ever so grateful. But the last few weeks, I feel as if 'Something Is Looming'…I feel like I am living on the edge. I am afraid of the Kenya cycle all of a sudden – the other girls seem so much fitter than I. How will I cope? Will I be able to do it? I don't HAVE 5 hours in every day to cycle for training. Or even two. Will I manage? Will the team help me?

Why am I so scared of life all of a sudden?

women v cancer conquer Stratford –upon-Avon!

2011-08-17T23:43:00.001+01:00

I can't believe this – I cycled 100km! We did the Great Shakespeare Ride, in aid of the Shakespeare Hospice. And as a training exercise. This is the furthest I've cycled in my life! Quite a few of the girls that I am cycling Kenya with came, which made it great fun. It was so nice to see them all again.

The longest day's cycle in Kenya is 99km – and we certainly won't be belting along like maniacs! We did the cycle on Sunday in 6 1/2 hours, including two stops [for fabulous cake and incredible pork pie! thanks to those volunteers – everything was free] – well chuffed, as I was quite worried I wouldn't manage it at all. The middle section was ~~horrific~~ ~~awful~~ not very nice. But the great thing was, we had 'proper' cyclists with us – and even they said it was a tough ride. So we feel really pleased with ourselves.

The FH was there of course, my Main Support Team :) Dragging up the hills was unreal – my chain came off due to the low ratio, and some Smart Aleck [I am being polite here] on his Skinny Bike [road bike] passed me and actually called me a stupid b**ch! I was so stunned I was speechless. And that's a new one on me.

There appears to be an hierarchy in cycling, where people who ride road / racing bikes feel they are superior to people who ride mountain bikes. I have NO idea why – it's twice as hard on a mountain bike, as they weigh substantially more. Would like to have seen that rude man do the cycle on MY bike. But after Kenya, we are getting Skinny Bikes ;)

Here's a pic of us, nicked from the photo site. Note pained faces, funny hats and odd t-shirts…not to mention those spazzy hats!

This is before we left our fabulous overnight stop at Loraine's house – where we had a great dinner, and were warmly welcomed – MUCH better than a B&B. Don't WE look fab in our beastly cycle shorts?

In the meantime, back at the cancery ranch, everything seems to be fine. With me. Thank God.

But some of my friends. Not. Last week [yes, it's taken me THAT long to get my head around it], one of the girls who was to do the Cycle 1 with us, died. Cervical cancer. She was so young. It's heart breaking. Infuriating. We chatted on Facebook – she was a very brave young woman. And I miss her.

This is why I am doing the cycle. To raise funds to enable MORE research into these horrible cancers – perhaps one day the amazing people who spend their lives trying WILL actually find a cure?

And to honour the women who have been killed.

and thank you Steve!

2011-08-03T23:45:00.001+01:00

hello Carol :) thank you for reminding me to post – and for reminding me WHY I should post – to let everyone who cares know I am still here, and all you cancery types – I am still beating it's ass. Too right I am. So far, so good.

my friend Steve Turner, whom I haven't seen for years [but I hope to see soon!], donated a great big huge tile cutting machine to sell for my Women v Cancer fund. It is worth £500. We sold it today for £325.00! That was the minimum we would accept, and some fellow bought it through the Riviera Tile & Bathrooms Facebook site. Way to go!! My new total will show up on the Justgiving site soon. Here's the beast!

In the meantime, I am cycling. A lot. Practice or training – whatever. Both involve hills!I I bought a machine for my bike to tell me how ~~fast~~ [slow!] I am going. It's brilliant! Average speed, time etc. But it's exhausting. The cycling.

I so hope I succeed in Kenya.

last but not least at the Mill on the Exe

2011-07-25T01:43:00.001+01:00

Yay! The LAST fundraiser went off swimmingly! We raised £587.50!! Thanks to the Mill on the Exe for hosting the event – the staff were all amazingly helpful. Janice and Ashley bent over backward to help me have a good night. And thanks to all the friends and performers who supported me yet again!
I had three amazing bands, all of whom gave their time for free – Mark Travis Blackstone with Freeway Split, The Raphaelites, and 'Are You Experienced'… they were all great. Really great – money couldn't buy better.

Freeway Split

The Raphaelites

'Are You Experienced'

Mark Tyler did an excellent job as the compère. He started at 5.00 and was there until the end, which I really didn't expect. We did a radio interview at 6.30 [?] which went out live on ExeterFM at 7.00. I got the giggles – no idea why. I just always imagine myself sounding like a chipmunk on radio. But Mark Travis was there to lend some sense! Although from this pic you wouldn't think so? ;)

The FH arrived early and manned the gate, selling raffle tickets to all and sundry. My best supporter :)

Claire was there with a table full of beautiful fairy cakes [they were a sell out!] and she and Sam donated half their take to the fund. They are a new business, so that was like IBM giving me £50 000…thanks girls!

And of course, the burlesque girls…well! They were wonderful! Cherry Ve'Dore and Lady Lace. Elegant and entertaining. Totally captivated the audience.

Lady Lace…

Cherry Ve'Dore

Thank you Alex Toze for the lovely photos!! What a pro!

And of course there were all the cancery types. That's what it was all about, after all…this is the only thing about events that daunts me. Talking to people who have had cancer. Or had a loved one who died of cancer. Everyone has a story. Everyone needs to talk and tell that story – and I am the perfect person to talk to, as I am also a cancery type…it's amazing, but it's very draining.
I came home thinking of all those people's lives; how they've changed. How they've struggled and will still struggle. The physical fact that one has recovered from cancer is a wonderful wonderful thing. I know that – I am living that now.

But it doesn't stop the rat in the back of the mind, gnawing away, telling you it's back…making you wonder if any little thing is the forerunner of a recurrence…the mental effect of having cancer is quite astounding. And rather frustrating when one watches adverts like the CRUK one running right now. Where everyone 'gets better' and 'donate £2 a month and together we WILL beat cancer'.

Really?

Perhaps they should perhaps ask £10 per month – wouldn't that be quicker?? It's a tear jerker for sure – their last ad was better. What we really need is facts. Not heart rending movies – but actual information about what CRUK are really doing for us. I know they are doing amazing things – they should put those facts in the advert instead of making everyone reach for the Kleenex. We cry enough about cancer and it's ripple effects. The devastating effects it can have on one's relationships. Family and friends are all affected – sometimes with horrendous results.

BUT, enough ranting – I am thrilled that we made a massive £587.50 from the event, bringing my total fund raising to £4671.00!! Please go here to donate if you can – I would love to make K5!

Thank you everyone who supported me in this – you are all amazing! :)

inclines

2011-07-19T00:29:00.001+01:00

Ok good I've had a haircut so I look MUCH better. Not so much like a Weetabix. I have no idea what happens to my hair – the sun gets on it, viola, I am blonde. ER – yuck! So off I went [eventually] and had the lot chopped off.

And I feel better too – I am quite seriously considering a grade 2 for Kenya. I am beginning to wonder if hair is over rated.

And I have been cycling here and there [sometimes with my helmet on!] – this Sunday we did a hill near us that last year I would have been crying at the mere thought of it. Yay. Made it to the top no problem. Hills. Horrible. Only good thing about them is IF one eventually gets to the top, there's a downhill!

One person whom I always think about when I am really struggling is Sam. She cycles. But she also rock climbs – see her here. Amazing. She's an ovarian cancer survivor. In the true sense of the word. She is a Vice President of HERA, she is constantly challenging herself – and she has a great sense of humour. She does inspire me.

And the check-up went well – my CA 125 is at 9 again. A rise, but well within the norms of 0>35, so I am chuffed to bits. I kept thinking something would stop me from doing this Cycle Kenya. All the worries with my stomach. But the onc did a good check and she says everything seems good to go. What a relief!!
Now to get through the insurance palaver…grr.

What amazes me is how far I've come. This is during chemo, 2008 – note horrible wig and steroidy face. And I was always so cold.

This is in 2011, just about to do 57 miles for Force – who'd have thought? Not me, that's for sure. I still have fat knees mind you...and now I am always hot! What a life eh? ;) In August we are doing the Great Shakespeare Ride – 100km.
Let's hope I can do the hills!

once more unto the breach?

2011-07-09T10:23:00.002+01:00

Here's the route for the Shakespeare ride...use the scroll bar on the left to get to the bottom and view the elevations...while I wander off and have my head examined!

The Great Shakespeare RIde 100km Challenge

Find more Cycling Routes / Bike Rides in Warwick, United Kingdom

madness!

2011-07-09T10:12:00.001+01:00

One of the horrible hills on the Force ride.

well, we've really done it now! In order to prepare for the Women v Cancer Kenya cycle, I need 'saddle time'. And training. The training weekend we did in the Cotswolds was great, so some of us from the first cycle have decided to get together again in August for the Great Shakespeare Ride. There is a £20 registration fee for the 100km ride, and any other time I'd have asked for sponsorship for the hospice, but not this year. People have been more than generous already and I really want to keep my friends :)

So – back to the latest insanity. The elevations look horrendous! In particular, Lark Stoke Hill, which is apparently a single track with a poor surface, a 1 in 7 (15%) average for around 1 and a half miles. SHRIEK!! The hardest hill we did in the Cotswolds was a 12% gradient and it nearly killed me.

BUT the entire ride is only 1 km more than the longest cycle we do from Nyeri to Nyahururu [approx.99km cycling] on the 3rd day in Kenya, so it'll be fantastic to succeed at this. A lot of this cycling lark seems to be to do with your mental attitude? If we think we can do it, we will do it? That's my theory and I'm sticking to it. The longest I've ever cycled has been the Force 50 mile, and on mountain bikes it was a struggle. But we did it [yes, I am quite proud of myself actually!]

So we're all booked up to go. We have accommodation at one of the Women v Cancer cyclists homes, which will be entertaining, as quite a few peeps are camping in her garden. Personally I detest camping, so I have booked a nice, comfy bed for us a very reasonable price. The FH took a bit of persuading, but as some of the other women's other halves are also coming, he's IN! yay! My ever reliable back up. And Vicky – who, being a youngster, is camping?!

The next post will show the route – it's impossible to embed it in WLW, so unfortunately I am going to have to post it using Blogger's posting thing – which crashes every 3 minutes and is quite irritating! Check it out [if I succeed!]

the next fundraiser!

2011-07-07T11:08:00.001+01:00

At the Mill on the Exe – see here for details!

HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE!

Hypochondria?

2011-07-07T01:36:00.001+01:00

As the check up looms I become more emotional. And a bit scared. Quite scared actually. Completely insomniac. It's normal – but it doesn't make it easier. All us cancery types are the same – check up time is murderous. We turn into monsters and we can't help it. But happily the people who love us understand. It's simply nerves. But nerves can cause untold dramas.

I am worried because I have a 'symptom'. Grr. Symptoms suck. I have a bloated tummy and it's doing my head in. To say the least. But I wonder if it's hypochondria? Or just plain terror of a bad result – I had my bloods done this week. That was fun. Not. I kept thinking I should have done this, or I should have done that…when, in reality, nothing I do will make any difference. Either the cancer will take hold again or it won't.

I damn well hope it can't! I need to cycle 400 km across Kenya on October! I keep thinking something is going to happen to stop me doing that – and I would be FURIOUS if it did.

So. Cross your fingers or say your prayers for me. I need every help I can get…

check up. and more cycling!

2011-07-03T23:17:00.001+01:00

Getting off the Exe ferry with the bike – a bit heavy for stairs!
Pfft! Would so love to NOT have to have check ups – but I am sure I'd have a mental breakdown without them. Even the change from 3 monthly to 6 monthly almost gave me a heart attack…but I've got used to it now.

This next check up will be serious, as I feel like I need full MOT before I go to Kenya. For my mental health more than anything. Plus I am hoping everything is still ok and the CA 125 is LOW. Lots of problems with my tummy recently haven't helped my mind set, but I will see what they say. Hopefully it will be on the lines of: 'don't be stupid'.

Obviously I had to get a waiver for the travel insurance – another one of those hideous phone calls where I was talking to a person who is not trained deal with cancery types – plus they quite patently find the entire discussion repugnant. Well – ME TOO!! I so hate insurance companies. But I am stronger now, and can cope with it without bursting into tears afterward.
But you would think that an insurance company specifically chosen for this kind of event would have people who were a little more simpatico – trained or informed even?? Pfft! Well, that would be a NO. grr. Anyway.

I have been madly stuffing my brain with work and cycling in order to avoid having a brain full of cancery stuff. The cycle training is fabulous for this – you really cannot think about anything else but getting your butt UP THAT HILL when you're cycling. Last weekend we did a 50 mile [turned out to be 57 miles!] for Force. The FH and I were on our mountain bikes – the road bike peeps kept asking us if we were mad [as they passed us at speed]…because our bikes weigh a ton compared to theirs, making it that much more difficult. But we did it in 5 and a half hours! brilliant – and the inclines were a pig, so we're well chuffed.

This weekend we did the Exe loop – turned out to be about 20 miles, and the track is amazing! Apart from one small glitch at Starcross, where the cycle path ends in a curb, as averse to a ramp…er – hello CRASH! My front wheel hugged the curb, I braked and flew over the handlebars. Even my best attempt at a commando roll didn't help – THREE grazes on my knee [how does that happen? surely one would have been sufficient?] a smashed back of the hand, plus an interesting shoulder wound. Thank goodness for gloves, or my palms would have resembled mince meat. I now need new gloves. Oh and a new knee might be nice ;)

So, here we have: insane blonde hair [what is that all about??], a grazed shoulder, knee and hand and a pained face!

The route is great – it hugs the estuary all the way to Exmouth.

We did home to Exmouth; in Exmouth we went to our favourite pub, the Grove [this is where we went after I was diagnosed – I always remember ringing my Mum and brother from there – it's my good luck pub! Views over the estuary are wonderful] then took the ferry across to Starcross because I love going on ferries ;) It costs £5.00 each plus £1.00 for each bike. But it was fun. And today was so hot! Amazing weather. I really need to get my lazy butt to the hairdressers too – my hair has gone blonde? Madness. Then Starcross to home.

From Starcross we made our [wounded and stinging!] way to the Turf Locks, where all they are allowed to give bleeding people is a 'non alcoholic wet wipe'. For which I was extremely grateful…but really! What happened to germolene or spray iodine? Health & safety patently put paid to sense. I put loads of ice on the bleeding bits and then had a lovely glass of medicinal [heh heh] wine in the sun.

We then trundled the last 5 miles home against the wind [as usual!]from there and had a fab bbq in the garden, which was like Morocco – HOT!! What a lovely day! Look – lots of Hollyhocks on the path.

KENYA BIKE RIDE: the REVISED itinerary!

2011-07-01T09:54:00.002+01:00

The first WOMEN V CANCER cycle [which I am doing-yay!] is 29 October – 7 November.
There are 4 further cycles on these dates: 6 – 15 Nov & 18 – 27 Nov 2011 / 11 – 20 Feb & 19 – 28 Feb 2012

I absolutely can't wait now! Only 59 days to go! I will find out this week if I am actually going – come on postman!! Hurry up! I hope I'm going - I've raised over and above the minimum target of £2800 too, thanks to all my wonderful friends and family. £4,528.00 so far and still counting :)

"But you can still donate here if you would like to help make a difference to research into ovarian, breast and cervical cancer."

Below is our itinerary as it stands at the moment. It could change but I am not as worried as I was, having completed a road cycle [on my mountain bike…groan] for Force. The FH and I did 57 miles, all uphill [impossible, but it seemed like it!] in 5 hours! A radically different cycle than the training weekend in the Cotswolds…these people were really competitive and don't trundle along at all. Then we did the Great Shakespeare – another 67 miles!

But check out the trip! I am hoping to post the map of the ride next week once I have the correct route. The hotels look great too.

Day 1: 29 October.
Overnight from London to Nairobi. 8 hours. Imagine 80 women all in the same plane for 8 hours…it's going to be hilarious.

Day 2: 30 October.
Nairobi – Nyeri - 5km cycling approx.

Morning arrival in Nairobi. Coach transfer to Green Hills Hotel in Nyeri (3–4 hours approx). Nyeri is one of the largest towns in the Central Highlands and the gateway to Aberdare National Park. Bike fitting on arrival [we are all taking our own seats – see example of bike supplied in Kenya above] followed by a short warm up ride to Baden Powell’s grave. The founder of the Scout Association movement spent his final days here. If it’s a clear day we’ll enjoy views up to Mount Kenya. Tonight after dinner we hear more about the challenge ahead.

Day 3: 31 October.
Nyeri – Nyahururu - 99km cycling approx.
[*62 miles]

Today is a tough introduction to the challenge. Once into the lush countryside that surrounds Nyeri, we pass fields of crops including fruit, vegetables, sugar cane, tea and coffee. It’s a long steady climb with several downhill stretches over small river valleys with some fantastic views. We’ll be able to see majestic Mount Kenya in the distance and Aberdare National Park at closer range. After 83km we reach the equator for the first time. Overnight at the Thomson’s Fall Lodge. As the name suggests there is a great view of the waterfalls from the hotel grounds.

Day 4: 1 November.
Nyahururu – Nakuru then transfer to Baringo - 57km cycling approx.
[*35 miles]

Shorter easier day, with some uphill cycling, through lush countryside. We leave Nyahururu and head into the Subukia Valley. After around 14km we stop at a viewpoint over the valley (2550m). From there we continue to Subukia town. As the day progresses we pass vast tea plantations with their light green hues. After lunch transfer 120km to Baringo a small village next to one of Kenya’s fresh water lakes. Over night at Soi Safari Lodge. Which looks fabulous! 'Giraffe skin' sofas!

Day 5: 2 November.
Kabarnet – Eldoret - 85km cycling approx.
[*53 miles]

The most challenging day of the ride crossing the Kerio Valley and climbing the Elgeyo escarpment. We start with a transfer from Baringo to Kabarnet (approx 1 hr). The ride begins with 18km of downhill, parts of which are quite steep. After around 28km we encounter a very serious climb on windy roads through a pretty forest with lots of butterflies. You will be given the opportunity to take up either the bronze (6km), silver (15km) or gold (23km) Hill Challenge! [er – no brainer, I believe we'll be doing the bronze??]

There will be a huge sense of achievement when we reach the top of the hill (2293m) and we’ll be rewarded with fantastic views across the Rift Valley. After lunch the rest of the ride is generally much flatter through a beautiful area with little traffic. Overnight at the Wagon Hotel.

Day 6: 3 November.
Eldoret – Kakamega - 92km (61km on tarmac & 31km on dirt road) if there has been no rain.
[*57 miles]

There are two options for cycling from Eldoret to Kakamega. The one we take will depend on the weather in the days before we arrive here.

If there is no rain we will do the following. This day is made up of two halves. Up to lunch time we cycle on very hilly tarmac roads which undulate through plantations and farms. There are some steeper longer hills when we reach Kapsabet. After lunch we cycle on a dirt track past small farms and villages and into rainforest towards Kakamega. Overnight at the Golf Hotel in Kakamega.

However, if there has been rain (which is not unlikely), we will continue cycling on the tarmac road for another 31km to assure that we have covered the same distance. From here we will be transferred the rest of the way to the Golf Hotel in Kakamega.

Day 7: 4 November.
Kakamega – Kisumu - 53km cycling approx.
[*33 miles]

Today’s ride is mainly downhill with some steep climbs. After 39km we get our first view of our final destination - Lake Victoria which covers 70,000 square kilometres and is the major geographical feature in this part of the continent.

Traffic starts to build up as we near Kisumu, which surprisingly is Kenya’s third largest town. We finish cycling around lunch time. Overnight at the Sunset Hotel and a well deserved celebratory meal. [which, according to travel reviews, has a lot of mosquitoes…]

Day 8: 5 November.
Transfer Kisumu – Nakuru approx 4 hours

We transfer by road to Nakuru. This afternoon is free to relax or take part in an optional game drive. Overnight in Nakuru at the Waterbuck Hotel.

Day 9: 6 November.
Transfer Nakuru – Nairobi approx 3-4 hours

This morning we have an early transfer to Nairobi. We have an optional visit [£20 per person] to an elephant orphanage the where orphaned babies are looked after & raised until they are ready to return to the wild in the Nairobi National Park. This 120 square mile national park is home to giraffes, monkeys, rhinos, antelopes and more.

We will visit Faraja Cancer Support to see the work of the cancer support project which we are supporting. For those of you on Facebook, their page is here.

We will be having lunch at the Faraja Cancer Support Centre, and can buy snacks or a meal at the hotel if we wish. In the evening there is no 'inclusive' meal provided at the hotel.

We overnight at the Ole-Sereni hotel which does look rather fab! The change in the itinerary is due to the blown up nightclub and bus stop in Nairobi. Action for Charity have decided that the Ole-Sereni is safer for us. Suits me! Check out the bar area, overlooking the Nairobi National Park…bring it on!

Day 10: 7 November.
Nairobi – UK

Transfer to the airport for our flight to London, arriving the same day. Drive home to Devon!

The Rift Valley shears through Kenya from Lake Turkana in the north to Lake Magadi in the south, crossing from inhospitable desert through fertile farming country and back to desert. It is a fascinating volcanic landscape and although most activity ceased some 2 million years ago, forces are still at work. Revered by anthropologists as the 'cradle of humanity', Kenya is the heart of African safari country, boasting the most diverse collection of wild animals on the continent.

It lies on Africa's east coast, and shares a border with Somalia, Ethiopia, Sudan, Uganda and Tanzania. Its coast is lapped by the Indian Ocean and it shares the vast waters of Lake Victoria with its western neighbours. Kenya's flora is bright, wonderful and often weird but extraordinarily diverse with some 10,0000 species from tiny wayside flowers to giant hardwood trees. It has no fewer than 1,033 known species of bird and range in size from the tiny sunbird to the huge ostrich and cover every colour of the rainbow. Kenya boasts some 160 species of mammals. "The Big Five" lions, buffaloes, elephants, leopards and rhinos all cavort openly in Kenya's main parks but rhinos are very rare and leopards are very shy.

All elephant Photographs above are Copyright by The David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust

This itinerary is complex and subject to change and © Copyright of Classic Tours

more cycling!

2011-06-28T01:11:00.001+01:00

I must say, I can't BELIEVE I am doing this. When I first signed up for the cycle it was as if I was destined to do it – Action for Charity 'persuaded' me, so did the FH. And I was ok with it, as it seemed light years away. Now, it's 123 days, 21 hours, 42 minutes and 3 seconds away! [yep – we all have the iPhone app!]. NOW it's becoming real. The fund raising has been exhausting but fun. The cycle training is exhausting but not that much fun! Well, it's fun, but AFTER the event.

This weekend the FH and I did a 57 mile cycle for the Force Cancer Charity. They are close to our hearts, as they were there for both of us during my treatment. We took advantage of their various programs, the best one for me being the Look Good Feel better day – loved it [even though I really had to force myself to go].

The day started out with drizzle – and we all looked completely…well...not normal! Lycra cycle shorts and hat [!] are not the most flattering attire ;)

We waited for the 100 milers to set off at 8.00, so we had brekkie in the meantime – Force supplied a fabulous kedgeree and porridge. All for free. I had kedgeree – the FH had porridge? Ugh. Then at 8.30 we got going. First thing that happened was a fellow fell off his bike at the start line! Poor chap – cringe!

Then we were off – there's something quite amazing about cycling with lots of other people. It gives you confidence and there's an amazing camaraderie. We were four deep on the dual carriageway – makes car drivers think twice about driving into one.
We of course were on our mountain bikes [Kenya I am using a mountain bike, so we're using them for training] – oh woe! The road bike peeps were going past us and commenting about how insane we were. We just didn't realise – the course is for road bikes. It's very hilly – road bikes are so light and have such thin tyres. Whereas our mountain bikes have knobbly tyres and weigh a ton! Well, we made it – we did the 57 miles in about 5 hours. Pretty good time, but ohmygod it was torture!! It seemed like the entire course was a big hill! My chain fell off twice as I tried to change gear too fast in the face of sharp inclines.

I was bitching so much on the very longest hill [Long Drag Hill to Nomansland] that the FH actually reminded me of when I was struggling to walk up the hills of Porto. Unlike him to drag up past memories of chemo – but it did make me think. I could never have achieved this then. I really would have fallen over into a shrub! Probably vomiting…and I did make it up all the beastly hills! Here I am, second in the pic. gritting my teeth and gears 1:1.

We eventually got back to Topsham, [with a lot of swearing and groaning on my part!] to receive a medal and re-register to let everyone know we'd arrived. Shot off to the bar and got a glass of wine each to celebrate – we couldn't believe we'd done it! 57 miles!! On mountain bikes! Bloody amazing – well impressed with ourselves!

Lay on the grass in the sun – listened to lovely live music and drank our plastic glass of wine. Too brilliant!

We eventually went home, after listening for a while to the live band and watching people [good fun]. The sun was out, so we collapsed on the patio on a big throw. What an exhausting day – we were in bed by 9.30 – but so worthwhile. This year I couldn't ask for sponsorship for the ride – I've already asked all my friends and family for money for the Women v Cancer cycle. But next year we will be asking sponsorship for this ride – and we will have road bikes! This year we simply paid the £25 registration.
Here I am getting cake! The Force ladies made a ton of it, plus sarnies…made me remember when I was in chemo. The Force ladies would come round with sandwiches for us. They are such sweeties.

Here's the ride map.

So – at least I now know I will be able to do the hills in Kenya. There we will be using mountain bikes – no frills, and normal gears. That's how I will train.

In the meantime, finding the expenses is a slight nightmare – airport taxes: £280 – visa: £30 – inoculations: £?? – malaria tablets etc etc…uff! But I WILL do this.

And of course, just to add to the drama, my check up is coming soon.

ugh.

women v cancer – training weekend

2011-06-13T00:40:00.001+01:00

Vicky and I before the ride

What an amazing weekend! 37 of the 80 women doing the first cycle [I think 37?] all got together this weekend for a training weekend. We arrived Friday night for what was to be a 2 day training session of 40 miles per day in the Cotswolds. Ho ho. Stupid English weather fixed that plan!

Check out my lovely hat…

Friday night we stayed at the Volunteer Inn in Chipping Campden. Great place – absolutely spotless! Loved it.
I drove up after a manic days work, through such heavy rain that I had the fog lights on all the way – visibility was about 10 yards! I was nervous about meeting lots of women all at once, and terrified about having to cycle 40 miles per day…my training has been non existent. So we all met up for drinkies [and CAKE!!] and some dinner [do not have an omelette in a curry house – yuck. Curry looked fabulous though!] Then rather decorously went to bed at 11.30 with plans to meet for brekkie at 7.30. We had to be at Vicarage Farm by 9.00 for a 9.30 set off.

Saturday we all sprang up, had a full English, nicked a few bananas and tootled off behind the extremely organised Anita, bikes sticking out of every vehicle. We had an introduction to the day, met the man on the ground, Ed [he was support – and so chirpy as we slogged up the hills that we wanted to kill him heh heh], Calum – our first port of call for all queries, his mum, and Reg the support vehicle driver. We had Nicky Jones, our very own tri-athlete too. She raced up and down like a maniac giving advice and directing us. Then we had the awesome Trisha, who is coming on the cycle – she did the route and made sure none of us got run over by a bus, tractor or car. She also adjusted our bike seats etc so we were more comfortable. A very useful person.

Organised, and off we went. We stopped at the Fleece Inn for a rather interesting lunch of tomato soup, chips and bread rolls. All morning we had sun and it was great, but as we left the Fleece the weather closed in. The upshot of which was that we did 48 miles!! In ONE day…as we left, the rain arrived. But we were lucky and it didn't drown us.
Here is Vicky and me leaving the Fleece. Why we look so cheerful I can't begin to imagine!

I really struggled with the hills. One of them I am sure was actually vertical, and I had to get off the bike half way and walk – I was crying with rage! But, with a bit of advice from the girls, I made it up a really long hill with a 12% gradient – I am so pleased!

Saturday night we had dinner and mistook one of the girls for Aggie! I still have no idea who I was talking to, but it was not Aggie. Here I am in full training mode on the way to the Red Lion for my dinner.
All told, a fabulous day because I am now confident I can do the Kenya cycle. I am amazed that I managed to cycle a whole 48 miles – I really didn't think I'd do it.

Plus we met up with loads of amazing women who, until now, I've only been in touch with on Facebook. The camaraderie and support were amazing. It was great fun – unfortunately, Sunday's weather was a nightmare. I didn't see any point in putting myself through torture, plus risking a cold, so I bottled it and came home on a high.

The drive was awful again – and some of the girls stayed and cycled in the horrible gales and rain! All credit girls, I had enough trouble keeping the car on the road!

So I have just booked up for a 50 mile cycle for Force – good practice and I need the saddle time. I do rather wonder if I've lost the plot ;)

friends in the USA

2011-06-08T23:17:00.001+01:00

Ovations have been very kind to me – and to lots of other women. They recognize that ovarian cancer patients may need help and guidance while battling this disease. In many ways – not just the physical battle, but the mental one, and the everyday one where even cleaning the house or cooking a meal can be too much.

They have a new program called 'helping hands'. One of the ways they assist patients in need is by providing a healthy, well-balanced diet. And now, thanks to tremendous support from their generous sponsors, they can provide patients with meals - free of charge - across the state of Massachusetts.

So, if you're in need, call them! Oh, and check this out:

Loving the t-shirts! :)

Find Ovations for the Cure on Twitter and Facebook. You'll be glad you did.

our 11th anniversary

2011-06-06T23:36:00.001+01:00

well. I've been married to the FH 11 years today – astounding! time flies when you're having fun! And we really have had some fun – and some very dark times too.

My office smells beautiful – this morning I had a great big bouquet of lilies…and a lovely card…the photo is of us cutting our 'cake' – a massive pile of meringues which went with a huge bowl of strawberries, and another of clotted cream…I have my Gran's Victorian scarf on [for something old], and my Mum's amethyst ring [for something blue].

I was thinking about this [the dark times] at the weekend. We've been through so many troubles. We seem to attract drama of the worst kind – divorce, CSA [translate – blood sucking imbeciles], redundancy [both of us at the same time!], unemployment [again, both at the same time], accidents, car problems [er – these cost a fortune!], house problems [these too!], volcano deleted holidays...you name it...we've dealt with it. Oh and of course the cancer crap.

How can a person ever know WHAT they are getting into when they get married? Ah – in 'sickness and in health' – no-one really understands that part. The FH thought he was marrying a fit and fat individual. And he was. Fat. Not so sure about the fit bit…but I was a normal healthy woman – with normal healthy appetites for life. How that has changed. And how supportive has the FH been. He is an amazing person – his own everyday stresses are horrendous. Running your own business sucks – people get the idea that if you have your own business, you must be at the top of the food chain. Er – not. It sucks – no paid holiday, no wages at all if the people don't come in and buy. Bah. Hate it.

And we have struggled. A lot. We still are struggling now. But – we struggle together. We meet every challenge together. We deal with every difficulty as a team. It's hard. But – we also have fun – we go off on mad trips – the FH is a genius for planning 'Stuff'. Stuff that doesn't cost us a fortune, but always means we have a great time. I have had the best holidays of my life with this man – and that's saying something, as I have had a brilliant life, full of travels. But the FH always always manages to think up something new and fun…

He even managed it while I was in chemo. He is a genius for making happiness happen. I am so lucky.

I am so happy today! I hope to God I remain in remission for ever?

still raising funds!

2011-05-30T23:25:00.001+01:00

What a busy year this is – the time is just flying away…it's like water slipping through my hands. So many things happening all the time and I can't keep up. So many people I am neglecting…but luckily for me, I know they understand.

Friday just gone Vicky and I did a fund raiser in Stoke at the Baddeley Green Working Men's Club again – we raised £1225.00 before expenses. Vicky and I came away with £450 each to add to our Cycle Kenya funds – brilliant! I still have a load of money to put into my justgiving page, but haven't had time. I barely have time to sleep!

Saturday, I met up with some friends – one old friend I have known since my diagnosis yet never actually met, Emily. Two other friends I have met since then through Ovacome, and they have joined the jolly cancery group on Facebook. We had a lovely lunch and a massive chat – what a great afternoon. As usual, I was shattered…we took 4 1/2 hours to get to Stoke, did the event, collapsed into bed and then Saturday lots going on then the drive home [which was excellent – only 3 hours!].

And here's another friend I met up with in Stoke :) Annie couldn't make the lunch, but she made the event! Thanks sweetie!

In July, I am doing the LAST but not least fundraiser for the cycle Kenya fund – still trying to organise the date, but it will be fab if it comes off, as we have a free event photographer, a gorgeous Burlesque dancer, two bands [so far] and a BBC Devon newsreader to compère the event. Yay! Just some confusion over the date at the moment, but as soon as that is resolved, I will post the event here.

I started training for the Kenya cycle today [better late than never eh?] – 10 mile round trip in horrible wind. I seriously hate wind – I suffered from earache as a child, and wind always makes my ears try to kill me. And I am struggling with my hands being so painful since chemo and with the adhesions. But I WILL do this. I will. Although today I rather thought I wouldn't…I really hate wind…all I kept thinking was there will not be freezing wind in Kenya! Didn't stop me thinking I wouldn't be able to do it though..but I will. I have to!!

This was after a shopping trip [or three] to buy the necessities for the training weekend in the Cotswolds the week after next – shorts, helmet, waterproof jacket etc. I'll need all those things in Kenya, so hey ho – but being involved in a charity event is expensive! But worth it. In the meantime, the check up looms…but so does another week in Spain! yay!

I refuse to entertain any other result of my check-up than a good one. Most of the time.

passing

2011-05-15T01:58:00.001+01:00

time. passing time – that's what we want to say isn't it? but really, it's passing people…actually I hate the expression 'so and so has PASSED'. They died for Pete's sake – they didn't PASS anywhere.

The last few months have been exhausting with all the damned 'passing'. I'd quite like it to STOP now thanks.

First. My Dad. Then. Too many lovely women being killed by this disease…Enough that I know them. Too much that I know them and they died. Or knew. I knew them. Or a little of them. Now, I remember them. I remember their fight. Their way of coping. Their enforced energy in the face of exhaustion. Their pride and strength in the face of the fear.

Them. Their selves. I am so sad for their families.

As for me. I have had a completely hideous week. On Tuesday I was ill. Just your normal illness, gut rot! I had horrible stomach pains and felt sick all day - I had to meet a client, and luckily the design manager brought us cookies. Seems like sugar was what I needed most, as soon as I ate one, I felt better for hours. But it didn't last. I have been feeling ill on and off all week. The most worrying thing being the complete exhaustion. Today I went to bed at lunchtime – this is the first time I've done this since I was in chemo. So. You can imagine – I am worried. These are symptoms – pain in the gut, exhaustion, bloating [yep, I have that too]. I just want to sleep all the time.

Worry worry. I didn't know my check up date until today as I wasn't concerned – I felt great until this week. Now, I KNOW the date – and may bring it forward.

Why is it that cancer is such a mental disease as well as a physical one? My brain is just like the Peperami ad…full of deranged things racing about…

And here is the FH enjoying Wembley

so sad...

2011-05-05T01:51:00.002+01:00

we lost yet another amazing woman to this vicious disease.

Goodbye Sarah - you have helped me to realise that we CAN fight it if it comes back. And that we can also choose a dignified death.

But we'll miss you. I'll miss you. Your family most of all, will miss you.

So. It sucks. But Sarah has left the building!

frenzied activity

2011-04-28T00:18:00.001+01:00

well today has been interesting on the ovarian cancer awareness front! Facebook and Twitter have been alive with comment and conversation. All over the news, on breakfast and lunchtime TV too. Because AT LONG LAST 'NICE' [a misnomer if ever there was one] have decided in their Majesty, that it would be a good idea to test for ovarian cancer when the symptoms present.

Ffft! How obvious IS that?? "New guidance published today (27 April) from NICE calls for improved testing to allow faster diagnosis" – we have been 'calling' [what?] for that for years now. Fabulous that they've final got with the program. Took long enough…

Articles:

"Women who have ovarian cancer could have a greater chance of surviving the disease if more blood tests are offered in primary care. "

"This clinical guideline offers evidence-based advice on the care and early treatment of women with suspected or confirmed ovarian cancer."

"GPs should offer more blood tests to try to detect ovarian cancer earlier, according to new guidelines for the NHS."

"Call for action to detect Ovarian Cancer" [video]

NICE guidelines [PDF]

etc etc…this is none too soon. Whilst ~~NASTY~~ NICE have been prevaricating, women have been fobbed off with diagnoses of IBS, indigestion – blah blah. And all through ignorance. Those women may have effectively been dealt a death sentence. Late diagnosis is often lethal.

Educate yourself about this horrible disease.

What is really irritating is that they [NICE] say [to GP's]: "Carry out tests in primary care…if a woman (especially if 50 or over) reports having any of the following symptoms on a persistent or frequent basis…" ESPECIALLY IF 50 or OVER?? I know a lot of women with ovarian cancer – and the MINORITY of them are over 50. WAKE UP!!

grr. It's a step. And late in the day. But a step nevertheless. And the publicity has been awesome! Good thing!

the selfish writer

2011-04-26T00:00:00.001+01:00

So. Here we are again. Blogging. What IS blogging anyway? Who made up that word?? Apparently, 'blog' is a merging of the words: web+log. Web log? WTH? Whatever…it's not really important is it? It's a blog. It's MY blog. Blog away. Ok. I will.

The photo is of Bear. Bravest of the brave in the house – Chickens-Ville Arizona outside. ;) good! But her fear is touching.

Someone asked me recently how I find the 'time' to blog. And yes, I'm busy – but. My answer is that I do not 'find' the time...I MAKE the time, usually late at night after everything is done. Or not done. When I should be asleep. When my brain starts to work overtime…when I think about things that really, I could do without thinking about. But, being insomniac, what the hell eh? Might as well do something with the time? And boring the world to tears [or with tears] seems a good use of otherwise wasted [stressing out] time.

I 'MAKE' the time for my sanity. This blog is not really written for other people, as I've mentioned before – I am selfishly writing it for me, and sometimes I write posts for other people's benefit. But I'd be a liar if I said I write the blog for the greater good. I am not a Saint. I don't. I always hope that my posts are useful to women like me. Of course I do. I hope I give some small encouragement. I hope they find ME before they find the Doomsayers. Or the Religious Nut cases…wow are they scary!?

But as I said when I started this, I am writing to save myself. To 'vent into the BlogUverse' if you will. The people who follow this will understand – most of us are the same. Well, it's not like we're writing to win an award is it?? We're writing to vent. Writing to clear our heads. We're not writing to upset people or inspire people particularly…we are writing our FEAR out. Writing our hearts out. Writing to feel calmer. Writing to remain sane.

This year has already been quite frightening. I lost CJ in March. I seem to be losing Sarah. This weekend I lost Pateeta…and now one of my dearest has just been diagnosed…I AM SICK OF THIS! [see: rage]

The rage seems to appear when there's either a death or a new dx. New dx in the family – well. That's just a bit hard to swallow. It's just rude and infuriating. Although I am pleased I am able to offer advice from experience. ONE good thing eh? Oh joy.

But I am hoping [so hoping] that I will be able to help. Be able to ease this persons journey. I am hoping I can say the right things at the right time. One thing I do know is, that this is hard.

Very hard.

Easter? what about it?

2011-04-25T00:04:00.001+01:00

The FH and I are working Easter Friday and Easter Monday; it makes no difference to us if it's a holiday. We sort of forgot about Easter until today when we wanted to buy wine and realised all the shops [rightly so] were shut! Except for the Spar…yay them!

Holiday?? We don't really have them, as we are both self employed…as all self employed peeps will appreciate. BUT, we can take holiday if and when we want to if it's financially viable, so we can't complain! We spent Saturday and Sunday building a new gate. Our old one rotted out after a good 10 years…the FH did a totally fab job!

Measuring the ledge and braces…

The gate with undercoat – tomorrow – panel painting and then the gate will go lavender to match the rest of the sills and trims of the house.

But today I am sad...not another one? Oh. Yes. Another one. grr. Sarah has decided to stop her treatment. And I applaud her. She has children to think about in the NOW – as she says, better to be "a mom AROUND and PARTICIPATING, not hiding inside all summer and watching their birthday parties on video at the end of the day". Treatment now would simply make her more ill and lying in bed all day.

But still. Even though I applaud her decision, it still makes me so, so sad. I have been reading Sarah's blog since my dx. Initially, she REALLY irritated me, as she seemed to be blathering on about clothes all the time. I shouted at her. She replied in a kind way – understanding my crossness. Is 'crossness' a word?? Anyway, after that, I read Sarah's blog whenever there was an update. So I feel that I 'know' her a little. Strange how communicating via blog can make you attached to someone.

Sarah has fought hard. And she has fought with style and panache! Long may she carry on I say. The decision she has made is TRUE bravery – she could have done something different. And why not? But she actually CHOSE this path.

Heartbreaking. But also encouraging – an excellent example of going out with dignity.
PLEASE donate here to help raise funds for research into ovarian, breast and cervical cancers - they are killing my friends!! it has to stop! And it will only stop with more research to find a cure.
please help with a few pounds?
thank you

how am I?

2011-04-19T00:34:00.001+01:00

How am I REALLY you ask? Well! Well…

A lot of people have asked recently; "how are you doing really?" by DM's, messages and comments, as I suppose most of my blog posts now are 'normal' stuff – fund raising, Kenya cycle, kittens [translate as Attila the Hun and Genghis Khan in fur], my dad dying and sundry other blathering. The blog isn't really a 'cancer' blog any more. Yay me – it's a survivor blog. Happy day.

I forget to 'report back' and I know the people who follow this blog would like to know quite where I am. Because they are either going through what I went through, or worse. Probably worse.
So. Ok. You want it, you get it :)
I have FINALLY started to feel 'normal' again after all this time. If I think about cancer it is mostly in relation to the cycle and my fund raising. I think I may have walked [walked? fought!! swearing all the way!] out of the fugue that is a cancer dx, chemo and the horrible and [barely noticeable when you're in it] aftershock. It has taken what? Feb 2008 until now…over 3 years. Physically, definitely. I am now strong again where I was so, so weak and exhausted. I never thought I'd be able to do the things I do now…ever again.

But I did struggle to get here – I did circuit training classes. I have been doing high intensity spinning classes. I dislike both – I am not Sporty Spice – my ideal is to loll about and read a book, drink some wine, have a cigarette. But I forced myself – and I mean, really. I had to FORCE myself to do these things. Plus last year was a nightmare as far as earning money was concerned – BUT, I think everything happens for a reason – I was cleaning 2 bed chalets, hauling laundry, digging gardens…the first few weeks of the chalet cleaning I used to cry making the beds, as the laundry was so heavy that I was in agony. But over last summer, I got strong. And I intend to remain that way. Winter, I was carrying tons of laundry on my head through 11 inches of snow for Pete's sake…even people who've never had chemo etc would struggle with that. My bloody feet and hands were blue! But I did it. And this may sound facetious, but I am quite proud of myself for that. I am.

Thinking back for this post, which I can honestly say I rarely do now, makes me feel a little sick. It makes me feel like crying – remembering the horrible exhaustion; the pain during chemo which I tried [I think I failed!] to play down – the horror of having no hair [which now seems so silly – but at the time it really was a serious nightmare. And I know I'm not alone in this!]…the every day terror of the next chemo, the next CA 125 result. Ugh. Smashing my head open and needing stitches when I passed out - luckily that only happened to me once. My friend Tracey stills suffers with that 'side effect'. Hoo. Enough of that! Now I am stopping with the memory BS. It's not worth it. Other than to gauge how far I have come.

I have 'proper' work now. Graphic design, freelance, but still, work I know I can do well – thank God for that. I am so grateful. It's non stop, and it's taking me a while to get back into the throes of it – in fact, that's crap – I've NEVER worked like this! It's a frenzy from morning until night – a lot of the work we do is for newspapers and publications – sometimes a job comes in, and has a deadline of 30 minutes…NOT at all like the sedate and cumbersome pace I knew at Cinca. I am now a whirling dervish! And the chemo brain is extremely frustrating. But it seems to be improving. Or I am getting better at taking notes?

And. A lot of people have NOT asked how I am. Which sometimes strikes me as odd, as I know very well that in an inverse situation I would ask. But then again, I have the 'advantage' of having had cancer – it makes me so open to other people's problems. IF they want. But, *sigh*, it's to be expected I suppose – some people seem to think that once you've got your hair back you're fine, and should 'get over yourself'. Hmm. If only it were that simple. If only there was NO chance of a recurrence eh? If only.

thinking too much?

2011-04-19T00:23:00.001+01:00

I posted this earlier. On the Facebook group. Then I thought about it. And decided to post it here too.

Just a thought for everyone who is still in chemo. Or has recurrence. or is still struggling at all. A new diagnosis – crap right? Definitely worse than someone buying you jeans from Sainsbury’s…and that is BAD.

I have just been wandering through my old photos. Aren't pictures emotive? I had Stage 3B cancer here – and had no idea…I still can’t believe it.

The 2008 ones, when I still had cancer, are quite an emotional roller coaster for me. I don't usually look through them. But I did this evening. There are pictures of me with Grace [my grand daughter] just after I had my hair cut off, ready for losing it via chemo. I recall how I thought then that Grace might never see me again. Or I might never see her again. I remember thinking quite coldly and clearly about how I would organise the girls [my lovely step daughters] to look after the FH. And how I would get Mum and Dad to do this that and the other. I remember Grace asking me over and over if I would be ''all right''. And me telling her that of course I would be. And wondering all the time if I was lying.

There is a photo of me with my brother – and I remember thinking that I didn’t want him to leave. He came all the way from Brighton. I was so chuffed. I just wanted him to stay for a while – but life gets in the way. Doesn’t it. I just didn’t think I’d ever see him again either.

Get that horrific wig!

It just struck me that no matter whether it is a first dx or a recurrence...we feel the same fear. The same regrets. The same sense of loneliness. The same sense of ‘WTF’???

And I just wanted to say - sometimes I am frivolous on here. Maybe the things I say aren't quite what you need to hear. BUT. I do feel that fright. I do feel how you feel. Never doubt it. But I can’t be serious all the time. And I don’t feel I should be actually. I can’t do downer posts because I am not that person – but saying that, I am so bloody lucky. And very very grateful for that – I can’t believe it some days. Remission – get it on!! And now, astoundingly, I have days when I don’t think about recurrence at all. But they are a rarity I must admit.

I wish good health for everyone - I wish cancer would simply fuck right off. This evening I am just thinking of you all - and it brings me to tears. I wish we could all just get together – all the women [the fighters!!] I have met through this blog, through Facebook - just once. I think that has to be my next fundraiser girls!

lots of love to you all. Just keep your head up!!

scabby hands – delightful!

2011-04-18T23:40:00.001+01:00

what fun! I have a new 'lurgy'! Apparently it is called Dyshidrosis. Yeah, right. Very pronounceable – NOT. Very irritating – YES. My palms itch all the time and the skin is peeling off. I am resisting the urge to peel it off in strips after doing that once and grossing myself out totally. Bloody palms are not ladylike. Bloody palms are GROSS!

So, off to the dermatologist it seems? First get some stuff from the GP. Diagnosis for Dyshidrosis is to take a hive specific anti-histamine. I've been slapping steroid cream on it to no avail – apparently the stuff that works is a very strong steroid. Ffft – I don't like steroid anything. But needs must, as this is driving me mad.

It seems emotional stress may also further aggravate the condition. Well, I've certainly had enough of THAT this year. And last year. Odd that stress should present itself as blistered palms though. Although saying that, my step daughter Vicky breaks out in Psoriasis from stress – similar I suppose. This is a walk in the park compared to what she goes through. But scarily, Dyshidrosis can become chronic. It's already spreading to my fingers. My hands feel really tight and the itching is unreal!

I've always felt that I 'get my stress out' because I vent quickly and suddenly, and then forget all about what has upset me. I am not a person who bears grudges or holds onto things. But perhaps some of the things that have upset me recently aren't so easily dealt with or forgotten. Perhaps I should deal with them. It might cure my itchy palms!

One of the things being a lot of new pain in my groin and tummy. Scarily, this is worsening. I am hoping it's all down to the adhesions. Roll on the next check up…

5th fundraiser: Top Rank Revival Night II

2011-04-14T10:56:00.001+01:00

Grr – something is wrong with Blogger – no-one can post to the stand alone pages and WLW doesn't support the 'new page' function [you can do that in Wordpress], so I'm having to post this event here instead. I think the Google staff may be eating too many cookies or something…pay attention Google! Everyone is getting rather peeved about this!

Anyway! Not life threatening eh? So, Vicky, my step daughter, and I are doing one last JOINT fund raiser [well, I THINK it’s the last! I might have a mad moment and do another...] before the 400km cycle across Kenya in October. October seemed so far away last year, now it’s positively LOOMING. We have to train for the cycle now...difficult to fit in around work and I am quite worried!

The last Top Rank Revival was brilliant. We made loads of money for Vicky's fund, but the best thing was that the evening was such fun, as we had overwhelming support from lots of local people, including an entire Scooter Club and the Sentinel. If you couldn’t make the last one, this is a must, as we shan’t do another.

There will be Top Rank II t-shirts for sale at the venue, a raffle and loads of fab music from our wonderful DJ’s, Chris Williams and Andy Mic...the Original Top Rank Djs. The atmosphere will be great fun, and Ant Munday, [our BIGGEST supporter heh heh] is selling tickets at the club in advance for £5.00. On the night, they will be £6.00. Oh, and there’ll be a raffle. Vicky and I have tickets too - please email for info.

Please spread the word? Thanks!

Every penny donated helps someone's sister, daughter, mother, friend...to survive ovarian, breast or cervical cancer, or helps towards finding a way to diagnose it earlier or even cure it. ALL FUNDS GO TO RESEARCH into these three devastating cancers.

Thank you for reading this, and thanks to all of you who have donated already!

Look forward to seeing you on the night; if you can’t make it, we’ll be sad not to see you, but if you’d still like to make a donation to the Woman v Cancer fund please see either my or Vicky’s justgiving pages [it’s completely secure to donate on-line].

Please forward this info to everyone you know! Thanks!!
Sandhy and Vicky

friends doing stuff…

2011-03-27T21:22:00.001+01:00

See this article online about my friend Annabelle! Or read below. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw her in the Mirror online…looking stunning as always :) Go Annie!

"The dress may look familiar, but the brunette modelling it is new.

And while Kate Middleton is likely to hang on to the Issa dress she wore to announce her engagement to Prince William, Annabel Titmuss – who won exactly the same dress in our competition – won’t be holding on to hers.

Annabel would love to keep it, but she’s planning to put it up for auction to raise funds for the charity that supported her in her battle with ovarian cancer three years ago.

“I absolutely love the dress,” says Annabel, who at 29 is the same age as Kate and William. “It’s gorgeous and very classy.

“I really enjoyed modelling it for the picture. It’s really flattering and I think it would suit most body shapes. But selling it is my way of saying thank you to Ovacome, who helped me so much when I was ill.”

Annabel, a nurse who lives in Crewe, was just 26 when she was diagnosed.

“My husband James and I had been trying for a baby for some time and nothing was happening so I went for some tests.

“It was during the fertility examinations that they found the cancer.”

Annabel had to have a full hysterectomy and her ovaries were removed. She then had to undergo six months of chemotherapy. Happily she has now been in remission for two and a half years.

“I couldn’t have won the dress at a better time as it’s actually Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month, and Ovacome are in the process of setting up a support group for younger women,” she said.

“Ovarian cancer is more common in older women who have had their families, but when you are diagnosed young, as I was, there is obviously the issue of infertility.”

Annabel plans to auction the dress online on eBay, hoping to raise some much-needed funds to help the charity.

“I am so glad I entered this competition. I love Kate’s style – and I really like Kate and William as a couple.”

melancholy

2011-03-27T00:40:00.001Z

Just thinking thinking thinking this evening. I've been far too tired recently. And although I have a ton of work to do, I decided to have break and just listen to some music, play some games and generally have a skive this evening. Glass of wine, Sennheisers, fags – jammies. Lovely!

Listening to the White Album…it's always going to be, and always has been, so evocative of Dad's reel to reel tape of the Beatles -

…memories of David as a baby, trundling about in a pair of terry towelling pants and a suntan cutting his teeth on empty beer cans [perfect childhood!], this photo will shock and horrify most modern mums…so funny! And so harmless..

Remembering walking to school in HOT rain in Papua New Guinea with Pete. Pete was always such a stick insect :) Pete on the left.

Mum under our house on stilts, buying fruit or carvings from the locals, who were mostly naked. And happily for us, we found this perfectly acceptable. This chap not so – he wears the sarong that normal people wore before David Beckham made it such a bore.

Mud that dried to look like broken Easter eggs – it always fascinated me as a child. Still does.

Blissful days at the beach, where the sea was warm and only about a foot deep for ages, then suddenly VERY deep and cold…floating about in massive inner tubes from the huge Mac trucks used on the mines. The sand was soft – this is one of my favourite photos of all time…

And Mum always made iced coffee – that's a surprise memory. Just recalled it. Odd how there are things in the mind hiding away. Then they suddenly surface when you don't expect it. Picnic. Iced coffee. Sun. Sand. Happiness. The hot car.

Losing our flip flops when we had to cross the river to go to school, as the mud was so gluey. Worrying about hook worm?! Mum and I had matching dresses – made by Mum's best friend Kay. I remember the colour. Blue. My favourite. I felt so important to look just like Mum. HUGE steaks cooked by Kay's husband, our adorable 'uncle' Ralph…which apparently 'fell off the back of a truck'. Heh heh. The 'Bloody Red Baron' tape. My 'best' friend Tamara. Her surname escapes me for the moment.

No-one else can ever know what is going on in your mind. They can never understand how you feel unless they ask – or you tell them. Therefore it's easy to assume that nothing is happening in there that's too serious. This lays one open for accusation.

Sadness is hard to share.

When someone asks you how you are, you don't TELL them do you? Well, unless you really are ok all the time? And if you do tell them, as in: "how are you?" - "oh, terrible, I feel ghastly / sad/ ill etc" – the face!! Like, ''what? You are seriously NOT going to really tell me how you are are you?'' Society dictates NOT…

So I am walking around with this big big heartbreak inside me. And when people ask how I am, of course I tell them I am fine, thank you. Or risk a strait jacket for my pains.

I am still so sad about my Dad. My heart breaks for my mum. Yesterday would have been their 50th wedding anniversary. I hope to see my twentieth. And thirtieth – we saw our tenth last year…to see our 50th I'd be 88. Well, bring it on! I shall hopefully have a blue rinse, the FH a grade 2.

Happy anniversary for yesterday Mum and Dad. I am so sorry you aren't together for this one.

more fund raising!

2011-03-26T11:32:00.000Z

Well, the Golf Day went swimmingly! Julie did everything! All I had to do was design the poster and the prize vouchers, and I got ONE prize for the golfers. Not a great deal of effort on my part, and for that Julie raised £850.50 [love that .50p bit].

Fingle Glen were very generous with a gigantic bacon butty on arrival and a buffet dinner [beef curry, chicken curry, chips, rice etc] for which Julie gave them a percentage of the days take. Sundry other people donated loads of raffle prizes, and popped down after the event if they hadn’t been there, for a drink and the raffle.

I think Julie spent about a week on the phone arranging all the other prizes, golf days, weekend breaks, TONS of prizes for the raffle, the longest putt [is it putt?], the overall winners, the people who came second etc. The working out of those winners seemed like a right nightmare – Julie was at it for ages, so if you do one of these events, get an expert like her involved!

And, there was wine, designer golf hats, sports shirts, books, you name it, she had it. The winners were delighted, as they went off with loads of swag. I was working all day, so the FH went down and spent his day off helping Julie – the highlight of his day was racing about in the golf cart getting beers to the players ;)

Someone asked me how it all worked, as they want to do one too. Not having personally organised it, I am hoping I am correct in the following. Each person paid £25 [they had to raise a team of 4] for golf, bacon butty and buffet meal after. The T-offs were staggered throughout the day. Julie sold each team a balloon [and I am not quite sure of the details here, as I don’t understand golf at all]. The balloon could be let go if you wanted to retake your shot I believe. Some of the Fingle girls with their balloon.

She also imposed fines of £2.00 and £5.00 on people who did naughty stuff on the course. One chap was fined a fiver for being scruffy and mistaking the herb bread for ‘mouldy’ bread in a rather loud voice heh heh. In advance of the event, Julie sold raffle tickets, and four lots of Fitness First vouchers that they kindly donated. During the day she was there making sure everyone went off ok and organising drinks etc. for the players.

Judi Spiers came to help with the raffle and a little auction; people were very generous with raffle prizes and donated so much. All the people who came spent a fortune. So, a fabulous result all round!

My effort – appearing at the end and saying thanks! Then racing off to work at the Port Royal whilst Julie raced off home for a well deserved feet up! Oh, but not after letting a few people know that there may be another one in September…Teign Valley have offered to allow us to stage one there, but we’ll see how gluttonous for punishment we're feeling by then!

Here's the girl herself. Thanks Julie! And everyone who gave their support!

life

2011-03-24T01:18:00.001Z

I am having a fab one! Knowing that one may die earlier than expected is a great contributor to enjoying the moment. And I do – enjoy every moment. I have been told I am selfish. I have been told I am nasty – cruel even. I’ve been told I am all sorts of things.

But I know I am not. Well, I am never intentionally nasty. I am forgetful – perhaps this seems selfish? I am outspoken – maybe this is seen as cruel?

I don’t know…and to be honest, I no longer care. Life is too short after a cancer diagnosis to actually give a f*%k. Bring on the people who love me as I am. The others…well, take the back seat.

I am scarred. I am weak. I have less hair than I had before chemo. I am now a worrier, where I wasn't before. I concern myself with awareness of ovarian cancer…gosh, I am such a bore!

But hell, life is good! I have lots of freelance work, I have a home – I have a wonderful husband. I am strong enough now to do work of any kind. And I am grateful for that.

This is one of the most enjoyable pieces of work I did this week. This woman has raised £30000 this last year - have you thought about doing some serious fund raising events? They are very satisfying. It takes tons of planning and nagging and running around. One of my friends raised £8000 in one night with a dinner and auction event. Try it!

fffft!

2011-03-20T01:39:00.001Z

I am bloody exhausted! I want someone, somewhere, to just give me a break.

another week – another weep

2011-03-20T00:40:00.001Z

This year seems to be a year of death and terror. I seem to have been crying almost constantly. It started with my dear Dad, and since then I have lost another friend, and recently yet another has been told she’s terminal. Terminal?? What the fuck? [I have given up being polite on here by the way – ever since I used the word ‘bloody’, Google decided my blog is obscene. Or some such. Like I care…]. Terminal – what IS that? But as she is dealing with it with aplomb, so shall I. But it’s so hard.

On top of that, another couple of friends have had recurrence. Oh God that dreaded word…it ends ‘Life as We Know It’ and starts ‘Life Ruled By Treatment and Fear’. Scary scary and more scary. It has made me upset all week – I don’t sleep, and if I do, I have dreams of dying or being cut open to find monstrosities…plus one of my dearest friends has had her ovary removed, and is waiting for the biopsy result. Her ovary was apparently 15cm of tumoury mess. Cursed ovaries!!

I am so tired. Of worrying. Of death. Of cancer.

PLEASE spare anything for my fund raiser – it’s for ovarian cancer, cervical cancer and breast cancer research. We desperately need this research – please help to fund it? Thank you…ONE pound would be enough and greatly appreciated.

http://www.justgiving.com/sandhy-cycles-kenya

Oh – almost forgot! Was in the paper again this week for the next fund raiser. Most of the facts are right – one of them, that I am 48, is rather chuckalicious ;)

attitude is everything…

2011-03-14T20:45:00.001Z

The LIVESTRONG Manifesto. Unity is strength. Knowledge is power. Attitude is everything.

…the part where the man shaves his head made me cry…I am SO grateful to be alive!!

naked ping pong??

2011-03-12T00:01:00.001Z

can you believe this…they’ve made a film specifically for viewing on the internet? Girl Walks into a Bar is interesting. The first feature-length Hollywood movie created specifically for the web. There are no long, drawn out scenes, no car chases, no horrendously dramatic music [thank you Film Gods]…but still it’s engaging. Have a look – this is the full length movie.

"a comedy about a seemingly unrelated group of characters spending a single night at 10 different bars throughout Los Angeles."

just a thought…

2011-03-09T22:26:00.001Z

Dalai Lama:

Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives.

The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend -- or a meaningful day…

good news :: Ovarian cancer survival rate has doubled to 41%

2011-03-09T21:21:00.001Z

See this article or read the article as an image below [yay – no adverts, I deleted them ;) ] – quite good news, on the back of one of my friends dying this week, and another having a living wake this weekend before she dies. I am angry.

Stupid, stupid disease…remember, knowledge is power. KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!!! Get with the bloody programme here women!

It’s Ovarian Cancer Awareness month in the UK – I don’t see much ‘awareness’ actually. Apart from amongst the women who already know about it, because either we had it or we have it! And because we have been through it, and know the ongoing terror of it, we try to spread the word…

But it’s absolutely astounding how closed women are to listening to this. And I know why – I was one of those women. I didn’t want to hear about cancer before I was dx. And actually, I’d LOVE to never hear about it again – never gonna happen…but we do our best eh? One woman’s life saved is worth all the frustration of women like one I spoke to recently…”I don’t need to worry about that. I’ve had kids”. Ok…in kid speak – WHATEVER!! grr

Actually my favourite remark is: “ok, so you had cancer, but you’re fine now, so stop going on about it”. ehehe – you can imagine my little brain working overtime at that moment…as in: ‘where the fuck can I get an AK47?’’

PLEASE see the symptoms link. The ‘bit about persistent pelvic and abdominal pain’ I don’t actually agree with. I never had any pain – but the bloating, feeling full [and thickening of the waist]. Yup…for sure. Easy to ignore and easy to think it’s just age or diet or whatever. Tiredness was my main symptom after the bloating…total and utter exhaustion. I am exhausted now, working 7 days a week – BUT I feel positively frisky compared to how I felt when I had cancer. But I didn’t know.

Be sure to know. The result of ignorance is not pretty.

¡Ya basta!

2011-03-07T23:14:00.001Z

I thought today was being a pretty crap day – it started with the car only having petrol to travel 3 km…damn. Just made it to the garage. Then when I got there, half the pumps were closed. So I had to go out and back in again. Grr. Then, at the office, I was doing ten different things at once, the Macintosh crashed in the middle of a job, and 2 hours of work got ‘lost’. Somewhere…it’s definitely there, but we couldn’t find it. So I came home this evening and did it all again, as the deadline is tomorrow. Grr.

In the middle of the evening I discovered that Sweet Jayne died this morning. Fuck. The day’s problems suddenly seemed far less significant. See Jimmy’s post here. I’ve been in touch with Jayne for what seems like years. We met through the blog, and then became friends on Facebook – we never met in the physical world, but we chatted and supported one another. Jayne was awesome. She battled ovarian cancer for 10 years – she wouldn’t listen when they told her she had a few months to live either! Feisty thing :) She lived on long past their gruesome time scale. And gave them the finger to boot.

And she really LIVED her life as far as she possibly could. Please see her blog. She is a truly inspiring person. Was? No. IS. And so is her husband Jimmy.

It was because of Jayne that I have managed to ‘contain’ my fear of a recurrence. After all, she had one – more than one – but she carried on. And on. And it wasn’t easy. I know she is now in a place where all that pain, and all those restrictions on her having fun – well, they’re gone. But it does bring it all to the surface again…

I shall miss her and her pot smoking, pet loving, cycling, blogging ways. I’ll miss her support, friendship and her brave example. But I shan’t forget her. She has her wings now. And no more pain.

¡Ya Basta! – enough is enough…I like it, it sounds like a swear word! WHEN WHEN WHEN will someone find a cure for this horrible, terrifying disease?? I am sick of death.

Goodbye Jane…you’ll live on in my heart.

I want to ride my bicycle…

2011-03-07T00:02:00.001Z

So, I have a brand new bicycle specially for training! My lovely pink Free Spirit bike is not quite up to the task, so I am trying to sell it. This is it:

I reckon £40 or £50 ono would be reasonable, as it’s in good nick, plus it has handle bar shift Shimano gears. And a great bell! ;) PM me if you know anyone interested in buying it. I need the money toward the new one.

Anyway, back to the cool new bike – it’s a Land Rover Maharari. I have always wanted a Landy – now I have one heh heh. To go with my Land Rover key ring, given to me years ago by some wit. Check it out:

Mean machine and even meaner saddle. Which I had to be measured for. Hmm - it was a rather weird experience to say the least!!! Apparently I have an extremely narrow pelvis and it’s a “good job I never had kids” ? So glad the cycle shop experts are so knowledgeable…and disturbing! ;) So I now have a very narrow saddle. To match my pelvis. Which looks like a torture device. And likely IS. Hmm. This fundraising malarkey is getting a tad expensive. Boot sales for finding the cash - here I come.

AND…I had to buy shoes [breaking the bank, this darned fundraising is]. The shoes because my feet really hurt during spinning, and apparently this is because the soles of trainers are too ‘bendy’. The cycle shoes have a totally solid sole – very funny to walk in, but great on the bike. I tested them at spinning and they are great. So I now clomp about in them like Frankenstein…

Looking good – lots of BLACK things. Next acquisition is shorts – I ordered some from Chain Reaction Cycles. Pffft – useless. They said they are out of stock [their site shows them IN stock] and then they had the gall to tell me that the shorts are discontinued! LiveStrong cycle shorts do NOT get ‘discontinued’. NOT impressed. But they did refund my money in 3 days, so I am not complaining. Just peeved, because if the web site says ‘in stock’, they should be forced to supply the item. Grr. Back to Plan B which is ordering them from LiveStrong. Handily, Julie gave me money for my birthday especially for buying cycle shorts, so I am not out of pocket there at least. And last, but not least, I need some Oakleys.

Reason being: they don’t fall off, no matter what; they have 100% UV protection [prevents sun damage to your eyes] and they are just cool.

Apart from all that, I am working from the crack of dawn until this time of night [must go to bed soon!] – not in touch with anyone [bad] and I am so tired of being TIRED that I have no words for it. I am utterly exhausted. So is the FH. WE desperately need a break. Roll on the week in Spain. I shall be prone the entire week. No joke. TIRED!!! And being this tired always makes me nervous….

One fab thing – my neighbour and friend, Claire, is going to train with me! Yay her – I am desperately in need of some support, as I am not particularly inspired right now, and none of the other W v C girls live near me. Yay for Claire :)

probably a rant?

2011-02-27T01:19:00.001Z

First – check out the Golf day – tell everyone you know would you? Thanks!

Interesting week – non stop work, and non stop ‘trying to get organised’. I really HAVE to get my act together. The FH has been going mad with me, as he [correctly] assumes that I am just working like a crazy person and not logging my time. SO. This morning I spent 4 hours [yes, I am an imbecile when it comes to Excel] sorting out a time sheet. And I am rather proud of it I must say – it adds up all the hours I work, turns them into the amount I should earn, adds VAT [at a disgraceful 20%!] and totals my earnings. Amazing! I am a bloody genius. Pity it took so long, but now I am organised, I can log my hours properly every day. Yay me.

In the meantime, one of my dearest friends is going through hell. She has a cyst on her ovary – it’s been causing her agonies since December. First it was a ‘twisted cyst’ [hence the pain]. Then it was a ‘we’re not sure’ type of cyst. Then they did a CT scan. No luck, as they cyst is behind the ovary. So then [exhausting isn’t it??] there were plans to do an MRI. Err – but they didn’t. Why? Who knows? This is Portugal. Then [it gets worse] the plan was to use suction to remove the cyst via the vagina. WHAT?? ‘We can’t see it, we don’t know what it is but let’s just ‘suck it and see’? F**k! Luckily, that plan was mooted. Now the plan is to do a laparoscopy to investigate – if there is anything they see that they don’t like, they will do open surgery and remove the cyst, and/or the ovary. In MARCH!!! 4 months will have passed – I am at my wits end, as I am so worried. My poor friend is completely exhausted and doesn’t know if she is coming or going and is finding it hard to make informed decisions. I can so identify with that. And again, I am SO grateful for the NHS. I wish I could bring her here for treatment!

Roll on the surgery – but please all spare a thought or prayer for her. We are hoping for the best but obviously considering the worst scenario. Personally, I KNOW she cannot have the same BS as I did. That would just be too weird. She is like my sister – so it can’t happen.

On another subject [I think?] – today I saw a post on Facebook, by the Breast Cancer Awareness troupe. They get on my nerves usually, as they are always trying to make everything pink ;) We want everything TEAL! Nah – just kidding – BUT, the post today made me think. Here it is [oh – by the way, they are trying to sell a really gross ring with this text – see above – ugh! Just $16.95…woohoo]:

“When the diagnosis comes, it's easy to focus on what cancer can do...to our bodies, our families, our lives. But here are the things cancer will never be able to do: It cannot cripple love, it cannot shatter hope, it cannot corrode faith, it cannot kill friendship, and it cannot destroy peace. Our pretty band is a promise to yourself to remember where your strength lies.”

I disagree. Utterly. This is fantastical nonsense - ‘it cannot shatter hope’? Oh give me a break! Hope disappears up ones own derrière with a cancer diagnosis. ‘it cannot kill friendship’? Oh yes it can – I speak from personal experience. ‘Friends’ one has known and loved for years can, and do, abandon one in the face of a cancer diagnosis. Not that I blame them – I don’t. But it’s still a fact. Too much pinkness obviously clouds ones view of reality! ‘it cannot destroy peace’ – oh WHAT!?? That’s too much – one never again has peace – peace of mind, peace in the heart…ffft! That’s a cracker! Whoever wrote this tripe needs to get their butt down to a cancer ward, and ask a few cancery types what they think. Hopefully they’ll come out alive? Anyway – rant over…for now…

In the meantime, back at the ~~shouty~~ ranch, I am getting my brain ready for cycle training. Uff – not looking forward to it and wondering where I’ll fit it in? At least now the days are getting longer it might be reasonable to cycle in the evenings without getting frostbite in the face. Spinning is all very well, but nothing touches cycling on the road – you don’t get a wind factor in the spinning class! We have the Tarka Trail and we have Haldon Hill – gotta be good. I think…

400km UP hills? Oh woe is me…

addicted to speed

2011-02-24T00:55:00.001Z

Whoa! Get that helmet on. This evening was such fun! The FH took me karting. We were invited by Tileflair – go them!!

This is me, number 28 – about to ZOOOOM round the track!

The first time round I did NOT like it – the little cart has steering that makes you feel like you are roping a wild bull! [yes, sure; I do that all the time right?] and as you can see in the pic, one’s butt is scraping the cement. Hard – we are used to girly type assisted steering and LOTS of control in the Beemer. These little monsters have no assistance, no control and it’s like driving a buffalo. A MAD one…I couldn’t get my head around the fact that no matter HOW tight you take a corner, the kart won’t roll. It may go into a mad tailspin. But definitely won't turn over. So I was too much on the brake. Grr.

After the first practice laps I was totally peeved – I’d really looked forward to it, and suddenly realised it wasn’t as easy as I’d thought it would be. Me, I am a speed freak – I love to go FAST…I thought the karts would be like rally cars where you steer sort of incrementally…ffft! no way – steering these bad boys is tough! I am currently enjoying aching arms, stomach muscles and a completely buggered knee [it was crashed against the steering column the whole time]. AND I had to have a ‘baby’ seat, as I am such a shortarse that my legs were rubbing against the steering mechanism…anyway, after the third zoom round, I started to get with the program. This is FUN!! Total adrenalin rush to the head…

I think I am addicted to speed…

Here’s the ‘Totally NOT Prada Outfit’…I think those blokes don’t really understand what ‘small’ means? The crotch was round my knees…eheheh. And I need a hair cut!! Helmets do nothing for one’s hairstyle as you can see!

I really loved this – and afterwards, sitting in the pub with the FH, I was thinking…which is usually a bad idea. But I was thinking how nice it is to be able to do things like this. To be strong enough to wrench the wheel around [WRENCH being the operative word!]. To be brave enough to try it. To have someone to do it with. To have so much hair that I had to stuff it up the back of the helmet. To know that the pain in my gut is just the stupid adhesions complaining about unaccustomed hauling and mauling. To just BE. To have fun. Ah. Life is good!! Cancer? You can’t stop me you bitch!

Thanks Tileflair for the brilliant evening!!

tired…

2011-02-17T01:29:00.001Z

…isn’t the word for it. I am completely [and utterly] exhausted. But I am so happy – I love to have work, and by Gum, I certainly have it! I am working about 18 hours a day right now – and more if I am at the pub in the evening. It’s a bit worrying, as last time I ran like this I ended up with the horrible Bells Palsy. NOT an experience I’d like to repeat. But it IS exciting to be involved in marketing and design again; in fact this work is more interesting than any I’ve done for years. Lots of action – not the same thing over and over. And lots of interesting people too.

So. Yay me. I have FINALLY found freelance design in the UK. Took long enough.

BUT – it’s taking a toll too. I am finding it hard to keep in touch with people. I have been trying to phone Mum all week, and it’s always engaged – and then I forget to call back grr…plus I have my group on Facebook – I am sure they think I’ve died, as I seldom respond to posts any more…see here girls! I am still alive and kicking [well, sort of!]

This week has been a madness – the car needed servicing, the extractor fan needed replacing, the gate is self destructing, the cats were spayed [not so you’d notice mind you!]….yikes! Where is rest in amongst all this eh? Nowhere.

We are going to Spain for a week in March – roll on that week. I can’t WAIT!!

the 4th fundraiser gets underway!

2011-02-13T17:17:00.001Z

woop! Julie is on the rampage, getting things organised for a fundraiser she is doing for me – this is going to be great! I hardly have to do anything at all, so I did put as much effort as possible into the poster. I am just printing a load out to put up at the RD&E and for Julie to plaster all over the jolly old Golf Clubs [personally, I don’t frequent golf clubs heh heh]

And, quite an excellent turn of events that it’s in March, March being Ovarian Cancer Awareness month in the UK. Info here.

Details of the event can be found HERE. For tickets, or further information, please contact Julie on: julie.knight8 AT btinternet.com or leave a comment on here with your email address [which I will NOT publish] and I’ll email you Julie’s mobile number so you can call her.

Tell all your friends! I am hoping to hit the K5 mark before I leave for Kenya in October, so get out the old clubs and the checked trousers please :)

Thanks!

really good news

2011-02-08T00:50:00.001Z

These last few weeks have been great. Random thought here; after a call from my Mum, I was thinking about my Dad more than usual, as of course she mentioned him – he is [as always with all my family] never far from my mind. This quote is so apt for how I feel about him. I am sure he is still looking out for us. For me.

"a word I want to see written on my grave: I am alive like you, and I am standing beside you. Close your eyes and look around, you will see me in front of you ..."

≈ Kahlil Gibran

Sometimes I can close my eyes and imagine him there – just having a smoke with me outside. I miss that. We used to ‘shoot the sh*t’ as the Americans say. Waffle, as we say here in the UK. Or [and this is odd, as we didn’t do it often] ordering a drink at the bar? The mind is a convoluted thing.

And yes, I know – I haven’t posted for an age. That would be because I have been so busy that it’s doing my head in! So stop complaining. My life is a never ending chaos. But let me stop there and do a sort of précis. Which will be weird.

In December 2009 I was given one weeks notice [by email!] that my ten year contract was not going to be renewed. OK. But no time to find a new job in December as everyone was ‘doing Christmas’. Thanks very much for ‘no notice’! Grr. Uncivil. Plus I’d just had a scan in December showing ‘something’ [which we ALL assumed was a recurrence] blah. Stress. Until the end of Feb. Once the results were in, you’d think I’d have been ok right? WRONG! I was devastated. I felt so betrayed. By everything – and quite a few people too. It took me until March to even bother to pay the bills. Not good – I had a LOT of calls to make! One thousand dramas…didn’t want to leave the house etc etc…

For the rest of 2010 [once I got a grip], we struggled to make ends meet – literally. We cancelled our pensions. We extended our mortgage. Well, the FH did all that, as I was useless. I got to work doing gardening, cleaning, painting and decorating – with the odd bit of graphic work thrown in. Anything at all. Just work – find it, do it, get paid. Lots of this was down to dear friends Judi and Julie.

So last year was filled with running from one place to another – feeling like screaming at times. Most days really.

But I was applying for jobs every morning before zooming off to whatever job I had that day, and networking as much as possible – and trying like hell to avoid having to apply for benefit. Eventually, we got to a place where had to – but before I managed to fill in the forms, we had a piece of amazing luck. The FH’s accountant put me in touch with a marketing company – they looked at my portfolio and here’s the serious précis bit – they have now decided to employ me as one of their freelancers!! I am a graphic designer again! woop! I did my last day at the Salt Mines this morning! I will still go there for work if they need me, as it’s an excellent fitness routine, but the delightful thing IS, that I won’t HAVE to go there. Deep joy!

So that's why the last few weeks have been so great [and so chaotic] – non-stop work from morning until late at night [poor FH – we cross like ships in the night at the moment!], while I’ve still been doing cleaning etc. Things should even out now, as I am doing just the bar and waitressing at the Quay plus the graphic design work – Bring It On!! Lets hope this year is a GOOD year!

Here are the Wild Things just this week:

Poor little sausages are off to the vet to be chipped and spayed on Friday - £150.00!! Thank goodness I have work now….crazy how things work out isn’t it??

wakka wakka as usual

2011-01-23T23:47:00.001Z

Excellent – most recent fundraiser DONE. Check! Hmm – getting a tad worried about the old arms there?!

Picture below is of Nicola, Debs, Vicky, me and Jen – all in the Team Shirt kindly printed for us for FREE by Steve Wright. Mine disappeared on the night with all my enamelled badges – I chucked it into the crowd for auction [as you do!] forgetting to remove them first. Idiot…but we did make £100 from them – Primarni shirts heh heh. Class!

And GP appointment too – check again. Got some horrible tasting thing called Movicol, thanks to Mr Renninson. Apparently this will encourage the walls of the bowel to work better and defy the adhesions [everything I saw on the internet said it was for constipation – but what do I know? – one thing I at least do NOT suffer from thank goodness!]. So, guzzling that every day – it tastes foul. Reminds me of this revolting thing my Granny gave us as children – Slippery Elm. Ugh! Contains mucilage?? Eee! Probably we got better instantly in self defence! I am sure Movicol ~~does~~ doesn’t contain mucilage, but hey ho, who cares? I am hoping it will stop the pain. So far, no luck.

In the meantime, I am thoroughly boring [and mostly totally peeved]. Example week - scrub chalets Monday, Tuesday and Friday, 9 - 2.00. Serve behind the bar at a local pub Tuesday night, Thursday night and Sunday lunchtime 6 - 11.30. Monday and Tuesday afternoon, any graphic work I have. Wednesdays & Thursdays, the same. Which is great - normal work woop!

BUT some really GREAT news!! Yesterday the peeps I did the illustration and recently a 24 page magazine to the tightest deadline I’ve ever worked to called me down to their offices. They are going to feed me freelance work for an initial 6 months with a view to carrying on if everything goes well!! HOORAY!!

Illustration:

Magazine:

Only downside was I have to upgrade my CS3 to CS5, which I did last night - cost me £850.00! Bunged it on the fantastic plastic after much thought and discussion, as Aj and I reckon it’s an investment. I am so relieved - plus the chap I am doing web page layout design for is also going to give me more work. That’s what I’m doing today, between reformatting my nice new external drive for Monday afternoon’s meeting to collect all the massive documents and images I need to get cracking on with the first 3 jobs they’ve given me. Eventually they are going to set up a drop box on their server for me, but in the meantime it’s zoom down and collect / deliver stuff.

AND of course the bloody fundraising which is thoroughly exhausting but good fun. I am doing three more this year - in March [God! Need to do the poster for this later! aaargh] a Golf Day, which I shan’t have to put TOO much effort into, as my golfy, sporty type friend is organising it. Yay her! Then another Motown event on May 27th, then a LAST big bang on June 25th, for which I have a Burlesque troupe, and two great bands. Doing that with Vicky, my step daughter. In the meantime, gotta start training [my mind keeps blanking that bit heh heh] in March.

My ideal situation would be to have enough design work to drop the chalet bashing. But at the moment chalet bashing pays the mortgage. But it can get a bit confusing rushing in from cleaning then rushing out to see design work! My head is all over the place. But I shall get there eventually, then have a bit more time to breath.

phew…

more event news!

2011-01-15T22:55:00.001Z

incredible! we made it home without crashing last weekend! We zoomed up Friday to Stoke, raced about getting ourselves organised for the evenings Top Rank Revival event [blowing up balloons was frightful – forgetting the raffle prizes at Vick’s was worse!] – did the event, and zoomed back home Sunday evening. We were both completely shattered. I spent 3 hours editing the photos and video for Facebook etc, just to say thank you so much to all the people involved. It was AMAZING!! Check out this video; the rest are on YouTube [search top rank revival]:

A fabulous atmosphere and lovely people. They even brought us raffle prizes, then bought tickets for them? Stokies…they’re mad ;) Thanks to them, we made £1700.00 for Vicky’s Women v Cancer fund! We also had an amazing Table Top Magician, Chris Stokes, see him here:

Plus Ant’s bar made a record amount too – that’s great, as he gave us the venue for free. Ant Munday – you are a star!! Watch out for “Top Rank Revival 2”!! Probably in May? Watch this space…

yay!

2011-01-14T00:14:00.001Z

so, a quick post – last week I had my 6 month check up. Boring boring I know…but I have been totally stressed with it being 6 WHOLE months…even though I know very well that IF I had a recurrence, those months make very little difference to the outcome of eventual treatment. But still. Logic and emotion don’t know one another in the cancery brain.

My CA 125 is one point down from last time – it’s 8. YAY!! Last time it was 9. Mine seems to fluctuate between 6 and 9. Good for me – well within the norms of 0>35. Although that means it hasn’t actually moved at all in real terms, it’s still a relief. 1 point up or down is nothing – a move of +30 is a worry.

My only problem right now seems to be some kind of bowel impaction. Where the cancer had spread to the bowel, they scraped it – so now the bowel [a very easily irritated thing – how dare it after all this drama!?] does weird things. The adhesions don’t help. It's painful and I need to get it sorted. Sometimes I am limping. What? Er – not ideal. But for now, I am just so happy to be cancer free that the bowel thing can wait until next week…I will be off to the GP for drugs - woo – love drugs! Brilliant things!

In the meantime I am running like a mad woman – off to Stoke for the fundraiser tomorrow…

Then back home again Saturday night so I can start a new graphic design job which has a VERY tight deadline. Wednesday!! EEEK! Cleaning at the Salt Mines on Monday and Tuesday morning…and SO glad to be able to do it…never mind how ghastly it is – I can do it!!

In the meantime; I can no longer use Skype, as the Wild Things ATE the cable to the microphone! Then this evening they managed to knock a glass of wine into the keyboard…thank goodness for hairdryers…and then, Lily fell in to the bath. Super - a stress free evening. Not!

But they are adorable, and becoming very affectionate – see here; Lily…

and Bear…

shriek!

2011-01-09T23:39:00.001Z

oh yes, it’s Shriek Week. one more day to go then the bloody check up. I had my bloods drawn yesterday – ow! It was a tad on the painful side, as I asked the phlebotomist to clean my arm really well – after all, I had been scrubbing chalets just 10 minutes before. So she did, and my word it hurt – she said it was because of the ‘antiseptic’. Seems it goes in with the needle? Uh – hurts! But it’s done. Rah.

Weeks are going by so quickly – I am still trying to get my head around the fact that Dad died? Is this normal? Who knows…

I am working literally all the hours that God sends. Each hour is paid badly – but at least it IS paid. I am totally exhausted. I am worried that the Bells Palsy will come back. Oh, that’s peripheral to worrying about a recurrence I suppose. FFFFt – my brain is full of worries…

Oh and regarding Dell – they never did fix my pc – I called my brother and he helped me sort it out. So if you have a next day warranty – well, forget it. It isn’t ‘next day’. Grr Dell are sending me a 500GB external drive. For the inconvenience….pah! But what can one do eh?

Roll on Tuesday night….

in the news again!

2011-01-09T22:59:00.001Z

Vicky joins Kenyan charity bike ride in support of step-mother

excellent – we have publicity all OVER the place for Vicky’s event – and I can’t say how touched I was by this article. Totally unexpected! Plus – gets some awareness of ovarian cancer out there. Yay!!

I must say I rather like ‘after finding out the news I went straight to the pub’ [eheh – slight misquote but what the hell – we did!!] and also being an ‘intrepid’ cyclist too ;)

“In 2008, Vicky Murfitt's step-mum Sandhy Robinson-Jones was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Now the pair are planning to embark on a gruelling bike challenge in Africa to raise money for sufferers of the illness. Reporter Dave Knapper caught up with the two intrepid cyclists.

IT wasn't a reply Sandhy Robinson-Jones was expecting after asking her step-daughter for some sponsor money.

Instead of pledging funds in aid of her 248 mile Kenya cycle challenge, Vicky Murfitt told her she was coming along.

"Sandhy sent me an email asking me if I would sponsor her and as I read about the challenge I just thought I really wanted to go and support her", said the 27-year-old from Chesterton.

And it was a phone call that left her 48-year-old step-mum speechless.

Sandhy, a graphic designer, said: "I can't really put into words how I felt when she told me, it is just an amazing thing to do."

Vicky admits the pair have always enjoyed a close relationship, but that was strengthened in February 2008 when Sandhy was told she had ovarian cancer.

"I found a bump and just thought I had given myself a hernia from being sick a lot after catching a bug," said Sandhy, who lives in Devon.

"But they thought it was a malignant tumour straight away. So after finding out the news I went straight to the pub."

Vicky, a support worker, said: "It was hard because she is in Devon I couldn't go down and support her and my dad.

"It would have been difficult taking my six-year-old, Grace, as she wouldn't have understood what was wrong."

In the coming weeks Sandhy, who has two step-daughters, underwent a radical hysterectomy and an oophorectomy.

What followed was a course of gruelling chemotherapy.

"The worst part was losing my hair. I had long curly hair and it was just falling out in chunks. That's when you look in the mirror and you look like a cancer patient," she recalled.

Sandhy is currently in remission and is now focusing her energy on October's Action For Charity Women V Cancer event. Hundreds of women – including television stars Dawn Porter and Aggie MacKenzie – will take part in the ride to raise funds for sufferers of breast, cervical and ovarian cancers.

Vicky's dad Andrew, aged 55, who lived in Biddulph before moving to Devon where he met Sandhy, has applauded the pair's efforts.

He said: "I suggested it to Sandhy as I thought it would be a good opportunity for her.

"It was very hard to deal with when she was diagnosed and we are still nervous every time we go for a check up.

"I'm over the moon that Vicky wants to go out there too."

While Vicky is religiously training herself up for the gruelling five-day challenge, her first battle is raising the £2,800 for the trip.

She said: "My spinning class at Dimensions have been really good and it's just getting money from people."

Vicky has until August to come up with the cash and is currently a couple of hundred shy of reaching the £1,000 milestone.

And the pot should be boosted following a fund-raising night at Baddeley Green Workingmen's Club on Friday, January 14.

The evening – billed as a Top Rank Revival Night – will see DJs play soul and Motown hits to celebrate the Hanley night spot.

Vicky added: "I'm grateful to the club for donating the venue and I hope people coming along to support me and the Woman V Cancer charity."

To sponsor Vicky head to her fund-raising website: www.justgiving.com/Vicky-in-kenya”

here’s the event page:

and, the Outer Circle Scooter Club are lending us the kit for the DJ’s – even setting it up on the night. Thanks so much to those peeps! DJs Andy Mik and Chris Williams are giving us their time for the night – and we have a fab raffle going on too – plus a table top magician [almost forgot that!] – check him out…

the straw that broke the camels back

2010-12-29T22:14:00.001Z

or almost anyway. I have been considering the last four weeks. which brought me to consider the last three years - which brought me to almost screaming point once I looked at everything back to back. I am wondering how exactly one knows when a nervous breakdown is imminent. Maybe one doesn't realise one is having one at all? Perhaps once you constantly feel like screaming, crying or hiding, battering people with ones handbag, you're there already…

I appear to be living in 'interesting times'. Purportedly a Chinese curse. Christmas is definitely NOT a good time in our house. My diagnosis 3 years ago was just after Christmas. The FH's mum got ill at Christmas and died in the February - then I lost my contract last Christmas because I couldn't go to Portugal as I needed a scan [yeah, I know…sucks right?]. Self same scan [yes, you guessed it - just before Christmas] found 'something'. We spent a torturous month of December into January wondering if I had a recurrence, until, thankfully, I had the laparoscopy and was pronounced clear. THAT seemed a miracle. Probably it was. And I am grateful for it.

This Christmas my father died. And possibly, this is starting to sound like a great big self pitying whinge. But to be honest , I am merely trying to get my head around such a never ending [for me] catalogue of disasters…big things, little things…one after the other. I start to feel like the losing boxer in the ring - the one who simply falls all over the place bleeding from the nose and looking confused. Is the expression punch drunk? maybe. That's how I feel. We are exhausted with it all.

Today was absolutely a perfect microcosm of our lives right now. The ABS on the car is playing up - the windscreen washer won't work, the extractor hood over the cooker has exploded, the Wild Things smash something every single day [we are getting a very 'minimalist' look here at home]…

And, last Thursday 23rd my pc blue screened. Fffftzzz….the end. Called Dell, whom I have a 'next day service' warranty with [thanks Pete!]. they didn't come the next day - they came today!! Almost a week later. And when they came, they brought the wrong drivers…the wrong drivers?!? WTF!?? So I am still without a machine, and that's with two new clients to do work for. I lost 2 hours of Chalet bashing wages to come home for the technician and that happens?

I started work at 7.00. I was NOT amused. I raced back to do a bit more bashing after the Dell catastrophe…I had a hair appointment at 1.30. Raced onto the dual carriageway from the Salt Mine and what ho! Stuck in a traffic jam for 40 minutes [usually an 8 minute trip]. ABS lights flashing madly on the dash. Washers not working. Screen covered in salt. Joy.

Had my hair chopped off eventually. Hoorah. One success. It does look rather nice too - thanks to the FH and his Christmas day dishwashing attack - all the money he earned, he gave me to have my hair done. darling man. Blessings that keep one sane.

Raced home [again!!] - got on the phone to Dell. Having stewed away under all that peroxide at the hairdressers I had my shouting down pat. Very merrily raised total HELL with the delightfully polite Indian fellow I was transferred to [yes, I was being DIFFICULT - as in, demanding a decent service!!]. Every time he said 'but…' I said 'DO NOT BUT..' and carried on regardless - it was interesting to say the least, and surprisingly, they are following my rather sharply issued commands…well, we'll see if they do anyway. 'Come tomorrow after 3.00'. 'Call me and tell me exactly WHAT they intend to do to recompense me for 3 days lost wages'…I want an extension of my warranty - and told him he better NOT call me unless he is going to give me one…one that is actually honoured!

Grr. Tomorrow they are coming AGAIN. This time, I am going to lock the technician in the house until my bloody computer is working!!

Soon I have my check up. Tomorrow I need to book in for my bloods. A 6 month gap has made me VERY nervous. Can you tell?

Shriek!!!

and last [for today!] but certainly not least

2010-12-22T02:03:00.001Z

On Saturday I woke up to my iPhone meeping at me. Telling me to go to my Justgiving page immediately [what is it with phones that they're so bossy?!]. And, slave to technology that I am, I did.

Woop! A person called Sarah donated £100.00 [ONE HUNDRED POUNDS!!!] to my Justgiving fund!! I almost fell out of the bed! Specs flying and kittens shoved off onto the floor!

Sarah - thank you so much. I wish I could get in touch, but you didn't leave your email on Justgiving. Please get in touch if you want to - I know you are going through treatment. Just make a comment on the blog or add me on Facebook? Or not - as you choose.

But thank you - it's always amazing when people one doesn't even know do something so kind. And every single penny goes to research into women's cancers - bring it on!! :)

Thank you Sarah, and sending you LOTS of positive thoughts. I hope your treatment is going well and that you will come out the other side as fit and fat as I have. I know you can.

and now for something cheerful

2010-12-22T01:40:00.001Z

months ago we decided that we couldn't really afford to do our normal 'Christmas Thing'. The normal 'Christmas Thing' involves me buying things all year, spending [with great delight!] a small fortune on gifts, wrap and ribbon etc etc and then 10 hours wrapping everything in coordinating colours while the FH writes the gift tags [matching ones!]. T'was not to be in 2010! Instead, we bought tickets to the ballet for the Childerbeasts and that was their gift. And tickets for us too, in order to enjoy their enjoyment if you see what I mean? For everyone else? Well - lots of good wishes really.

So we went to see the Nutcracker Suite at the London Coliseum. It was a great trip. I, being a pain in the proverbial, was a tad picky about the performance, but it was very enjoyable - the Opera House just seemed too big for the cast for starters…

The Grand daughter loved it - and that made me really happy. We'd looked forward to it so much - it was really worth it to watch her little face light up. She informed me that it was a 'very posh' place and could she have an orange juice. We had 3 small glasses of Pinot, and the orange juice - it cost £20!! Oh well - at least the wine was good ;) All those Swarovski crystal covered tutus worked wonders on her child's outlook. So pretty! We banged heads 3 times during the performance, trying to discuss things in whispers :) So, we all loved the ballet.

London [and the whole of the UK] has had horrendous weather this last week or two. Snow [my nemesis] and freezing. It was -19° when we were wandering the slushy streets on Sunday evening. Poor Youngest Step Daughter had Wellies on - hello blue, painful and frozen feet! Ugh. The pubs wouldn't let us in, as we had the G'daughter in tow. But we found a fab Mexican restaurant in Covent Garden and ate more food in one go than I'd usually eat in a week! Thank you Martin for dinner - what a treat! Here's the FH, the Youngest Step Daughter and the G'daughter. Exhausting aren't they? All those cheery smiles bless them ;) The G'daughter will have teeth again soon! [we hope]

We went to the Hyde Park Christmas Market - lots of junk to buy there - all totally overpriced, but we wanted everything nonetheless heh heh. And so many wonderful smells and sights! Talking Moose heads too. Much to the FH's hilarity…

Then we bumbled off 'home' to the hotel, and got together for breakfast at a pub the next morning.

On the way home [which we weren't actually certain we'd reach!], we stopped on Waterloo Bridge for some photos and almost got hypothermia. My feet were frozen after 10 steps - thank goodness for buses! Check out the Eye.

We arrived home after the LONGEST train trip EVER [stopped at EVERY station between Waterloo and Exeter - shriek!!] to ten inches of snow!! I have never actually seen this much snow in my life - startling to say the least. And extremely tedious! Thanks to Georgie for sitting the house and looking after the Wild Things…we dug the car out of the parking lot [ffft!!] and crawled home to open a bottle of the wine Mum and Dad gave us for Christmas - might as well start now? And a lovely wine it was too.

Well. That's Christmas done as far as we're concerned…the next week or so we are working every day…lets hope nothing else horrible happens eh?

and the beat goes on

2010-12-22T00:36:00.001Z

on Tuesday we had the funeral. It was [as far as funerals go], really nice. A Humanist service, very calm, very dignified and peaceful. A tribute to Dad's life rather than a bewailing of his death. It seemed very personal. Mum was amazing - I don't know how she did it. I just kept wondering how I would be if it were the FH. And it made [and makes] me feel cold and sick inside. I was so glad he was there with me.

Ian, Dad's brother, spoke for us all and made a wonderful job of it. He chose the music [jazz - Dad's favourite] - and at the end of his words, which were lovely, he read this passage by Mary Frye:

"Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there, I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die."

Dad will always be 'the diamond glints on snow' - it's the beastly snow that killed him.

The final track Ian chose was Ella Fitzgerald's "Goodnight, My Love". Fitting. And Mum, my brothers, the family and I - we all said goodbye.

Then it seems, life must go on - and it's hard. Because it does. One feels as if one should be able to inform everyone that one is NOT in 'the mood'. For anything really. Where's a space to gather oneself? There isn't one. Christmas? Er - no. Not this year. Take that tree and stick it [in a bonfire]. Better yet, leave it in the ground to grow instead of chopping it down and killing it to suffer your ghastly attempts at stylish decoration…fffft.

I think the idea of a mourning band is a good one - perhaps wearing one would stop people from constantly expecting one to be jolly all the bloody time. People are impatient for one to 'get back to normal'. Even people who know what's happened ask "what's wrong with you?" - and to the people who don't know, it's so tempting to say…but would be cruel, as they don't REALLY expect you to tell them something awful has happened. Or want you to. I never understand why they actually bother to ask. As you'll notice - I'm a tad peeved right now. The last 3 years have all been a bit much - and this seemed the final straw.

But of course, we trundle on. We smile and laugh and hold conversations that seem utterly meaningless [and quite often are]…and we cry when no-one can see us.

eulogy

2010-12-21T23:34:00.001Z

and this is what I wrote. But I couldn't stand at the funeral and say it - I would have been a snivelling wreck. As it was I barely managed to hold myself together.

__________________________________________________________

"Funny - today, Dad feels more 'here' than he has for a while for me. Because we are all here because of him. He'd hate that. Too much attention. He wasn't an attention seeking person.

The trouble with Dad was that he was always wandering off. So for us, it is almost as if he is just 'away'…in Ethiopia. Uganda. South Africa. Abu Dhabi. For months at a time sometimes. And he wasn't exactly 'Mr Noisy'. He was a quiet person. A hard working man. It wasn't that he didn't talk a lot; [he did if the subject took his fancy - you couldn't shut him up!] but he wasn't loud. He was very intelligent and he was obsessive about the English language being pronounced and spelt correctly - so I am definitely using spell and grammar check after I type this! I remember him always correcting me when I was younger [and when I was not so young!]. It was a norm in our conversation. He had a perfect grasp of the tongue. I grew grateful for it in latter years, as it made me an excellent proof reader and copy writer. Thanks Dad - all that nagging paid off. Especially the 'rough terrain' vehicle thing - which, having only read the words, I always pronounced as 'rough ter-ee-an'…heh heh - [much to Dad's horror]. By the way, the vehicle in question was Pete's Action Man vehicle!

I remember him giving us our 'places' during the earthquakes in Papua New Guinea. One to hold the fridge, one the carving etc. And I recall him fighting a huge spider with a broom - and the beastly thing would NOT die - the rest of us hid behind a door fainting away as he battled it in his safari shorts, long socks and Caterpillar boots. It kept running up the handle at him! But he prevailed - as Dad's always do…arriving to rescue us when the school bus got stuck in the middle of a rapidly flooding river…taking splinters out - and it didn't hurt…

I recall his massive reel to reel tape of the Beatles - everyone would sit around having a drink and chatting, with the White Album blaring away in the background…and I remember David, the baby at the time, cutting his teeth on empty beer cans, while the Dad's sat around waffling and the Mum's did 'stuff' [like provide food and more beer and control the kids].

Dad was always there to ask things of. Unless it was a domestic - then he's just do the 'ask your Mum' thing. And Mum would say 'ask your Dad'… But if it was a question about something important, well, we didn't ever have an Encyclopaedia Britannica - we didn't need one - we had Dad. And Dad didn't have Google. He just knew stuff.

He was well read, well educated, kind. He was not a complicated man. He was a great Dad. We had everything we ever really wanted - the bikes at Christmas, the holidays, the swimming pool, the pet dog…we travelled, and it made us brave - we had an idyllic childhood spent all over the world - thanks Dad. And thanks Mum - a great team. And an enviable marriage, through good times and hard times. I hope mine lasts as long. 50 years it would have been. Congratulations.

You'll always be in my heart - you always have been; why would that change now?

__________________________________________________________

You see? I did it.

Here's Dad on Pete's chopper - Christmas was always more fun in Africa…it was WARM!!

my eulogy for my father

2010-12-13T00:33:00.001Z

this last week, I've had many poems and amazing pieces of prose and poetry sent to me - they were all touching. Heart rending even. They were all beautifully written. But…they were all about someone else, for someone else and written by someone else.

I write a lot of stuff. And now I want to write [and say] something that I feel about the person I knew and loved. My Dad. And my God it's hard. And to compound the issue, I want to speak from both mine and my brothers hearts. Please - pass me a larger stone to push up the hill?

So hard not to fall back on the old adages. So hard not to be trite. But I will try anyway. Forgive me if it's not very entertaining.

This evening I will try to do this - I NEED to do it - but I am still not sure I'll be able to speak at the funeral. No matter how much I want to…thank goodness Dad's brother Ian is doing this for us anyway.

the wild things

2010-12-11T20:09:00.001Z

I saw this today and almost fell over laughing - must be funny, I haven't felt like laughing all week. In fact I am a miserable unmotivated Blot on the Landscape right now…so, here's something to cheer us up.

This is JUST what goes on in our house ALL the time at the moment…the Wild Things are causing havoc…and wrecking the joint.

and I daresay this is what the Christmas Tree would be like as far as Bear is concerned…hmm, perhaps give it a miss this year. Or get the video camera out in preparation for the flying baubles, flying cats and demented FH. He isn't taking very kindly to the Random Shredding of Stuff.

and this is just hilarious. Thank you Simon Tofield

thank you

2010-12-09T12:09:00.001Z

People have been sending so many lovely messages, cards and poems to our family. It's hard to read them without crying, and harder to answer them in any sensible fashion - thank you doesn't seem to be enough sometimes. It feels like it gets worn out after you say it 20 times.

But thank you - I know I speak for our whole family here. Thanks for friends, thanks for family - and thanks everyone who has sent support and messages. And mostly, thanks for being there.

__________________________________________________________

This is from a friend in Portugal - a beautiful poem. I wish I had the strength to read it at Dad's funeral, but I know I won't. So I'll just post it here instead.

"There is no death! The stars go down
To rise upon some other shore,
And bright in heaven's jewelled crown
They shine forevermore.

There is no death! The forest leaves
Convert to life the viewless air;
The rocks disorganize to feed
The hungry moss they bear.

There is no death! The dust we tread
Shall change, beneath the summer showers
To golden grain, or mellowed fruit,
Or rainbow-tinted flowers.

There is no death! The leaves may fall,
And flowers may fade and pass away--
They only wait, through wintry hours,
The warm, sweet breath of May.

There is no death! The choicest gifts
That heaven hath kindly lent to earth
Are ever first to seek again
The country of their birth.

And all things that for growth or joy
Are worthy of our love or care,
Whose loss has left us desolate,
Are safely garnered there.

Though life becomes a desert waste,
We know it's fairest, sweetest flowers,
Transplanted into Paradise,
Adorn immortal bowers.

The voice of birdlike melody
That we have missed and mourned so long,
Now mingles with the angel choir
In everlasting song.

There is no death! Although we grieve
When beautiful, familiar forms
That we have learned to love are torn
From our embracing arms--

Although with bowed and breaking heart,
With sable garb and silent tread,
We bear their senseless dust to rest,
And say that they are "dead,"

They are not dead! They have but passed
Beyond the mists that blind us here
Into the new and larger life
Of that serener sphere.

They have but dropped their robe of clay
To put their shining raiment on;
They have not wandered far away--
They are not "lost nor "gone."

Though disenthralled and glorified
They still are here and love us yet;
The dear ones they have left behind
They never can forget.

And sometimes, when our hearts grow faint
Amid temptations fierce and deep,
Or when the wildly raging waves
Of grief or passion sweep,

We feel upon our fevered brow
Their gentle touch, their breath of balm;
Their arms enfold us, and our hearts
Grow comforted and calm.

And ever near us, though unseen,
The dear, immortal spirits tread--
For all the boundless universe
Is Life--there are no dead!"

- John Luckey McCreery

goodbye dad

2010-12-08T22:35:00.001Z

My father died very suddenly last week [was it last week already?]. Thursday 2nd December. Five days before his 72nd birthday. He wasn’t sickly. He was fine. He took good care. He'd been for his check up the day before and jovially informed Mum that he would live until he was 90. And I hadn’t spoken to him in a while. Now I regret that so much that there’s a big pain in the middle of me which won’t go away.

On Thursday he decided to go out and sweep the snow off the path so Mum wouldn't slip. Had his lunch, pottered off outside - and the next thing Mum found him lying dead on the path. Paramedics, air ambulance…no-one could help. He was gone. Ischemic heart disease apparently. Personally, I blame the snow. Always hated the damn stuff, now I loath it with a personal passion.

There’s never enough time. Time to talk. Call, write a letter or an email. Visit. Either we’re working, sleeping…something…there’s always an ‘important’ reason to put off that quick contact until tomorrow. Or later. That quick action that says we care has to wait while we do all the things that seem so absolutely dire. And aren't - not really…

And then it’s too late. Now it’s too late. And I am left with plenty of time for regretting.

Dad, like most Dads…is in hardly any photos as he took them. Mostly with people's heads chopped off…but here he is with Mum. This is in South Africa.

When someone dies - we all make time. We all get together, go to the funeral of the person who we didn’t make time to see or talk to when they were alive. We do this without consideration or thought. We will drive through snow and storms or whatever it takes. We will leave work and pets and worries. Because we want and need to. We want to honour them, say goodbye to them.

We need to talk about the person who died and remember all the good things about them. And maybe discuss the irritating things too - but they are also the things that made you love that person. So they are gentle gibes. We laugh about those foibles over bendy egg and cress sandwiches at the wake. Emotions are raw and we perhaps say the things that in other situations, we wouldn’t. Or couldn’t. But should. We really should. We really really should.

The problem is that as long as we know that person is ‘there’, somewhere, we think that there will always be time to get in touch. To say we love them. We forget about mortality. We are complacent.

For me this is unforgiveable in myself. I, of anyone, should know better than to think that life just goes on. I thought I’d learnt a lot these past three years, but patently I didn’t learn enough. I failed.

I didn’t see my Dad a lot. I didn’t talk to him a lot. But I thought he’d always be there. And I always knew if I needed him, or Mum, they WERE there. No matter what. And now I miss him. Because I know he's out of reach forever?

I remember him reading Rudyard Kipling to me, O Best Beloved. They have always been my favourite stories - I can't wait to read them to Grace. And carrying me about on his shoulders. And making the best fried bread EVER for breakfast.

Giving me away at my first wedding [we went in the posh car together - what fun!] - helping me with a biology project where I really wanted to get a 'real' arm from the local ‘Dead People Place’ [I was only 12 - I had no idea what mortuaries really were]. We used card and string instead.

And when he stopped taking sugar in his coffee, I was so impressed [I was about 14], that I did too. He was an artist - he was my inspiration to go to art school. He did a brilliant pencil sketch of our Malamute that I recall vividly. And he made those string pictures with the little nails on painted black board.

I saw the Malamute sketch today at Mum's on the wall. He always wore a St Christopher medal. I saw that today too and I nearly broke down crying. I wanted to steal it. It's one of the things I remember him always having. Just that, his wedding ring and his watch. But always the St Christopher medal. Dad took masses of photographs [his father, Grampy, was a photographer]…slide shows were always good. We have lots of photos he took, as my brother has been archiving them. All our travels all over the world are down to Dad. And recorded in pictures by him.

He was a bit bonkers - here he is with his brother Ian at his 70th birthday lunch - I have no idea why he's pulling that nutty face! He could sew; he always fixed my school shoes. I remember how his glasses would have to go to the end of his nose so he could look over them - sort of through his eyebrows. I remember him rescuing me when I sleepwalked right out of the house. On and on and round and round my mind goes...the Beach Boys on 8 track all the way to Cape Town. Letting me light his cigarettes when he was driving [as he knew I was a sneaky smoker ;) ].

This really reminds me of Dad - got to Get Around…plus, check out the guy on the right - that's real 'Dad dancing' ;)

I keep feeling surreally ok - as if it hasn’t happened. It can’t have happened. Dad has always worked away, so we are used to him being gone for months at a time sometimes. Then it’s like a brick hitting the back of my heart, and I can’t stop crying. I keep thinking of my Mum. I can’t begin to imagine how she feels. They’ve been married for almost 50 years. They were. Married almost 50 years. March would have been their anniversary.

It was Dad’s birthday yesterday. Mum has all these books she picked out for him. And she bought him cigarettes even though she HATES smoking…a treat. For Dad.

Here we all are on Mothers Day. Can't imagine what the FH is up to here! So now I have learnt a new lesson. Do not prevaricate. Don’t put off until tomorrow what can be done today - I was looking forward to calling Dad on his birthday. Birthdays. Always a phone call at the very least. My card was always sent at the last minute because I am useless at the post office. I had the card. One of those big fancy things. I ripped it up in a rage. It’s not like I have another Dad to send it to. I know Dad is sitting up there [with his crossword] telling me to stop being such a drama queen. I know he's somewhere, because yesterday [his birthday] should have been awful, but a whole lot of good things happened - I don't really believe in coincidence. I'm sure it was him.

well, I can’t. Stop being a drama queen. I am so sad. For me. For my poor mum. For my brothers.

Mum... P... D... I do love you all so much. I just never take time to say so....well, I’m saying so now.

And here we all are. A '70s pic. This was so funny. Dad was fuming with Mum and I, as we had one of those laughing/giggling attacks that you just can't stop…as you can see, Mum is almost crying!

Today we went to register the death - I wanted to scream. The registrar was so utterly impersonal, she took so long…she was a total 'jobs worthy'. Mum was chatting and trying to be friendly and brave and cheerful and this woman was just like a block. I lost it when she asked if Mum would mind 'answering some statistical questions'. WTF?? My mum just lost her husband and lifelong friend - why the hell should she answer anything more than she needs? I have a problem with form filling when I'm upset, and it was a miracle we left without me doing something awful. My mum looked so forlorn, and this stupid woman was asking unnecessary questions?? grr.

But leave we did. Calmly. And it took all I had not to burst out crying all day. But I can now. I am dreading the funeral on Tuesday - I don't think I'll be able to hold it together. But really, one has to. Doesn't one?

ovarian cancer?? pass the wine...now!

confused

a gift from my friend

anyway…

a moment

the 400km cycle – entry 6

the 400km cycle – entry 05

the 400km cycle – entry 04

the 400km cycle – entry 03

the 400km cycle – entry 02

the 400km Kenya cycle – entry 01

one day to go – thank you very much!

Jo

OMG!

7 days 21 hours and 52 minutes to go!

raised so far: £4,720.00!!

no time! 18 days to go!

25 days to go!

Nobel peace laureate Wangari Maathai dies in Nairobi

not blogged for a while…

another goodbye

the Kenya cycle: map of the ride

cycle Kenya is a definite!

I’ve been given an award!

My precious friend Tracey gave me an award because I make her smile. Thanks dahling! ;) I am now passing this award on to 5 bloggers, as per the rules below, that I admire and who inspire me and/or sometimes make me laugh so much I nearly throw up!

please think of my friend?

what a fabulous weekend!

grumpy and sleepy

women v cancer conquer Stratford –upon-Avon!

and thank you Steve!

last but not least at the Mill on the Exe

inclines

once more unto the breach?

madness!

the next fundraiser!

Hypochondria?

check up. and more cycling!

KENYA BIKE RIDE: the REVISED itinerary!

more cycling!

women v cancer – training weekend

friends in the USA

our 11th anniversary

still raising funds!

passing

so sad...

frenzied activity

the selfish writer

Easter? what about it?

how am I?

thinking too much?

scabby hands – delightful!

5th fundraiser: Top Rank Revival Night II

friends doing stuff…

melancholy

more fund raising!

life

fffft!

another week – another weep

attitude is everything…

naked ping pong??

just a thought…

good news :: Ovarian cancer survival rate has doubled to 41%

¡Ya basta!

I want to ride my bicycle…

probably a rant?

addicted to speed

tired…

the 4th fundraiser gets underway!

really good news

wakka wakka as usual

more event news!

yay!

shriek!

in the news again!

Vicky joins Kenyan charity bike ride in support of step-mother

the straw that broke the camels back

and last [for today!] but certainly not least

and now for something cheerful

and the beat goes on

eulogy

My precious friend Tracey gave me an award because I make her smile. Thanks dahling! ;)
I am now passing this award on to 5 bloggers, as per the rules below, that I admire and who inspire me and/or sometimes make me laugh so much I nearly throw up!