yesterdays newspaper article

Tuesday 6th January

Here's the article that appeared in the Express & Echo yesterday. I was horrified at how I look in the photo [about 100!] but I was pleased with the article, as there’s only one slight misquote, as I wasn't given two NHS wigs, I was given one, and bought the other one myself just in case - in case of what I'm not quite sure! :o) But maybe that was me, not explaining properly.

There is more info on the symptoms, as a separate box in the actual newspaper, and she did quite well I think. Yippee - more publicity for Ovarian Cancer ! So, who can I attack next...

back to normal?

Sunday 4th January


So, I did feel better the next day! :o) Onward and upward...

Well, Christmas is now behind us once again – not the best one I’ve ever had, with Aj being so ill, but still a nice break [and a nice duck!]. But we are really going to have to try and arrange a ‘proper’ holiday at some point – away from the house, the cold and the bills! This is the worst thing about us both being self employed – every time we take a break, it costs to get someone to run the shop, and I worry now about needing to keep my holiday days in case I need them for some idiot reason. No paid sick leave, no easy ride. BUT saying that, we had a break, so we can’t complain. Some people didn’t stop work at all.

We were talking about the madness of the UK with regard to holidays – suddenly it isn’t the ‘Christmas Season’ anymore – it’s the ‘Holiday Season’. What? hmm...interesting...Anyway, best not go down that road! And of course now that Christmas is over, it’s SALES, and DIET and get FIT. Then it’ll be Easter – eat tons of chocolate, then diet and get fit again...oops, then it’ll be Christmas again...like a manic merry go round of hard selling of just about anything. Bah. Oh, and humbug. Why not?

But of course I am being sucked in this year – I shall be there tomorrow, jumping about in the exercise class at Tedburn, and down to the slimming class on Tuesday if I am not hauled away with a cardiac arrest from Julies class. The difference being, I am not doing it because I ate to much stuffing over Crimbo – I am doing it to try to regain my self esteem. Which hit an all time low last year [so strange that it’s already ‘last year’!]. But it’s slowly and steadily creeping up again. Five months out of chemo, so better get sorted I think!

I am starting to realise that yes, actually I should be pleased with myself. We had a right SOB of a year, but we’re still here, and still together and on the up. And I am getting a little more normality every day. I have gained a fabulous network of AC girlfriends in addition to my family and friends. I have managed to cope most of the time, and remain positive. A hard one, but I’ve done it. Amazing, as if anyone had asked me before I got cancer, how I would cope, I would have said I would NOT have. Well, well, we learn something about ourselves every day – it’s great to learn I am stronger than I thought.

Tomorrow I am off for my blood tests in preparation for my 2nd 3 monthly check up next week – my state of mind is odd, as I am not nervous, but I am agitated. I can’t seem to concentrate well, and everything seems a bit irritating. I don’t feel like talking to anyone, yet I feel like babbling away like a maniac sometimes. Claire’s right – we need to find a way of coping with the run up to the check up, that doesn’t involve violence upon our fellow men ;o)

I have lots to ask Dr Hong – why do I have those pains in my tummy, why are my joints so agonising in the morning, why are my eyebrows falling out again – oh, and what about the ligatures [cheers Stace heh heh]. And a few other things of course. Will the questions ever end? Can I know enough or do I know too much? Some of the AC girls don’t know much – I am not sure if I could cope with that. Anyway, eight days to go. Which I shall try to fill up with work and my new good intentions...

One of those BAD days.

Saturday 3rd continued...

I know that probably everyone who has had cancer has the kind of day I am having today at some point.

Can't be cheerful ALL the time. And I think that’s the problem - trying to be so bloody cheerful and positive all the time. And usually I succeed. But today, not. Cheerful - bollocks. I'm tired of being cheerful.

I just wanted to go shopping like a normal person, so I had Aj drop me in town - it was really cold today - about 2 degrees here, in the sun. So I got all bundled up and off I went. Usually I hate shopping, but I had that head on where I was really in the mood for it. This is a very rare thing!

But the cold - ooo, it was awful - it seems to affect the surgery site something rotten. My stomach started getting these shooting pains and then in the last shop I ventured into, I felt like I was going to pass out. Yay - the assistant even asked if I was ok, so I must have looked a bit shocking [even then I was impressed at someone being kind though]. So I had to call Aj and get him to pick me up, and just waiting about in the freezing cold almost made me cry - I was SO frustrated and SO cross!!

Came home and went to bed - this is the first time I've done that for an age. That made me upset too, as I feel like I've stepped backward - and I know we all tell ourselves how 'lucky' we are, and how we 'should be grateful' etc etc blah de blah - but really today I just wanted to smash something - it felt like washing your clothes in blood - they will never be clean so why bother?? I didn't feel very grateful at all and just wanted to be in that place before I got cancer and became 'wimp woman'. Even while I am typing this I am thinking about Nat being so strong and wondering why I am such an ungrateful thing, but I can't help it.

Well, there we are and I am sure tomorrow I will wake up and bash myself over the head for this, as I will be ok again - but I did wonder...maybe we all have these days, but feel we can't admit it, as we feel we have to be 'positive' and 'cheerful' all the time for everyone else to feel better. And as you know - usually I AM. But not today.

I am so glad I have this place to go to.

The Christmas Trip to London

Andrew asking directions outside Covent Garden station



the Royal Opera House


me! at the Opera House! so cool, what a lovely Christmas present thank you to my darling husband...

Christmas...what?

Saturday 3rd January 2009!


I am sure I am losing the plot. I usually start buying Christmas presents in June. This year I seem to have blocked the whole idea of Christmas, and by the actual day, I had done hardly anything. It was like I just couldn’t get my head around the whole idea of festivities. It doesn’t help that usually we are in the hot, sunny Gambia at this time of year, and as the country is half Muslim half Christian, Christmas is a lot less 'in your face' over there. So the UK brashness seems a bit vulgar – buy this, buy that, you 'must' have all of these...oh for heavens sake. Can’t we just have a lovely rest and a big dinner and have done with all this spending on things no-one really needs? Which is what we did. Our families were great and we all just swapped cards, calls and some little gifts, so we didn’t have to travel anywhere except to London...phew.

For our Christmas dinner the kids came down, I did the fabulous 5 Hour Duck [it seems an infallible recipe! see it here: the Five Hour Roast Duck ], Andrew managed to stay on the sofa for the weekend and dole out pressies and then they all went away again, stuffed to the gills. Perfect!

Our Christmas was extra muted anyway, as Andrew has had that vicious flu almost all the time we’ve been on holiday. The trip to London was amazing, and of course we saw our lovely friends up there too - the ballet – fabulous, I LOVED it but when we got back that was it, Aj went into melt down and has been in and out of bed most of the time. We looked forward for so long to having these ten days to have some fun that it seems a bit harsh that he’s been so sick. But he’ll get better and that’s all that matters. I am sure the flu hit him this hard because of the stressful year he had last year, and it was nice for me to be able to look after him for once. Although it freaks me out that he has been so ill – God knows how he felt about my illness!

London was interesting for me, as it involves LOTS of walking, the tube stations involve LOTS of stairs and the weather was chilly – although we were lucky, as it was mild enough to walk everywhere without going blue. I had a few peculiar moments, where we had to stop and rest for a bit, as I was shattered from walking, but I managed to enjoy the three days immensely, even with the fatigue. If I use my head and stop soon enough, I can re-gather my strength within about an hour. The only thing I am really having trouble with is the cold – it makes the site of the surgery really hurt and it drains my strength really quickly. Lots of nifty stabbing pains in my tummy and that’s always scary. But it resolves itself if I rest – but usually takes a nights sleep to really go away. So, I now hate the cold even more than I ever did, as it debilitates me so much. Grr. I need an electric suit that I can switch on when I’m outside! Toaster Woman...

So apart from that I have discovered that eating too much [and that’s not an awful lot either] leaves me with a painful tummy too – better to eat little and often or suffer the consequences. So I have been happily munching my way through lots of pâté and crackers etc – and not at all concerned about weight...until TODAY!

Tadah! Monday is the start of the New Regime. As in; I have GOT to stop being so self indulgent – just because I had cancer doesn’t mean I have to look like the Dunlop man for the rest of my life. I have tried this already and failed, but now I am determined. Chemo is 5 months ago – time to get a grip. Monday and Wednesday evenings I am off to Julie's circuit training class. It’s just for women, and lots of different kinds of people go. So that’ll be an hour each time. I am sure I will really struggle at first but I don’t care - I am going. Then I am going to go back to the slimming class I did before - oooo, groan.

Exercise AND healthy eating?? It’ll probably kill me!