an ordinary day

well this is my usual day at the moment - awake at 6.00 [this is after waking up every hour on the hour during the night - grr, insomnia so SUCKS]. Go back to sleep until 7.00 [yay - lucky me!]. Have my coffee in bed at 7.30 [the FH brings me a coffee every day - even luckier me]. Get up - straight to the pc, toast with Marmite in hand. Onto email - answer, delete and file whatever has arrived since my last login. Get onto MBHOB site - upload some more Feelgoodecobeds products. Send lots of emails about the glitches in the back office...some things don't work yet, but it's a new site and the people running it are amazingly helpful.

Then. Off the chalet bash for a few hours. Usually 5 hours. Or to garden for a few hours. Weather permitting. Then home again to deal with whatever new problem Dr Debt has and to do a bit more work on the ever growing manual. Today's was a Facebook advert - shockingly bad. WE were not amused. Sent a new layout and logo - hopefully we will get a revised version soon. This is what it should look like:

Then off to spinning class - yesterday was fab. The FH came to class! Good fun doing it together. Then home again, bath, dinner, wine - collapse…

Usually amongst all this I'd do the odd blog post, but Windows Live Writer kept conking out EVERY time I tried to add a hyperlink. Grr. Searched Windows help [help? right…]. No luck. Searched google - still nothing sensible. Uninstalled and reinstalled - STILL had the same error [how is that possible?]. Then I came across this blog post. Hoorah!! Usually I hate changing files on my computer - but it WORKED! Woo hoo! Thanks that man!

Right - off to do some gardening after I scan a skull with wings for transformation into a vectored file later…never a dull moment!

what WAS I thinking?

Today was a bit odd. The plan was to go shopping for shoes. I need shoes. I have a fetish for Kirk Geiger right now. Although any shoe will do! Retail therapy. These are pretty kick ass.

And jeans – but I hate shopping for jeans. They are always too long. And I always have to try on about 50 pairs before I find anything that's remotely a good fit, and by that time I am in such a temper [plus HOT and bothered and looking like a maniac] that shop assistants run away and I can't pay. Anyway, I didn't do anything, as I went upstairs to get ready to go out, took one look at the bed and decided it would be altogether more sensible to just go to sleep for an hour. Fatigue – I don't get it so often now, but when I do…uff. Well, the hour became all afternoon, and having gone to sleep while the sun was shining in the window [nice!], I woke up to total darkness! It was only 5.15, but night time already.

But I obviously needed the rest, as I feel great now. It's been an age since I just allowed myself to have a rest – I seem to fight the idea of sleeping in the day for some reason. Maybe a kick back to being in chemo, when I HAD to stop and sleep in the day, whether I liked it or not. So tomorrow is now shopping day.

In the meantime, earlier on, I was deleting, replying and sorting a zillion emails in my inbox, outbox and blah box. And I came across one from Ovacome, full of useful information about statistics that I might want to know for Thursdays TV interview. So I clicked on the link – ah, stupid. VERY stupid. Today was NOT the day for looking at that [no matter how useful!]. Survival rates, how many women die from ovarian cancer, Ovarian cancer statistics table…blah blah. I have made a rule NOT to look at stats…so why did I do that? I did get rather upset.

But as usual, something happened to make me feel better [I find this happens a lot] – my step daughter Jen text me about bikinis. And holidays. And we texted back and forth, and I forgot all about the stats. She's working until 3.00 in the morning. She's worrying about buying a bikini for the holiday – she also had some encouraging words for me about tomorrow's check up. So I got involved in The Search for A Bikini. See? I have my priorities sorted :o) Bugger the stats, I have deleted that email, and the web site…

Jen.

laughing and crying

I am still laughing about my friends blog to do with Punkin Farmers…it makes it difficult to concentrate on what I actually came here to blog about. Chuckling into the keyboard is not conducive to sensible thought. Heh heh. And she has beautiful photos too. Check it out. A really witty blog.

So, what was it? Ah yes, first, a report on the Hot Flash Rescue stuff – so far, no change that I have noticed, but to be fair I've only be using it for a few days and rather sporadically at that, as I keep forgetting to 'spray my inner thighs' [!], neck, chest and abdomen. By the time I remember to do all this spraying, I am dressed and all those bits are snuggled into warm clothing [it is now Autumn here – as far as I am concerned, it amounts to the same as winter – i.e.: I am always freezing]. Plus there's the lotion, and I am not sure if I will overdose if I use both? Turn into Ice Chick…the opposite of Hot Flash Chick?

So we will have to await events I'm afraid. I will try to concentrate more on the application! Perhaps I'll just spray it everywhere before I get out of bed in the morning!

Next I wanted you to see this. It really touched me. I don't think I really need to explain why, but I'll explain a bit of the story behind it. This woman, Sam, is amazing. She doesn't think she is, but a lot of we other women do – she climbs mountains and cycles miles and miles. She has a job, and she is on the board of directors for HERA Women's Cancer Foundation, a non-profit that raises funds for ovarian cancer research through a series of rock climbing events. And, best of all, she has beaten cancer twice. Oh, and I LOVE her Dragon tattoo [now buried under hair – yay!]. If I'd thought about it while I had no hair, I'd have copied it for sure. Very powerful.

Sam posted this on Facebook yesterday - I saw it and it made me smile from ear to ear, as I just thought "wow, how cool". Then I thought harder and just burst out crying. That horrible gulping crying - why? I don't know - maybe because I was touched that someone I have never 'met' thought to add me to a list of names that starts with someone I know is VERY important to her. So. Thanks.

Facebook Caption: My dream capsule message --"I'm climbing for Sean, Marilyn, Joyce, Beth, Carla, Wendy, Charolette, Tonya, and Sandhy."

And on a lighter note, here is that same crazy person – the tag is: "Hamming it up at C4L" – the tiny person hanging precariously off the mountain [far right] by one hand is Sam! Hamming it up hanging by a thread?? eek!

Sam, hope you don't mind me nicking your pics – couldn't help myself!

experiment with Hot Flash Rescue

right – I am doing An Experiment. I asked Dr Hong ages ago about things one can/should take for the hot flashes. She said to try Oil of Evening Primrose. But she also added that she doesn't think it's much cop, but it works for some people. Well, it doesn't work for me. But I take it anyway, as it has other beneficial properties, so why not.

I asked her at the same time about Black Cohosh – well, you can see that post here. Rolling eyes did make me chuckle – most unscientific.

Anyway, this is the plan – I will try Hot Flash Rescue. Both the spray, and the lotion. Happily this Experiment is being funded by my Mum, as it's bloody expensive!. If it doesn't work, I shall be most peeved.

I shall update in a few days, as I am sure it's a good idea to give it a bit of time to work. Watch this space…

Hot Flash Rescue Lotion

Key Ingredients
Black Cohosh* and Chaste Tree berries* (normalize hormonal balance), Lavender*(relaxing; stress relieving), Sage* (oestrogenic), Mexican wild yam** (progesterone precursor), St. John’s Wort*, Olive Oil*, Avocado Oil*, Macadamia Nut Oil*, Rosehip Seed Oil*, Kukui Nut Oil, Aloe. *certified organic ** certified wild-crafted

Hot Flash Rescue Spray

Key Ingredients
Black Cohosh* and Chaste Tree berries* (normalize hormonal balance), Lavender* (relaxing; stress relieving), Sage* (oestrogenic), Mexican wild yam** (progesterone precursor), St. John’s Wort*, Aloe.

hot flash for the menopausal set!

we all complain about hot flashes, and no wonder – they are a pain in the butt!

"The faster you go through the transition from regular periods to no periods, the more significant your hot flashes are. Hot flashes are severe after surgical menopause, and they can also be quite difficult after a chemotherapy-induced medical menopause. If you haven't been warned about hot flashes, a sudden severe episode can be frightening; you might even confuse the flash with a heart attack."

Oh joy – I have had the surgical menopause. Lucky me. One piece of info I noted with interest is that thinner women suffer less than heavier women – MUST lose weight! ;o)

The only non-hormonal treatment I have been recommended so far by my oncologist has been Oil of Evening Primrose. Which I take every day. And which doesn't appear to make a blind bit of difference. Humph.

According to studies, hot flashes respond to placebo. ''The majority of studies confirm that women taking placebo experience about a 20% reduction in hot flash symptoms.'' So, gimme a placebo that I 'think' will work, and it'll work? Probably that's why the Oil of Evening Primrose doesn't. I never imagined it would. Oh me of little faith!

Then there's black cohosh. Some women get relief from black cohosh, but it has been linked to liver problems and most studies have lasted 6 months or less. So it's recommended that you avoid taking this remedy for more than 6 months at a time. Liver problems? On top of everything else? Er – that'd be a big fat NO thank you. Plus the oncologist gave me a rather rude look when I asked her about it. Trust your oncologist. Especially if she rolls her eyes. Good idea.

So! Failing being able to 'eat' things that may help, we have to think of something else. My first thought was exercise, and that seems to be helping everything. My flashes have lessened considerably since the chemo was completed and I started circuit training, but I still get them, especially if I am stressed, and sometimes when I am very tired. They tend to make one feel rather furious, and the aura before it arrives is quite unpleasant. Off to the internet for a solution!

Tadaah! I found this little fan. It's brilliant – I can put it on the bedside table, and when I wake up feeling like a malaria patient I can switch it on pointed at my face. This seems  to do the trick. For me anyway. It's so little I can take it everywhere, and it runs on batteries and it's not noisy. Cool! ;o)

crap day

Right!! Now I know it works, off we go. Clever innit? To get to the actual point of this whole evenings post. Hmm. I have forgotten what I wanted to post about. MERDE!!! I get THAT furious with this – Oh, I have remembered…it's the combination of hot flashes, pain and chemo brain. Drives me mad.

I am so easily distracted – i do wonder if it's a matter of 'forgetting' things or simply a matter of drifting off. I seem to be concentrating on one thing, then 2 minutes later, I am somewhere else completely. Then I am thinking: 'what??' oh yes…' back to the drawing board. Again. Chemo brain. Such fun. NOT.

Today started out rather well. I slept in until 9.00. That's ok – it's Saturday right? And we were out last night. So. I bumbled about the house, checking email, seeing the current catalogue I am making [which I STILL don't quite like], drinking coffee blah blah. Then I decided that maybe I wouldn't go to circuit training today. Ha! The next minute my new 'skort' arrived in the post. Obviously a message from God saying 'get your fat butt into gear'. And I had to go to the post office anyway, so off I went. All skorted up. Felt rather a tart, as the skort is rather short! Class was hideous. Far too much cheery exercise.

eep!! lots of fireworks going off behind our house – hello typos..:o)

Got home and, full of energy, intended to do the garden. Ho ho…NOT. Rained all day. Wisteria, do your worst. I don't care. It's raining. I hate rain. It should rain in the night. Useful.

And that was it. I went into one of those days where even to pick up my hand seems too much trouble. I feel totally leaden. All my energy is gone. Like I should just lie down and go to sleep. Even breathing seems too hard. Uff. Not good.

And the pain in my left side is back. It scares me. I am a wuss. What is it? Sensitive bowel or the cancer has come back? After all, hoiking out and washing your bowels can't get rid of those little dormant cells now can it? Die cells, die…but having them taken out and washed must have consequences right? Hopefully the pain is just a consequence…

Today I don't care if I am a wuss. I had lots of those stupid, horrible hot flashes. So I absconded to the garden [where it is freezing cold] and had a good old cry. I am sick and tired of hot flashes, joint pain, side pain and worrying about bullshit that may never happen [here's hoping].

Why the crying? I am pissed off with hot flashes. I am also pissed off with pains in my side, insomnia, joint pain when I go up the stairs…worrying about a recurrence of this bitching disease and worrying about why they scan women in the USA and not here…and why I am having pains in my head, and why am I worried anyway?? And feeling like I am too young to have this joint BS. Grr.

Ah yes…I know. I should just 'get over it'. Er – not. I am mostly over it, this is true. But some days…well.

Here's a nice photo to cheer you up after this miserable post! My amazing husband.

lunchtime ramblings...

Monday 27th October


Today I had masses of stuffed pasta with loads of Parmigiano-Reggiano and pesto on top for lunch - which brought me to the unfortunate conclusion that pesto gives me hot flashes. Hmm. Well, I'm not going to NOT eat pesto - so I shall have to eat it with my head stuck out the window. So I probably shan't be eating it in restaurants.

So that's now red wine, pesto, vinegar, tomato sauce and stressing out [or getting cross] that all give me flashes. Initially I also got terrible ones after having a hot bath, now I don’t - odd. Good. They have definitely lessened in occurrence since the chemo ended. I am taking Oil of Evening Primrose, so that might be helping - who knows? I'm just happy not to wake up every single hour in the night feeling like I'm in a sauna...

step 18: two weeks later

Tuesday 18th March:
Now I’ve been home for 2 weeks, started back to work on Friday - bearing in mind I am working from home, and don’t have to lift or anything like that, plus I have very understanding colleagues. We got the appointment to see the oncologist in the post yesterday, I'm going on Tuesday. That’ll be interesting. Little brown envelopes are starting to make me a bit nervous!

Apart from that, the scar is still ITCHING! Driving me a bit mad, and I am so tempted to pick at it like we used to as kids when we had scabby knees. Restraining myself though, as visions of it popping open are quite a good deterrent! But it is surprisingly neat, I am impressed with the sewing skills! At least I feel confident about having a shower now, and I can have a bath, as long as I don’t soak in it, or use smelly things in it. Oooo - missing my bath oils.

Had lunch with Mumsy on the weekend, she was a star and really kept it together; I have come to the conclusion that this is all a lot harder for her, my husband and other people than it is for me? I at least can make decisions and decide things, and I know how I am feeling. For others that care about me, I get the impression there is a feeling of not being able to do enough, help enough etc. Quite frustrating for them. Bear that in mind when people seem to be ‘hassling’ you - they’re not, they’re trying to be useful. They NEED to be useful. Mum was very useful! Brought me home made bread and spaghetti cheese - yesss!

I think people need to see that I’m back to normal, not moping about the house worrying. I have all the power to do things, they have none to help me, so it must be difficult and upsetting. But I need everyone to be cheery and positive, so that I don’t waste any energy on crying and worrying if I can help it. I haven’t got enough at the moment to be using it up on something that doesn’t help me much. I still get very tired, and now a new and interesting event keeps happening - I wake up in the middle of the night drenched in perspiration. HOT!! Super. But not too difficult to deal with - jump out of bed and wander about the house until I am cooler, then go back to sleep. Aj is as bad – he is getting very little sleep, which worries me – he looked at too many things on the internet I reckon. Now that I know where I am, I avoid looking up too many things, as it can be a bit nerve racking and doesn’t gain me anything.

Right! Until Tuesday 25th then!