and a FAB birthday song! thanks I!

hilarious birthday card! thanks F!

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things to be cheerful about; part 02

Tuesday 20th January

And there’s more! What a fab day today for all my American friends - all going wild with delight about Obama. I am so pleased for them. Lets hope he can cope with all the chaos he has landed in - rather him than me. And I am still really buzzed this week too. Frankfurt went far, far better than I expected. I was very worried, as the exhibition we went to is MASSIVE. Lots of halls. Tons of walking and looking and trying to absorb things.

But not to worry! The friend I was with [oh yes, it was the Style Queen again] is a diabetic. It's the first time in my life I've ever had cause to be grateful that someone else has a complication that is outside the norms. I know that sounds weird, but it means there is a greater understanding if one feels tired etc. So, we stormed around the exhibition like two crazy women, and managed to survive until lunch time - then I had a fatigue attack. Very handy, as we sat and had lunch and that was time enough for me to get my act together. At the same time, SQ had a bad moment too, so we were in simpatico. So we ate a semblance of a healthy lunch, then off we went again. Exhausting to say the least, even when you are perfectly fit and healthy...and we managed! Woop woop! And Wednesday evening we were referred to a wonderful Italian restaurant, Paulos [by a cheeky Irish barman], where we had a superb celebratory dinner [my 2nd in one week!]. Paulos nicely combines old-world German architecture with a modern Art Deco look, and it provides a fantastic view of the Main. The waiter ran about in the street after dinner to get us a taxi - brilliant.

The next day we attended a couple of lectures at Heimtextil, and then we were off again - travelling is NOT what it’s cracked up to be, but this wasn’t too bad as I flew into Bristol, which is only an hour and a half drive home. So I arrived at about 7.30pm.

Saturday was more circuit training - Sunday I could hardly walk [exercise is not my forté!], so we walked to the Quay and then to town and had a few glasses of wine. Then walked home again. Hmm - my celebrations never end! Monday, more circuit, then today off to Slimming World, and YAY I had lost 2 and ½ pounds! Only 13 and a ½ to go...eek. Tomorrow, more circuit, as I intend to try to go three times a week - fitness helps to fight off recurrence apparently, so I am there. Plus being overweight is also proved to be an additional risk with regard to OC, so must get those pounds off. And I will. Menopause or no menopause!

Thursday is going to be horrible - I have to get my hair cut. I don’t want to have it cut, so I am dreading it. But, at the moment I rather resemble an inverted scrubbing brush, so I need to do something about it - a hair 'style' would be nice. We will see - I shall post photos if A: I kill the hairdresser, and B: it looks ok!

things to be cheerful about: part 01

Tuesday 20th January

wow, what a great week I had last week - I wish I could share how good it has made me feel with everyone I know! No that’s wrong - I wish everyone could feel as happy as I am right now, and as well as I feel right now.

Monday I went to see my Great GP, [I love my eccentric GP] as it has been niggling me that in the States, they send you for a mammogram if you have had OC. OC and breast cancer are quite closely linked and that makes me a bit nervy.

In the UK you are only entitled to have a mammogram free after you turn 50 - there is a sensible reason for this, as apparently the breast tissue 'thickens' after you hit menopause, and until that happens the mammogram is not much use. As I am now in menopause, albeit surgical, I asked him to send me for one. No problemo, says the Great GP. So, viola! I have a breast crushing experience to look forward to. Can’t be as bad as being hacked in half, so I am not concerned. Better that than getting surprise breast cancer.

Monday night, off to circuit training. Groan. But I am improving, and I am definitely noticing a difference in my energy levels. And I have a semblance of stomach muscles!!

Tuesday - the Dreaded Day. The bloody check up. That was at 3.00, so I had the whole day to wait, but it was a mad day, as I seemed to run from pillar to post organising a zillion things; check in on-line for Frankfurt the next day [another new experience - so cool! you can download your boarding pass! brilliant, no waiting!]. Find the passport and the letter. Do some work. Order some groceries so Aj doesn’t have to live on rice while I am gone. Etc.

Eventually arrived at the time, Jones was waiting outside in his speedy van to zoom me to the hospital. That was unplanned so it threw me and I left the car unlocked I was in such a hurry. Got there - no parking - aaargh stress, swear etc. I jumped out and left Aj to it. So of course he found a spot almost straight away. It was quick this time! Last time we waited about 2 hours. Which I don’t mind [I seem to go into Zen mode once I am actually there], but nicer to be in and out.

This time I saw Mr Renninson. My beloved surgeon. Dr Hong had sensibly done a runner. Mr Renninson ate a lot of Christmas dinner I think, as he is looking a tad portly [strange what you notice!]. He marched in and the first thing he said was 'your CA 125 is 6'. So casual! SIX??? I was so pleased I almost fell off the bed, knickers or no knickers! As for Jones, well I would love to have a photo of his face at that moment. Really that’s when you know how much someone loves you - the total relief there was shocking.

Anyway, Renninson did the physical exam [NOT as thorough as Hong, but I won't bore you with the technical details and I am sure he knows what he’s doing]. He then pronounced: "right, you’re ok, you can bugger off". What? I had a million questions! And what was an eminent surgeon doing saying 'bugger' anyway? I managed to remember one, and had him in fits. One of the girls in the group we have started on Facebook [marvellously named by our Tracey; ScAaaarrrggghhh!! Tissue – heh heh] told us all that when they do the full hysterectomy / oopherectomy, the vagina then becomes like a sock. It's not attached, and could be yanked inside out if they didn't sew it to other things!! Yuck. What a thought.

I was very sceptical of this, but promised the girls I’d ask about it, and so I did. Renninson’s face - hilarious! I am sure I was his tea break 'spazzo patient story'. He told me in no uncertain terms that that was not true. His final words were: "that’s a load of bollocks". Ok, don't mince your words there R! He was obviously on a roll that day. Full of cheeky remarks. Apparently [and obviously] the vagina is attached to lots of other things anyway, so there’s no need for them to sew it to anything else. Good show! Right, off we went, great relief. To say the least. Rang Mumsy with the good news, text all my friends the same and off home.

Right - out of there and off to Bristol to stay overnight with my darling Godmother. Had a superb dinner, and a lovely evening - up at 5.00am to go to Frankfurt and she even drove in front of me so I could find the airport in the dark. Such a darling. What can I say - I was still delirious from the results the day before, so likely would have ended up in Brazil. Thank you sweetie.

And THAT was all nice!!

OFFS!!...don’t ask

Friday 8th January

well, not a very good day actually. I know everyone thinks I am really positive and strong. Well, don’t be surprised when I am not. I am just like you - normal - I also freak out at the slightest thing. Not spiders - no. But cancer returning? Yes.

I do try to be positive, mostly. But today was pretty bad. I am not sure if it was the circuit training or just a glitch, but all day today I have had horrible groin pain where the original cyst was removed [maybe ghost pain like when you have a leg chopped off? god what a thought] and terrible low back pain. I was trying to work through this, but had to jump up every half hour and walk around - not too good for the concentration! Work, jump up - work, jump up - brilliant! like yo-yo girl....

So. Walked around the kitchen [which is small!] crying and railing away. Then my Mum phoned and when I put the phone back, I smashed my head on a hanging candle thingy we have – right on my new scar!! Well, that was it - I screamed and cried and cursed at the top of my lungs. Good job we have a 300 year old house with very thick walls.

I think the DHL chap was a bit startled at my appearance today [he is used to me being in a dressing gown, but not used to a wicked hag who is rather abrupt] and let me sign without checking. Nice delivery by the way - it was 5 copies of the book I illustrated for my friend Isabelle’s Mum. So one good thing today. The books are so cute!! I feel rather pleased at having helped Jeannine realise her book. Jeannine wrote it - it’s lovely. I am so proud that I was the person to illustrate it.

Anyway. Back to complaining. Well, not totally. Andrew is feeling better [yippee! fantastic – he has been so ill, it’s great to see him back to a semblance of normality], so off he went and got me bottle of wine and a bit of shopping – good thing too, as otherwise I should have had to go myself – hmmm, bad idea. I am NOT feeling sociable at all. So that was very nice.

But I also feel bad, as one of my dearest friends brother is having terrible problems. Life threatening, and horrible. I think of him every day, as I know that just like me, he must wish that his life were normal – and that he was better. I AM better, so I can really sympathise. He is on constant treatment [painful and unpleasant] and his family are always wondering. So, we all send him our best wishes and thoughts...Nelson, be well soon.

And [just so you know I am not perfect - er, doh] I spent all day today crying. I think it’s the ‘Check Up Thing’ - we trundle along for 3 months [ideally] not thinking about cancer; then suddenly we have to think about it, as we have to have 'The Check Up'. Which is great, as we have 3 months more of being cancer FREE afterward, IF everything is ok when we go. Hopefully. But also not so great, as it reminds one of where we actually ARE. In the land of: 'Oh yes, you may have 5 years to live' or 'you may not'. Oh that totally fucks up your head. And no, I am not apologetic for the obscenity - that’s all there is to it. Try it - you’ll see.

Oh and thank you everyone for NOT saying 'it’ll be ok' – that would really be infuriating. I know that’s the ‘thing’ to say – but actually, it’s not – the ‘thing’ to say is 'I HOPE everything will be ok'. But even so. Thanks to everyone who 'thinks' everything will be ok – I hope so too. I really do.