mind set

This evening, I feel very close to death.

Not because I am ill – although I am, I have the stupid virus. Stomach ache. Bone pain. Headache.

But I know very well I will recover.

 

 

I feel close because I am thinking too much

Note to self; stop thinking.

yes, we are still here….

lots of us – cancer survivors – trying to be ‘normal’. Oh that’s so never going to happen is it? I am now ALMOST at the 5 year deadline. February 2013 I will have been diagnosed exactly 5 years ago. Amazing, sad and scary what can happen in 5 years. Some things you never recover from. Some of those things are nothing to do with cancer at all.

But a cancer diagnosis can wreck your life, and the lives of those around you. Simply through misunderstandings – through people just not ‘getting it’. And why should they? If you haven’t HAD cancer, it’s impossible to understand the impact it has. Psychologically and physically.

But also amazing, fun and brilliant too! Incredible how many wonderful people I have met and things I have done. My treatment finished in August 2008 – so for me and my cancer team, the ‘five year deadline’ is August 2013.

My life, and my husband’s life,  were both devastated by my cancer diagnosis – I lost my freelance contract because I couldn’t travel, and went from Mrs Prada-Handbag to Mrs Cleaning Chalets-For-A-Living. Oh scrubbing floors was such a joy. Not. I went from earning a rather nice wage to earning the ‘minimum salary’ or less? For the maximum work I might add.

But at least I COULD work. I was and am, so grateful for that. Many people couldn’t have done what I could do at that point. Not because I am better than them in any way – simply because, physically, it was extremely demanding, and physically, I could do it. And again, I was lucky, as I was able to take a circuit training class, and eventually beat the physical weakness following chemo.

I also went from ‘lots of’ friends to ‘different’ friends. I went from being one kind of person to a ‘different’ kind of person…according to some…the mortgage, pension and sundry other things all went by the wayside.  Life became a game of credit cards.

I am so grateful for the fact that I am now back to running my own freelance graphic design house. Mad hours, mad everything – but wonderful after 4 years of struggling, networking and wishing…I am finally getting back on my feet. So, cancer – up yours!! I WILL beat you. You bitch.

and so on…

Well, I STILL haven’t sorted the t-shirts…but, I am all over a fund raiser for March 2013. I have met this amazingly enthusiastic man, Med, of the Bar Venezia. He’s down on the Exeter quay, and I always remember him from a newspaper article about people trying to burgle his shop – he ended up sleeping behind his bar, in order to ‘deal with them’; bring it ON. He is going to help me with this, my FINAL fundraiser. I think…maybe final is a bit ‘final’ though?!

So in March, on Easter weekend,  I will be staging an event there to raise funds for the Cuba cycle. We will have live bands, a raffle, salsa dancing, food, beer, wine – you name it, we’ll have it! It will be a ticketed event. So watch this space for ticket info – ALL the money will go to research into ovarian, breast and cervical cancers.

AND my dear friend Julie is doing a golf day for me again – she raised £800 last year! Amazing...so, crossed fingers for this year’s event.

In the meantime, back at the Cancery Ranch, I had my check-up. Shriek.

As usual, I was trying to be normal. What the hell IS normal ANYWAY? No idea. But my normal is ‘worry about every little thing’. Every bruise, every pain, every bit of crap. All of which could be the precursor of a recurrence. Or not. Difficult one eh?

But happily, my CA 125 was 6 and everything else was cool. Apparently I am to be ‘kept on’ after my 5 year deadline though. That made me nervous for a while – but actually, that’s brilliant. I am all for lots of check ups. Keeps me sane.

and why am I so idle?

I know. Blah – sorry about not posting. I AM alive! AND kicking! Doing another of these mad cycles next year – 400km across Cuba this time. Uff.

Life is chaotic – I'm sure you all have the same problem. Going to do this, going to do that – in a minute; after I do THIS [which is urgent] and after that. Everything is URGENT – particularly in the world of print/publishing. People seem to think that they can give you a [publisher / word / Coleslaw = CorelDraw] file one day, and that, as a graphic designer you will magic it to be 500 printed fliers within two days…well. Never gonna happen. But what DOES happen is the graphic designer gets totally stressed and calls about 90 printers, the printers go bonkers and send demented quotes and the client – well, they go out for lunch and enjoy a nice glass of Chablis and a salmon fishcake…

Which is precisely what I did today! I am usually a non-luncher – which is to say I normally eat something over the keyboard and quickly at that. Today however, I went straight from a client meeting at 9.00 to an exhibition [such as it was] at 11.00 – in between I did an 'urgent' car sales advert, found my cats and applied some makeup. Ugh. Frenzy for a person with the residuals of chemo brain.

Then, after the 'exhibition', a friend of mine, whom I went to said exhibition with, said we should go to lunch. I nearly said no, but then had a wild moment and said yes. I am so glad I did – what a delightful change! We sat in the window of the hotel, had a drink apiece and a light lunch. Met the friends charming son, and planned his future :) It really made a nice day.

Thanks Shaun for that – some little things can make your whole week different. And another absolutely fabulous thing – one of my clients MIGHT sponsor my event t-shirts! Getting on that tomorrow, but seems he might pay for production if his logo is all over the back – bring it on! Logos of whoever – who cares? ..if they generate funds? bring 'em on!!

October

"Look at this shit" – and I quote from here because I totally love this post.

October is breast cancer awareness month. PLEASE try to avoid the 'pink' crap, and instead promote actual/real awareness by telling your friends how to check their breasts [men as well] and how to give practical support to women & men who have / had breast cancer.

Researching this is easy. Get your ass on Google – first lesson: do NOT tell cancer patients to 'be positive' – just a warning, so you don't end up with a hot waffle iron to the face ;)  They WILL be positive…in their own time. But it takes time. And it isn't helped by [well-meaning] people TELLING them they SHOULD be positive. Quite often, you just can't. Losing your hair, going through painful treatment,  gaining weight through steroid treatment and knowing you may die are quite off putting when it comes to the 'being positive' stuff.

Breast cancer is NOT about 'pink' trowels. It's not about pink shirts/shoes/hats/dollies/M&M's or Kentucky Fried Chicken!

It's about pain, loss and devastation [none of which are particularly pink!]

DO help by being proactive and spreading a sensible message. A colour or an obscure Facebook message about where you keep your bloody handbag / hat / heart / whatever the fuck, does NOT define, explain or help people to be aware of the symptoms of this disease. And the saddest thing is that even by being aware, it doesn't help – breast cancer can strike even the healthiest people – it just does. Sort of like any cancer really. BUT by checking, you may be diagnosed early, which can help your survival rate enormously.

Please promote awareness of the symptoms of breast cancer by telling women and men HOW to check for it. Simple yes? You'd think so. There is an awareness pack here. It has a lot of 'pink' stuff all over it – ignore that nonsense and READ the information.

There is an excellent blog post here, all about why 'pink' is so totally ridiculous [do read it – very interesting] I particularly liked the bit where he says:

Being aware of the hazards of shoving a spindle up your ass and lighting your clothes on fire while smacking people in the face with a hot waffle iron and singing “Kumbaya” in a falsetto voice… well, you get the idea. Prevention is the key reason for awareness.

Oh, and if you read the post AND the comments; it's apparent that 'pink' is totally sickening to the majority. Pink? No. Remove it from my sight please. Information? Yes – bring it on…

I am very afraid of breast cancer. It is closely linked to ovarian. Happily, I had a physical check up recently and I am fine. Just waiting for the scan results now…waiting. It's really not good for the 'positivity' factor. So; no-one best be telling me to be positive – 'ware that waffle iron!