check up time again…

why are we so nervous nearing the check up? we/I should be jumping for joy. It's just a confirmation that we are well. Right? No. It's a test to see if the cancer has come back.

The last few weeks I have been worrying a lot. When I initially asked Dr Hong HOW I would know if I had a recurrence, she said that I would probably have the same symptoms as I had in the first place. And that it would probably recur on my stomach IF it were to recur. Oh joy. They were hardly 'in your face' symptoms were they? A swollen tummy, a lump in my groin, extreme tiredness. Well, I have the extreme tiredness again, that's for sure. And it worries me. Plus, apart from being exhausted, I have a lot of strange pains in my stomach – these are apparently 'normal'. After massive surgery like I had, you get pains. Adhesions etc.

Whilst in Portugal I rang the oncologists secretary in tears – she said better to wait until your appointment. So, I will.

But normal?? What is that?? Tomorrow I have to phone and book myself in for my bloods. I should have done it today. But as usual, I leave the important things to last.

To my detriment.

this is so true…

smiling hurts!

this is amazing! It made my face ache from smiling, it's such a happy video – everyone should have a wedding like this!

fantastic! see the whole story here!

travelling and new friends

well. then we went to Stoke. Aaargh – what a nightmare. The trip is, on average, 3 hours, 3 and a 1/2 tops. We took nearly FIVE [yes, 5] hours to get there. Never saw so many crashes on one road! The M5 is jinxed right now. Avoid! The first was a 5 car pile up. Then a three car crash, then road works, then another crash, more road works…it was quite literally, TORTURE!! I think I was in first gear for three hours – eventually had to swap with Aj, as my knees were locking up. Uff.

Eventually we arrived, exhausted, to have a birthday dinner with the girls – Chinese take away! yesss. And chocolate cake [with candles] for Vicky and Aj [Vicky's birthday is the same week as her Dad's].

Aj and his girls:

Then on Saturday we went to put flowers on Aj's mothers grave. I don't mind visiting Clarice, but I always hate this. Confusing. I don't like the cemetery, I don't like what seeing all those graves does to my head. And I don't like walking across the graves either! I always come away from there thinking horrible things and feeling upset. Feeling as if I better sort out where and how I want to be buried / cremated whatever. Not my fave type of thoughts.

Whatever. In the afternoon Aj went to see his beloved football team play against West Ham. While he did that I went to visit a woman recently diagnosed with ovarian cancer. We got in touch through Ovacome. She was diagnosed in September, and had her first chemo last Monday. As I was going to be in the area, we thought it might be nice if we met. Maybe I could give her a bit of support and encouragement. I know that I really appreciated it when I met the girls I now know as friends after I was diagnosed. So, off I went.

I was so nervous. I worried about telling her too much, too little, or something that might really upset her. I tried to bring her some things that might help. I am not a qualified 'let me help you with cancer' person – or am I? We who have had cancer, we know it well. Maybe I am. And it was great! We talked and talked, so much that I forgot the time. Eventually she dropped me back – but I think we could have waffled on for another day. A very strong woman with the right attitude.

But it brought it all back, the scary bits, the things I have compartmentalised. The things I have 'forgotten' [not quite]. But that was good, as I am now in a position to realise how very lucky I am. In a year I am hoping that she will be where I am – a survivor and also a person who is able to 'put away' the worst bits. But first she has to get through those 'worst bits'. It's heartbreaking. But I did it, so anyone can.

It's nice to forget some things. Sometimes chemo brain is a blessing!

the interesting birthday

well, what a busy old life! I am [to quote Nat] a BAD blogger! Which is good. I have been doing a zillion things which I will précis here or bore you all to death.

Firstly, I was working in Portugal – Portugal is a wonderful place to be, lovely people, fabulous beaches, great food, cities to die for, but…CRAP internet! So. No blogging. It just gives me a headache thinking about it. But being there was great, sunny weather [I was actually at the beach, bikini, book and all], lovely food and of course my friends. Oh and a bit of work thrown in [unfortunate that!]

Then home again – the usual midnight flurry of dropping the hire car, Aj collecting me from Exeter Airport, home, sleep blah. The day after I got home was Aj's birthday, plus the Tern TV second interview now that SKY have decided to use me for their Real Lives programme. Tern [Lorraine and Malcolm] arrived at lunch time, and we did a 2 hour interview in our freezing dining room. I shall be blue on the telly. I don't care. If even ONE woman is diagnosed early by seeing this, I shall be delighted.

Then Aj arrived and we went off for lunch at the Poachers. Lorraine did a separate interview with Aj – poor Malcolm had to ask Aj to stop talking, as he became so distressed he was in tears and couldn't film. He said he was imagining what he would do if it were HIS wife. That was sort of reassuring, as it's nice to think we are working with people who actually care a bit. Eventually Malcolm got his head together and carried on filming. In the meantime I ate half the whitebait  hors de oeuvres!

They treated us to lunch and left. We spent the rest of the day chilling out. An interesting birthday for Aj for sure.

The interview: