Monday, 31 December 2012

happy new year!

Here’s wishing everyone a very happy and healthy New Year – may 2013 be filled with all the things you wish for and none of the things you don’t…



Image: edited dom_perignon-Brand_advertising_wallpaper

Saturday, 29 December 2012

mind set

This evening, I feel very close to death.

Not because I am ill – although I am, I have the stupid virus. Stomach ache. Bone pain. Headache.

But I know very well I will recover.



I feel close because I am thinking too much

Note to self; stop thinking.

Friday, 28 December 2012

yes, we are still here….

lots of us – cancer survivors – trying to be ‘normal’. Oh that’s so never going to happen is it? I am now ALMOST at the 5 year deadline. February 2013 I will have been diagnosed exactly 5 years ago. Amazing, sad and scary what can happen in 5 years. Some things you never recover from. Some of those things are nothing to do with cancer at all.

But a cancer diagnosis can wreck your life, and the lives of those around you. Simply through misunderstandings – through people just not ‘getting it’. And why should they? If you haven’t HAD cancer, it’s impossible to understand the impact it has. Psychologically and physically.

But also amazing, fun and brilliant too! Incredible how many wonderful people I have met and things I have done. My treatment finished in August 2008 – so for me and my cancer team, the ‘five year deadline’ is August 2013.

My life, and my husband’s life,  were both devastated by my cancer diagnosis – I lost my freelance contract because I couldn’t travel, and went from Mrs Prada-Handbag to Mrs Cleaning Chalets-For-A-Living. Oh scrubbing floors was such a joy. Not. I went from earning a rather nice wage to earning the ‘minimum salary’ or less? For the maximum work I might add.


But at least I COULD work. I was and am, so grateful for that. Many people couldn’t have done what I could do at that point. Not because I am better than them in any way – simply because, physically, it was extremely demanding, and physically, I could do it. And again, I was lucky, as I was able to take a circuit training class, and eventually beat the physical weakness following chemo.

I also went from ‘lots of’ friends to ‘different’ friends. I went from being one kind of person to a ‘different’ kind of person…according to some…the mortgage, pension and sundry other things all went by the wayside.  Life became a game of credit cards.

I am so grateful for the fact that I am now back to running my own freelance graphic design house. Mad hours, mad everything – but wonderful after 4 years of struggling, networking and wishing…I am finally getting back on my feet. So, cancer – up yours!! I WILL beat you. You bitch.


and so on…

tough_tattoo Well, I STILL haven’t sorted the t-shirts…but, I am all over a fund raiser for March 2013. I have met this amazingly enthusiastic man, Med, of the Bar Venezia. He’s down on the Exeter quay, and I always remember him from a newspaper article about people trying to burgle his shop – he ended up sleeping behind his bar, in order to ‘deal with them’; bring it ON. He is going to help me with this, my FINAL fundraiser. I think…maybe final is a bit ‘final’ though?!
So in March, on Easter weekend,  I will be staging an event there to raise funds for the Cuba cycle. We will have live bands, a raffle, salsa dancing, food, beer, wine – you name it, we’ll have it! It will be a ticketed event. So watch this space for ticket info – ALL the money will go to research into ovarian, breast and cervical cancers.
AND my dear friend Julie is doing a golf day for me again – she raised £800 last year!, crossed fingers for this year’s event.
In the meantime, back at the Cancery Ranch, I had my check-up. Shriek.

As usual, I was trying to be normal. What the hell IS normal ANYWAY? No idea. But my normal is ‘worry about every little thing’. Every bruise, every pain, every bit of crap. All of which could be the precursor of a recurrence. Or not. Difficult one eh?

But happily, my CA 125 was 6 and everything else was cool. Apparently I am to be ‘kept on’ after my 5 year deadline though. That made me nervous for a while – but actually, that’s brilliant. I am all for lots of check ups. Keeps me sane.