women rule!

Between freelance work, which is buzzing merrily along at last [fingers firmly crossed about THAT - look! I even placed an advert! - my self confidence is at LAST reappearing.] And fund raising for Cuba and waiting for my check-up and trying [with limited success I might add] to TRAIN for Cuba, I haven’t much thought about an update on here. But due to some gentle nagging from various parties, here I am again.

I think the most important thing to the majority of followers of this rather lazily updated blog is that I am still NED! I had my check-up on the 11 June – it was the last 6 monthly check up I ever hope to have. In August, I reach my ‘5 year all clear’ [scary!] so my next one is in a year. Changing over to an annual check up is strangely disturbing. Like letting go of the hand that is supporting you. One wobbles a bit at first. I am still wavering between relief and panic. Mostly panic. Which I will get over. I still have a large risk of recurrence – but I also still have my amazing cancer team at the RD&E. So. Not thinking too much about that.

In other news, I have made it to the semi-finals of the Venus Awards! Devon page here. My category is sponsored by The Old Bag Company. For the Inspirational Woman category, there were 307 nominations. I am so touched to have made it through to the semi finals! Amazing. I am not quite sure how many semi-finalists there are, but at the end of the day, just making it through AND being nominated at all is such an honour. Thank you Rita and sundry other friends for nominating me!

And I am cycling! Training for the 400km across Cuba – I even have a new bike, kindly sold to me at a stupid price by my fellow cyclist, Kate. This weekend coming, we will be sallying forth to do the 60 mile Force Cancer Charity ride. I am convinced I haven’t trained enough, but hey ho – we will do it! Check out the shirt design by Chameleon Design! This is Kate and me at the training weekend in the Cotswolds. Good fun!

Other good news is that I have beaten my fundraising target! Thank you SO much all of you who went to brunches, bought raffle tickets, appeared at events and donated raffle prizes. It does mean a lot to me, and I note every single donation, no matter how small – every little helps! Thank you all!

Hypochondria?

As the check up looms I become more emotional. And a bit scared. Quite scared actually. Completely insomniac. It's normal – but it doesn't make it easier. All us cancery types are the same – check up time is murderous. We turn into monsters and we can't help it. But happily the people who love us understand. It's simply nerves. But nerves can cause untold dramas.

I am worried because I have a 'symptom'. Grr. Symptoms suck. I have a bloated tummy and it's doing my head in. To say the least. But I wonder if it's hypochondria? Or just plain terror of a bad result – I had my bloods done this week. That was fun. Not. I kept thinking I should have done this, or I should have done that…when, in reality, nothing I do will make any difference. Either the cancer will take hold again or it won't.

I damn well hope it can't! I need to cycle 400 km across Kenya on October! I keep thinking something is going to happen to stop me doing that – and I would be FURIOUS if it did.

So. Cross your fingers or say your prayers for me. I need every  help I can get…

biopsy results

GOOD NEWS FOR ME!! Gail called me today with the biopsy results; apparently Renninson was trying to get hold of me all day yesterday but I was at an exhibition with the FH. Pretty cool that he wanted to speak to me himself [that would be because I am his Favourite Patient heh heh – love that].

I suppose it must be a treat for Renninson to have good news to share, as I would imagine he has to make a LOT of really difficult phone calls, telling people bad news. Like the call I had from him in December – which, happily, is now the past. Although I still remember exactly how I felt at that moment. A horrible cold empty feeling. Then a mad rush of emotion; mainly fright and worry. Which we lived with until I had the laparoscopy last Monday. Pretty exhausting to be that worried all that time.

But that doesn't matter now, as the result is: ALL CLEAR, NO CANCER! As Renninson said initially; and I believed him, but this additional reassurance is fantastic.

Apparently he did a peritoneal biopsy, and the suspicious thing was 'pieces of fibroadipose tissue'. Well. Bloody fibroadipose [fibroadipose: fi·bro·ad·i·pose (fī'brō-ād'ə-pōs') adj.Relating to or containing both fibrous and fatty structures.] tissue should just stop with it's BS of looking weird! In fact, it could fuck right off would be good!! Anyway [calm calm] - the biopsy report states: 'pieces of fibroadipose tissue without malignancy'. WITHOUT MALIGNANCY – blessed words for any cancery type.

This is some of that fibroadipose tissue. Looks like a party animal for sure. I am seeing far too much of my innards recently.

I feel so lucky – it COULD have been a recurrence [and my life would have been completely different]; the odd thing is that because I was diagnosed almost exactly 2 years ago in February, and because everything happened again in February [the surgery, results etc], I feel almost 'undiagnosed'. Hard to explain, [and silly superstition] but as ovarian cancer is most likely to recur within the first 2 years, I was almost resigned to a recurrence. And hated February. How stupid am I?

We are just so pleased - we have gone WILD and we're having pizza and wine to celebrate - the FH trundled off to get it :o) And we have a big fire and life is good! Now just to heal properly [still have a belly full of stitches] and get a job!

wahahaha!!

Oh yes – I had to cancel the mammogram last Friday – driving to the RD&E for a procedure TWICE in one week would have just been too much for my teeny brain – but I already have another appointment for April 30th. Efficient eh? But I'll have to change that too, as I have the Target Ovarian Cancer Roadshow! Such a busy little bee…

update part 01

First thing is, it's GOOD news! Second; this will probably be a bit fragmented. I am still full of anaesthetic and pain killers. So I will write between sleeping. I have to walk about a bit, as much as I'd like to stay in bed all day so trundling up and downstairs to my office seems good exercise. Just have to go slowly. So many people have asked for an update, and here is the easiest place to tell everyone all in one go. Between nodding off!

Yesterday. We arrived at the hospital at 8.00. My surgery was scheduled for 3.00. No eating after 7.30, no drinking after 11.00. The Ward Nurses were not happy; I could have gone in at 11.00, as it was I sat in the waiting room for 4 hours before they could put me in the Day Ward. Then another 3 hours in there. Happily I met a lovely woman and we chatted all morning, so the time went quite quickly. She was on the same schedule as me, except her surgery was at 1.30.

Yawn. Time for a kip.

In the Day Ward we got into our hospital gowns [a new, sort of oriental design that covers your butt – thoughtful!] and the snazzy white DVT knee socks. There were 10 of us all sitting next to our beds. It seemed confusing as there were two women supposedly first on the list. Hmm – then a major frenzy occurred at about 12.30. Anaesthetists and surgeons descended upon us like locusts! TWO surgeons. Good. Two lists. I was third on Mr Renninson's, and my time moved from 3.00 to 3.30.

I saw the Anaesthetist, Dr John Saddler, first. As usual, a wit. Seems to me Anaesthetists are always pretty chuckalicious chaps. Then I saw Mr Renninson, my surgeon. He ran through the procedure, we discussed the book I am reading as he is reading it too, he got me to sign the release forms and told me he would come and tell me what he saw as soon as I was coming round. He said if he didn't see anything cancerous, he wouldn't bother with a biopsy. Aaargh! What? So I asked him to PLEASE just do it anyway, as he would be in there rooting about, so why not have that extra assurance? He said he'd see, and he also said I am his favourite patient!! That was nice of him. He is for SURE my favourite surgeon!

Sorry, I am not getting far fast with this – I started at 8.30 and it's now 12.00. I keep wandering off. I have managed to sleep a bit and do some washing in between. And eat more painkillers. And I am now going for more sleep!

Right – where was I? Oh yes. So, off I went to surgery, actually at 3.15 – managed to see the FH, who popped back, but only for a minute. I came round about 40 minutes later, and I am sure it was 2 minutes after that that Renninson shot into the room, beaming his little head off and informed me he couldn't see ANY CANCER!!! Then he rushed off again with the promise he would see me later. Whoosh!

He had a Noddy hat on?! A red and blue striped beany. I will never forget it.

I couldn't believe it. I burst into tears which promptly threatened to drown me, as I still had the oxygen mask on. And that is the best news we have had for what seems like forever. I just wanted to rip the mask off, find the FH and tell him. I did manage to give him the thumbs up as they wheeled me past him on the way to recuperate in the Day Ward. His little face was a picture – I'll never forget that either.

More details later. He had to do a bit of chopping and slicing. I have pictures!! And stitches. Ugh.

I will still be a LITTLE worried until I get the biopsy results in a few weeks, but Mr R is pretty reassuring. If he says no cancer, well…I am 98% there. More sleep now, as everything is rather hurting. But I am The Bomb!! No cancer??…woo hoo!

suspicious CT scan results

Hmm. Last year, cancer. This year, Aj has lumps in his abdomen which frightened me half to death  [thankfully nothing bad], I get over cancer and grow my hair back, then no job. Pretty bad.

Oh and the scan has something 'suspicious' on it. On the right, where the initial cancer was. A Suspicious Thing. Oh joy. Bad things always come in threes. Obviously losing my job wasn't quite 'bad' enough.

John Renninson called me today and very kindly told me that I need to get my ass down to the RD&E tomorrow morning at 10.00 to discuss what options we have regarding finding out precisely 'what' the Suspicious Thing is. I asked him what he THOUGHT it was and he said he doesn't want to have this conversation by phone, better to come in and discuss it, but it may be a recurrence. But he's not sure. Well, he should be sure – he's my expert! But he's not. Sure, that is.

Aj's face went white when I told him, and took all afternoon to get back to it's normal colour. My poor husband.

So I am saving my Nervous Breakdown for after the procedure that will see what the hell it is. Hopefully it's something fun like a scar tissue, a fatty lump or a chip that went down the wrong way. Hopefully I won't have to be chopped open like a sardine tin once again.

I did send out 2 C.V's today. And I coloured my hair [which is now an interesting shade of 'WHAT the hell kind of brown is that'??]. At least I achieved something. All be it looking rather like a short demented red haired person. It said Chestnut on the box! I think the CHEST part was the error…

And I have been thinking about how tired I have been lately. Again. Exhausted and wrung out. The travelling to Portugal was half killing me. And I did have a bad feeling about this scan, even though my CA 125 has remained low. Renninson did tell me not to rely on it.

But, on a more amusing note, tomorrow afternoon the Times are sending a photographer to take "cheerful, happy" photos of me for their Christmas Special [with the NUT coloured hair]. A cheerful, happy, cancery type talking on Facebook. Hmm…interesting to say the least. Not what I'd call Christmassy!!

Update tomorrow. Now, wine.

yay – result!

Check up day – what fun [not]. Off to Exeter. Parked near the solicitors…you can only have up to an hour there, so that was perfect.

Wandered into the shops and had a mental aberration in Warehouse. Bought stuff [as you do IF you aren't looking for anything, which I wasn't – well, the shoes apart]. Looked for the shoes.

Well, the shoes were a BIG failure. After racing about Exeter town centre looking for the Kirk Geiger shop [and not finding it], I resorted to the iPhone and looked it up on the www. Oh yes…it was in BRISTOL that I went into that shop…stupid chemo brain. So, no shoes. YET!!

Then Aj rang and said he was home, so I went to pick him up to go with me to the RD&E. Thank goodness I did. The parking was a complete and utter nightmare. Aj dropped me at Force and went to try and park. I dropped the collection box in and got a new one. Everyone seemed very excited by the weight of the box. I also got some Christmas cards. Then went to find the DH. He passed me in the car, waving his arms and legs in hopelessness of ever finding a space. I merrily left him to it and went for a cup of coffee in the waiting room.  WAITING being the operative word! An hour late! Oh well.

Of course, as soon as I got really stressed and raced outside for a cigarette, I was called. Raced back in and assumed the position.

Right – First thing, the CA 125 is 8. Yay. Up 2 from last time but not actually 'up'. Relief there. Although I do understand this is not definitive, it's still a nice little control mechanism for panic.

Next; regarding the pain I have been having. Initially I had a dull pain under my left ribcage, almost straight after the surgery.  That has remained constant. And I don't worry about that. Maybe it's a scalpel or a hat that someone forgot. But for the last few months [since my last check up] I've had a new, more painful pain that runs down my left side just inside the hip bone. The last few weeks it's been going down my leg too. NOT conducive to cheery thoughts. Renninson said it is the large intestine, or bowel, and apparently it's backing up? He can feel it, and shouldn't be able to.

Charming. A 'backed up' bowel? Eww. It seems I need to drink MORE water, and eat MORE fibre. Probably linseed oil. Which I always thought was for cricket bats [all important task of applying Linseed Oil to your bat...don’t forget the toe!]. Renninson thinks not. It's for bowels and I should have it at breakfast. Sounds suitably repulsive, but I shall try it.

And he's sending me for a CT scan. Result. So now I can chill out [between scoffing fibre and guzzling water and linseed oil] until the scan results. Hoorah.

step 15: biopsy results

Wednesday 13th March:
Went back in for the biopsy results, and they were much as we expected, but it was still quite a shock. I took my trusty notepad again, and Aj was with me. If you can take someone, do so, as no matter how well prepared you think you are for bad news, it’s still hard to deal with.

I have/had ovarian cancer, and both ovaries were involved, plus it had grown onto the bowel and there were traces of it in the omentum. This is a type 3 cancer [still need to get that clarified], and is pretty lethal. Generally speaking, the higher the grade, the more quickly the cancer is likely to grow. They have obviously removed everything they could see, but as the mass had started to leak into my abdomen, there is a likelihood of there being some ‘invisible’ cancerous cells still remaining which could grow back. So I need to have chemotherapy to get rid of it. There is a 70 to 80% chance of clearing it, according to Mr Renninson.

In two weeks time I will have a meeting with the oncologist who specialises in this kind of chemo. They will tell me what they plan to do, and give me a date for the first treatment. This is likely to be one week after the initial meeting. The delay is so I can first recover from the surgery I have just had, as it was so massive.

I will then have 6 treatments, one every 3 weeks. Each treatment takes approximately half a day. Apparently it’s exhausting, but I will get all the details on Tuesday.

The one thing the Renninson and the ward nurse said is in my favour the fact that I am so positive – apparently this helps a lot. So, we have our positive heads on, as I don’t intend to let this stop me doing everything and anything!

And, some totally gross news – he said the cyst / thing he removed weighed ½ a kilo!! Aaargh! And I have a picture of it – it is so disgusting I can’t believe it!! I am so glad I didn’t see it before he removed it, as I would have been tempted to try and get it out myself! Hideous thing. Anyway, shot of it now, and recovering well. Apart from the blasted wind!! I never knew AIR could be so problematic! grr.