statistics

Yesterday, I looked at some STATISTICS – and lost the plot a bit. Statistics always do that to me, and usually I avoid ‘seeing’ them if at all possible. Plus I usually don’t take any notice of them, because ‘statistically’ I should probably be dead. And as I’m not, I feel justified in ignoring them. A bit like weather reports. But the big bill board was a bit hard to NOT see, which led to the ‘omg! omg!’ attack. Fear creates anger in my head. Then I need to DO something, which is not always possible.

But, saying that, something useful DID come of my Statistic Shriek. I was reading an article [copied in below, as they sometimes disappear – actual article here] about the sad death of Pierce Brosnan's daughter, Charlotte, and I discovered that in the UK, women at high risk are eligible for annual screening once they reach the age of 35, or are five years away from when their youngest relative was diagnosed with the disease.

This is great! And why didn’t I know? Please share this information. It could save someone's life.

Pierce Brosnan with his daughter Charlotte, who has died of ovarian cancer, aged 42

“Catch ovarian cancer before the disease catches you

By Max Pemberton

The death of Pierce Brosnan's daughter, Charlotte, from ovarian cancer must increase awareness of this often ignored disease.

The sad news last week that Pierce Brosnan’s daughter, Charlotte Emily, has died of ovarian cancer at the age of 42 has put this oft-ignored disease on the news agenda. It is the fifth most common cancer in women, with 7,000 cases diagnosed annually in the UK, yet it is rarely in the headlines compared with, say, breast or cervical cancer.
Ovarian cancer has been linked to certain genetic mutations that are also implicated in breast cancer; and the tragedy of Charlotte’s death was compounded by the fact that her mother Cassandra, Brosnan’s first wife, died of the same disease in 1991.
Whenever someone in the public eye is diagnosed with or dies from a disease, the number of anxious people visiting their GP with apparent symptoms rises. Often, these are the ''worried well’’, but in the case of ovarian cancer, not all women who may be at increased risk realise they are entitled to regular monitoring on the NHS.
If any good can come from this death, it is an increased awareness of the support and screening services available for women with a higher-than-average chance of developing the disease. They include those who have a strong family history of ovarian or breast cancer (two or more close relatives from the same side of the family, such as a mother, sister or daughter, who are diagnosed under the age of 50). Such women may have inherited a mutation on the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene and can be referred for genetic testing.
The chance of developing ovarian cancer for most women is one in 50, but for those with this mutation, the risk rises to between 15 and 45 per cent.

Women at high risk are eligible for annual screening once they reach the age of 35, or are five years away from when their youngest relative was diagnosed with the disease. Screening includes a blood test for a chemical that is sometimes produced by ovarian cancer cells and an ultrasound scan.
Anyone concerned about the risk of ovarian cancer should use the online information tool called Opera (http://www.macmillan.org.uk), which will help them decide whether they should seek medical advice.”

women rule!

Between freelance work, which is buzzing merrily along at last [fingers firmly crossed about THAT - look! I even placed an advert! - my self confidence is at LAST reappearing.] And fund raising for Cuba and waiting for my check-up and trying [with limited success I might add] to TRAIN for Cuba, I haven’t much thought about an update on here. But due to some gentle nagging from various parties, here I am again.

I think the most important thing to the majority of followers of this rather lazily updated blog is that I am still NED! I had my check-up on the 11 June – it was the last 6 monthly check up I ever hope to have. In August, I reach my ‘5 year all clear’ [scary!] so my next one is in a year. Changing over to an annual check up is strangely disturbing. Like letting go of the hand that is supporting you. One wobbles a bit at first. I am still wavering between relief and panic. Mostly panic. Which I will get over. I still have a large risk of recurrence – but I also still have my amazing cancer team at the RD&E. So. Not thinking too much about that.

In other news, I have made it to the semi-finals of the Venus Awards! Devon page here. My category is sponsored by The Old Bag Company. For the Inspirational Woman category, there were 307 nominations. I am so touched to have made it through to the semi finals! Amazing. I am not quite sure how many semi-finalists there are, but at the end of the day, just making it through AND being nominated at all is such an honour. Thank you Rita and sundry other friends for nominating me!

And I am cycling! Training for the 400km across Cuba – I even have a new bike, kindly sold to me at a stupid price by my fellow cyclist, Kate. This weekend coming, we will be sallying forth to do the 60 mile Force Cancer Charity ride. I am convinced I haven’t trained enough, but hey ho – we will do it! Check out the shirt design by Chameleon Design! This is Kate and me at the training weekend in the Cotswolds. Good fun!

Other good news is that I have beaten my fundraising target! Thank you SO much all of you who went to brunches, bought raffle tickets, appeared at events and donated raffle prizes. It does mean a lot to me, and I note every single donation, no matter how small – every little helps! Thank you all!

here we go again!

Today was the first ‘proper’ training cycle for the Cuba ride in October. I’ve been to a few spin classes, but even though they are brilliant for stamina, they are nothing compared to a road cycle. No wind, no rain etc. Check out the Cuba Creature in my Camelback – I really need a name for him. He is going to be photographed all over the place, a bit like Where’s Wally.

The FH and I cycled down to Exmouth and back, roughly 23 miles, at below average speed [for us] of 11.5 miles per hour. But, not too bad for a first run, as we had a head wind all the way out, and then we had it all the way back plus rain. And cold. My hands were freezing! Horrible – but I am glad I did it, as I have been very concerned about my ability to do Cuba. I almost got to the point of thinking I wouldn’t do it at all.

I have been fund raising like a maniac [probably driving everyone I know completely insane] and as always, I’ve had amazing support. At the moment, I am at 86% of my target, which is £5060.00 – just ten pounds more than I raised for the Kenya cycle. I’d really like to beat that! But even if I don’t, I’ve raised over the required minimum of £2900.00; at the moment I have raised £4,366.30. So now all I have to worry about is the training!

Doing this second fund raiser has been difficult and exhausting. I also have a job, and as a freelance designer, I am constantly glued to the computer. So social networking is a breeze, as I do it in between jobs…but ‘actual’ fund raising is pretty stressful. Organising people always is. BUT, it’s gone well! And, my friend Lindsey is doing an auction of one of her amazing paintings to raise funds too! Check this out – a beautiful painting she did whilst convalescing from surgery. The auction is on FaceBook here: https://www.facebook.com/events/266147843521944/

Going back to the worry of doing Cuba – it has taken me 4 years to get back on my feet regarding my little freelance business. One year after diagnosis, my ongoing contract ended – gave me an excellent lesson – do not have only one client! Since then I have been networking, and now I actually know local people – even road names! I have built up a little client base, and they are all lovely. So I don’t want to risk losing them. But, I have to train.

So, weekends are now Designated Cycling times, and I am hoping to fit something in during the week if possible. At least after today’s cycle I remembered that I CAN cycle! And I WILL do Cuba.

On other things; I don’t have my check-up appointment. Shriek! What used to happen was one would make the appointment on the way out from the last one. Nice and simple. The sweet reception lady would give one a choice of times and dates. Fill in the card…boom, sorted. Then you could just forget about it until it was due.

NOW, some prat has changed the system  [I’m hoping they have a headache for a year actually] and we have to wait for an appointment to come through the post. What?? So, when will it come? Where is it?? I am having nightmares about missing it, dreams about calling and asking when it is… I need to know NOW. So that I don’t have to worry about it. Thinking I may call and ask – but it’s so unnecessary! The old system worked perfectly. Bah. Additional stress. Fools who changed the system. Slap to the head those people!!

So, mad check up attacks aside, please buy a raffle ticket! I am holding an on-line raffle here if you are on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/events/128509787338341/

If not, to buy tickets, please just donate to my JUSTGIVING account. Tickets are £2.50 per strip [five tickets]. I will email [please leave your email with justgiving – they do NOT share it] message or post your ticket numbers on the event wall and enter you in the draw. The draw will take place on the 6th May. The winner will be notified by email/ phone or through Facebook.

THE PRIZE is two nights accommodation with breakfast at The Waterman’s Arms Country Inn, Bow Bridge [dogs are welcome too!], kindly donated by the Waterman's Arms. PLUS!! A meal for two with a bottle of wine kindly donated by Scotties Electrical. This is worth a *minimum* of £250.00!! So, if you fancy a weekend away in Devon this year for the price of a raffle ticket, get buying.

 

Thanks for your support, and good luck!

yes, we are still here….

lots of us – cancer survivors – trying to be ‘normal’. Oh that’s so never going to happen is it? I am now ALMOST at the 5 year deadline. February 2013 I will have been diagnosed exactly 5 years ago. Amazing, sad and scary what can happen in 5 years. Some things you never recover from. Some of those things are nothing to do with cancer at all.

But a cancer diagnosis can wreck your life, and the lives of those around you. Simply through misunderstandings – through people just not ‘getting it’. And why should they? If you haven’t HAD cancer, it’s impossible to understand the impact it has. Psychologically and physically.

But also amazing, fun and brilliant too! Incredible how many wonderful people I have met and things I have done. My treatment finished in August 2008 – so for me and my cancer team, the ‘five year deadline’ is August 2013.

My life, and my husband’s life,  were both devastated by my cancer diagnosis – I lost my freelance contract because I couldn’t travel, and went from Mrs Prada-Handbag to Mrs Cleaning Chalets-For-A-Living. Oh scrubbing floors was such a joy. Not. I went from earning a rather nice wage to earning the ‘minimum salary’ or less? For the maximum work I might add.

But at least I COULD work. I was and am, so grateful for that. Many people couldn’t have done what I could do at that point. Not because I am better than them in any way – simply because, physically, it was extremely demanding, and physically, I could do it. And again, I was lucky, as I was able to take a circuit training class, and eventually beat the physical weakness following chemo.

I also went from ‘lots of’ friends to ‘different’ friends. I went from being one kind of person to a ‘different’ kind of person…according to some…the mortgage, pension and sundry other things all went by the wayside.  Life became a game of credit cards.

I am so grateful for the fact that I am now back to running my own freelance graphic design house. Mad hours, mad everything – but wonderful after 4 years of struggling, networking and wishing…I am finally getting back on my feet. So, cancer – up yours!! I WILL beat you. You bitch.

and so on…

Well, I STILL haven’t sorted the t-shirts…but, I am all over a fund raiser for March 2013. I have met this amazingly enthusiastic man, Med, of the Bar Venezia. He’s down on the Exeter quay, and I always remember him from a newspaper article about people trying to burgle his shop – he ended up sleeping behind his bar, in order to ‘deal with them’; bring it ON. He is going to help me with this, my FINAL fundraiser. I think…maybe final is a bit ‘final’ though?!

So in March, on Easter weekend,  I will be staging an event there to raise funds for the Cuba cycle. We will have live bands, a raffle, salsa dancing, food, beer, wine – you name it, we’ll have it! It will be a ticketed event. So watch this space for ticket info – ALL the money will go to research into ovarian, breast and cervical cancers.

AND my dear friend Julie is doing a golf day for me again – she raised £800 last year! Amazing...so, crossed fingers for this year’s event.

In the meantime, back at the Cancery Ranch, I had my check-up. Shriek.

As usual, I was trying to be normal. What the hell IS normal ANYWAY? No idea. But my normal is ‘worry about every little thing’. Every bruise, every pain, every bit of crap. All of which could be the precursor of a recurrence. Or not. Difficult one eh?

But happily, my CA 125 was 6 and everything else was cool. Apparently I am to be ‘kept on’ after my 5 year deadline though. That made me nervous for a while – but actually, that’s brilliant. I am all for lots of check ups. Keeps me sane.

result!! and no, not footy or tennis

I waited just 7 days [which seemed like 10 years] for my CT scan result – but well worth the wait, as my scan is clear. I had an after hours call from my lovely nurse, Gail [Mr Renninson is on his hols] – first thing she said after letting me know who she was is that she had GOOD news. What a pro :) The instant one hears that it's 'The Hospital' – well, the brain goes haywire. Waiting for results makes ones head a gigantic maelstrom – so, 'good news' was a great thing to hear.

If it had been bad news I would have had to ask her to call back when the FH was home. Nothing like bad news about a cancer thing to make one's mind a complete blank.

BUT! Seems my CT scan is completely cancer free. Rah!!

So I am off to the GP like everyone else, to see what the hell is going on with my back. I have been wondering if I have early Osteoarthritis - maybe due to the chemo which can exacerbate that kind of crap. It's in the family and the chemo amplifies any existing problem, so, better to try find treatment now? Or at east know what to do that will help NOT have this. OR, better yet, I have a muscle problem from sitting in the wrong position on my bike ;)

But in the meantime - bloody brilliant result eh?? Chuffed!

Oh, and one more medal for the [terrifyingly manic and traffic infested] Nightrider – and then, 10 days later we did the rather hilly Force 100km challenge – so, another medal :)  I am Mrs Medal heh heh – amazed! Here we are at the end, looking rather windswept and interesting…

Now we are training for the 100km Great Shakespeare ride…argh! So, please buy a raffle ticket! All monies to my fund – thanks!

we need more funds for research.

 

An excellent video – and it has Hani in it! :)

the Nightride – eek!

Here we are – that's not actually all of us. But it's most of us! Charlotte, Juliette, Julia, Helen, Mazerati, Rachel and I. All of us did Kenya and it was lovely to get together again. MIA are Lorraine, Julie, Richard, Delyth and a few others that had wandered off.

Richard, Julie and I started the day in a rather novel fashion. Julie managed to get a fellow to GIVE us a van [yay that fellow & Julie's powers of persuasion!], plus a tank of petrol to transport us and our bikes to London. We need rather a large vehicle, as Richard has a tandem. So, all organised the day before – 11.30 ETD and we were all packed and ready. But the van broke. Hmm. Panic stations – but a new one was organised and we were off! Three and a half hour trip, including collecting Laurence from Heathrow, who flew in from Switzerland [I think] for the ride. We stuffed him unceremoniously in the back with the bikes for the last 50 minutes – poor fellow. In the dark! But he had coffee, sandwiches and Julie's head lamp, so he survived. I am wondering what the CCTV chaps at the airport thought…kidnapping?

We went off at 00.30, about 75 of us. And promptly got lost. ALL of us! Quite chuckalicious, as we were still fresh, so going down and then up three extra hills didn't seem too drastic at the time. The signage for this ride was NOT very good. Green plastic with black text. NOT luminous. Ok in daylight, but try and find one of those at night in the middle of sign infested London whilst watching out for buses, taxis, drunk people and massive potholes [who knew? roads are worse than Kenya!]…suffice to say, lots of people got lost. Happily, there were so many of us [3000] that eventually everyone found someone else.
There was a marked lack of marshals too.

Having found our way back onto the route, we were off! Again! And it was fun! But exhausting- we didn't factor in the 3 billion sets of traffic lights – literally stop start stop start all the way. About 90% of the lights were red…so our overall time was terrible, but it isn't a race, it's a team effort. The first half we did an average of 4 miles an hour…the second half [after 4.30 when everyone was off the roads apart from us and a few random prostitutes – who, by the way, cheered us on thinking we were Olympic cyclists :) ] was better – about 10 mph.

This is Regents Street at 3.30 in the morning! Buses, cars, taxis, and the Pedicab Rickshaws. They take up the entire cycle lane [when there is one] and drive like maniacs. This was manic. The level of concentration required was high, so it was more tiring than a normal cycle. London is NOT cycle friendly.

Back to the cycle – the break stops were not the best. Usually there are bananas, fruit and cake – stuff to eat that fuels you but also tastes nice. This lot had those horrific corn chips that kids eat [they were in the shape of ghosts for heavens sake! what? yuck!], and energy bars covered in chocolate. Ugh. Lots of water though. And lovely friendly people to help if you needed it.

The main break in the middle was shocking – bendy pre-packed sandwiches. A choice of ham and tomato on dry brown bendy bread, or cheese and tomato on dry white bendy bread. Hmm, what to  do? Mainly, choke it down! And we had to pay a pound for a coffee or tea. After paying £99 to do the cycle?? Lots of rather startled cyclists. Plus only ONE chuck wagon to deal with 3000 cyclists? Poor women were run ragged – they did their best, but it was bad planning. Look – yum eh?

At about 4.30 in the morning, the sun started to rise – it was amazing. All night we were lucky with the weather. It was warm enough. No rain! With sunrise it got very cold, but still not unbearable – and the Thames was incredible!  We gave the third break stop a miss [please – no more revolting ghost chips!] and took a break on the bridge – brilliant [no corn chips was a bonus]. The skyline is wonderful.

At this point we were a tad delirious…check out the Shard! To the right of Helen, who rather resembles a delirious 'X'

Cycling round London is fabulous – you see so much that is impossible to see from a car, and cover lots more ground than you would on foot. The idea of this cycle is great, but the organisation en route needs some tweaking. If I hadn't been with my friends I don't think I'd have made it round – the last bit being the worst as it was a massive hill back to Alley Pally. Here I am with Maz egging me on, I cannot believe I am laughing! I couldn't see where I was going, as the sweat was pouring into my eyes. I didn't dare raise a hand to wipe it away, in case I just stopped and fell over! But we made it – no walking, we cycled the lot. All 76 miles!

One highlight was my lovely friends Jack and Bill came to see me in at the finish line!! I was so touched – hope you had a fab birthday Bill, and that the 75 baked potatoes were all ok. Thank you both for being there. It meant a lot!!

In conclusion – it was brilliant to do this ride, and we're all very pleased we did it. We enjoyed most of it - but none of us want to do it again. At the end, when one should go and grab a bacon bap and celebrate, there was a 90 person queue and they actually ran out of food. Same single chuck wagon. Silly. To say the least. Back to the Plastic sandwiches, which, by now, were decidedly sweaty…ugh. BIN!! So we were starving. The medics had gone home by 9.30 too. Not the best form, as there were still a lot of people coming in an hour later.

Charlotte, Lorraine, Julia and I then had to cycle back to the B&B! We were cold, tired, starving and grimy. But amazingly, we were still cheerful! Another 4km…thank goodness for Charlotte, or we'd probably still be at the finish line. Thanks Char!! And thanks London for having us and not killing us.

Off for my CT scan tomorrow - another early start. I think I need a week of sleep to recover. No such luck, as the appointment is at  9.15. No eating. Then contrast fluid which tastes disgusting, then a wait, the the scan. Oh joy – but I'm glad to be having it, as the little niggles are becoming bigger. THEN the wait for results…ugh. That's the bit that sucks.

But I am thinking on the positive side – after all, I did manage to cycle 76 miles this weekend. And I am cycling another 100km for Force on the 24th. I feel ok, so let's hope it's a trip to the osteo that's needed and nothing else eh?

Thanks for the photos Helen and thanks for the support girls! Roll on the Shakespeare Ride!

thank heavens for the NHS

Recently I have been useless at blogging. Confidence in what I am saying and why = zero. This seems to be a common thread across my life right now. And I am determined to resolve it. Joining the jolly old BNI being one way of regaining some confidence. At least in the work area. And to be honest, BNI is really helping. I didn't think it would – but seems I am wrong about quite a few things lately!

Strange that it took very little to make me think this blog was worthless and that I shouldn't bother. Even stranger; initially I wrote the blog, not for me, [oops – that's a lie – I did write it for me. Self therapy – and oh yes, it works!] but more so for women like me who were looking for something on the internet that didn't tell them they should immediately  'Get God' [no insult implied – merely a term intended for the rather deranged out there who think if you Get God instantly, you will be cured. Er – no.] or that they were immediately, if not sooner, going to DIE. I forgot my place. I forgot that it doesn't matter WHAT people think of me, actually.

IF THIS BLOG SAVES ONE WOMAN'S LIFE I shall be reprieved [oh and doesn't THAT sound trite? But it's true]. If it helps ONE woman deal with her diagnosis in a more informed manner, I shall be grateful.

Well, I have now recalled my place in the scheme of things. This blog is for me, as a therapeutic exercise, and for all the women who have been diagnosed with ovarian cancer and are frightened. It is so frightening.

I am still frightened. I am waiting for a CT scan – frightening.

It's here simply so that those women can read it and sigh with relief. IF they want to.  No, you do NOT have to become a Born Again Christian [although, if that helps, why not?]. No, you do not have to read this blog. No, you do not have to take the stats into account. Why bother?

And no, you are not necessarily going to be dead in 4 years [hello statistic people – we say STICK it, you Doomsayers!] and no, losing your hair isn't the end of the world, even though it really DOES feel like it is when it happens.

The last few weeks have made me think again. Four women, and two women's sons [imagine that!] have been in touch. Through this blog. Saying that the blog has helped them [all new diagnoses – IS that the plural of diagnosis?] and that it has been useful. So. Yay. Maybe I will be a little more proactive blog-wise again. We will see.

The main reason I am posting this evening is because I have NEVER been more grateful for the NHS than when someone shows me a blog like this; Jen Thompson's blog. She has ovarian cancer. Have a read – the photos are fab! Maybe give a donation to help her survive. Can you imagine that? Having to ask people to donate money or meals so that you can live? Is this civilised? No. No it's not.

This is Jen. Voted Woman of the Year by the Source Weekly, an edgy weekly magazine in her area. 'Highlighting some important issues and bringing the ovarian ick, to the surface.' Ick? Yeah.

I really do thank God for the NHS. I would probably become one of those crazy people that plan assassinations if there were ever a time we would lose it. I didn't have a single worry about my treatment. It was all on the NHS. Yes, I have paid my stamp – but it was never a lot. And what I paid has been reciprocated tenfold. If not more. I have had chemo, surgery, anaesthesia – scans. All paid for. I didn't have to ask people for help fund me to survive. I didn't have to ask people to feed me. My only worries were my immediate self [and when you get cancer – boy oh boy, that is all you think about!!]

So please, if you can, donate either a meal, or a little money to this young woman. She so desperately needs help. If we don't help, the System she lives under will simply allow her to die. And that's what is so horrific – the inhumane 'allowing'. There are treatments that could save her. IF she had the money. So let's help her get the bloody money!! And bloody it is.

Confucius says - “By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest."

So much has been experienced by me; and hardly any of it has anything to do with cancer. But the cancer. Bitter? Isn't it? No. Bitterness eats us. But it IS infuriating. And Sad. So we have sadness…guilt. And rage.

And we have happiness, peace and love. Personally I prefer the latter :)

So now just to await the scan. And it's results.

a peculiar week

I am having a rather exhausting time right now - I joined Business Networking International [henceforth known as BNI] a few months back in order to hopefully create a network for myself. Networking seems the only way to get work, so I am there! We've started a new chapter, so it's been rather frazzling as we had a Launch Day; sending out 40 letters inviting guests, following up with 40 phone calls [I do so hate phone calls] and then on Launch Day [ta dah!] talking to a billion people at 7.00 in the morning after arriving at 6.00!
Ugh. That is so uncivilised. One should only have to talk to people after 10.00. The End.
Anyway, the Launch was amazingly successful - I was impressed, as I didn't really think it would work. But it does. Loads of peeps came, and quite a few are going to join [this is because we are such a nice chapter ;) ]. So. Bring on BNI. Lets hope that this time next year I am no longer having to clean chalets to make ends meet [not that I mind cleaning, but the hourly rate seriously sucks]. And through the chapter | have had a few very nice bits of work. Yay BNI!

On another note, since Wednesday I have been feeling completely hideous. Sick, low back ache, stabbing stomach pain, head ache - blah...you name it. I hate this. Seriously. All the things I have mean nothing. And all the things I have are symptoms of a recurrence. Scary thought there. And of course, the Scary Thought wins the battle every time.
I may bring my appointment forward. We will see. It always smacks of cowardice [to me] to do this, but I am struggling to concentrate, as all I think about is cancer. So maybe better to go sooner. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and wait? Sigh. Who knows eh?
Fucking cancer. Hate the way it invades my brain, my life, my work...grr! 

training?

well, we've started at last! just did a 32 mile round trip to Budleigh - the same training ride as I did for the Kenya cycle. We did this a few weeks back but then went into hibernate mode. Bloody British weather – grr. Rain rain, sleet, wind…I ask you.

The London Nightrider is only 100km but it starts at 12.35 on the 9/10 June 2012 [after midnight] with a big fat hill, and ends who knows when? But with yet another big fat hill to climb at the very end. Oh joy. But we will have brekkie at Westminster no matter what though! Keep your fingers crossed that it doesn't rain.

IN THE MEANTIME…MORE CYCLING!

Plus more WORRYING. Check up coming up soon. Why does it never get easier – why don't I get used to it? I suppose because every single time, it could mean the beginning of the end? Feeling like I have lots of 'symptoms' too  - low back pain all the time, odd attacks of nausea….total exhaustion some days. Hey ho – we will see what we will see eh? In the meantime, cycle cycle cycle!

confused

I am a little bit confused. On one hand, I am so proud of myself for doing the Kenya Cycle – I don't really 'get' the other girls post Kenya depression thing – I am still totally wired that I actually did such a thing! I was back in my heart – my Africa!  Can't believe it actually…I would NEVER have thought I could do something like that. On the other hand, I was completely down waiting for a few horrible dates to go by. One, the day Dad died. Two, my Dad's birthday. Three, my check up. Oh, and then of course I am supposed to enjoy Christmas!! Riiight…like THAT is ever going to happen. I honestly don't think I will ever look forward to Christmas again. Every year, something horrible happens in December.

Christmas? No thank you. We are working Christmas day.

The confusion here is feeling great about an achievement I never expected to achieve – and feeling completely wrecked about things in my life that I can't control. WHY can't things just be enjoyable? WHY is there always, always something horrible to overshadow something joyful? It sucks.

BUT – I had fabulous news. You will recall me mentioning my Aunt had cancer – well, NO MORE! She is completely in remission! Best Christmas present ever.

And I, in the meantime, was wondering [as always] if I am still in remission or not. That's the thing you see – we walk the days wondering. We wait for results. We hope for the best [oh yes we are SO British!] we ask little – merely no cancer please. Please. 

A few of my friends have recurred..it sounds so simple doesn't it? Oh you have a recurrence? 'So sorry'…but the word recurrence for an ovarian cancer survivor is like waving a noose. It's like a death sentence. In most cases. We do NOT have a place where we can't worry.
I do try not to worry. But it's impossible actually.

So today's check up was rather fraught [two weeks in advance fraughtness]. But the result was brilliant. I am STILL in remission!! CA 125 was 10 [raised again but hey ho] and the physical was also ok. YAY! This was all achieved whilst a raging fire alarm was going off, the hospital has gone mad – new extension, so builders and bollards everywhere, NO parking and total chaos…NOT helpful.

But, fab result notwithstanding, my cat is lost :(
Here's Bear. She has very distinctive eyes.

She disappeared before the storm we had…2 days ago now. I am beside myself with worry and have asked everyone I know for help. Local radio stations, neighbours, etc. and they've all been brilliant. But still no sign.
If you see her, please bring her to the nearest vet – she is chipped, so they will call me. Thank you!

inclines

Ok good I've had a haircut so I look MUCH better. Not so much like a Weetabix. I have no idea what happens to my hair – the sun gets on it, viola, I am blonde. ER – yuck! So off I went [eventually] and had the lot chopped off.

And I feel better too – I am quite seriously considering a grade 2 for Kenya. I am beginning to wonder if hair is over rated.

And I have been cycling here and there [sometimes with my helmet on!] – this Sunday we did a hill near us that last year I would have been crying at the mere thought of it. Yay. Made it to the top no problem. Hills. Horrible. Only good thing about them is IF one eventually gets to the top, there's a downhill!

One person whom I always think about when I am really struggling is Sam. She cycles. But she also rock climbs – see her here. Amazing. She's an ovarian cancer survivor. In the true sense of the word. She is a Vice President of HERA, she is constantly challenging herself – and she has a great sense of humour. She does inspire me.

And the check-up went well – my CA 125 is at 9 again. A rise, but well within the norms of 0>35, so I am chuffed to bits. I kept thinking something would stop me from doing this Cycle Kenya. All the worries with my stomach. But the onc did a good check and she says everything seems good to go. What a relief!!
Now to get through the insurance palaver…grr.

What amazes me is how far I've come. This is during chemo, 2008 – note horrible wig and steroidy face. And I was always so cold.

This is in 2011, just about to do 57 miles for Force  – who'd have thought? Not me, that's for sure. I still have fat knees mind you...and now I am always hot! What a life eh? ;) In August we are doing the Great Shakespeare Ride – 100km.
Let's hope I can do the hills!

Hypochondria?

As the check up looms I become more emotional. And a bit scared. Quite scared actually. Completely insomniac. It's normal – but it doesn't make it easier. All us cancery types are the same – check up time is murderous. We turn into monsters and we can't help it. But happily the people who love us understand. It's simply nerves. But nerves can cause untold dramas.

I am worried because I have a 'symptom'. Grr. Symptoms suck. I have a bloated tummy and it's doing my head in. To say the least. But I wonder if it's hypochondria? Or just plain terror of a bad result – I had my bloods done this week. That was fun. Not. I kept thinking I should have done this, or I should have done that…when, in reality, nothing I do will make any difference. Either the cancer will take hold again or it won't.

I damn well hope it can't! I need to cycle 400 km across Kenya on October! I keep thinking something is going to happen to stop me doing that – and I would be FURIOUS if it did.

So. Cross your fingers or say your prayers for me. I need every  help I can get…

check up. and more cycling!

Getting off the Exe ferry with the bike – a bit heavy for stairs!
Pfft! Would so love to NOT have to have check ups – but I am sure I'd have a mental breakdown without them. Even the change from 3 monthly to 6 monthly almost gave me a heart attack…but I've got used to it now.

This next check up will be serious, as I feel like I need full MOT before I go to Kenya. For my mental health more than anything. Plus I am hoping everything is still ok and the CA 125 is LOW. Lots of problems with my tummy recently haven't helped my mind set, but I will see what they say. Hopefully it will be on the lines of: 'don't be stupid'.

Obviously I had to get a waiver for the travel insurance – another one of those hideous phone calls where I was talking to a person who is not trained deal with cancery types – plus they quite patently find the entire discussion repugnant. Well – ME TOO!! I so hate insurance companies. But I am stronger now, and can cope with it without bursting into tears afterward.
But you would think that an insurance company specifically chosen for this kind of event would have people who were a little more simpatico – trained or informed even?? Pfft! Well, that would be a NO. grr. Anyway.

I have been madly stuffing my brain with work and cycling in order to avoid having a brain full of cancery stuff. The cycle training is fabulous for this – you really cannot think about anything else but getting your butt UP THAT HILL when you're cycling. Last weekend we did a 50 mile [turned out to be 57 miles!] for Force. The FH and I were on our  mountain bikes – the road bike peeps kept asking us if we were mad [as they passed us at speed]…because our bikes weigh a ton compared to theirs, making it that much more difficult. But we did it in 5 and a half hours! brilliant – and the inclines were a pig, so we're well chuffed.

This weekend we did the Exe loop – turned out to be about 20 miles, and the track is amazing! Apart from one small glitch at Starcross, where the cycle path ends in a curb, as averse to a ramp…er – hello CRASH! My front wheel hugged the curb, I braked and flew over the handlebars. Even my best attempt at a commando roll didn't help – THREE grazes on my knee [how does that happen? surely one would have been sufficient?] a smashed back of the hand, plus an interesting shoulder wound. Thank goodness for gloves, or my palms would have resembled mince meat. I now need new gloves. Oh and a new knee might be nice ;)

So, here we have: insane blonde hair [what is that all about??], a grazed shoulder, knee and hand and a pained face!

The route is great – it hugs the estuary all the way to Exmouth.

We did home to Exmouth; in Exmouth we went to our favourite pub, the Grove [this is where we went after I was diagnosed – I always remember ringing my Mum and brother from there – it's my good luck pub! Views over the estuary are wonderful] then took the ferry across to Starcross because I love going on ferries ;) It costs £5.00 each plus £1.00 for each bike. But it was fun. And today was so hot! Amazing weather. I really need to get my lazy butt to the hairdressers too – my hair has gone blonde? Madness. Then Starcross to home.

From Starcross we made our [wounded and stinging!] way to the Turf Locks, where all they are allowed to give bleeding people is a 'non alcoholic wet wipe'. For which I was extremely grateful…but really! What happened to germolene or spray iodine? Health & safety patently put paid to sense. I put loads of ice on the bleeding bits and then had a lovely glass of medicinal [heh heh]  wine in the sun.

We then trundled the last 5 miles home against the wind [as usual!]from there and had a fab bbq in the garden, which was like Morocco – HOT!! What a lovely day! Look – lots of Hollyhocks on the path.

more cycling!

I must say, I can't BELIEVE I am doing this. When I first signed up for the cycle it was as if I was destined to do it – Action for Charity 'persuaded' me, so did the FH. And I was ok with it, as it seemed light years away. Now, it's 123 days, 21 hours, 42 minutes and 3 seconds away! [yep – we all have the iPhone app!]. NOW it's becoming real. The fund raising has been exhausting but fun. The cycle training is exhausting but not that much fun! Well, it's fun, but AFTER the event.

This weekend the FH and I did a 57 mile cycle for the Force Cancer Charity. They are close to our hearts, as they were there for both of us during my treatment. We took advantage of their various programs, the best one for me being the Look Good Feel better day – loved it [even though I really had to force myself to go].

The day started out with drizzle – and we all looked completely…well...not normal! Lycra cycle shorts and hat [!] are not the most flattering attire ;)

We waited for the 100 milers to set off at 8.00, so we had brekkie in the meantime – Force supplied a fabulous kedgeree and porridge. All for free.  I had kedgeree – the FH had porridge? Ugh. Then at 8.30 we got going. First thing that happened was a fellow fell off his bike at the start line! Poor chap – cringe!

Then we were off – there's something quite amazing about cycling with lots of other people. It gives you confidence and there's an amazing camaraderie. We were four deep on the dual carriageway – makes car drivers think twice about driving into one.
We of course were on our mountain bikes [Kenya I am using a mountain bike, so we're using them for training] – oh woe! The road bike peeps were going past us and commenting about how insane we were. We just didn't realise – the course is for road bikes. It's very hilly – road bikes are so light and have such thin tyres. Whereas our mountain bikes have knobbly tyres and weigh a ton! Well, we made it – we did the 57 miles in about 5 hours. Pretty good time, but ohmygod it was torture!! It seemed like the entire course was a big hill! My chain fell off twice as I tried to change gear too fast in the face of sharp inclines.

I was bitching so much on the very longest hill [Long Drag Hill to Nomansland] that the FH actually reminded me of when I was struggling to walk up the hills of Porto. Unlike him to drag up past memories of chemo – but it did make me think. I could never have achieved this then. I really would have fallen over into a shrub! Probably vomiting…and I did make it up all the beastly hills! Here I am, second in the pic. gritting my teeth and gears 1:1.

We eventually got back to Topsham, [with a lot of swearing and groaning on my part!] to receive a medal and re-register to let everyone know we'd arrived. Shot off to the bar and got a glass of wine each to celebrate – we couldn't believe we'd done it! 57 miles!! On mountain bikes! Bloody amazing – well impressed with ourselves!

Lay on the grass in the sun – listened to lovely live music and drank our plastic glass of wine. Too brilliant!

We eventually went home, after listening for a while to the live band and watching people [good fun]. The sun was out, so we collapsed on the patio on a big throw. What an exhausting day – we were in bed by 9.30 – but so worthwhile. This year I couldn't ask for sponsorship for the ride – I've already asked all my friends and family for money for the Women v Cancer cycle. But next year we will be asking sponsorship for this ride – and we will have road bikes! This year we simply paid the £25 registration.
Here I am getting cake! The Force ladies made a ton of it, plus sarnies…made me remember when I was in chemo. The Force ladies would come round with sandwiches for us.  They are such sweeties.

Here's the ride map.

So – at least I now know I will be able to do the hills in Kenya. There we will be using mountain bikes – no frills, and normal gears. That's how I will train.

In the meantime, finding the expenses is a slight nightmare – airport taxes: £280 – visa: £30 – inoculations: £?? – malaria tablets etc etc…uff! But I WILL do this.

And of course, just to add to the drama, my check up is coming soon.

ugh.

still raising funds!

What a busy year this is – the time is just flying away…it's like water slipping through my hands. So many things happening all the time and I can't keep up. So many people I am neglecting…but luckily for me, I know they understand.

Friday just gone Vicky and I did a fund raiser in Stoke at the Baddeley Green Working Men's Club again – we raised £1225.00 before expenses. Vicky and I came away with £450 each to add to our Cycle Kenya funds – brilliant! I still have a load of money to put into my justgiving page, but haven't had time. I barely have time to sleep!

Saturday, I met up with some friends – one old friend I have known since my diagnosis yet never actually met, Emily. Two other friends I have met since then through Ovacome, and they have joined the jolly cancery group on Facebook. We had a lovely lunch and a massive chat – what a great afternoon. As usual, I was shattered…we took 4 1/2 hours to get to Stoke, did the event, collapsed into bed and then Saturday lots going on then the drive home [which was excellent – only 3 hours!].

And here's another friend I met up with in Stoke :) Annie couldn't make the lunch, but she made the event! Thanks sweetie!

In July, I am doing the LAST but not least fundraiser for the cycle Kenya fund – still trying to organise the date, but it will be fab if it comes off, as we have a free event photographer, a gorgeous Burlesque dancer, two bands [so far] and a BBC Devon newsreader to compère the event. Yay! Just some confusion over the date at the moment, but as soon as that is resolved, I will post the event here.

I started training for the Kenya cycle today [better late than never eh?] – 10 mile round trip in horrible wind. I seriously hate wind – I suffered from earache as a child, and wind always makes my ears try to kill me. And I am struggling with my hands being so painful since chemo and with the adhesions. But I WILL do this. I will. Although today I rather thought I wouldn't…I really hate wind…all I kept thinking was there will not be freezing wind in Kenya! Didn't stop me thinking I wouldn't be able to do it though..but I will. I have to!!

This was after a shopping trip [or three] to buy the necessities for the training weekend in the Cotswolds the week after next – shorts, helmet, waterproof jacket etc. I'll need all those things in Kenya, so hey ho – but being involved in a charity event is expensive! But worth it. In the meantime, the check up looms…but so does another week in Spain! yay!

I refuse to entertain any other result of my check-up than a good one. Most of the time.