Recently I have been useless at blogging. Confidence in what I am saying and why = zero. This seems to be a common thread across my life right now. And I am determined to resolve it. Joining the jolly old BNI being one way of regaining some confidence. At least in the work area. And to be honest, BNI is really helping. I didn't think it would – but seems I am wrong about quite a few things lately!
Strange that it took very little to make me think this blog was worthless and that I shouldn't bother. Even stranger; initially I wrote the blog, not for me, [oops – that's a lie – I did write it for me. Self therapy – and oh yes, it works!] but more so for women like me who were looking for something on the internet that didn't tell them they should immediately 'Get God' [no insult implied – merely a term intended for the rather deranged out there who think if you Get God instantly, you will be cured. Er – no.] or that they were immediately, if not sooner, going to DIE. I forgot my place. I forgot that it doesn't matter WHAT people think of me, actually.
IF THIS BLOG SAVES ONE WOMAN'S LIFE I shall be reprieved [oh and doesn't THAT sound trite? But it's true]. If it helps ONE woman deal with her diagnosis in a more informed manner, I shall be grateful.
Well, I have now recalled my place in the scheme of things. This blog is for me, as a therapeutic exercise, and for all the women who have been diagnosed with ovarian cancer and are frightened. It is so frightening.
I am still frightened. I am waiting for a CT scan – frightening.
It's here simply so that those women can read it and sigh with relief. IF they want to. No, you do NOT have to become a Born Again Christian [although, if that helps, why not?]. No, you do not have to read this blog. No, you do not have to take the stats into account. Why bother?
And no, you are not necessarily going to be dead in 4 years [hello statistic people – we say STICK it, you Doomsayers!] and no, losing your hair isn't the end of the world, even though it really DOES feel like it is when it happens.
The last few weeks have made me think again. Four women, and two women's sons [imagine that!] have been in touch. Through this blog. Saying that the blog has helped them [all new diagnoses – IS that the plural of diagnosis?] and that it has been useful. So. Yay. Maybe I will be a little more proactive blog-wise again. We will see.
The main reason I am posting this evening is because I have NEVER been more grateful for the NHS than when someone shows me a blog like this; Jen Thompson's blog. She has ovarian cancer. Have a read – the photos are fab! Maybe give a donation to help her survive. Can you imagine that? Having to ask people to donate money or meals so that you can live? Is this civilised? No. No it's not.
This is Jen. Voted Woman of the Year by the Source Weekly, an edgy weekly magazine in her area. 'Highlighting some important issues and bringing the ovarian ick, to the surface.' Ick? Yeah.
I really do thank God for the NHS. I would probably become one of those crazy people that plan assassinations if there were ever a time we would lose it. I didn't have a single worry about my treatment. It was all on the NHS. Yes, I have paid my stamp – but it was never a lot. And what I paid has been reciprocated tenfold. If not more. I have had chemo, surgery, anaesthesia – scans. All paid for. I didn't have to ask people for help fund me to survive. I didn't have to ask people to feed me. My only worries were my immediate self [and when you get cancer – boy oh boy, that is all you think about!!]
So please, if you can, donate either a meal, or a little money to this young woman. She so desperately needs help. If we don't help, the System she lives under will simply allow her to die. And that's what is so horrific – the inhumane 'allowing'. There are treatments that could save her. IF she had the money. So let's help her get the bloody money!! And bloody it is.
Confucius says - “By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest."
So much has been experienced by me; and hardly any of it has anything to do with cancer. But the cancer. Bitter? Isn't it? No. Bitterness eats us. But it IS infuriating. And Sad. So we have sadness…guilt. And rage.
And we have happiness, peace and love. Personally I prefer the latter :)
So now just to await the scan. And it's results.