Showing posts with label getting back to normal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label getting back to normal. Show all posts

Friday, 20 December 2013

Happy Christmas? Oh yes…

christmas-menu I really don't like Christmas. It sort of sucks. Everyone being all 'happy' for no good reason. I lost both my lovely Dad and my sweet father-in-law round Christmas. I was diagnosed with cancer just after Christmas. I had a massive scan-scare last Christmas. So - actually Christmas for me? It's crap. I get sideswiped by sadness.

I will be sitting around doing something, then BOOM I am almost in tears. Or totally in tears. Just memories; thoughts of things shared in the past…just missing people. Missing the missing people.

Mostly my Dad - he liked a Real Ale at Christmas. He liked Stilton like I do, and the dark meat on the turkey like I do - and dark rum & raisin chocolate. And so on…tut, I am so like my father, so I am constantly reminded of him. Which is mostly a happy thing, but some days - a very sad thing.

dad

But this year has been interesting and amazing. I did the 400km cycle across Cuba [brilliant - but torturous!] - I have now raised over K12.5 for research - I am very proud of this! Plus I have a cupboard full of cycle medals - of which I am also proud.  I never EVER thought I would get a medal for anything!

And - we have a new little grand son…I honestly didn't think I'd live to see this Christmas. To actually be here to meet Joseph? It's incredible. Here he is with the very first Christmas gift of his life…and it made me cry to actually buy it - because I was so happy to still be here to do this.

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This year has been a catharsis for me. And this post is to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who has helped me get to this point. A point where I can actually now start to plan for the future [fingers crossed]. I know - it sounds insane. But until now I have been thinking 'wtf - I'll probably die before I finish [insert anything here]' - but it seems my mind has caught up with my healing body. Now I have plans!!

The garden needs an overhaul. The house does too - everything became frozen in time when I was diagnosed with cancer. Not so any more. It has taken over 5 years, but I am finally getting with the program. But even so, I still touch wood for every little thing. Expecting something to go wrong.

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So ~ thank you to everyone who has helped me. Thank you for the little things; my Mum donating to Kate instead of me, when we didn't think Kate would make the minimum amount for Cuba. Medhat, for donating his restaurant for an event that raised over £1000 even though it was FREEZING cold. Peachy Farmer for playing at that same event - they were absolutely amazing! Claremont Marquees for giving me a marquee…Liz for hosting a brunch that raised a fortune; Lindsey for raffling one of her paintings...on and on...I could fill the entire internet with a list of people who have been so kind. But I won't. You all know who you are. And you all know how grateful I am. And you all know you have my heart in your hands.

KBO then. As they say! Until the Ride the Night eh? ;)


Anns Armyt RTN 2014

Friday, 2 September 2011

cycle Kenya is a definite!

fashion_card Well, it seems my brain may have fixed itself – I'm feeling almost normal again. Yay. I think. We'll see. I have my friend constantly on my mind, so it's hard. BUT I know she'd kill me if she thought I was like this due to her. And it's not just her. It's a lot of random things too. Hey ho - onward and upward. Right? Right.

Today was exciting – the letters came out from Action for Charity, to let us know we are definitely confirmed on the cycle! WOOP!! Lots of girls posting on Facebook to say they have their letters, so lots of glee! Quite chuckalicious.

The Oldest Step Daughter [hence known as The OSD for brevity – I can't keep typing all that!], Vick, text me to say she had rung up Action for Charity and is confirmed on the ride – I text back to say I was not yet, and two minutes later, the [beastly and LATE!] postman arrived with the letter to tell me I am too! Surreal! So now all I have to do is find £294.03 for the air taxes…heavens above! It's a lot!! Plus, Kenya insists on a £30.00 CASH payment [surprise, surprise!] for the visa to enter.

But there you go, got to be paid, and the result, lots of awareness [we hope] and lots of funds for research gained. Now just to train to get through the cycle that supports women everywhere who are either in treatment, just out of it or living with the delightful aftermath of having had one of these hideous cancers.

We live with the constant fear of recurrence…it's not nice. We are in remission, but the fear is always still there in the back of the mind. A repulsive rat, gnawing away at ones confidence and every day life. So any support is good, and this cycle is women supporting women.

wild dogs Women supporting women who SO desperately need that support. Ovarian cancer, cervical, breast cancer -  whatever! All these cancers attack women like Wild Dogs on a young animal – with no mercy, and a lot of gruesome bloodshed. Fighting it off is one thing – keeping it at bay – quite another. The strength of mind one needs to cope is quite astounding – I am not sure that I have it. I hope I do, as I need it. This is a trip one travels alone, no matter how many amazing people [and I have a lot of them!] are there beside the road – it's still a journey of solitude in many respects.

After all, it's we who could die of it, no-one else.

If you are at all concerned about any of these women's cancers, please donate here – the smallest donation helps. Thank you!

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

really good news

These last few weeks have been great. Random thought here; after a call from my Mum, I was thinking about my Dad more than usual, as of course she mentioned him – he is [as always with all my family] never far from my mind. This  quote is so apt for how I feel about him. I am sure he is still looking out for us. For me.

"a word I want to see written on my grave: I am alive like you, and I am standing beside you. Close your eyes and look around, you will see me in front of you ..."

Kahlil Gibran

Sometimes I can close my eyes and imagine him there – just having a smoke with me outside. I miss that. We used to ‘shoot the sh*t’ as the Americans say. Waffle, as we say here in the UK. Or  [and this is odd, as we didn’t do it often] ordering a drink at the bar? The mind is a convoluted thing.

And yes, I know – I haven’t posted for an age. That would be because I have been so busy that it’s doing my head in! So stop complaining. My life is a never ending chaos. But let me stop there and do a sort of précis. Which will be weird.

In December 2009 I was given one weeks notice [by email!] that my ten year contract was not going to be renewed. OK. But no time to find a new job in December as everyone was ‘doing Christmas’. Thanks very much for ‘no notice’! Grr. Uncivil. Plus I’d just had a scan in December showing ‘something’ [which we ALL assumed was a recurrence] blah. Stress. Until the end of Feb. Once the results were in, you’d think I’d have been ok right? WRONG! I was devastated. I felt so betrayed. By everything – and quite a few people too. It took me until March to even bother to pay the bills. Not good – I had a LOT of calls to make! One thousand dramas…didn’t want to leave the house etc etc…

For the rest of 2010 [once I got a grip], we struggled to make ends meet – literally. We cancelled our pensions. We extended our mortgage. Well, the FH did all that, as I was useless. I got to work doing gardening, cleaning, painting and decorating – with the odd bit of graphic work thrown in. Anything at all. Just work – find it, do it, get paid. Lots of this was down to dear friends Judi and Julie.

So last year was filled with running from one place to another – feeling like screaming at times. Most days really.

But I was applying for jobs every morning before zooming off to whatever job I had that day, and networking as much as possible – and trying like hell to avoid having to apply for benefit. Eventually, we got to a place where had to – but before I managed to fill in the forms, we had a piece of amazing luck. The FH’s accountant put me in touch with a marketing company – they looked at my portfolio and here’s the serious précis bit – they have now decided to employ me as one of their freelancers!! I am a graphic designer again! woop! I did my last day at the Salt Mines this morning! I will still go there for work if they need me, as it’s an excellent fitness routine, but the delightful thing IS, that I won’t HAVE to go there. Deep joy!

So that's why the last few weeks have been so great [and so chaotic] – non-stop work from morning until late at night [poor FH – we cross like ships in the night at the moment!], while I’ve still been doing cleaning etc. Things should even out now, as I am doing just the bar and waitressing at the Quay plus the graphic design work – Bring It On!! Lets hope this year is a GOOD year!

Here are the Wild Things just this week:

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Poor little sausages are off to the vet to be chipped and spayed on Friday - £150.00!! Thank goodness I have work now….crazy how things work out isn’t it??

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

more cats

DSC_0006 DSC_0004 now that they've been here two days, life is settling into a sort of rhythm again. New kittens [these are 11 weeks] are at first scared, then curious, then usually have an upset tummy from the move and different food etc. Ugh. I decided to try boiled chicken on my two - FAIL! Last night, after gobbling it down as if their lives depended on finishing it within 3 seconds, we had Throwing Up All Over The Place evening…poor little things.

So, no more chicken for a while! Both are recovered this morning - racing around like crazy things. They have taken to sleeping on my desk - draped around the Wacom pad. Nice company :)

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In the meantime, my tummy is now back to normal [phew] - yesterday I only had to clean one chalet, which is no big deal. Less strain on the old belly muscles and less exhausting in general. Today - major gardening and on Friday [this is hilarious] I will be painting. As in 'Painting and Decorating'…good grief.

Which means I'm a lot less grumpy. Nothing like a bloated, painful stomach to send one into the doldrums. Ridiculous, but true. Pulled muscles? More likely heh heh

Now to try figure out if these kittens are boys or girls…no names until I do!

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

it's only Tuesday…

Busy week this week - today I was chalet bashing - tomorrow I am on Dr Debt's manual with a vengeance; and doing the Feelgoodecobeds postcard addressing…aaargh, using Excel and Word to make a mail merge…painful. To say the least.

Wednesday and Thursday I am gardening - dependant on the weather of course. The Ide garden appears to have a lot of bagged topsoil that needs moving, plus loads of Winter Pansies to be potted up.

Winter Pansies

http://bit.ly/cold_climate_gardening

The other garden needs everything doing still! Hello frozen fingers…and Fagin gloves!

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Credit: Chris McNamara

Chalet Bashing Friday morning, then waiting tables in the afternoon - I love doing that. It's fun - you meet the sweetest people. They are 'out for dinner'. They want to have a good time - the majority of them do. And if the people you are waiting on are enjoying themselves, well, so do you. No brainer. Saturday, chalet bashing again - then WEEKEND!! Woohoo! Probably I shall sleep until 10.00 on Sunday - that might get rid of the beastly cold which is hanging about still. Grr. Snot city here…ugh. Plus revolting coughing. I'm a delight, really…

And quite some fun this week blogging on Ovacome, and Facebook phoned me to see if I'd like to be a candidate for some TV thing called Daybreak. All about the 'Facebook for Good' thing. Well, yes, why not? Actually all the girls want to go on Oprah, but Daybreak could be ok? heh heh. And the Sky TV thing, Real Lives was repeated today [and I forgot about it until too late to tell anyone - I am useless]. Lots of opportunities for getting ovarian cancer awareness out there - Bring It On!!

Plus it appears that my cool friend in Oz has posted me £40.00 AUD for the Women v Cancer fund!! Woop! Now THAT'S cool! Will just wait to receive it, then add it to the justgiving page total.

A good week so far! Still have insomnia, but what the hell - you can't have everything right?

Friday, 20 August 2010

an erratic life….

my blogging is extremely erratic lately - but then, so is my life. I am doing so many different jobs i sometimes don't know what day it is. And that's fine - at least I am working and earning something - even though it's not a lot, it's better than a poke in the eye with a plastic daffodil! Plus spinning and fund raising  - uff. Although the fundraising is going well! I am 58% of my target!! Please tell all your friends about it - if they could donate just the minimum I will be thrilled. Thanks - see here for my donation page: http://www.justgiving.com/sandhy-cycles-kenya

This week I have been out to my 'bijou' garden in Ide - pressure washing the brick pavers. Wow - talk about arm ache afterwards? 5 hours and I only got half of it done. But it looks fab! I know that once I have topsoil in there, and I've planted it up, it will be a delight.  It's a 'hot' garden, so I am planning on putting in lots of drought resistant plants like Mollis, pelargonium and Geranium. It needs to be a relatively 'stress free' garden too, as the property is rented. Here's a sort of 'before and after' pic. Lichen is hard to remove! Makes the bricks white.

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I also went out with my partner in crime, Julie, to another garden in Exwick. NIGHTMARE!! The first thing we had to do was dig out a gigantic Flax…wow does Flax stink!! But the rest of the job was ok - clearing and weeding. Simples! Here's the triffid Flax…in it's death throes…

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Apart from that I am still 'chalet bashing' and [brilliantly], I have  a few design jobs in the works - one of them being DR Debt. He needs a manual - yay. Another being Feelgoodecobeds, postcards and once they're printed, distribution - and then Fingle Glen want a bit more work too. Yay - little bits make a whole…a few paying jobs are fantastic. I am also doing a lot of voluntary work - this weeks is the Cystic Fibrosis fund…poster for the event on the Bank Holiday weekend.

Aargh - in the middle of this I got the 'jumping leg' syndrome. Had to run outside and stamp up and down the patio. What's that all about?? I haven't had that for ages?? Grr.

And a wonderful piece of news this week - my friend Jo, has had what appears to be a reprieve. Bring it ON!! So far, she's nervous - me, I am delighted. An inoperable tumour becomes operable? Amazing. And fantastic. Woop!!

Friday, 13 August 2010

friday 13th

The last few weeks have been nonstop pressure. Work, fund raising, work - the same as everyone else I think. Except normal people don't run around fundraising like crazy types [usually] in between jobs.

I seem to be like a spinning top right now. I am completely lacking in coherence. So many different jobs mean having a lot of different 'heads' on [and that's the problem -  leads to chaos heh heh]…chalet bashing [job 1] is simply racing from one chalet to the next at top speed. Strip the beds [3 per chalet; one double, two singles] boom boom; clean 2 bathrooms [WHO invented the toilet?? kill 'em], 2 beds, lounge, kitchen diner, bam…pack up the laundry and haul it out to the golf cart [groan!], collect clean laundry, make up the beds…race to the next chalet. And so on and so forth x 4, 5 or 6 chalets per shift. The laundry bags weigh a ton, especially if all the towels are wet [aaargh!]. The Horrible Henry Hoover is like a Thing of Satan - I SERIOULSY hate that Hoover…grr. It can't turn corners and it's always smashing my feet to smithereens…beastly thing!! Just look at it!! WHO would invent a cleaning machine A: with wheels that can't turn over it's own cable [it falls on it's facetious face], and B: with a smiley face?? Only a man…smiley face…fft…it should have Evil Eyebrows. Anyway…

henry-hoover

Then [job 2] there's the feelgoodecobeds number. That's mainly graphic design, but also happily includes a bit of actual furniture making - well, not making, but finishing. I was having a cool time last week waxing and polishing bedsteads. Not that it's not exhausting - it is, but in a good way. This week I have postcards to get printed and then I need to run them out to shops in the hope that someone will buy a bed or two. I get 15% of any bed sales I generate - woop! Bring it ON! I have noticed peeps going to feelgoodecobeds from my blog even! yay!!

Then there's gardening…[job 3, 4 and 5]. Julie and I do a couple of BIG [and I mean BIG] gardens together. We also have a little gardening job or two that we do independently. This morning both of us were in tears. TOO MANY THINGS! We are both run ragged. No time for the 'normal' stuff - housework, ironing; sunbathing?? We are both racing from pillar to post, just trying to pay bills. Once you've had cancer, you really NEED to try and chill your life out - stress is very bad for us. Ffft - so much for theory eh?

And then there's [job 4] which is a little number doing html emails for Fingle Glen hotel  - at a severely cut back rate [but there's a reason for that - next post!]. Nice work, as it's using my brains. And my experience. And I enjoy it. That's always a plus. Here's one. They loved it - yippee. Self esteem slightly elevated.

academy-email

And today, the umpteenth refusal letter from another job app. Oh well. At least they had the decency to reply eh?

My hands are killing me from stripping beds….but at least I CAN strip them…for now.

Thursday, 8 July 2010

check up time again…

DSC_0130 Check up on the horizon. Bah. And here I am, having a GREAT day just 2 weeks before…why am I worrying??

Trying to be normal. But it  makes me drink too much, smoke too much [giving THAT shit up soon!!], talk too much [well, 'gibber' would probably be the operative word actually - think 'bouncing off the walls'...] - I stand in my garden looking at the flowers and cry for no reason.  My behaviour is erratic. I am out of control a lot of the time. I think about death. A lot.  STILL!! Why?

My husband is an angel when this is going on. This week he brought me flowers for no reason. He understands, and he lets me 'get on with it'. He doesn't judge me or hassle me or question me - he allows for lunacy, and he allows for bad behaviour. Thank goodness for that. Not many people are so forgiving.

I'm not sure how I'd cope without him actually. I have total free reign…I can do whatever I need or want to, for a limited time, and know there is always someone to save me if I push it too far. A safety net. I need that, as I am an addictive personality and a crazy person at the best of times - the FH helps me survive myself.

It's odd - I STILL can't cope. I do cope - but I don't. Pathetic really. But I am not so far from the diagnosis and surgery and chemo that I feel safe yet. I do wonder if I ever will. Feel 'safe' I mean. I hope I will. Eventually. I am sure I will - but when? I still starkly remember being bald. I still remember the shocking pain in my legs from chemo. I recall the night I had to phone the ward because I suddenly developed a burning rash. I recall being frightened quite a lot. And trying so hard to hide that.

I mean, at the end of the day, I'm not a weakling, I'm not new to this. So why do I have a total meltdown at each check up?? I think I know why - because at each check up, there's the chance that MAYBE this time the cancer may have returned. Quite often with ovarian cancer there are no symptoms of recurrence until it's late in the day. That sucks. No matter what you do, it could be there, sneaking about, ravaging your insides - and you'd never know. Fuck. It's so frustrating. And so scary.

BUT - hey ho, we have to KBO eh? Churchill understood the dangers of defeatism and poor morale as a soldier and leader, so he set the example needed to inspire others around him…and he kept “buggering on.” Well, I shall just do that.

Bugger…on.

Friday, 30 April 2010

Guest post: Smoking and Cancer

fags image from: http://www.zunal.com/webquest.php?w=36711

This post is by a friend. I probably agree with everything she says here. But I am having a cigarette as I read this through. Why? Because I think it makes me feel better. Does it really?? Some days, yes. Absolutely. But some days? Not really. This post is certainly food for thought. I give you over to Bj Gallagher. Whatever you do - smoke or not, this post is worth reading.

One thing I will say - BJ; there is no risk of you being 'cut off' by any sensible woman, either side of the Pond. We all need a wake up call occasionally, whether or not we choose to listen is entirely up to us. Thanks for the post! And! Where is all this chatter on Facebook regarding smoking?

And how odd…my lighter refuses to work!!

__________________________________________________________


http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Tobacco/cessation

With the following diatribe I am running the risk of being cut off by a circle of ovarian cancer women on both sides of the Pond. I cannot sit idly by and pretend that I am not reading what in fact I am. Lately, there has been a lot of chatter on Facebook regarding smoking amongst the circle of women discussing their ovarian cancer situations. It has become so prevalent that I am appalled to find that so many of the women are still smoking despite their diagnosis of cancer. On the one hand the ladies discuss their CA125 numbers while in the next breath they are discussing their cigarettes, whether to roll them, what brand of tobacco is better, how many a day, etc. Am I losing my mind?

What is going on here? What are you smoking women thinking?

Lest you think I am being self-righteous, let me say I, too, used to smoke – at least one pack a day for well over 30 years. In fact, I had become a closet smoker. My husband absolutely forbade it and, knowing my complaints would fall on deaf ears, I took to smoking in obscure, out of the way places where his presence would not be an issue. Hence, becoming a closet smoker – for what I deemed was my own sanity. Nothing could have been farther from the truth. Sanity has absolutely nothing to do with smoking. Smoking for me was a pleasure. After all, what’s a good cup of coffee without a cigarette. Or what is a good meal without a follow-up cigarette? To be honest, a good cup of coffee is just that, as is a good meal! They are good. They need no further follow up to make them memorable.

But then came the day in January 2001 when I was pronounced a victim of cancer. I, too, jumped on the bandwagon of CA 125 numbers, doing advocacy work for the cause, involving myself in clinical trials, speaking to groups, – mind you, all for the cause to stamp out ovarian cancer!! Yep, I was doing it all to further ovarian cancer education among the less informed women of society but I continued to smoke. Yes, the first couple of years were halcyon times – my numbers dropped dramatically with each chemo treatment; my hair fell out (so what?!), the steroids packed on the weight (ah, the cigarettes can control that to some extent), but I was doing my part and still enjoying the ciggies every opportunity I could. The struggle was mind blistering! I deemed myself unable to cope with the drama of my life without the smokes to carry me through.

Rubbish. Oh yes, the drama was taking over; the doctor’s appointments, the scans, the blood work; the constant day to day struggle to get through the day’s events without losing my sanity. Thank God, there were the cigarettes. My touchstone to sanity and
reality. If I could only have another cigarette, my world would be back on an even keel. The nicotine would temper the harsh reality of my life and the smoking would lull me into believing that at least one area of life BC (before cancer) would remain unchanged.

Furthermore, the relaxation of smoking would de-stress me if only for a few minutes. The fact was, I was focusing on when and how to get a cigarette to calm myself down than trying to get well. Getting well meant quitting smoking – not because I would suddenly be transformed to a woman without cancer but it meant one less stressor on my body. I was rattling off facts and figures with my cigarette pack in my handbag awaiting my quiet return for a few minutes of inhalation pleasure. Do you see where this is going?

Smoking had me believing all was going to be well in my upside down world. It was the last remnant of a connection to a previous life that was never to be again. I foolishly believed that nicotine held no power over me. That I had only to say the word and I was through with the vile act. Fact is, smoking controlled my world at that time. The person I saw each morning in the mirror had nothing to do with the person I once was. I wanted that person back – or at least a small vestige of her – and smoking would help me get back to her. Nothing could have been farther from the truth. BJ BC was gone forever. That life was only a distant memory – pleasant though it was. Not until I realized that I was being such a hypocrite – what, spouting all the facts and figures of cancer survival, causes, etc.- did I face the reality of my situation. How could I reconcile all the advocacy and continue to smoke when statistics clearly indicate that nicotine/smoking contribute to cancer.

There are four main contributors to cancer – you pick whichever cancer you want: Obesity, smoking, diet; and lifestyle. The following was taken directly from an article from the National Cancer Institute. The remainder of the article can be seen at the link at the top of this article. Please read it.

1. Quitting smoking substantially reduces the risk of developing and dying from cancer, and this benefit increases the longer a person remains smoke free. However, even after many years of not smoking, the risk of lung cancer in former smokers remains higher than in people who have never smoked (1).
The risk of premature death and the chance of developing cancer due to cigarettes depend on the number of years of smoking, the number of cigarettes smoked per day, the age at which smoking began, and the presence or absence of illness at the time of quitting. For people who have already developed cancer, quitting smoking reduces the risk of developing a second cancer (9, 10).

Now, ladies, I am not stupid nor do I wish to appear to be stupid. The facts clearly state one’s health improves when one quits smoking – even if you already have cancer! So, all the anxiety about CA125 numbers bouncing up and down, the adhesions and scans, the
constant threat of relapse, these issues are moot when we are NOT doing everything we as cancer patients can to turn that tide. If you still smoke, think about the message you send to your family, friends, colleagues and lesser known's: Your message to them is
this: The statistics don’t apply to me. I will get through this ordeal without having to give up a known body stressor that contributes to cancer because I am untouchable. I will focus my energy on the things I really can’t do anything about (example: CA125) and continue to ease my tensions with cigarettes.

Ladies, all the worry about your survival will do no good if you continue to add to the problem with smoking. I encourage you to take a major step on your own behalf and do all you can to stop smoking. You will feel so much better physically and mentally. Your focus will shift to healing your body instead of thwarting the healing process every time you light up.

Good luck to all of you. It won’t be easy but YOU CAN DO IT! You are Survivors!

Bj Gallagher.

Saturday, 27 March 2010

grr

Last week was great – I really started to feel back  to 'normal'. Thanks Ricardo for the work and Andreas for the encouragement! I know. It's taken a long time – longer than I thought it would. And, to my mind, longer than it should have. But the mind is a funny thing. It does what it wants, and the body just follows.

Anyway, today was a lovely day [until we met the Beastly Clampers].

I got tons done this morning, seemed to be in manic mode [which used to be a norm for me] then zoomed off to collect our friend Mikaric from the bus station. Eek – chaos – they have closed off the old parking area, where one could drop the car for free, collect the person from the bus, and zoom off. Now, there are gates across the entrance [which I almost smashed into, having turned left around a bus in order to encounter them!].  Exeter city council are totally anally retentive. Everywhere to collect a person is blocked.

So – finally managed to collect the Mikaric after running up and down the lot, with the car parked illegally, flashers on. Home, lunch, blah. Then we decided to go out and buy an Easter egg for the Grand daughter. Mikaric lives not far from her so would be able to deliver it. Whey hey – good plan. Er – not, at the end of the day.

We had a great time shopping for eggs…could have eaten the lot! Then went to the cash point, as I have needed to verify my pin for an age, and decided today was a good plan to do it. Ha! Not! The parking lot usually available to customers of Barclays was blocked. The lot next door [a completely crap lot, full of holes] was not. So I dropped the car there, with Mikaric in it.

I only stopped in the Polestar lot as there were three other cars parked there, obviously all going to the cash point, as there were three peeps queued there. Stopped, left a friend in the car [and the keys in the lock in case he needed to move it]. I was literally 2 minutes, as I was simply checking my credit card pin. Probably this could be ascertained from the cctv they have on the cash point.

Arrived back at the car to a clamp. And suddenly no other cars in the lot [odd]. The clamp chaps tried to clamp the other cars but had to let them go, as they had drivers at the wheel [my passenger ascertained this, after getting over the shock of being clamped in my 2 minute absence]. Seems that was to do with ‘health and safety’ as in, if you clamp a moving car it could be dangerous to the clampee  ;o) They did not give my passenger the opportunity to move the car. They simply jumped out of their van and whacked the clamp on. Suffice to  say, the friend in the car was too gobsmacked to do anything except gawp. Imbecile...eheheh

To be fair, the chap was very kind to me, as in he said I could go back to the cash point to draw the £100.00 in order to pay him!! Incredible - they clamped me for going to the cash point in the bloody first place! I refused on the grounds of no money in my bank. Had to pay with a credit card, the first of which was refused [the one I was verifying at the cash point - hence void receipt], so I had to use another and paid £103.00. I assume the extra £3.00 is because I paid with a credit card. FFFFFFttt!!

Suffice to say, I paid it under duress, as otherwise they would have towed the car, and obviously I need the damn thing as I am looking for work. Grr. This was not right. £50.00 I could stomach – but £100.00 for a 2 minute stop?? FFS!! Not normal.

That was my day. Infuriating to say the least.

car-park

Saturday, 20 March 2010

time management – or not…

Eish, I can't believe this…well, I can, but I have to at least pretend to be startled by my own lack of comms with the general populace! I keep forgetting to reply to emails, do the ironing [oh happy lapse!] and everything else. My office is like a junk yard – NOT nice. It means my brain is probably also in chaos.

I am now madly trying to get lots of products onto lots of web sites. I suppose I could say I 'don't have time' to answer emails / the phone / the door, but probably I would if I were a bit better organised. I keep replying to things, saving them as drafts and then completely forgetting to complete and send the blessed things. As for the phone, I just slam it down if I don't know the person calling. And I threatened a cold caller at my door the other day with Certain Death if he didn't get his ass off my property. I am a grouch. But he didn't appear to understand "I'm not interested". But it became very clear to him VERY quickly…

I am now officially the Marketing peep for Hacker Design and Feelgood Ecobeds. Shriek! I have never done anything like it in my life, and as I am working on a commission plus expenses [and I am a bit of a cheap tart so that's not much] I need to get my butt in gear. Right. Ok.

On another subject entirely, my brother Pete [who is quite organised], and my sister-in-law Tracey [who is as dotty as they come – rather like me], are running the BUPA 10k in London on 31st May 2010. If you can spare a fiver [or a couple of bucks my darling US friends!] please donate. Pete has run a zillion marathons recently – he is like a one man money machine for charities! Way to go peeps.

Here's Pete with me – wearing the beastly wig during chemo. I love this photo, even though I look like a mad woman. Pete had more hair than me then ;o)

Please donate if you can. They are not 'sports' people – they are just trying hard to help others. Thanks!

pete-and-i

Thursday, 18 February 2010

the last 2 weeks

I've been trying to be sensible and not do anything too strenuous [no circuit training – boo!], and I've been voting for cakes every day [yes, we are WINNING!! woo hoo! thanks all my friends who've been voting!] and NOT being Ninja Cancer Girl, so this has been a fabulous 2 weeks! I am totally in the zone of NOT having cancer. Just go and vote please…

Click the box to sign up and vote:
vote for me

thanks…

Anyway - what? Oh yes – the last two weeks. First, the wounds in my tummy went all viciously red and sore. I mean REALLY sore – so I got a tad peeved with THAT scenario. I remembered from my last lot of so called 'dissolvable' stitches…they don't. Dissolve that is.

The body is supposed to recognise a foreign object and destroy it. My body is idiotic and doesn't seem to get the idea. We know that from the hellish tumour – wouldn't it destroy THAT if it knew what it was supposed to do? Confused dot com.

So I decided to remove them myself. Ugh! That was a rather shaky and sweaty experience to say the least! The skin had grown over  the stitches, so getting the scissors in 'just' the right place [in order not to cause bloodshed] was a bit tricky. But suffice to say, I removed all four stitches with no mishaps. Phew. Instant relief and now everything is healing up a charm. I am already using the Rosehip seed oil, so hopefully I won't have additional scars.

In the meantime, I managed to stub four toes before breakfast, rip one [long] fingernail off at the quick [aaargh – blood!], cut the back of my hand [ no I don't know what happened there at all] and smash my shin on the mum's tuck trunk we have as a side table in the lounge. BIG scab there. Yippee – a normal few things!

And I am really into helping this chap who is doing a 6,000 mile solo cycle ride intended to raise research funds and awareness about ovarian cancer. WHAT a cool dude! See his site here. More about that in the next post. And I am getting involved with a brilliant fellow who makes eco furniture – so cool. Everything Rick makes is sustainable and original. Beds, tables, boxes…superbly creative stuff, lovely to be considered as a part of his concern.  And also getting a bit involved with Killer Paint – really talented airbrushing. This man can paint anything at all. He is a true artist – and needs a good marketing person ;o)

And of course I am still looking for paying work [pay would be good!]. But, all told, a great start to MY new year – which really began once we got the biopsy result. At last it's sunk in!!

Saturday, 13 February 2010

being a ninja

11Image: azuzephre//jeff thomas

You know I already mentioned how hard it is to accept good news? Well, it gets easier.

The last few days I seem to have been in a daze – after thinking for weeks [yes, yes, I know it was stupid – assuming things always is] that I was in for a recurrence, now I am in this parallel universe where I am so happy! So. No. Not a daze. A surreal state? You who have followed the blog for ages will know very well that I am not a person who 'does' surreal – I like to be completely in the here and now. I like to be right up there with the facts. But this is something else. It's like a weight has been literally lifted off my shoulders.

Sounds prosaic right? But it's true. I can't think of ANYTHING in my life that has made me happier than knowing the cancer hasn't come back. And to be honest, I have had a LOT of wonderful things happen in my short life. But none of them would have the effect that a return of cancer would have had on me and mine.

The thing is, this isn't just about me. It's about the FH too. And my family; my friends. That is one of the reasons this is so great. I was so worried – imagine them having to go through all this AGAIN because of me. Uff. No thanks. I am tired of pretending that everything is ok. Being Ninja Cancer Girl gets boring after a few years…nice to actually really FEEL ok. And mean it.

So – I am feeling on top of the world!! Mainly for both of us – me and the FH. Because now we have time. There's ALWAYS going to be the worry of a recurrence – but  it doesn't happen like lightning. And to be clear in the first 2 years is very  encouraging.

I appear to be in remission. OMG!! It's the most amazing feeling. At last. Long may it go on!! Ad nauseum if possible? And thank you SO much all of you who have been, and still are, there for me. Your support means the world to me. Thank you.

But thank you most of all to my wonderful, amazing husband. You are the BEST thing that ever happened to me.

Sunday, 7 February 2010

Black-and-Blue

Ow! This is getting old fast – the bruising on my tummy is coming OUT with a vengeance.

Yesterday I removed the itchy dressings; that made me feel a bit ill. Ugh. The dressings caused some kind of allergic reaction which is normal for me. My skin doesn't like hospital sticky things, no matter where they put them.

The stitches are poking out of the wounds! The one in my navel is the worst one – looks as if it has one vertical cut, then two horizontal ones. Or maybe the horizontal ones are the stitches? Who knows - all I know is it hurts like a bugger! I've stopped taking painkillers, as it's not that bad, but a bruise is a bruise, and I feel like I was kicked by a buffalo. Plus I am a wimp. I keep wondering what it must look like inside? Ugh.

The middle one is where they stabbed in the air thing – it's rather unnerving to read that they can't see ANYTHING until they have actually put these great big metal things IN. Hence the risk of perforated organs. Hmm…what fun.

As you can no doubt see, my tummy looks worse now than it did when I came home. And actually it feels worse too. But no doubt this time next week it'll be back to normal. Hooray. Can't wait, as I can't do circuit training or anything else much for that matter. And I've already cleaned, dusted and washed just about everything. Such excitement…I say! And actually, I am really looking forward to having no pain – hard to imagine, after having the adhesions for two years.

Today's colourful belly

bruising

Saturday, 6 February 2010

practicing freedom

vnnk94

Heidi gave me this quote today, in celebration of my news that I am free of cancer. Thought provoking.

"To begin depriving death of its greatest advantage over us, let us adopt a way clean contrary to that common one; let us deprive death of its strangeness, let us frequent it, let us get used to it; let us have nothing more often in mind than death... We do not know where death awaits us: so let us wait for it everywhere."

"To practice death is to practice freedom. A man who has learned how to die has unlearned how to be a slave."

Michel de Montaigne

I think I have unlearned how to be a slave…

Friday, 5 February 2010

still thinking

today's been a bit better –it's odd, before the laparoscopy I didn't really think about the after effects other than the obvious ones; did I have a recurrence, didn't I have a recurrence, and the little Brain Rats were going: 'you do, you do!! snigger snigger'. So I was waking up every day and night for weeks and weeks, thinking I probably had a recurrence. But going through the days absolutely positive that I didn't have one. This is the difference between my conscious and my sub-conscious minds. The conscious mind seems to have a far better grasp on How To Stay Sane. Whereas the sub-conscious seems to have no bloody idea and just tries to drive you mad as a hatter.

So I hadn't considered how long I would take to get back to normal [that seems so be a repeating refrain with all cancery types – when am I going to Get Back to Normal??]. Hmm – seems those days are long gone and I now have a new normality. But never mind that – what I mean is, I didn't think about this as being surgery. So I didn't consider the 'getting better' bit much.

Yesterday I finally had a chat with Gail. She said I can take off the dressings as of now, if I want to. Tomorrow they are coming off, as they are starting to ITCH. And she said I need to take it easy for three weeks. THREE WEEKS??  One week is gone almost, so just two left. Not so bad. She pointed out that even though I seem to have 'just' three little holes in me, which will soon heal up, Renninson had a field day rummaging about in there, cutting and prodding things. So there will be bleeding and bruising. Inside. Ugh. So I refuse to carry the Hoover up the  stairs. :o)

Early last night was horrendous – the post surgery wind kicked in and I felt like I was merely two arms, two legs and a head hanging off a torso with a mind of it's own. Shoulder pain, neck pain and a very sore tummy. And feeling quite delirious. So I went to bed full of painkillers for MORE sleep!

Today I only took the painkillers in the morning and I've been ok so far – the bruising is coming out and  still have a bloated painful tummy, but it's a lot less painful that's for sure. Did some housework and pottered about. Another early night for me!

Oh, and I DO wish  could get used to / believe this fabulous news!! It's so surreal – it seems easy to accept bad news, so why can't I accept the good news the same way?  I think the biopsy report will do it. Black and white and all that. But I don't understand why it still hasn't sunk in. Think I'm a bit thick??

Saturday, 19 December 2009

looking for work

today is the first day of my Christmas holiday, and I was bumbling about the internet looking for jobs, and I came across this on Libby's Hope. I have just emailed Louise at Ovacome to see if we have anything similar here in the UK.

Looking for work is odd – it is both liberating and frightening. Liberating in that I am hoping to find something really creative and challenging, where I will learn new things, meet new people and also be able to share what I know. Frightening in that I don't really want to have to meet a whole lot of new people. Why, I don't know, as I talk to lots of strangers all the time, and none of them have bitten me yet! Probably because people get arrested for biting one another in the UK.

If I go only for freelance work, nobody needs to know I had cancer last year. All my cancery stuff goes here on the blog, and on the thread with all my darling girls on FB. If I look for full time work, it's a different story. I will have to complete one of those forms that I used to tick all the 'NO' boxes on…now I will be ticking the 'YES' box, and no doubt have to write a saga about having had about cancer. Although Dr Bradley said employers are far more concerned about people with bad backs than people who've had cancer. He suggested I offer to be on a trial period, so that [his words] "they can be sure I am not about to drop dead every three days". I love my GP – he does make me laugh.

My confidence is at an all time low. I have 3 million things to do, so of course I have done nothing. I really need to get a grip. Fast.

I am hoping that once I have the scan results, my mind will clear and I will stop wandering about in this 'WTF?' haze. I am sure the BH feels the same – I am probably a total pain in the butt right now.

I think tomorrow I will clean the entire house. Or wash the car. or sleep all day. Or whatever.

This may be of use to all you girls in the US.

Sunday, 22 November 2009

Sunday Sunday…a Wellie day

the weather here is completely repulsive! I say this because this morning it was sunny and dry – perfect gardening weather, even though it's cold. But this evening we appear to have a Force 10 gale!! [+ rain!!] Whilst it was sunny I dug up a great big Phlox for my neighbour, George. I have three massive ones that I had from my Mum, as she doesn't like them, so we dug them all up out of her garden and relocated them in ours. I love them! They flower for ages, and if you deadhead them they flower again.

But George the Neighbour was concerned that I only had pink ones. He took it upon himself to split one of his red ones and bring me half. Then he bought me a purple one at the Sunday market. So the least I could do was dig up one of the pink ones and give it to him. And this morning was perfect for digging. After much sweeping of leaves mind you. In Wellingtons. The Wisteria is a plague in the Autumn – leaves everywhere, and not in a very organised fashion either – it takes weeks to drop all of them. The driveway was a nightmare, getting out of the car and wading through a metre deep of the beastly things. So lots of sweeping was in order. And I don't like sweeping – it does my stomach in. But probably it's good for me, so I do it anyway. Plus there's the danger of drowning in leaves if I don't!

phlox

Right now I am listening to the howling wind and pouring rain. We have the wood burner on the go, so the house is lovely and warm – sometimes cold  days can be wonderful. Once you are snuggled up on the sofa by the fire anyway!

Every time I do things in the garden now, I remember this time last year, looking out of my office window and wondering if I'd ever have the energy to dig things up again. The body is a wonderful thing – only one year ago now, I couldn't manage to open a jar top never mind lift and wield a garden fork. Now I am back to normal. Almost – I get exhausted more easily, but then again, I am a bit older right? Plus it takes ages to get over being blasted by chemo. And I have been battered half to death by cancer first, then chemo second.

So, I feel I am doing really well. I feel GOOD as James Brown said…Whoa! I feel nice, like sugar and spice!!

Saturday, 21 November 2009

frantic week

The day after the check up we went to London to do the interview for SKY real Lives. We were collected by a taxi at 6.00, dropped at Exeter St David's, and took the fast train to Paddington. Another taxi collected us that end, and we shot off to our hotel, where we dumped our bags and promptly made for a pub. London pubs are still 'proper' pubs in the main. None of that cream paint all over the place. Fab.

Here's the pub. It had relief tin ceilings – yay!

black lion

Here's the hotel in Notting Hill. Tiny room but spotless, and the service was exemplary.

Picture-002

On Thursday we had to be 'on location' [chuckle] at 8.15. Which meant a mad frenzy to get up, organised and have breakfast by 8.00. The taxi text messaged me at 7.00 to say they were on the way, and at 7.30 to say they were outside! Deranged – they had to wait, as Aj had a rather scrummy full English. I had croissant and coffee and went out for a cigarette – met the taxi drivers, who were also having cigarettes. They didn't seem too bothered to wait, so everyone was chilled. We met one of the other women in the programme and her Mum at breakfast, Hazel. She is an amazing woman, and made me feel very lucky to be in the position I am in regarding my cancer. She is battered every day by hers, since she was a young girl.

We all arrived at the house in Notting Hill [amazing house – and amazing CAT!! more about him later!]. We did lots of sitting around waiting, but the Tern TV team really looked after us, we had coffee and whatever we needed, and met the resident expert before we went on. He is super – but I can't tell you who he is. Boo. But I will in due course. Here we are waiting in the kitchen. Hazel is the blondie on the far right. Her mum, Gladys is behind her.

DSC_0030

Went into makeup, which was more fun – I was lucky, and had the [yep, still a secret] interviewers own makeup artist. I wonder if I can buy her?? A ton of makeup later and I looked MUCH better!

Here I am getting painted up.

DSC_0055

The interview itself was quite short, but it was an experience for sure. Isn't it odd that talking about ovarian cancer could be fun? Pretty surreal to say the least. Even more surreal to think that in February I will be on TV. Just because I had cancer.

So, it was interesting and I think we all enjoyed it. Apart from when they showed a clip of Aj talking about me – he was saying all these wonderful things about me, and I had to look away or burst out crying. NOT a good idea. I am so lucky to have a husband who has been so incredibly supportive [and still is] and who it seems, is still in love with me. What more can you ask?

The interview itself was over quite quickly, but it was fun to meet the person who interviewed me – much more down to earth than I would have expected. Rather nice actually!

They have included a picture of the actual tumour in the 'back story' – I have never posted it, as it is repulsive. But apparently that picture may make women think harder and be more aware of this disease. good. I hope so. If even one woman is diagnosed earlier from seeing this picture, this programme, I shall count the time well spent.

So, here it is. Tadaah. Showing some scale – i.e.: the tumour was bigger than my womb. Ugh.

ovarian-cyst

This is a better picture I think. Getting wired for sound here, with Lorraine and the sound tech.

DSC_0060

Afterwards we went and had lunch at Carluccios, then another taxi back to Paddington, train home, taxi to the house and collapse.

And in the meantime, I have fallen madly in love! With a cat – a Norwegian Forest cat to be precise – here's the one that was at the house – he was so friendly! And so pretty. Of course, fell for Aj straight away! Aj seems to be an animal magnet…

DSC_0042

DSC_0028We now want to get two, but can't find a breeder in Devon. We've even chosen the colours already! It's taken me an age to feel confident enough with my health to even consider buying more animals – I still miss my two Persian cats that I had for 15 years. A different breed will be good, as I can't 'replace' my girls, but I CAN get new cats. And I am sure they'll be good for me. Anyone who knows where I can get some NFC kittens, please let me know!?

Thursday, 12 November 2009

five days to go

Delete Key 

Hmm – so busy ranting about the STOLEN 'A board' [that made me SO cross! thieving is so disgusting. yes, chop off the hand] that I forgot to update The Worry List.

Worry 03: Delete [thud…]

The drive home from Gatwick was ok, as far as driving for hours on end in billowing [yes, 'billowing' – not 'normal', no that'd be too easy – but it least it wasn't freezing fog] FOG, tipping rain and pitch darkness goes. Traffic wasn't as heavy as I'd expected and the trip was uneventful [love that word] apart from the usual halfwits who can't drive even in daylight. So I had an early night after a lovely chat with the FH. So good to be home and see his little face. Yay!

Worry 04: Delete [another resounding thud]

This morning, up nice and early, unpacked, slapped the laptop into sync mode with the pc and raced off to have my bloods taken. Yay -the phlebotomist is also my GP's secretary. No exploding pumps or problems at all. It seems the veins in my right arm [only one lot of chemo went in that arm, which may have helped the veins – less mustard gas is possibly a good thing] are now recovering. So my blood is now en route in it's little tube to the lab for scrutiny. I'd quite like to see that lab. When my blood is there. So I can get my results immediately.

Yes, I need therapy. Anyway, the rest of the list:

Worry 02: under construction…well. what can one say?

Worry 05 [and Worry 01]: bah. I keep thinking I am dying. Full of cancer. Every ache or pain I become distraught. In my head. Here. I try to deal with that. I am sure I am gaining ground, even though sometimes the people around me seem to forget where I am...just one year out of chemo. I am not sure if the shock has worn off even now – although I am VERY good at ''appearing'' normal. Perhaps TOO good. Maybe sometimes I should collapse on the floor. Screaming. Just so people can see what's really going on in my head. But then again, that wouldn't be very professional; now would it??