get a second opinion

I am having another frenzied day, cleaning the house, collecting tea cups [there are actually 36! yay!], designing an ad for the FH and off to spinning later. Shopping and ironing: DONE ha!

And, HORROR, my fridge, having housed the soaking bacalhau, now smells just like one…I've cleaned it twice to no avail, and am now trying the 'coffee grounds' trick. Sigh. Hope it works.

Just checking in on my email and I had this following message from Hystersisters. They have created a new website which is quite interesting, here. So I thought I'd slap it into a post before it gets lost in the rest of the emails that I keep 'saving to deal with later' [and then forgetting to deal with].

Good advice - if you're not certain - get a second opinion!

 

"Mama always said, "Many hands make light work!" It helps when cleaning the house. It helps on the deck of a big ship. It helps when there is a big, gigantic task that one person can not accomplish alone.

And so it is NOW with this video - sponsored and created solely by HysterSisters - that needs to be passed along with it's message to all women.

I'm asking for your helping hands. I'm asking you to view this video. And then at the end of the video - fill out the form to send it to other women. Your sisters. Your aunts. Your co-workers. Your girlfriends."

another step in the right direction

Yesterday was one of those days that contained an Interesting Occurrence. You know how I just love those.

The Triage nurse phoned and did the pre-op. I appear to be scheduled for the 1st of February. All being well, I will be out that afternoon. I have been reading up on laparoscopy a bit more, as I appear  to have lost the 'Handy Hint' document supplied by Mr Renninson. Or I put it somewhere safe. That's always dangerous. I am clearing out my office, so I won't be able to find anything four months.

Lets hope it is as simple as it seems – not looking forward to the after effects of the CO₂ insufflation. Urgh. I have the peppermint tea at the ready. It makes the kitchen cupboard smell lovely.

I decided to do some cleaning. Which is when it got Interesting. I collected the Hoover from the upstairs cupboard, raced back down our beastly spiral staircase and tore a massive lump out of the back of my foot! I slipped off one tread and smashed it downwards on the front of the riser. At first it didn't hurt, then it felt a bit odd, I looked at it and blood was pouring everywhere! As soon as I saw that, it started to hurt like hell.

Thank goodness for tiled kitchen floors. Blood everywhere. I cleaned it all up, pressed the rather large flap of skin back into the gaping hole in my heel, then sat on the floor and burst out crying! What?

As I was there, I decided it could be good to have a really GOOD cry – and proceeded to do just that for half an hour. About everything – we are so tired of stuff going wrong. It's becoming a bore.

Today – more office clearing – I have one million catalogues, adverts, invitations, data c.d.'s…you name it. 3 big black bin liners of papers out the door and I am finally seeing some light at the end of the chaos! Unfortunately I can't say the same for the dining room table, which is swamped. That's tomorrows job. Sorting out what I need and binning the rest!

enough with this waiting now!

Every morning, the FH brings me a coffee in bed. I may have mentioned this before. It's my treat. Every single day. Without fail. It's one of those things that is so delightful that I never wake up without thinking 'yay'! I think if I woke up and the coffee wasn't there I would think he'd died!

So. What? Ah yes. This morning was a little different. The FH was in a state of High Dudgeon. Unusual for him. Usually he is very calm. Turns out he was rather peeved [this is an understatement!]  because I STILL haven't had  a letter from Renninson to tell me when my pre-op appointment is, nor when my surgery is. Hmm. A husband who is stressed and worried is not a good thing. Action stations! I am not sure why, but since Tuesday I have been quite chilled about the 'Situation'.

Actually, I have been strangely calm. I am not sure if this is a good thing or not. I feel almost disassociated. At first I was shocked, upset and afraid. Oh – I was also quite furious at the thought of having to go through chemo blah de blah again. I think it took me 3 weeks to get my head around it. Christmas was a blur. But this week I came 'back'.  Odd. But there you go. Nothing much odder than a cancery type I think – well, apart from Ugli Fruit.

so, this afternoon I rang my Clinical Nurse, Gail [she works for my surgeon, Mr Renninson] about the surgery and pre-operative appointment.

First, the GREAT NEWS is that they found NO other strange things on the MRI scan I had last week. The MRI scan is a lot more detailed than the CT scan I had in December, and I was a little worried that they might find ‘something’ somewhere else. Lungs, liver...whatever - you can imagine. But we are still with just that one little thing. So that is excellent!! woop woop!

Second, I will have the majority of the pre-op appointment by phone, done by a triage nurse. So I don’t have to go into the hospital for that. Also excellent.

Lastly, the surgery is scheduled for the 1^st February. Which is only 2 weeks away. It could be delayed, but at least I am in the system. All good news so far. The FH is looking far more chipper, and that works for me.

I know I am a bit weird right now [my communication skills appear to have disappeared], but I am quite cheerful, pretty positive and hoping for scar tissue. Sorry – no amusing picture.

waiting in the New Year

I was talking to a good friend last week. An old old friend – and you know what? It was one of the easiest conversations I have had in a while that included the word cancer. NOT the 'Big C' thank you. Fucking cancer. Hate it. She has fibroids that cause her horrendous pain, so we had that "lets laugh about this" conversation. Both of us in hysterics about our situations, but both knowing quite well that it isn't that funny.

Anyway – I am in a strange state. Living life as normal, but not. Not actually being very normal. But…being really normal! I am a genius. I can look normal, whilst all the time feeling completely INSANE. I am having horrible dreams/nightmares. I am struggling to attack the work situation properly because I am 'waiting'.

My FH and my darling grand daughter have left the building so to speak. I miss grand daughter already. Here we are on New Years Day – miraculously sunny! But freezing none the less. Love that coat!!

I am just Waiting. Waiting for the pre-op appointment. Waiting for the laparoscopy, which I am dreading. More scars, more pain. Waiting for the biopsy report. Just WAITING  to get on with my life. Waiting to hear if I have a recurrence. Or not. I just need to KNOW what's going on!

But; slight problem at our hospital – the RD&E has 8 wards closed because of the vomiting bug. They are cancelling all non-urgent surgery and everything is delayed.

So I think the waiting will be rather longer than I expected. The day I came home from the MRI scan, I was feeling awful – I slept all afternoon. The MRI seemed to cause pain in my abdomen? Maybe psychological? And the shot I had to relax the bowels? Maybe has side effects? Who knows. The next day, I was vomiting and had to hold onto the walls to walk, as I felt completely delirious. It was horrible, every time I turned my head, the world tipped over. Ugh. I just drank gallons of water and went back to bed. Seemed to work, as I am fine now.

Well…wait wait. Hopefully I'll have a letter next week with a date for my pre-op. In the meantime I am still looking for work, sending off zillions of CV's and hoping for the best. But I am confused. Too many things to deal with – it makes me unable to deal with anything. That sounds so stupid, but I just don't know where to start some days.

Must make a list I think. That may help.

MRI; next stop

I don't think I was particularly clear about what is happening in the last blog post. But then again, I wasn't feeling very clever at the time, so there you go. My girls have been asking questions that I thought I had answered. Well, I hadn't. Looked over the last post and noticed LARGE gaps in the information. Sorry. Brain is mush.

What happened is this: CT scan in December. Couldn't go to Portugal to work because of that and family commitments. Then I lost my contract because I couldn't go. Uff. Seems that cancer can cause all sorts of BS that you never consider. Until it happens. Well, there you go eh? Life goes on…I will find other work.

Then the CT scan came back with 'something' on it. [I begin to hate the word 'something' AND the New Year]. I went into the RD&E to meet Renninson [my lovely surgeon]. He came in especially to see me just before Christmas. Nice or what?

Anyway, the meeting went thus: 'I have seen something on the scan that looks like a 'thickening'. It needs to be investigated. I don't know what it is, but there's a 50/50 chance it is either scar tissue or a recurrence. Before we go down the road of more chemo, I want to see what it is'. Me: Swallow [chemo? again? fuck!]. Aj: freak out. He heard 'it is cancer'. But we sorted that out. I love my husband – he is so involved with me. And I hate that he has to be. It takes things from his life. This is so unfair to him. Do ALL cancer patients feel as guilty as I do?

So, the next steps are: tomorrow, the MRI scan. I understand this to be a pre-op measure – so Renninson can see what is going on in there. A PET scan was out of the question, as he said it would merely show up a 'hot spot'. This would not tell him whether it is cancer or not, so no need for that. Ok. But at least I had the info to ask the question – thanks Nat. Then the pre-op meeting. Then I will find out when the surgery will take place.

The other thing Renninson will do [I am trying to be CLEAR here] is to try to find out what is causing the pain on my left side [although, thanks to Senekot, that seems to be receding]

Bugger. And yes, I could curse a LOT here. grr. But I won't. I will keep the Zen brain I succeeded with today…THIS IS BETTER.

Sort out the office [where I am sitting right now in  the midst of a ton of stuff!]. Clean the house. Look for work. Get on with it. Ok.

Good fun this isn't it? But at least two good things happened today – the car is fixed [£100.00] and the front window [which some prat smashed while we were away] is fixed too…

woop!

step 07: the pre-op clinic

Thursday 28th February:
Attend the pre-op clinic with Aj. Hours spent here. The car parking people must make a fortune out of everyone else’s misfortune! Beasts.

First had MORE blood removed, then waiting. Then urine sample again [she just caught me in time, or she wouldn’t have got one at all – was busting as usual! all that pressure in there is no joke] then more waiting. Then blood pressure, weighed and measured [I am fatter AND taller than I thought – what a day...].Then saw John Renninson with Aj – he was brilliant – explained everything. Both of us had opportunity to ask questions and he was very patient. I took a list of questions with me and filled in the answers as we went along – some were rather foolish [too much info from the internet!!], but now he’s explained all of them, so quite a few things I was worried about I can cross out completely. Phew. Gail, the Clinical Nurse Specialist [there are two of these, the other one is called Jackie] explained further. Went directly to the pub after and did some chilling out before calling the family.

It’s a good idea to take a list with you when you go to these appointments. Even just a paper and pen, so you can write down what they tell you. The surgeon won’t care what you do as long as you don’t actually attack him, and whatever he tells you goes in one ear and out the other at the time, so it’s good to have it to refer to later when the brain has finished panicking.

The Clinical Nurse Specialists are at your disposal too – you can call them whenever you like to ask questions, and they are SO kind, and very helpful. Mines of information and they’re NORMAL!! Not as scary as the specialists/doctors. I think it makes it easier that they’re women as well – at least you know that they understand where you’re coming from, like me worrying stupidly about what the scar is going to look like? But silly things aren’t so silly really, every little thing adds up to a big one, so the more information I can get, the easier it is for me to cope. But not everyone’s like that, so you have to deal with it all your own way. But at east you know if you do have a query, every single thing you ask is taken seriously, and nothing is too silly to worry about or ask about.