I was talking to a good friend last week. An old old friend – and you know what? It was one of the easiest conversations I have had in a while that included the word cancer. NOT the 'Big C' thank you. Fucking cancer. Hate it. She has fibroids that cause her horrendous pain, so we had that "lets laugh about this" conversation. Both of us in hysterics about our situations, but both knowing quite well that it isn't that funny.
Anyway – I am in a strange state. Living life as normal, but not. Not actually being very normal. But…being really normal! I am a genius. I can look normal, whilst all the time feeling completely INSANE. I am having horrible dreams/nightmares. I am struggling to attack the work situation properly because I am 'waiting'.
I am just Waiting. Waiting for the pre-op appointment. Waiting for the laparoscopy, which I am dreading. More scars, more pain. Waiting for the biopsy report. Just WAITING to get on with my life. Waiting to hear if I have a recurrence. Or not. I just need to KNOW what's going on!
So I think the waiting will be rather longer than I expected. The day I came home from the MRI scan, I was feeling awful – I slept all afternoon. The MRI seemed to cause pain in my abdomen? Maybe psychological? And the shot I had to relax the bowels? Maybe has side effects? Who knows. The next day, I was vomiting and had to hold onto the walls to walk, as I felt completely delirious. It was horrible, every time I turned my head, the world tipped over. Ugh. I just drank gallons of water and went back to bed. Seemed to work, as I am fine now.
Well…wait wait. Hopefully I'll have a letter next week with a date for my pre-op. In the meantime I am still looking for work, sending off zillions of CV's and hoping for the best. But I am confused. Too many things to deal with – it makes me unable to deal with anything. That sounds so stupid, but I just don't know where to start some days.
Must make a list I think. That may help.