the straw that broke the camels back

or almost anyway. I have been considering the last four weeks. which brought me to consider the last three years - which brought me to almost screaming point once I looked at everything back to back. I am wondering how exactly one knows when a nervous breakdown is imminent. Maybe one doesn't realise one is having one at all? Perhaps once you constantly feel like screaming, crying or hiding, battering people with ones handbag, you're there already…

I appear to be living in 'interesting times'. Purportedly a Chinese curse. Christmas is definitely NOT a good time in our house. My diagnosis 3 years ago was just after Christmas. The FH's mum got ill at Christmas and died in the February - then I lost my contract last Christmas because I couldn't go to Portugal as I needed a scan [yeah, I know…sucks right?]. Self same scan [yes, you guessed it - just before Christmas] found 'something'. We spent a torturous month of December into January wondering if I had a recurrence, until, thankfully, I had the laparoscopy and was pronounced clear. THAT seemed a miracle. Probably it was. And I am grateful for it.

This Christmas my father died. And possibly, this is starting to sound like a great big self pitying whinge. But to be honest , I am merely trying to get my head around such a never ending [for me] catalogue of disasters…big things, little things…one after the other. I start to feel like the losing boxer in the ring - the one who simply falls all over the place bleeding from the nose and looking confused. Is the expression punch drunk? maybe. That's how I feel. We are exhausted with it all.

Today was absolutely a perfect microcosm of our lives right now. The ABS on the car is playing up - the windscreen washer won't work, the extractor hood over the cooker has exploded, the Wild Things smash something every single day [we are getting a very 'minimalist' look here at home]…

And, last Thursday 23rd my pc blue screened. Fffftzzz….the end. Called Dell, whom I have a 'next day service' warranty with [thanks Pete!]. they didn't come the next day - they came today!! Almost a week later. And when they came, they brought the wrong drivers…the wrong drivers?!? WTF!?? So I am still without a machine, and that's with two new clients to do work for. I lost 2 hours of Chalet bashing wages to come home for the technician and that happens?

I started work at 7.00. I was NOT amused. I raced back to do a bit more bashing after the Dell catastrophe…I had a hair appointment at 1.30. Raced onto the dual carriageway from the Salt Mine and what ho! Stuck in a traffic jam for 40 minutes [usually an 8 minute trip]. ABS lights flashing madly on the dash. Washers not working. Screen covered in salt. Joy.

Had my hair chopped off eventually. Hoorah. One success. It does look rather nice too - thanks to the FH and his Christmas day dishwashing attack - all the money he earned, he gave me to have my hair done. darling man. Blessings that keep one sane.

Raced home [again!!] - got on the phone to Dell. Having stewed away under all that peroxide at the hairdressers I had my shouting down pat. Very merrily raised total HELL with the delightfully polite Indian fellow I was transferred to [yes, I was being DIFFICULT - as in, demanding a decent service!!]. Every time he said 'but…' I said 'DO NOT BUT..' and carried on regardless - it was interesting to say the least, and surprisingly, they are following my rather sharply issued commands…well, we'll see if they do anyway. 'Come tomorrow after 3.00'. 'Call me and tell me exactly WHAT they intend to do to recompense me for 3 days lost wages'…I want an extension of my warranty - and told him he better NOT call me unless he is going to give me one…one that is actually honoured!

Grr. Tomorrow they are coming AGAIN. This time, I am going to lock the technician in the house until my bloody computer is working!!

Soon I have my check up. Tomorrow I need to book in for my bloods. A 6 month gap has made me VERY nervous. Can you tell?

Shriek!!!

check up time again…

Check up on the horizon. Bah. And here I am, having a GREAT day just 2 weeks before…why am I worrying??

Trying to be normal. But it  makes me drink too much, smoke too much [giving THAT shit up soon!!], talk too much [well, 'gibber' would probably be the operative word actually - think 'bouncing off the walls'...] - I stand in my garden looking at the flowers and cry for no reason.  My behaviour is erratic. I am out of control a lot of the time. I think about death. A lot.  STILL!! Why?

My husband is an angel when this is going on. This week he brought me flowers for no reason. He understands, and he lets me 'get on with it'. He doesn't judge me or hassle me or question me - he allows for lunacy, and he allows for bad behaviour. Thank goodness for that. Not many people are so forgiving.

I'm not sure how I'd cope without him actually. I have total free reign…I can do whatever I need or want to, for a limited time, and know there is always someone to save me if I push it too far. A safety net. I need that, as I am an addictive personality and a crazy person at the best of times - the FH helps me survive myself.

It's odd - I STILL can't cope. I do cope - but I don't. Pathetic really. But I am not so far from the diagnosis and surgery and chemo that I feel safe yet. I do wonder if I ever will. Feel 'safe' I mean. I hope I will. Eventually. I am sure I will - but when? I still starkly remember being bald. I still remember the shocking pain in my legs from chemo. I recall the night I had to phone the ward because I suddenly developed a burning rash. I recall being frightened quite a lot. And trying so hard to hide that.

I mean, at the end of the day, I'm not a weakling, I'm not new to this. So why do I have a total meltdown at each check up?? I think I know why - because at each check up, there's the chance that MAYBE this time the cancer may have returned. Quite often with ovarian cancer there are no symptoms of recurrence until it's late in the day. That sucks. No matter what you do, it could be there, sneaking about, ravaging your insides - and you'd never know. Fuck. It's so frustrating. And so scary.

BUT - hey ho, we have to KBO eh? Churchill understood the dangers of defeatism and poor morale as a soldier and leader, so he set the example needed to inspire others around him…and he kept “buggering on.” Well, I shall just do that.

Bugger…on.

next fundraiser and looking for work…still!

So now I am sorting out the NEXT fundraiser! Tell you what, this fundraising is exhausting stuff! If I were being paid to do it, I'd be raking it in. I am worried, as I am actually starting to enjoy it. Hmm - madness sets in?

I am seriously considering applying for jobs as an Events Organiser - can't be more difficult than finding a job as a graphic designer!! You'd think 10 years experience would be of interest to SOMEONE. But no…every job I apply for I get no reply. How rude. In Devon it seems it's ok to employ only people who have just left school. Oh, and to not bother to let one know whether you have the job or not. This explains a lot about Devon's advertising and marketing!! Anyway…onward and upward, I still have the cleaning job, the furniture maker thing and some gardening. So, all is not lost. Yet.

Today I went with the FH to the job centre - well, they were about as much use as a third buttock. I have to 'go away and phone in for an appointment ' and their job seeking help is to allow one to use their [odd] computers to access the job web site. Which I do at home anyway! It seems that if I work more than 16 hours a week, I am not eligible for benefits. If I work less than 30 hours a week, I am not eligible for tax credits. So, seems if I just don't bother my ass, I can be on the dole, but as I am trying my best to work, they won't help me. This makes no sense. Grr.

In the meantime back at the ranch, I have another fundraiser on the go, at the Port Royal pub on Exeter Quay. I have discovered that if I want to do a raffle in advance of the event [and I do want to - the 3 night weekend at Fingle Glen Golf club, kindly donated by Andy Bridgeman], I have to have a 'gaming licence'. Uh what? Now I am a gambling type? So we are having a 'discussion', the council and I, to try to sort it out. Very complicated. I just want to raise money for women's cancers - and the licence costs £40.00! uff…but they are being very helpful, so I'll see what tomorrow's phone call brings. I'm hoping for a good result, as the event is SOON! I need to sell a LOT of tickets for that - it's worth at least £300.00, so I need to raise more. Eek. But I do have my Secret Weapon: Graham!

Speaking of results, I am off for the beastly blood tests in the morning. Ugh. Next check up looms. Not in the best of moods this week I dare say. In fact, feeling quite the grouch.

And today was mad - after the pathetic result at the job centre, the FH decided that I need a new dress for my friend Julie's 50th birthday bash. I was NOT in shopping mode - so of course I found the perfect dress!! AND in a size 10 which I haven't fitted into since before my dx. Woop! Credit card is feeling the strain heh heh. But as it's her 50th AND her '5 year survivor of ovarian cancer' bash - well, what can you do? It's a bit special isn't it? Check out the cool frock from All Saints [my favourite shop in the universe]! Will be superb with my R+B leopard skin shoes methinks :o)

Oh and by the way, got the results of my mammogram after a shouting match with the secretary. She didn't QUITE get it that I need to know NOW not in 3 weeks time. But it sank in and she became very helpful - rang me back the same day bless her -  all clear!! Yay!! I should be cheerful right? I AM trying…

ovarian cancer test and BEAT

Yesterday was a bit mad – I heard about OvPlex™, the new diagnostic test for ovarian cancer from Simon. We were discussing his ride and the logos to go on his bike. They are one of his sponsors. After he left I decided to see if it was in the news. Er – no. Not anything sensible anyway. You'd think it would be wouldn't you?

Then I found their web site. Yay me. I read it, thought it an excellent piece of news that needed to be spread, and decided that it was a bit technical to reinterpret. Therefore I copied all their text into a blog post [with references! ooooh], then tweeted it. Yes, I am actually starting to comprehend Twitter at LAST!

Oops…

Ten minutes later poor Simon rang me and asked me to please call OvPlex as they needed to speak to me about the blog post, and I needed to remove it. I had visions of being locked away for plagiarism, and deleted everything at lightning speed! Blog, Tweet, Facebook blog… [AAARGH!] I also had visions of Simon wondering if he ought to beat me about the head with a cycle pump…anyway…

Rang them post haste, and it turns out their site only went 'live' yesterday, and basically Google search engines would find me before them, as I'd filched their article almost word for word. Uff! I felt terrible, but luckily for me the chap was most understanding, very kind and everything turned out ok. He quite understood how excited I was about such a brilliant test. Actually, we had a nice chat. So!!

If you would like to know about the new diagnostic test for ovarian cancer, please go HERE and read the article. :o) You can order it on-line for £275.00. Seems a lot of money doesn't it? But I'd have paid it if it would have helped me avoid surgery, chemotherapy and sundry other crap.

And, NO, I'm NOT tweeting this!! I am astounded at how fast info travels mind you – it's amazing.

Today I am mainly getting excited about Ovacome's Awareness Launch in March. Ovacome will gain maximum exposure in the national press with a major launch called BEAT which will put ovarian cancer firmly on the radar of women and their GPs. Yippee! Watch this space…

one week to go

Seven more days and I have my next check up. Uff. That'd be Worry No: 01.

I have plenty of other things to worry about, but that’s the thing that keeps pushing it's scary little face to the forefront of my mind. It makes everything else seem quite irritating and gnat like.

Worry 02: I am quite keen to get a new contract sorted out here in Portugal - the 2 months notice period has come and gone, so ideally, if the company wish to renew it for another year we will resolve that before I return to the UK. That's in, and under consideration. If they don't I will need 4 hours to say goodbye to everyone. If they do renew, that will be one less thing to stress about.

Worry 03: Drive home late tomorrow night. I am always concerned at my tiredness level - Gatwick is three and a half hours drive. During rush hour. In the dark [and probably the rain] Oh joy.

Worry 04: I get home, unpack, go to sleep, jump up Thursday morning for work, then race to the GP to have my bloods taken. I still hate needles even after all the stabbing and prodding that's gone on over the last 2 years. But I have wised up and no longer allow this appointment to be made with a nurse - I much prefer the phlebotomist thanks. Pumps exploding off the needle and black and blue arms have taught me a lesson. My veins still suck [well, they lay low that's for sure] and need an expert to find them without everyone ending up looking rather pale. Not to mention feeling rather cross.

For the last few weeks I have had a horrendous cold and cough  [thankfully the cough is no longer forcing me to bend in half and the cold is gone] but I haven't wanted to ask for any antibiotics in case they affect my blood tests. Yes, I know…stupid. But there you go. So once I've had the blood drawn, if I am still coughing my guts up, I shall shoot off to the GP and get something for it.

Worry 05 [see Worry 01]: The Check Up…tadaaahh…why am I not used to this by now eh? Although I definitely feel less demented so far, there are still 7 days to go. Lots of time yet for mass hysteria. And I don't think I'll ever get used to it; maybe it is expecting too much to even try. It's like 'getting used to' being hit by a car - I suppose you probably just don't. Though I wouldn't like to have to prove that…

And last but not least - I haven't done ANY Christmas shopping at all! Useless! After Tuesdays check up and Wednesday's TV thing, that is going to be the order of business methinks. Although next Thursday night we're off out for a girly dinner, so it may have to wait until I recover from that…perhaps I'll simply grab Aj and abscond over Christmas? Now there's a thought…

not much thinking going on

I have 'forgotten' far too many things recently. Well, not recently – but generally since being chemo-ed. Some things were quite very serious but hopefully will be resolved. This memory thing plus the 'I can't prioritise or FINISH things' thing sucks. 'Constantly baling out water – but I still feel like I am going to sink'; that's me. And it's hard to explain – there are no 'good' reasons that make one forget, neglect or avoid doing IMPORTANT things. It's getting better – the book 'Your Brain after Chemo', has helped. What a relief – I am not the only person like this. There are a LOT of us. Maybe we should start a club, as our normal friends probably shouldn't have to put up with this crap.

Multi tasking now involves palpitations and lists. I am getting quite good at using Excel [there's a programme I detest!]. I need to be very organised or feel like I might scream.

Hardly surprising, with everything that's been going on. Aj has relocated his business. Relocating a tile shop involves masses of heavy lifting, so he has been at it from 7.30 in the morning until 8.00 at night for about 3 weeks. And dealing with all the legal side of it, banks, solicitors etc during the day [in between hauling pallet loads of tiles, stands and stuff] has been making him crazy. He has been mainly falling in the door every night, then almost straight to bed.

My evenings have been spent working on all the advertising, the website and signage. This weekend I was painting floors blue and carrying horrible hand boards about in an attempt at organisation of chaos. I hate painting floors. We are both exhausted. But today the new shop opened! Yay!

And the other good thing: I haven't had a second to think bad thoughts for weeks. Well, apart from the fact that this hideous cold I have had has now moved to my chest and I am worried about it becoming bronchitis. I am coughing myself awake at night. But drinking cough medicine and sitting upright seems to help.

On the the 14th we were supposed to have the swine flu shot – seems Aj has to have it too in order to avoid getting it and giving it to me. But we have been moved to the next batch, which no-one knows the arrival date of. Apparently they do the Swine Flu vaccination in batches of 500. They will send us an 'invitation'. Uh?

I got my GP to sign that form that gives cancer patients free prescriptions. Gotta reap some benefit from this horrific disease right? Still waiting for that to arrive.

In the meantime I am going to Portugal to work again. Need to leave at 5.30 in the morning. The day after I return I go for my bloods. On  the 17th November I have my next check up. On the 18th we are off to the SKY studio for yet another interview.  Then we are off to see Rodrigo Y Gabriela [something to look forward to – yay]. Then to Brighton to drink cocktails on my friends rather posh seafront veranda. Then the kids are down for the weekend…

Actually, now I come to think of it, no wonder I'm confused and forgetful. Roll on the Christmas break!

another Friday | another blood test

Friday 6th June

It’s our EIGHTH wedding anniversary today!

Hard to believe it, time goes so quickly when you’re enjoying yourself! Plus it’s almost the weekend, so I zoomed out and invested in a nice Chablis for Andrew [he loves it] to devour when he gets home this evening. And a nice Pinot Grigio for little me [I'm not fussy and as I can't have Planalto, it'll have to do]. Not quite bbq weather here so I better think about cooking – NOT my forté at all, but I am sure I can come up with something edible. Anniversary Omelette has rather a good ring to it!

Off to Weymouth, King George III’s watering-place, tomorrow for the weekend – great, I can’t wait to go somewhere different and it’s quite quaint and pretty busy, so it should be entertaining. I looked at the weather channel three times today and each time it’s completely different! I wonder if they’re having a drunken Button Pressing Party down at the Met Office? Much more reliable to look out of the window...
Lots of good news today, as my darling sister-in-law came out of hospital yesterday – and my friend Karin too – what’s this all about anyway? Is this 'The Year of Surgery' for everyone I know? It’s ridiculous – next year I think we should all get together in the Bahamas and celebrate some normality. Such a bunch of attention seekers...but it’s made my day that they’re both out and now on the road to recovery.

The blood tests went well this morning. We used the other arm, seeing as how the veins in my left arm are a bit uncooperative, and I still have a bruise from last time. I think I am going to have to have the cannula in my right hand at the next chemo, even though I’m not keen on the idea. But the back of my left hand still feels bruised and uncomfortable. Maybe it’ll be ok if I use the right just the once, in order to give the left hand a break. Seeing the oncologist, Dr Hong again this time, so I can ask her a few questions about travelling, as I understand I have to get a letter from her for the insurance company [when we eventually find one that is equitable], to prove that I am 'fit to travel'. As if any person in their right mind would travel if they weren’t? Ho hum – mustn’t get started on insurance again.

So, off for the weekend! Over and out