check up time again…

Check up on the horizon. Bah. And here I am, having a GREAT day just 2 weeks before…why am I worrying??

Trying to be normal. But it  makes me drink too much, smoke too much [giving THAT shit up soon!!], talk too much [well, 'gibber' would probably be the operative word actually - think 'bouncing off the walls'...] - I stand in my garden looking at the flowers and cry for no reason.  My behaviour is erratic. I am out of control a lot of the time. I think about death. A lot.  STILL!! Why?

My husband is an angel when this is going on. This week he brought me flowers for no reason. He understands, and he lets me 'get on with it'. He doesn't judge me or hassle me or question me - he allows for lunacy, and he allows for bad behaviour. Thank goodness for that. Not many people are so forgiving.

I'm not sure how I'd cope without him actually. I have total free reign…I can do whatever I need or want to, for a limited time, and know there is always someone to save me if I push it too far. A safety net. I need that, as I am an addictive personality and a crazy person at the best of times - the FH helps me survive myself.

It's odd - I STILL can't cope. I do cope - but I don't. Pathetic really. But I am not so far from the diagnosis and surgery and chemo that I feel safe yet. I do wonder if I ever will. Feel 'safe' I mean. I hope I will. Eventually. I am sure I will - but when? I still starkly remember being bald. I still remember the shocking pain in my legs from chemo. I recall the night I had to phone the ward because I suddenly developed a burning rash. I recall being frightened quite a lot. And trying so hard to hide that.

I mean, at the end of the day, I'm not a weakling, I'm not new to this. So why do I have a total meltdown at each check up?? I think I know why - because at each check up, there's the chance that MAYBE this time the cancer may have returned. Quite often with ovarian cancer there are no symptoms of recurrence until it's late in the day. That sucks. No matter what you do, it could be there, sneaking about, ravaging your insides - and you'd never know. Fuck. It's so frustrating. And so scary.

BUT - hey ho, we have to KBO eh? Churchill understood the dangers of defeatism and poor morale as a soldier and leader, so he set the example needed to inspire others around him…and he kept “buggering on.” Well, I shall just do that.

Bugger…on.