Thursday, 8 July 2010

check up time again…

DSC_0130 Check up on the horizon. Bah. And here I am, having a GREAT day just 2 weeks before…why am I worrying??

Trying to be normal. But it  makes me drink too much, smoke too much [giving THAT shit up soon!!], talk too much [well, 'gibber' would probably be the operative word actually - think 'bouncing off the walls'...] - I stand in my garden looking at the flowers and cry for no reason.  My behaviour is erratic. I am out of control a lot of the time. I think about death. A lot.  STILL!! Why?

My husband is an angel when this is going on. This week he brought me flowers for no reason. He understands, and he lets me 'get on with it'. He doesn't judge me or hassle me or question me - he allows for lunacy, and he allows for bad behaviour. Thank goodness for that. Not many people are so forgiving.

I'm not sure how I'd cope without him actually. I have total free reign…I can do whatever I need or want to, for a limited time, and know there is always someone to save me if I push it too far. A safety net. I need that, as I am an addictive personality and a crazy person at the best of times - the FH helps me survive myself.

It's odd - I STILL can't cope. I do cope - but I don't. Pathetic really. But I am not so far from the diagnosis and surgery and chemo that I feel safe yet. I do wonder if I ever will. Feel 'safe' I mean. I hope I will. Eventually. I am sure I will - but when? I still starkly remember being bald. I still remember the shocking pain in my legs from chemo. I recall the night I had to phone the ward because I suddenly developed a burning rash. I recall being frightened quite a lot. And trying so hard to hide that.

I mean, at the end of the day, I'm not a weakling, I'm not new to this. So why do I have a total meltdown at each check up?? I think I know why - because at each check up, there's the chance that MAYBE this time the cancer may have returned. Quite often with ovarian cancer there are no symptoms of recurrence until it's late in the day. That sucks. No matter what you do, it could be there, sneaking about, ravaging your insides - and you'd never know. Fuck. It's so frustrating. And so scary.

BUT - hey ho, we have to KBO eh? Churchill understood the dangers of defeatism and poor morale as a soldier and leader, so he set the example needed to inspire others around him…and he kept “buggering on.” Well, I shall just do that.



  1. My heart goes out to you l'o, but you look radiantly healthy to me! My mom deals with this same thing, and also wonders if she'll ever fell safe again...I don't think any of us who have been touched by something like this ever feel safe again, but maybe "safe" was always just an illusion anyway. We could worry our selves silly about cancer, and step off a curb, and be hit by a Mack truck 2moro...Lets all live it up! Prayers for you...

  2. Awaiting results tomorrow of my own tests...I don't voice it aloud...but yeah, I'm right where you are. Wondering. Worrying.

    By the your photo!

  3. thanks!!

    don't worry - psychological I am sure [in my case anyway]. Good luck!!!

    touch base here - let me know how you get on.

  4. I wish I could take your worries away. I've been trying to 'forget' about my check ups. It has been interfering with my space-time continuum, but for me, it works. I kept thinking my appointment was two weeks away, when it was only days away. I am great at self-deception! :)
    Hang in there Sandhy. Worrying never accomplishes anything but I know it is hard not to be stressed. Big hugs!

  5. Keep strong - you have too much to do this year without worrying about such trivia!!!! Remember the kind words of advice you gave me only recently about these damn checks. Big Hugs xxx

  6. Just checking back in to say that my blood test for CA-125 turned out super! My worry was for naught. I don't know why this particular test fretted me so, but it did. And now I am greatly relieved of that worry. At least for now!
    Have courage, Woman! I'm waving a high five from Iowa in the USA.

  7. yippee!! high five from Devon!brilliant news :o)

  8. Wishing you all the very best. I am with you in spirit holding your hand. Have courage X

  9. thanks sweetie - I reckon it will be ok...crossed fingers anyway eh? ;o)

  10. Just popped over to wish you luck and let you know you are completely normal to get antsy waiting for results of a checkup. I have been cancer free for almost 8 years and every year I go through the same thing. When I look at my remaining boob I wonder if it is growing a cancer....having cancer does not allow us to have the common cold or flu anymore.....we always think it may be something else.
    Keeping you in my prayers.......:-) Hugs


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