brilliant breast cancer advert

and why am I so idle?

I know. Blah – sorry about not posting. I AM alive! AND kicking! Doing another of these mad cycles next year – 400km across Cuba this time. Uff.

Life is chaotic – I'm sure you all have the same problem. Going to do this, going to do that – in a minute; after I do THIS [which is urgent] and after that. Everything is URGENT – particularly in the world of print/publishing. People seem to think that they can give you a [publisher / word / Coleslaw = CorelDraw] file one day, and that, as a graphic designer you will magic it to be 500 printed fliers within two days…well. Never gonna happen. But what DOES happen is the graphic designer gets totally stressed and calls about 90 printers, the printers go bonkers and send demented quotes and the client – well, they go out for lunch and enjoy a nice glass of Chablis and a salmon fishcake…

Which is precisely what I did today! I am usually a non-luncher – which is to say I normally eat something over the keyboard and quickly at that. Today however, I went straight from a client meeting at 9.00 to an exhibition [such as it was] at 11.00 – in between I did an 'urgent' car sales advert, found my cats and applied some makeup. Ugh. Frenzy for a person with the residuals of chemo brain.

Then, after the 'exhibition', a friend of mine, whom I went to said exhibition with, said we should go to lunch. I nearly said no, but then had a wild moment and said yes. I am so glad I did – what a delightful change! We sat in the window of the hotel, had a drink apiece and a light lunch. Met the friends charming son, and planned his future :) It really made a nice day.

Thanks Shaun for that – some little things can make your whole week different. And another absolutely fabulous thing – one of my clients MIGHT sponsor my event t-shirts! Getting on that tomorrow, but seems he might pay for production if his logo is all over the back – bring it on! Logos of whoever – who cares? ..if they generate funds? bring 'em on!!

the Scar Project - battle scars

I just got home from a long evening of waiting tables…my feet are killing me [or trying to] and I am shattered. But I need to have a space between work and sleep, so I thought I'd pick up my email. LOTS of email as I tend to neglect it these days, as I'm not at the computer so much.

Then I thought I'd just check the blog feeds. And I read a post by Daria.  The video is moving - and this link is also very interesting.

Breast cancer is not about 'cute pink' things. Sort of like Ovarian cancer is not about cute teal things. It's about real women fighting for their lives - and their lives are forever changed by the aftershocks of whatever cancer they have had. The physical scarring, the mental scarring - the constant deliberations about what 'could' or 'might be' after such a life changing event.

To quote from the article: "Breast cancer charities have been very successful with their society balls, pink ribbon days, fun runs, and mass bikini walks. They glamorise breast cancer to the point where the charity is almost dissociated from the disease. The ribbons are a desirable fashion statement, their events peppered with celebrities; they are the place to be if you want to be photographed with the glitterati."

I liked that the writer went back and photographed the billboard - he was that disturbed by the reality of the image.

Interesting that something so horrible can become 'glamorous' in the eyes of the world. But I am sure [I know] that it's NOT in the eyes of the women struck with breast cancer. NO cancer is glamorous. Cancer is repulsive.

This post from Daria. I have copied it straight from her blog:

"According to the website, The SCAR Project is a series of large-scale portraits of young breast cancer survivors shot by fashion photographer David Jay.

The pictures are all of women between the ages 18 and 35. All the ladies are topless and bear the physical scars of breast cancer."

This video is not for the faint hearted. And I am suddenly grateful for my sore feet. At least  am here to HAVE sore feet…

I think a video of the scarring resultant from Ovarian cancer would be a good thing too - the scars will not be as emotive to many, as a scarred belly is not the same as a scarred breast. A scarred breast is a direct hit at a woman's psyche. But they are nonetheless battle scars we wear. Cut open from breast bone to pubic bone - it's a Battle Scar.

crushed or not?

yesterday was one of those stupid stupid days. I had a brilliant morning, attending the RD&E Cancer Services User and Carers group. It was interesting. Users basically means 'patient'. And we are able to contribute and give feedback on our local services, in order to try to improve the overall service that the NHS gives. A good idea - but rather complicated to implement.

I left the meeting in high spirits. Got home to my Tax return - shriek! I have a lot of tax to pay from last years earnings, even though I have paid half in advance and have earned hardly anything since December. This is called 'payment on account'. But it seems I can call the tax office and arrange interest free payments over a period of time. Guess what I'm doing Monday.

Then I checked my email to see if anything had come of the interview of the day before. NO. Nothing. Nada. Grr.  I went into a sort of tailspin. Cried all afternoon. Too many bad things happening for the last two years - gets exhausting although 99% of the time, I am positive. But it just felt like I was about to be crushed flat by circumstances. Couldn't wait for the FH to get home. He's a calming spirit. So the evening was an improvement.

Then today I went for my mammogram - turns out it wasn't one at all. It was a physical check up and chat. Ok. The mammogram will be scheduled shortly. But the check up did my head in, as she asked 'what were my thoughts if I were genetically predisposed to breast/ovarian cancer'. Oh. Right. Lots of thoughts - most of them starting with a loud scream!! Goodbye Zen mode.

After having a BRCA gene test performed, you learn whether you carry an inherited BRCA gene mutation and receive an estimate of your personal risk of breast cancer and ovarian cancer. Then [and this is a very basic précis] you decide whether or not you wish to have a double mastectomy and rebuild right NOW, or wait until you get breast cancer and decide then. FUCK!!

Well. Sorry - but that's not in my Book of Things To Worry About This Week. So we decided we'd discuss this next year. Apparently I can have the gene test any time, and it will only be one week until I get my results. Hmm.

And yes, I spent the rest of today in a cold sweat. Usually the specialists judge this on family history - but as I have no reliable information, they have to start with me. It's scary. But I am not on that pathway right now. I feel that my control mechanism of having the check ups, the mammograms, etc. is enough for the moment. It gives me a sense of control - and IF anything goes wrong, ideally it will be caught soon enough to avoid a mastectomy anyway. God. What a thought.

Makes me feel sick. But I am actually considering having the gene test - because I have two brothers which it may affect. I hope not.

After this, I visited a dear friend on the upper floor - he was in agony when I arrived, and I had to leave quite quickly. Bloody day of gloom for sure. Hopefully things will improve all round next week.

So not the best week!!  Although today was 26 degrees - a gift for sure. We had a bbq on the patio. It was lovely.

update part 02

So you'll remember me nattering on about the constant pain in my left side. Which we thought was a 'backed up' bowel. Well, as Renninson was going in there anyway, he said he'd have a look to see if he could sort that out. The main worry was that due to existing scar tissue, he wouldn't be able to see anything and we might have to resort to open surgery again. Noooo!

But luckily, he [report wording] "had a good view of the pelvis". Yay – I am so glad. Being filled up with air for no good reason would have been a tad peevish. It turned out to be an adhesion causing a 'loaded left colon, adherent across the anterior pelvis and to the right pelvic side wall'.

Here's a picture of the bowel being pushed against the wall of my pelvis by a revolting looking adhesion. Looks rather throttled – Renninson said it was causing what amounts to a kink in my bowel, plus it was stuck to the pelvic wall.

Here it is after the adhesion has been cut away. No wonder it hurt so much.

The rest of the report went so: "Normal peritoneum across rest of abdomen" [this is a GOOD thing!]. And this is the interesting bit: "Small bowel loop adherent to RIGHT pelvic side wall at the site of the Abnormality on the Scan. No peritoneal abnormality below adhesions." So the Abnormality was also caused by an adhesion! Ha!! And double ha!

This is that bit. The Suspicious Object.

So he divided all the adhesions, mobilised the bowel and freed the small loop from the right wall of my pelvis. Then he took a peritoneal biopsy from the site of the Abnormality. Which we shall hear about in a few weeks when I have my oncologists appointment.

Apparently I have dissolvable stitches and GLUE holding me together at the moment. Hmm. No-one actually told me when I can take the dressings off.

Interestingly, as I was leaving I was told by the ward nurse that I could have a shower as the dressings are waterproof. They don't look very waterproof to me, and as that same nurse told me I would bleed heavily for two weeks due to the blue dye they inserted into my uterus…well, I don't actually have much faith in her at all. I don't HAVE a uterus!

And good job I knew about the blue dye BEFORE I went in [thanks www] or I would have had a heart attack when I went to the toilet after the surgery. So today I managed a bath without getting my dressings wet, as I was covered in iodine and blood. Yuck! Too delirious to risk it last night, and it took ages as I was worried about falling unconscious in the water - but I feel much better now.

This same nurse was a right grump, and as I had been there longer than her, was more tired than her, had just had surgery and wanted some sensible answers, she's quite lucky I didn't batter her with a bedpan.

But at the end of the day, what a brilliant result. Once the biopsy confirms that it isn't cancer at all, then we will seriously celebrate.

I don't think I've ever been so stressed as the last few weeks. So glad THAT'S over. Now just to heal up and oh, Friday I have a mammogram! Hahaha – never ends…

another weird experience

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

Today I am going for a mammogram [get that atrocious picture! the poor woman looks as if she’s ready to bash someone!]. Every time some new thing happens I go into a demented type of research mode. Yay, the internet - cold, concise facts. And lots of them. About everything.

It does sound like it's going to be a rather repulsive experience, having ones breasts crushed in a weird metal thing - it could ONLY have been designed by a man...but it has been niggling the back of my mind that it would be a good idea. And once the thought is in there, I have to do something about it or drive myself insane.

In the US it's seems that it's the norm to be sent for one after chemo/surgery etc. Here I have had to ask for it - which I don't mind, as it seems that if you do ask about stuff, you get a result. The trouble is that not everyone would think to ask, or know what to ask. Seeing that OC and breast cancer are closely linked got my little brain buzzing, and I asked my GP about it.

Apparently they don't usually do them [here in the UK] until you are 50 and/or menopausal. This is because the breast tissue becomes less dense around then, and it's easier for them to actually see things properly. In other countries women have one after they turn 40, once a year. Oh yes, I also noted that "there is no evidence that breast screening below the age of 50 is cost effective." Cost effective?? Oh really? I would love to meet the person who decided that little gem. Bastard. I'll cost effectively thump him.

So I told my GP I do rather FEEL about 50 at the moment, I AM menopausal and either he sorts it out or I'll need therapy [and he'll need a body cast]...he found that highly amusing, and he sorted it within a week. Pretty good going. I was even able to choose my appointment time on the internet - yay! I love technology. And I love that I am in a place where I get excellent treatment. I feel very lucky.

Back to the mammogram; apparently women in the UK have 2 pictures taken: one from above and one from the side. I was reading about how they do it etc. and my hair stood on end! But, I know it'll be reassuring, and I'm pleased I'm having it even though it's making me nervous. It only takes a few minutes. I also read not to wear any deodorant, perfume, lotion or powder under your arms or on your breasts on the day of your mammogram appointment. These things can make shadows show up on your mammogram. Hmm - interesting!

What fun eh? heh heh - think I'll scrub the bathroom later! Action always helps my nerves...though why I am nervous I can't imagine, it'll be a walk in the park compared to the stuff I went through last year. And yes, I KNOW everyone has one, and I KNOW it’s uncomfortable, and may even be painful - and I don’t care. It'll be good for my brain. Anyway, the first time you have something is always the worst as you don't quite know what to expect. Next time it'll be a doddle!

Expect a detailed report on The Horrible Breast Crushing Experience later...