Friday, 21 May 2010

crushed or not?

yesterday was one of those stupid stupid days. I had a brilliant morning, attending the RD&E Cancer Services User and Carers group. It was interesting. Users basically means 'patient'. And we are able to contribute and give feedback on our local services, in order to try to improve the overall service that the NHS gives. A good idea - but rather complicated to implement.

I left the meeting in high spirits. Got home to my Tax return - shriek! I have a lot of tax to pay from last years earnings, even though I have paid half in advance and have earned hardly anything since December. This is called 'payment on account'. But it seems I can call the tax office and arrange interest free payments over a period of time. Guess what I'm doing Monday.

Then I checked my email to see if anything had come of the interview of the day before. NO. Nothing. Nada. Grr.  I went into a sort of tailspin. Cried all afternoon. Too many bad things happening for the last two years - gets exhausting although 99% of the time, I am positive. But it just felt like I was about to be crushed flat by circumstances. Couldn't wait for the FH to get home. He's a calming spirit. So the evening was an improvement.

Then today I went for my mammogram - turns out it wasn't one at all. It was a physical check up and chat. Ok. The mammogram will be scheduled shortly. But the check up did my head in, as she asked 'what were my thoughts if I were genetically predisposed to breast/ovarian cancer'. Oh. Right. Lots of thoughts - most of them starting with a loud scream!! Goodbye Zen mode.

After having a BRCA gene test performed, you learn whether you carry an inherited BRCA gene mutation and receive an estimate of your personal risk of breast cancer and ovarian cancer. Then [and this is a very basic précis] you decide whether or not you wish to have a double mastectomy and rebuild right NOW, or wait until you get breast cancer and decide then. FUCK!!

Well. Sorry - but that's not in my Book of Things To Worry About This Week. So we decided we'd discuss this next year. Apparently I can have the gene test any time, and it will only be one week until I get my results. Hmm.

And yes, I spent the rest of today in a cold sweat. Usually the specialists judge this on family history - but as I have no reliable information, they have to start with me. It's scary. But I am not on that pathway right now. I feel that my control mechanism of having the check ups, the mammograms, etc. is enough for the moment. It gives me a sense of control - and IF anything goes wrong, ideally it will be caught soon enough to avoid a mastectomy anyway. God. What a thought.

Makes me feel sick. But I am actually considering having the gene test - because I have two brothers which it may affect. I hope not.

After this, I visited a dear friend on the upper floor - he was in agony when I arrived, and I had to leave quite quickly. Bloody day of gloom for sure. Hopefully things will improve all round next week.

So not the best week!!  Although today was 26 degrees - a gift for sure. We had a bbq on the patio. It was lovely.


  1. A couple of things:
    Better to FEEL sick than be sick.

    And when you went to visit your friend, on the upper floor, was the visit the cause of his agony?

  2. Even us very positive girlies have days when we think 'enough already'. And you had one yesterday for sure.
    I recognised it when you said when a lot of bad stuff keeps happening it gets exhausting.. damned right. But paradoxically, it is these things that give us the strength to come back and deal with stuff full on and face on.
    You will make the best decision for you about the gene test and the way forward, and you know you will get there in the time frame that is right for you. When you find the mental and physical resources, you will make a move.
    Today is another day girl- and it will be a good one

  3. actually it was touch and go as to the being sick!!

    and yes, today was a good one :o)

  4. Hope this week will be a great one for you (((hugs))). I hear you had a heat wave on the weekend:) Take good care and sending special thoughts♥


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