Monday, 17 May 2010

smoking and smugness

DSC_0024 Look at this picture - it's my grand daughter - such freedom…had to share it!

I am feeling rather smug. Or maybe that should read 'surprised'. Not sure. I have managed to lose 6 pounds/3 kilos of the chemo weight gain [hmm - yep, smug it is! bloody steroids!] AND at the same time I have managed to cut back on my smoking by at least half. Maybe more. Yay me. And this is not due to any nagging by anyone [I do make a point of NOT listening to peeps who 'advise' me on my life]. It is due to thinking. Oh, and exercise. Of which I shall be doing more very soon. Not because I like it, but because I NEED it.

I think a lot about this smoking thing. People who don't smoke now; ex-smokers for instance [ugh - they are the worst for being sanctimonious] and those who have never smoked, seem to think that all smokers are a pack of thoughtless, inconsiderate fools who just don't care. Well, I for one, do. Every time I light a cigarette, I am thinking about it. I enjoy smoking, don't get me wrong. And there's the thing. I wish I didn't! And actually, as I am now smoking less, I enjoy it more. Grr. What's that all about?? But every time I light a cigarette, I wonder what the hell I am doing - of course, that doesn't stop me. I've been smoking for 33 years. It's not that easy to up sticks and not do it. But maybe I am getting there. I hope so. A smoke free Sandhy would be rather nice. I think…

Another thing - I am totally stunned by how generous people are being for the Women V Cancer cycle!!  It's amazing - thank you so much everyone who has already donated. I know very well that everyone is having a hard time right now - so, thanks!! I am truly touched.

Last night we went out for dinner with friends - it was fab - lovely people, hilarious conversation and wonderful food. Usually I don't eat lamb, in fact I NEVER eat lamb [greasy - ugh!!] - but actually it was a delicious and delightful meal. Lots of fun. Lots of vegetables! Until I awoke this morning feeling as if my head had been hit by a dump truck at full speed… But at this moment, I love my life - honestly, even having no job [this is bad] I am enjoying life to the limit. I am almost crazy with how good life is…bring it on!! A little worrying, as it sometimes seems as if when things are good, some ghastly thing is waiting in the wings to happen…

The only horrible thing this week has been that some of my friends are dealing with recurrence. That totally sucks; it really does. But, having that thought at the back of my mind all the time [that I too may have a recurrence at some point], it's a good thing to know how other women cope. It's a good thing to be in touch with them. Just in case. They are so brave. But I so hope I never have to deal with that. It would really be a nightmare. And I'm not so sure I can deal with those type of nightmares any more. Can I?


  1. The photo of your grand-daughter is enchanting. :)

  2. I've never smoked but I love and I mean love chocolate. I should give it up because it isn't good for me and, like you, am still trying to lose the chemo lbs! We all have our weaknesses the difference between nicotine and chocolate is that chocolate is socially acceptable. I am cutting down but can't quite give it up - it's a little guilty pleasure that helps me get through some pretty dismal times. You keep with it Sandhy and enjoy your wonderful grandaughter - what joy she must bring.


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