confused

I am a little bit confused. On one hand, I am so proud of myself for doing the Kenya Cycle – I don't really 'get' the other girls post Kenya depression thing – I am still totally wired that I actually did such a thing! I was back in my heart – my Africa!  Can't believe it actually…I would NEVER have thought I could do something like that. On the other hand, I was completely down waiting for a few horrible dates to go by. One, the day Dad died. Two, my Dad's birthday. Three, my check up. Oh, and then of course I am supposed to enjoy Christmas!! Riiight…like THAT is ever going to happen. I honestly don't think I will ever look forward to Christmas again. Every year, something horrible happens in December.

Christmas? No thank you. We are working Christmas day.

The confusion here is feeling great about an achievement I never expected to achieve – and feeling completely wrecked about things in my life that I can't control. WHY can't things just be enjoyable? WHY is there always, always something horrible to overshadow something joyful? It sucks.

BUT – I had fabulous news. You will recall me mentioning my Aunt had cancer – well, NO MORE! She is completely in remission! Best Christmas present ever.

And I, in the meantime, was wondering [as always] if I am still in remission or not. That's the thing you see – we walk the days wondering. We wait for results. We hope for the best [oh yes we are SO British!] we ask little – merely no cancer please. Please. 

A few of my friends have recurred..it sounds so simple doesn't it? Oh you have a recurrence? 'So sorry'…but the word recurrence for an ovarian cancer survivor is like waving a noose. It's like a death sentence. In most cases. We do NOT have a place where we can't worry.
I do try not to worry. But it's impossible actually.

So today's check up was rather fraught [two weeks in advance fraughtness]. But the result was brilliant. I am STILL in remission!! CA 125 was 10 [raised again but hey ho] and the physical was also ok. YAY! This was all achieved whilst a raging fire alarm was going off, the hospital has gone mad – new extension, so builders and bollards everywhere, NO parking and total chaos…NOT helpful.

But, fab result notwithstanding, my cat is lost :(
Here's Bear. She has very distinctive eyes.

She disappeared before the storm we had…2 days ago now. I am beside myself with worry and have asked everyone I know for help. Local radio stations, neighbours, etc. and they've all been brilliant. But still no sign.
If you see her, please bring her to the nearest vet – she is chipped, so they will call me. Thank you!

really good news

These last few weeks have been great. Random thought here; after a call from my Mum, I was thinking about my Dad more than usual, as of course she mentioned him – he is [as always with all my family] never far from my mind. This  quote is so apt for how I feel about him. I am sure he is still looking out for us. For me.

"a word I want to see written on my grave: I am alive like you, and I am standing beside you. Close your eyes and look around, you will see me in front of you ..."

≈ Kahlil Gibran

Sometimes I can close my eyes and imagine him there – just having a smoke with me outside. I miss that. We used to ‘shoot the sh*t’ as the Americans say. Waffle, as we say here in the UK. Or  [and this is odd, as we didn’t do it often] ordering a drink at the bar? The mind is a convoluted thing.

And yes, I know – I haven’t posted for an age. That would be because I have been so busy that it’s doing my head in! So stop complaining. My life is a never ending chaos. But let me stop there and do a sort of précis. Which will be weird.

In December 2009 I was given one weeks notice [by email!] that my ten year contract was not going to be renewed. OK. But no time to find a new job in December as everyone was ‘doing Christmas’. Thanks very much for ‘no notice’! Grr. Uncivil. Plus I’d just had a scan in December showing ‘something’ [which we ALL assumed was a recurrence] blah. Stress. Until the end of Feb. Once the results were in, you’d think I’d have been ok right? WRONG! I was devastated. I felt so betrayed. By everything – and quite a few people too. It took me until March to even bother to pay the bills. Not good – I had a LOT of calls to make! One thousand dramas…didn’t want to leave the house etc etc…

For the rest of 2010 [once I got a grip], we struggled to make ends meet – literally. We cancelled our pensions. We extended our mortgage. Well, the FH did all that, as I was useless. I got to work doing gardening, cleaning, painting and decorating – with the odd bit of graphic work thrown in. Anything at all. Just work – find it, do it, get paid. Lots of this was down to dear friends Judi and Julie.

So last year was filled with running from one place to another – feeling like screaming at times. Most days really.

But I was applying for jobs every morning before zooming off to whatever job I had that day, and networking as much as possible – and trying like hell to avoid having to apply for benefit. Eventually, we got to a place where had to – but before I managed to fill in the forms, we had a piece of amazing luck. The FH’s accountant put me in touch with a marketing company – they looked at my portfolio and here’s the serious précis bit – they have now decided to employ me as one of their freelancers!! I am a graphic designer again! woop! I did my last day at the Salt Mines this morning! I will still go there for work if they need me, as it’s an excellent fitness routine, but the delightful thing IS, that I won’t HAVE to go there. Deep joy!

So that's why the last few weeks have been so great [and so chaotic] – non-stop work from morning until late at night [poor FH – we cross like ships in the night at the moment!], while I’ve still been doing cleaning etc. Things should even out now, as I am doing just the bar and waitressing at the Quay plus the graphic design work – Bring It On!! Lets hope this year is a GOOD year!

Here are the Wild Things just this week:

Poor little sausages are off to the vet to be chipped and spayed on Friday - £150.00!! Thank goodness I have work now….crazy how things work out isn’t it??

yay!

so, a quick post – last week I had my 6 month check up. Boring boring I know…but I have been totally stressed with it being 6 WHOLE months…even though I know very well that IF I had a recurrence, those months make very little difference to the outcome of eventual treatment. But still. Logic and emotion don’t know one another in the cancery brain.

My CA 125 is one point down from last time – it’s 8. YAY!! Last time it was 9. Mine seems to fluctuate between 6 and 9. Good for me – well within the norms of 0>35. Although that means it hasn’t actually moved at all in real terms, it’s still a relief. 1 point up or down is nothing – a move of +30 is a worry.

My only problem right now seems to be some kind of bowel impaction. Where the cancer had spread to the bowel, they scraped it – so now the bowel [a very easily irritated thing – how dare it after all this drama!?] does weird things. The adhesions don’t help. It's painful and I need to get it sorted. Sometimes I am limping. What? Er – not ideal.  But for now, I am just so happy to be cancer free that the bowel thing can wait until next week…I will be off to the GP for drugs - woo – love drugs! Brilliant things!

In the meantime I am running like a mad woman – off to Stoke for the fundraiser tomorrow…

Then back home again Saturday night so I can start a new graphic design job which has a VERY tight deadline. Wednesday!! EEEK! Cleaning at the Salt Mines on Monday and Tuesday morning…and SO glad to be able to do it…never mind how ghastly it is – I can do it!!

In the meantime; I can no longer use Skype, as the Wild Things ATE the cable to the microphone! Then this evening they managed to knock a glass of wine into the keyboard…thank goodness for hairdryers…and then, Lily fell in to the bath. Super - a stress free evening. Not!

But they are adorable, and becoming very affectionate – see here; Lily…

and Bear…

the straw that broke the camels back

or almost anyway. I have been considering the last four weeks. which brought me to consider the last three years - which brought me to almost screaming point once I looked at everything back to back. I am wondering how exactly one knows when a nervous breakdown is imminent. Maybe one doesn't realise one is having one at all? Perhaps once you constantly feel like screaming, crying or hiding, battering people with ones handbag, you're there already…

I appear to be living in 'interesting times'. Purportedly a Chinese curse. Christmas is definitely NOT a good time in our house. My diagnosis 3 years ago was just after Christmas. The FH's mum got ill at Christmas and died in the February - then I lost my contract last Christmas because I couldn't go to Portugal as I needed a scan [yeah, I know…sucks right?]. Self same scan [yes, you guessed it - just before Christmas] found 'something'. We spent a torturous month of December into January wondering if I had a recurrence, until, thankfully, I had the laparoscopy and was pronounced clear. THAT seemed a miracle. Probably it was. And I am grateful for it.

This Christmas my father died. And possibly, this is starting to sound like a great big self pitying whinge. But to be honest , I am merely trying to get my head around such a never ending [for me] catalogue of disasters…big things, little things…one after the other. I start to feel like the losing boxer in the ring - the one who simply falls all over the place bleeding from the nose and looking confused. Is the expression punch drunk? maybe. That's how I feel. We are exhausted with it all.

Today was absolutely a perfect microcosm of our lives right now. The ABS on the car is playing up - the windscreen washer won't work, the extractor hood over the cooker has exploded, the Wild Things smash something every single day [we are getting a very 'minimalist' look here at home]…

And, last Thursday 23rd my pc blue screened. Fffftzzz….the end. Called Dell, whom I have a 'next day service' warranty with [thanks Pete!]. they didn't come the next day - they came today!! Almost a week later. And when they came, they brought the wrong drivers…the wrong drivers?!? WTF!?? So I am still without a machine, and that's with two new clients to do work for. I lost 2 hours of Chalet bashing wages to come home for the technician and that happens?

I started work at 7.00. I was NOT amused. I raced back to do a bit more bashing after the Dell catastrophe…I had a hair appointment at 1.30. Raced onto the dual carriageway from the Salt Mine and what ho! Stuck in a traffic jam for 40 minutes [usually an 8 minute trip]. ABS lights flashing madly on the dash. Washers not working. Screen covered in salt. Joy.

Had my hair chopped off eventually. Hoorah. One success. It does look rather nice too - thanks to the FH and his Christmas day dishwashing attack - all the money he earned, he gave me to have my hair done. darling man. Blessings that keep one sane.

Raced home [again!!] - got on the phone to Dell. Having stewed away under all that peroxide at the hairdressers I had my shouting down pat. Very merrily raised total HELL with the delightfully polite Indian fellow I was transferred to [yes, I was being DIFFICULT - as in, demanding a decent service!!]. Every time he said 'but…' I said 'DO NOT BUT..' and carried on regardless - it was interesting to say the least, and surprisingly, they are following my rather sharply issued commands…well, we'll see if they do anyway. 'Come tomorrow after 3.00'. 'Call me and tell me exactly WHAT they intend to do to recompense me for 3 days lost wages'…I want an extension of my warranty - and told him he better NOT call me unless he is going to give me one…one that is actually honoured!

Grr. Tomorrow they are coming AGAIN. This time, I am going to lock the technician in the house until my bloody computer is working!!

Soon I have my check up. Tomorrow I need to book in for my bloods. A 6 month gap has made me VERY nervous. Can you tell?

Shriek!!!

the wild things

I saw this today and almost fell over laughing - must be funny, I haven't felt like laughing all week. In fact I am a miserable unmotivated Blot on the Landscape right now…so, here's something to cheer us up.

This is JUST what goes on in our house ALL the time at the moment…the Wild Things are causing havoc…and wrecking the joint. 

 

and I daresay this is what the Christmas Tree would be like as far as Bear is concerned…hmm, perhaps give it a miss this year. Or get the video camera out in preparation for the flying baubles, flying cats and demented FH. He isn't taking very kindly to the Random Shredding of Stuff.

and this is just hilarious. Thank you Simon Tofield

idiots and neighbours

to go back to cancery stuff [ which I've been trying to avoid!] - I am still having sharp and odd pains in my belly. I am sure they are merely adhesions…but I am also thinking that 6 months is a LONG time between check ups. Even though I am so busy running from pillar to post…it weighs on my mind.

I can't quite get my head around it. All the pain is in the left hand side of my lower abdomen. Nothing happened there? Except scraping of the bowel where the cancer had spread from the ovary. Well, seems the bowel didn't think much of that and complains eternally. I hope. It makes me nervous though. Recurrence is never THAT far from my mind. Sadly.

Anyway, onward and upward! Some days, life is full of shit. really - it's infuriating, but sometimes the little things [the really meaningless things] can drive you completely sparko! Take today. I needed to go to the bank, and I needed cat food for the Small Beasties. I like to use small local shops [I am Mrs Anti-Sainsbury's-Taking-Over-The-World] and if the price is right, I'll use them. So off I went to the local 'centre' which has a load of little shops, including a really cool pet shop.

Got my kitten food, bread from the baker and did the banking [ha ha]. Felt rather jolly about the whole day so far.

I got into the car preparing to leave, and there was a woman getting into her small Gold Thing next to me. There was a horrendous wind today. She opened her rear passenger door, and the wind caught it - BANG! Into my rear passenger side panel. With force. I looked over, and she was merrily leaping into her Gold Thing, preparing to drive off. uh - I don't think so!! I leapt out of the car and asked her to stop [she would have had to run me over to leave].

I informed her that she had put a rather large dent in my Beemer. And that I'd like her insurance details please. She said she hadn't dented my car. I was astonished. And cross - and the more cross I become, the more polite and snotty I become. We had 'words'. I tried to explain to her that the obvious large scrape of gold [good grief - a gold car…ffft] paint on my dark blue car was from her door. She wasn't having it. Obviously [in her teeny brain - brain?? what brain??] IF her door had dented my car, there would be paint missing from her door. NOT!! Grr.

THEN she told me not to be 'stroppy'. Oh dear - like a red rag to a bull. Stroppy? And there was me, thinking I was being so restrained as I hadn't actually throttled her…some people have no idea at all about rage. I informed her that if she thought I was being stroppy [what a repulsive word!] she had yet to see true 'stroppiness' and should just push me a little harder in order to find out what it really is.

I think I must have looked quite scary [I tend to go bright white when I am furious], as she then said sorry and asked if I was 'all right'. DOH!! Obviously I was not!!

Eventually I got her phone and name - I hope. Not too serious if she gave the wrong details, as I took a photo of her car reg. And I have contacts in the police. So I will find her if she lied.

The whole point it this - if she'd just apologised, I'd have let it go. Who needs the hassle. It's a dent- there are far worse things, as we know. But she lied. I hate that. It will be interesting to see what happens when I call her for her details. I've had a quote - we will see.

Afterward I went round to my friend Claire - her husband is a brilliant artist and Body Shop person. He had a look at the car [in the pitch dark and rain - had to park under a lamp post!] and is confident it can be repaired for a reasonable amount. Claire supplied a calming glass of wine and lots of really neighbourly and 'friendy' type chat. And some headache tablets. :) I came away feeling much calmer - so lovely to have 'proper' neighbours - people who are there for you when you are at your wits end. Thanks Claire and John.

In the meantime, I have named the Wee Beasties!! Yay me!! This is Tigger Bear [Bear]:

And this is Tiger Lily [Lily]: