check up or death sentence

Astoundingly, my last blog post was over 4 months ago - slack! How time flies when you're self employed.

In February 2008, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. SIX years  and three months ago. Then, I thought that I had 0 to 5 years to live at the outside. But here I am - over SIX years out of dx…and really starting to believe it. 'It' being - I 'might' survive. Tentatively.

I have been in stasis; 'suspension of the passage of time'…and it's odd. It's almost as if everything floats away - the only thing one can think of is one's Death Sentence and getting though the day…why bother to do any of those long term things? The little rat in the brain tells one 'ah you'll just die anyway, so why bother?' So you don't.

Well, the result is that now, due to my five years of inertia, we have a LOT of stuff to do - paint the house, inside and out; redo my office, as the cats have destroyed everything in there [little beasts]; we've recently dug up the entire garden and replanted totally everything. And so on. Lots of 'normal' things…the things that everyone complains about - but that [suddenly] I can't wait to get to grips with!

Sadly, I lost a lot of friends while I was wallowing in my own 'I'm going to die' sitcom. And each one of them, whilst being heart breaking, was also terrifying … me, but not me. Each time. I loved those gutsy girls so much, and now they're gone. But each of them lives on in my heart driving me to continuously raise funds, raise awareness - just the very little I can do to try to assuage my Survivors Guilt, and to hopefully save just one woman's life by getting the symptoms out there.

This week has been a tad fraught - the FH suddenly had a brainwave that SURELY it was time for my check-up? Hmm - I'd shelved it and was a bit startled to note that it was due in June. With the new appointment system at the RD&E, you no longer get your appointment as you leave your check-up - you wait for it to arrive in the post. Which means you could get notice 2 days in advance - which means you wouldn't have time to get bloods drawn etc. Which is STRESSFUL!

Recently, I have been having 'symptoms' [read: 'hysteria']. When I was diagnosed, one of the most extreme symptoms I had was exhaustion. Not tiredness; exhaustion. I'd be working, and suddenly HAVE to put my head on the desk, as I simply couldn't hold it up any more. And I have this now. And for the last two weeks.

Renninson [my surgeon and life saver] told me that IF I were to have a recurrence, the symptoms would be the same as they were initially. [couldn't work that one out at all - how is that possible, with no ovaries?]. And the last few weeks this remark has been bouncing around my skull like a death knell. In addition, I have had shocking pain in my gut - enough to double me over and stop me in my tracks. Always in the place where I had the laparoscopy, or where the initial tumour was. So more than likely adhesions right? And pain in my bones - my back, my wrists, my knees [they make a very alarming crunching sound on the way downstairs] - even my feet.

So I called my cancer nurse, the lovely Gail, and asked about my next appointment. We had a chat about what I've just mentioned and she said she'd try to find out when my appointment was. Viola! She rang back and said I could go THIS Friday! Shriek! Panic stations regarding the bloods and no time. But, all sorted by Gail - I was booked into the phlebotomists at the RD&E, and just had to turn up for the Vampire Attack. Which I did yesterday.

So tomorrow, I have The Check Up. I truly believe that only people who have had cancer or some other hideous disease that can recur can understand how scary this is. It's insane, as nothing has changed since I didn't know I had a check up, but actually everything has now that I DO know I have one! Handily, I only have tonight to be petrified! I suppose it's down to the fact that there is a 50/50 chance of a recurrence. Not bad odds, but I'd prefer better. One amazing thing is that Gail the Wonder Nurse called me today to say my CA 125 is still at 7!! That is fantastic. Really. It was 1149 when I was dx. So I do feel more confident now - but it's the symptoms that the surgeons read, not the CA 125 results.

Fingers crossed for tomorrow please! And DO know the symptoms …