no time! 18 days to go!

well – what an interesting few weeks! Cycle cycle cycle and …

Sadly, the iconic Steve Jobs died...what an amazing graduation speech he made…it's gone viral. He points out that once you accept that you are going to die, you know that you really have nothing to lose in this life, so [basically] do what you have to do and the devil take the hindmost!
Makes a difference to how we interact right? Well, it should anyway.

There's an interesting post about him here. An amazing man – innovative, humble – and a visionary. He'll be missed, but will live on through his creations. To Jobs, the computer was not a mere machine: it is a stylish, trend setting device; it communicates, entertains, and brings people together. Jobs completely changed our relationship with the computer.
Steve Jobs was a man ahead of his time who died well before his time. His finger, not just “on the pulse” but pushing it like an "app".

And on a more tedious note – I have been cycling. Quite a lot. And I just wish the 29th October would hurry up and get here! I think all of us are tired of the constant need to 'Get Out on the Bike'! *sigh* – but it's got to be done…if we don't, we'll just die in Kenya [well, maybe not actually DIE but sure as hell we'll feel like it!]
Training is very important and we have to do it…but that doesn't stop us all complaining about it! In the UK there has been a lot of wind [dislike!] and of course we need to get our lazy butts up some hills [double dislike]. Hills PLUS wind…well, no comment!! Suffice to say, we're all tired of training and want to Get To It!

BUT…crap week of cleaning etc none withstanding [seems the company I was doing graphic design for has run out of work??], I had a brilliant day yesterday – it started out with a freezing morning at the Salt Mine [gloom]…but ended up being one of those days you just can't get your head around.

Story is: I've been shopping around for a pair of Oakley's. For weeks. I found them at their cheapest at £140 – so, I went mad and ordered them…only to get an email the next day saying they were out of stock! Argh! Rang up and cancelled the order – in the meantime, the Brother was advising me on eBay peeps that sell them. Great price, but no joy, as it would take 21 days for them to arrive – I have EIGHTEEN DAYS [omg!!] until the cycle, so couldn't rely on that. Stupid to try so late, but all my shekels have been going to the pot for the £290 air taxes.

The brother then rang me, demanding the details of the Oakley glasses that I want. He decided to buy them for me through his company as a 'charitable' donation – he already did a run and raised loads for me! So I resisted, as they are very expensive, he insisted [in a rather shouty voice! :) ] – and won. Brothers tend to do that. And it's just rude to keep arguing.

I got off the phone and I was in tears. Floods of them. It took me ages to sort out the email - isn't it strange how unexpected generosity makes one so emotional? He bought my Oakleys for me! As a donation!? Thank God? ER – no, thank the brother!! My eyeballs have been agony every time I go out on a ride. I have bought eye drops but they are just a reaction to a result, not a solution to a problem…and if I had to cycle through the Kenya dust and sand without a decent pair of glasses I'd probably  have a small fit. Er. No. A BIG fit!! And a crash or two…

So, thank you very much Bro…I am really touched…and ever so grateful . You've certainly saved my eyeballs from being frazzled to death! :)

And today another lovely thing – well, two actually. Good things come in threes right? My auntie and uncle donated to my fund – check this out…I have now raised £4,689.00!
AND my 'Auntie' Kay has sent me a lovely card with some Canadian dollars in it to 'get something for myself'…and to tell me she is proud of me. I have been eyeing running shoes for weeks, as mine are disintegrating. So, shoes, here we come :) Thanks Kay.

Plus, a friend got me some Buff headbands at cost – yay! They are fab and really do work.

Thank you, everyone who has helped me raise this money, and thank you to everyone who has helped me keep a semblance of confidence, which may be just as important. It means a lot – and it means I absolutely HAVE to do the cycle [I have been wavering, especially this week] just because of your confidence that I will.

And I will!!

25 days to go!

Only 25 days until we cycle 400km across Kenya? Surely not!  It doesn't seem like over a year and a half ago since I signed up for this challenge. [although some days it feels like 10 years…fund raising is a tad exhausting]

The training is going quite well, although the mental half of it has been the hardest – just getting to grips with the fact that I should be able to do it [WILL be able to!], avoiding panic and concentrating on just doing it! Unfortunately Kenya has just declared war on the Somalian militia too – but that's about 600 miles from where we are, and hopefully won't affect us. Fingers crossed. Being kidnapped really would be a bore.

The FH and I have been cycling to Budleigh and back [about 35 miles round trip with good elevations] and it's started to feel like it's too short a ride Yay! That's got to be good right? Here's the bike and me on Budleigh beach…just after being yelled at by an Old Crone for cycling down the Front…what a naughty person I am eh?

The other thing I've been struggling with is depression – what? As you, my jolly blog followers know, I am usually a most positive person – but recently I have been waging war with PTSD.

It's insidious and subtle…it makes me lethargic and uninterested. It robs my self confidence and flattens my spirit. I am trying to find my own way of coping, but if I don't sort it out soon, I'll be calling MacMillan. But I am trying to avoid that really. It's not like I don't know WHY I am depressed – it's just that I don't know how to get rid of it. Logic doesn't seem to work. Apparently it's common. But that doesn't help either. The thing is, it's intermittent – so how can I ask for help? Mostly it's to do with work – not having any really. And death. And I am tired of not doing what I'm good at, and tired of working for the minimum wage…long and short – I am peeved  in general! It's a common theme for cancery types – we just want our normal lives back – and that's never going to happen.

And the PCCI doesn't help! So horrible to think it may last 10 years or more. It's VERY frustrating, as non cancery people don't believe that it's real. Well. Take it from me – it IS. But then again, if I live for another ten years, the irritation will be worth it ;)

But all this BS aside – I am looking forward to Kenya. It's going to be an amazing experience, and an amazing achievement if I do it.  Spent Sunday with Vicky the Step Daughter, and that helped me a lot – she has such a fabulous attitude. She has changed my outlook from worried to totally NOT worried. Gotta love that!

An ice cream stop on the way back from Budleigh…

So far, I have raised £4,613.00. Please, if you can, donate now – I would love to hit K5! Donate here.

Nobel peace laureate Wangari Maathai dies in Nairobi

A member of the Greenbelt Movement holds a portrait of the 2004 Nobel Peace Prize winner, Prof Wangari Maathai, at the NGO’s office in Nairobi yesterday. Prof Maathai died of ovarian cancer. AFP

(Reuters) - Wangari Maathai, the first African woman to win the Nobel Peace Prize for her campaigns to save Kenyan forests, died in hospital on Sunday after a long struggle with ovarian cancer.

Maathai, 71, founded the Green Belt Movement in 1977 to plant trees to prevent environmental and social conditions deteriorating and hurting poor people, especially women, living in rural Kenya.

Her movement expanded in the 1980s and 1990s to embrace wider campaigns for social, economic and political change, setting her on a collision course with the government of the then-president, Daniel arap Moi. Maathai, who won the Peace Prize in 2004, had to endure being whipped, tear-gassed and threatened with death for her devotion to Africa's forests and her desire to end the corruption that often spells their destruction.

"It's a matter of life and death for this country," Maathai once said. "The Kenyan forests are facing extinction and it is a man-made problem. You cannot protect the environment unless you empower people, you inform them, and you help them understand that these resources are their own, that they must protect them."

Maathai was born in the central highlands of Kenya on April 1, 1940. She earned a master's degree in the United States before becoming the first woman in Kenya to receive a doctorate for veterinary medicine and be appointed a professor.

"Wangari Maathai will be remembered as a committed champion of the environment, sustainable development, women's rights, and democracy," said former U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan.

"Wangari was a courageous leader. Her energy and life-long dedication to improve the lives and livelihoods of people will continue to inspire generations of young people around the world," he said.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said: "The world has lost a powerful force for peace, democracy and women's rights."

"Her death has left a gaping hole among the ranks of women leaders, but she leaves behind a solid foundation for others to build upon. I was inspired by her story and proud to call her my friend," Clinton said in a statement.

Former talk show host Oprah Winfrey (R) and Kenyan Environmentalist Wangari Maathai (L) during a Tree Planting & Dedication ceremony commemorating the two-day "Be the Change" leadership conference addressed by both women at the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls in Henley-on-Klip, outside Johannesburg, November 25, 2008. Photo/FILE

"GLOBAL ICON"

In 1989, Maathai's protests forced Moi to abandon plans to erect an office tower in Uhuru Park, an oasis of green that flanks the main highway running through the centre of the Kenyan capital Nairobi.

In 1999, Maathai was beaten and whipped by guards during a protest against the sale of public land in Karura Forest.

The forest in Nairobi covers more than 1,000 hectares and is home to wildlife such as duiker antelopes and civets, as well as caves used by Mau Mau fighters in their struggle against British rule.

"We have lost a serious personality who shaped not only Kenya but the world at large. We have lost a great mind, a great woman who could change lives in this country," said Nairobi resident Gikonge Mugwongo.

Maathai called forest clearance a "suicidal mission".

"To interfere with them is to interfere with the rain system, the water system and therefore agriculture, not to mention the other industries dependent on hydro-electricity."

Maathai's movement spread across Africa and has gone on to plant more than 47 million trees to slow deforestation and erosion. She joined the U.N. Environment Program in 2006 to launch a campaign to plant a billion trees worldwide.

"Her departure is untimely and a very great loss to all of us who knew her -- as a mother, relative, co-worker, colleague, role model, and heroine -- or those who admired her determination to make the world a peaceful, healthy and better place for all of us," her movement said in a statement.

Tributes poured in for Maathai on social media.

"We join family and friends in mourning Prof. Wangari Maathai, a phenomenal woman, a friend and role model. You lived, you inspired," said Kenyan politician Martha Karua on her Twitter account.

Besides founding the Green Belt Movement, Maathai was also elected to parliament in 2002 and appointed assistant minister for the environment in 2003 under President Mwai Kibaki.

Kibaki said Maathai was a "global icon who has left an indelible mark in the world of environmental conservation".

"With the passing on of Professor Maathai, the country and the world has not only lost a renowned environmentalist but also a great human rights crusader," he said.

not blogged for a while…

Patently, I am upsetting somebody [oh yes - you know who you are – so feel free to comment as you said you are 'itching to''], and I am sorry about that [very sorry actually], and it makes me sad. Very sad.

And  it's made me not want to post for a while. Just writing this post is making my face twitch and collapse with stress…but I've decided after much thought, that I can't not blog because of you I'm afraid. There are too many people who rely on me to post. People who like this blog for whatever reason - usually because they have or have had cancer!

So. Thinking.

I just thought to put my own experience here. That's all. Just my thoughts and feelings. And of course my progress. I have NEVER meant to hurt anyone's feelings.

I am really hoping that my progress is inspiring. Not the WAY I am progressing [because usually I progress in a rather grumpy fashion] but the FACT that I am. The fact that I had Stage 3B ovarian cancer in 2008 and now in 2011 I am still alive….well, that's got to be a good thing right? The 'facts' and 'stats' would have me dead already…pffft!

Facts and stats? Get on – they are theoretical – theories have never been my favourite things. I prefer hard fact. And a lot of the information on the internet is NOT based on fact.

Just like opinions are not necessarily based on fact.

another goodbye

This week I lost a truly lovely friend. The picture above just sums her up for me -  that glorious smile. It says everything about her. She was a person who made me feel welcome in her heart the minute I met her. She was a breath of fresh air in a world where a lot of people seem to have an agenda – Gaynor didn't. She was just as transparent as glass. And brought in as much light. A beam of sunlight. For me anyway. 

We met not that long ago for lunch. What happened? It is so surreal that she has died. I can't quite get my head round it. Shock? Denial?

Gaynor had a recurrence. Ovarian bloody cancer. Of course. They tried everything – different types of chemo, different diet etc. A horrible regime that never seemed to end. And was constantly painful. Horribly painful. But they did their best. And Gaynor fought like a tiger!
But it wasn't enough! Not through their lack of trying, but through lack of knowledge of WHY this disease comes back so viciously. We so desperately need more research into ovarian cancer. 

Hence I am doing the Kenya cycle - not for me. For my friends, here and gone. To support those still battling, and to honour those we have lost.

It was amazing to see her strength in the face of it. She didn't complain, she didn't whine. She got on with her life as much as she could – driving her girls to swimming, going to work – usually exhausted, but always positive…here she is with us. We had a lovely day – full of happiness. And teal balloons!

Gaynor was a tiny person – same height as me, but slim as a willow. And bubbling with life – she never stopped! But the cancer simply ate her alive. It moved to her bowel and caused ascites. Ascites is horrific and very distressing. She was constantly having it drained as it was crushing the rest of her organs. The process was unpleasant, but she cracked on with it, texting and calling in the midst of what must have been a very uncomfortable experience.

She had serious guts. She was very, very brave.

She leaves three daughters, and of course her husband – all of whom she was so proud. She was always reporting on their achievements, large or small. I keep thinking of them all. And what their day must have been like when Gaynor died. I was shocked and tearful all day and achieved nothing sensible. How did they manage?
She died peacefully and painlessly in her sleep. I was so relieved to hear that from Andy, her lovely husband. They must have felt as if it was all a nightmare – perhaps hoping they'd wake up and it would all have gone away. Would that it had.

Gaynor. My dear friend. I miss you so much already. Your brave and intelligent attack on your illness. Your funny, witty remarks and stories - your calls...your advice. Your support of me. The energetic, non-stop way you lived life. Your fighting spirit. Your amazing shoes :) About which we had an ongoing and hilarious discussion.

You'll live on in my heart and memory, and in your beautiful girls of whom you were so proud - so you're not gone. Not really.

Just to say au revoir. Not goodbye - just until we meet again.

Gaynor does not want flowers at her funeral. As usual, she was thoughtful to the last  - she would like a donation to Megan's justgiving page instead. Or to Ovarian Cancer Action.