Today my friend Jo died. She had cervical cancer – a recurrence killed her. I have lost it completely, and can not stop crying. Her husband kindly took time out of his own grief to let me know this evening. So I should get a grip – he did. Why can't I?
This is a photo of Paul and Jo, taken by Karen. For me it says everything – it's 'Just Jo'…that sweet personality shines through, that happy confidence. I just love it.
She had a Fairy garden on FB. She would play it on her iPhone under the bedcovers when she couldn't sleep [insomnia seems part and parcel of cancer treatment – we 'watered' plants at 3.30 in the morning…]. Her favourite films were Jesus of Nazareth, Enemy of the State and Conan the Barbarian?? heh heh – get on Conan!
Then, on the 31 December 2009 she told me she had worrying symptoms and was waiting for results. It seemed like a urinary tract infection. But sadly, it wasn't. After that we were more closely in touch, as I added her to the group on FB..Jo was our 'Honourary Member'. The only woman in the group NOT to have ovarian cancer – but not the only one who has had cervical.
Jo commented on a blog post I did [it was a special post for LIVESTRONG day.]
"I have been here for certain and I think it is an inevitable part of the process of coming to terms with how fragile, brittle and frightening life can be. When you get cancer you stare into the abyss. But I have gradually come to terms with it and feel less daunted about life these days. For me it was less about me dying, and more about what and who I was leaving behind. Frightened by how I would die, but not about actually dying itself. It all has to be sorted out in your head, and it can be lonely. No - it IS lonely. Without my faith and my family I don't think I would still have my mental health to be honest. With their love and support, I am stronger for going through it now despite all the darkness. Hugs X "
It says a lot – her comment. Even then, she was calmly accepting the inevitable. Jo was a very inspiring woman – not just because of the way she dealt with her cancer – her life was inspiring. She ran a business, she ran a household with a wonderful Son [has to be capitalised :) ] and husband [I know they are wonderful because she told me] and she had her Faith. But it was always her two men that she referred to first when she spoke of love and support.
Jo even managed her death well. "Frightened by how I would die, but not about actually dying itself." Her main worry was leaving her husband and her beloved Son. Happily, Jo died peacefully. I am so grateful for that. For her husband and son, and for her. And [selfishly] for me too – I feel relieved that she fell asleep on Thursday 20th October and moved gracefully towards peace over Friday and Saturday before passing over at 5:30am this morning.
So. Goodbye to yet another friend. Rant? Yes, probably should. But I can't. I am so exhausted with death. So. No. No rant. Just a heartfelt plea to Someone, Somewhere to find a cure.
The Kenya Cycle seems more relevant every day – these women would all still be here IF we had a cure! I would not be breaking my heart over Jo. And Gaynor. And Sweet Jane…my friends…
And yes Jo. You're right - it IS lonely.
A list in loving memory of my friends:
Jo McGowan
Gaynor Hall
Diane Davis Waller
Sweet Jayne Armstrong
Bj Gallagher
Patty Higgins
Thelma Huggett
Kelli Godfrey
Annie Prouse
We won't forget you! And don't worry girls – we WILL find a cure…
"Her husband kindly took time out of his own grief to let me know this evening. So I should get a grip – he did. Why can't I?"
ReplyDeleteDear god, dear one. You don't need to get it together. Women are falling and dying all around us and it hurts so much. All you can do is cry and when you can fight, fight.
Love, Peace and Harmony my friend. I wish I could give you a hug.
Sandhy
ReplyDeleteA beautiful tribute. Thank you so much. Jo passed at a time and in a manner she wanted, knowing that her work was done. we all now have all the resources we need to keep up her work. Jo's purpose in life was to be a light and if you read the posts that is what comes through. Jo was a person that lived her purpose and when your mission is complete you can move on to a greater purpose. A part of Jo's purpose now is to be the fuel that keeps other lights shining bright. You have shown yourself to be a shining light in your efforts to date. Let Jo add limitless fuel to your light and shine brighter than ever before.
Although i never actively posted Jo always kept me up to date with what was happening in your group and I am full of admiration for the spirit you all have for each other. if i can help in anyway i would be delighted to. I have a perspective about living with cancer, not having cancer. if there are people that want support with living with cancer I would be happy to provide what I can.
While Jo's purpose was to be a light, my purpose is to give hope. Many people see cancer as a 'hopeless' condition, especially the medical profession at times (oops small rant!). There is always hope, just believe in it.
Stay in touch
Paul
I wish I could say or do something that could make it all better....but I can't. I have lost so many I refuse to count anymore....but I remember each of them....the affect they had on my life and how I will never be the same for them having passed my way. I know that I have been blessed, as you have, by these women who share their stories but more importantly their hope.....I will hold you in my heart and pray that you will be at peace.....no need to rant I too have reached that tired stage....lean into the weariness and just allow it to envelope you....xoxo hugs
ReplyDeleteWe aren't really living if we aren't loving and feeling and reaching out. I am so sorry for the loss of your dear friend Jo. Peace
ReplyDelete