anyway…

I'm not strong. Not at all – I just do things as they come along. And I deal with things the same way. As they come. Once they're done – that's it. They're done.

Why is that not the case with cancer? Is it because we are constantly TOLD we are at risk of recurrence? If I had never been told that, I am sure my life would be [if not simpler] at least happier. IF I didn't KNOW that ovarian cancer has a very high incidence of recurrence, would I worry quite so much? Perhaps not. Perhaps. Who knows? It's now a moot point. I KNOW it can recur. I KNOW the incidence is high. I KNOW I am at risk.

It's exhausting.

I did the Kenya cycle – as best I could. I am so pleased I did it – the women I met were and are unbelievable. I loved it! Imagine…3 years ago I couldn't cycle to the Exeter Quay!! [that's about 1 mile from my house!]. My life is different now because of that. Ann Frampton is amazing – she sets up the rides – her mother died of ovarian cancer and she survived cervical cancer – get on girl! She does wonderful things for awareness and fund raising. I would love to be her assistant….

Here we are at Faraja – me, Shaira and Ann.

This week though, I am getting into the 'Fright Zone'. My reminder popped up in outlook – 'get the bloods done'. Next week. O.F.F.S! So I rang and made the appointment. Today. That in itself is an effort – it's like if I ignore it, it may go away. Well, it doesn't. It's taken me 3 days of reminders [grr] to get my butt in gear to phone.
So many times I have rung up at the last moment and had to have a mini cadenza to get fitted in [always my fault; but I always make the surgery appointment woman feel bad…and she always manages to fit me in. yay her]
Look at this – I look [and felt!] as fit as a fiddle! [fit as a fiddle? what is that anyway?] But, I do and did. WHY am I worried??

and here I am [alive!] at the end of the cycle with Vicky. Must admit, we both look rather scrumptious ;) NOT! But we ARE triumphant! As we should be.

So. What? I stood in the garden this evening. Looking at the sky – it's so cold. And so black. And so BIG.  We are so little. I wished for my life without recurrence EVER – I wished for some normality. I wished for my life without bloody cancer at all. I cried. A lot. But I am not alone in this – I have the FH, friends, family. I have the girls on the face book group. But actually – we ARE all alone in this. Aren't we?

All alone…not just us – the cancery types, but the people who love us too. They are also alone – with their worries, their thoughts….no matter who tries to understand. No matter what anyone says – we are still awake at 3.30 on the morning…alone with thoughts of a horrible death…alone with thoughts of our loved ones deaths…it's hard.

But. And it's a big but. We have support. We have friends. We have understanding from some, if not all.

I am so grateful for that.

Here I am – with Lake Victoria! Amazing…