Saturday, 26 November 2011


I'm not strong. Not at all – I just do things as they come along. And I deal with things the same way. As they come. Once they're done – that's it. They're done.

Why is that not the case with cancer? Is it because we are constantly TOLD we are at risk of recurrence? If I had never been told that, I am sure my life would be [if not simpler] at least happier. IF I didn't KNOW that ovarian cancer has a very high incidence of recurrence, would I worry quite so much? Perhaps not. Perhaps. Who knows? It's now a moot point. I KNOW it can recur. I KNOW the incidence is high. I KNOW I am at risk.

It's exhausting.

I did the Kenya cycle – as best I could. I am so pleased I did it – the women I met were and are unbelievable. I loved it! Imagine…3 years ago I couldn't cycle to the Exeter Quay!! [that's about 1 mile from my house!]. My life is different now because of that. Ann Frampton is amazing – she sets up the rides – her mother died of ovarian cancer and she survived cervical cancer – get on girl! She does wonderful things for awareness and fund raising. I would love to be her assistant….

Here we are at Faraja – me, Shaira and Ann.


This week though, I am getting into the 'Fright Zone'. My reminder popped up in outlook – 'get the bloods done'. Next week. O.F.F.S! So I rang and made the appointment. Today. That in itself is an effort – it's like if I ignore it, it may go away. Well, it doesn't. It's taken me 3 days of reminders [grr] to get my butt in gear to phone.
So many times I have rung up at the last moment and had to have a mini cadenza to get fitted in [always my fault; but I always make the surgery appointment woman feel bad…and she always manages to fit me in. yay her]
Look at this – I look [and felt!] as fit as a fiddle! [fit as a fiddle? what is that anyway?] But, I do and did. WHY am I worried??

me 01

and here I am [alive!] at the end of the cycle with Vicky. Must admit, we both look rather scrumptious ;) NOT! But we ARE triumphant! As we should be.

FB03 So. What? I stood in the garden this evening. Looking at the sky – it's so cold. And so black. And so BIG.  We are so little. I wished for my life without recurrence EVER – I wished for some normality. I wished for my life without bloody cancer at all. I cried. A lot. But I am not alone in this – I have the FH, friends, family. I have the girls on the face book group. But actually – we ARE all alone in this. Aren't we?

All alone…not just us – the cancery types, but the people who love us too. They are also alone – with their worries, their thoughts….no matter who tries to understand. No matter what anyone says – we are still awake at 3.30 on the morning…alone with thoughts of a horrible death…alone with thoughts of our loved ones deaths…it's hard.

But. And it's a big but. We have support. We have friends. We have understanding from some, if not all.

I am so grateful for that.

Here I am – with Lake Victoria! Amazing…



  1. You are quite the philosopher! I totally understand this post and where you are coming from. I am so grateful to have you and the group of women who truly do understand, but ultimately, we are alone and we have to come to some kind of peace with that.

    Yes, recurrences are possible. However, any time wasted worrying about a recurrence, is just wasted time. And what is this 'horrible death' you speak of? I plan to be drugged out of my mind when that time comes :)

    I wish I could take the fear and dread that these appointments cause. Lots of love to you Sandhy - deep breaths...

  2. philosopher? nooo - but WHAT a brilliant idea!I shall also plan to be drugged out of my mind! ha - one less worry, as I only have a little mind, so it won't take much ;)
    lots of love to you too my friend


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