this is the leopard skin thing I got for round the house. The inside feels so soft, and it's very light weight. Leopard skin; très dated, but who cares? As long as it's comfy.

The other I want is only available in France, so I am going to get my French Connection to acquire it for me.

I’ll change this photo to one of me with it on once I have to wear it.

32. other odd things

Wednesday 16th April

Thought I’d mention some of the side effects [and what I do about them] – I have to make a list to take with me the next time I have the chemo, so I thought I’d put it on here too. Why not?

First two days: obviously the nausea, which was controlled by the tablets, so no problem there. Next few days, a bit ‘nauseous’ but also controlled, once my brain kicked into gear, by the tablets. By Sunday, seemed ok.

All the time, but not constant: strange, stabbing pains in all sorts of places [foot and wrist and stomach] – the stomach ones may have been self inflicted by the floor episode [yes, yes, never to be repeated]. Mostly the pains seem to be controlled by taking the odd painkiller. Better check if these are allowed I suppose. And sudden attacks of exhaustion, but these haven’t been too bad this time, as long as I have a quick sleep then I awake feeling fine. They have also diminished this week. Long may it carry on.

Constant side effects:
- blocked sinuses, watering eyes and an itchy nose. I feel like I have a cold coming, a fat blocked up head, then it goes away, then it comes back. The last few days the inside of my nose has been itching almost like hay-fever. Very irritating and it makes me feel like sniffing my coffee up it. Probably ill advised, as drowning in one's own coffee will be worse than an itching nose...

- the taste thing. I was warned that my food might start to taste peculiar. Well, that’s true to an extent, but it’s my mouth that does the peculiar thing. It’s like my teeth are leaking something horribly nuclear into my mouth. If I clean my teeth then eat straight away, it seems to clear it for a while. But some things do taste foul – I’ve discovered the best thing to have for breakfast is Marmite on toast – the taste is so strong that it deletes everything else. Brilliant – I might have Marmite on everything! Perhaps I should write to them and inform them that their product has miracle attributes heh heh. And ice lollies! Yesss! Fabulous things, freeze the tongue, so you can’t taste anything which is rather nice occasionally.

I am sure Grace will be chuffed to bits, as we will be trying lots of them. As she is 4, she can probably advise me on the best ones? At the moment I have Jelly Baby ones – repulsive purple colour, but they are so nice! Why is kids food such horrible colours? Someone tell me that. Mothers, complain – I am sure if it drips on me, I shall be stained purple for the duration.

- mouth ulcers, dry lips and constant thirst. Had to nip to the chemist and get some stuff to slap on an ulcer on my tongue. I can’t imagine what it’s made of, but it fixed it instantly. Hello Scary Tongue Stuff! But a lot better than the ulcer taking over the entire known universe in there [can’t be doing with the advert where all sorts of small men are marauding round one’s teeth, yelling about disaster zones and waving hose pipes – imagine the headache you’d have]. Drinking lots of Lucosade. It seems to also help get rid of the horrible taste.

Bought a new electric toothbrush, as it seems very difficult to actually get my teeth clean. Takes ages to remove the aforementioned nuclear waste. And a medicinal mouthwash [YUUUUCK!]. Hate mouthwash, as it says DO NOT SWALLOW, so of course when I gargle I immediately want to swallow it. Contrary to the last. Plus it sets your tongue on fire – what’s that all about? Torture, disguised as being good for you.

I am using a really good lip balm called Palmer’s Cocoa Butter Formula – marvellous. Very ugly packaging mind you. They could do with a new marketing person. Brown and blue? eww. Made in America – what can I say? But it’s wicked stuff.

another fabulous photo from David...is this the Constable of 2008??

31. the week after chemo [last bit]

Monday 14th to Tuesday 15th April

Monday was the day I had been dreading. You’ll remember that I made an appointment for a lunchtime haircut with Exeter Hair and Beauty last week. So, I spent all morning on Monday trying to think of good and sound reasons why I couldn’t possibly go. I felt sick. I had work to do. I might need to be here to do an urgent translation for Patricia. Isabelle might need the presentation right now. Oh blah.

Eventually I managed to force myself into a shower, into clothes, into makeup, then of course I rang the taxi so late that they couldn’t get here in time. [Bus? NO!! costs nearly as much as a taxi, and never arrives!] I had to ring and warn Tanya [my hairdresser] that I’d be 15 minutes late – ooo, so pathetic! Really, really wanted my friend Isabelle to appear on the horizon to go with me. Impossible of course, as the silly woman is in Portugal. Very inconvenient!! I can’t imagine why she doesn’t have a holiday apartment here, in order to be at my beck and call. Right, off to the hair chopping session, sans Isa. Bummer. I am such a coward. But then I have always equated the hairdressers with the dentists – and I have to be sedated to have even a small filling!

Tanya, the girl who cut my hair [no, that’s not old age – she really is a youngster], was brilliant. She was totally and utterly cool. Chopped off my hair in no time, leaving the front nice and long, and the back very short. She asked me about what was going on, chatted away, didn’t patronise me, and didn’t upset me by being all sympathetic. I am eternally grateful to her, as I’d expected to get upset [yes, blasted menopause again – doesn’t allow you to think past ‘I might start crying at that’] and because she was so pragmatic. Great! Thank you! Left the hairdressers feeling much better, as that was one more thing I needed to get behind me. As the Yanks say, that was quite ‘empowering’!

After work I went to see the wig ladies. Luckily for me the woman who’d been away on holiday had returned, and the choice was simple, as she is quite decisive, and didn’t keep BRUSHING the wig [I don’t ‘do’ brushed hair]. Got one paid for by the NHS and another that I bought myself. Both short. Less transition time once my hair starts to grow back. [so surreal – still can’t imagine myself with no hair actually]. Also bought an amusing French leopard skin style bandana/turban affair for round the house. Really soft inside and quite demented. Need some blingy earrings to go with it. Sorry Jacket, but needs must darling! I KNOW leopard skin is très boring, but it feels great!

I don’t care what Andrew says, I am totally NOT going to allow him to see me with no hair. Ha!! In his dreams [or his nightmares – can’t decide] whatever, it’s never going to happen! Bald is one thing...having your husband see you bald? That’s another. Yuck! Anyway, the wig woman [Jeanine?] said it’s better to sleep with something on your head, as you get cold – all the heat flies out of the top of you. As she has been doing this for years, I will take her advice. I’ve had a ton of hair all this time, so I am sure a light weight skull cap type affair isn’t going to be a problem. Have to glue it on maybe?

Tootled off to Nandos afterwards to wait for Jones to pick me up – had a fabulous glass of Portuguese red wine – at £4.50 for a glass I would hope so. I swear you can buy the whole bottle for that price in Portugal. But it was nice anyway, and sat in the sun too, a bonus. So, a good day all told – hair cut, wigs bought and - I forgot to mention!! A wonderful woman at Dingles Clarins counter!!

Bah. I am tired of typing now, but must mention this. I popped into the Clarins counter at Dingles to see if I could find a better foundation for when I have no hair. Their facial products are the only ones I am not allergic to, so thought it a good idea. Well, it was a brilliant idea! The woman at the counter was great – she used to work with ‘Look Good, Feel Better’ in Bristol. Now she has moved down from London to Exeter, and is hoping to work with them here too. So she was completely at home with advice for chemo patients and gave me loads of good tips plus a lot of free samples to try at home. Whoo hoo – excellent! I am now the proud owner of false tanner, foundation, stuff to make your face look more glowy etc etc. All these silly little things make such a difference. I am hoping I will see her at the ‘Look Good, Feel Better’ session at Force – she was so kind. Another result!

So, it’s now Tuesday. No painkillers, no nausea tablets. I had a good day, spent lunch time outside as we actually had some sun for a change. Chatted to my Brazilian friend in Portugal – she is the only person left that if I talk to her, I start crying! It’s her voice – she is so simpatico, it breaks my heart. Tried to do a bit of gardening, and managed, but not a lot. Will try to do a teeny bit every day, and build up to it now. More fabulous photos from my youngest brother, and lovely scandalous emails from my other brother [always good – keeps you occupied!]. One of my more demented friends fell down a ski slope and got a black eye and a sprained wrist – had me in stitches! So grateful that I have so many friends – they are all so bloody entertaining! Off to the fireside!

31. the week after chemo [next bit]

Saturday 12th to Sunday 13th April

Woke up on Saturday still feeling like hell had arrived in my stomach [and my foot]. Another pain killer – these that I have a rather good. The directions say to take 2 every 3 hours – I am taking 1 a day IF I need one, and they work. Brilliant – I always worry about pain killers – as I have an addictive personality, but I think 1 out of the prescribed 6 or 8 is probably nothing to be worrying about, plus they are a sort of ‘chill out’ pill. Not sure if they are supposed to, but they make me feel quite calm. Always good, especially for us girls that have been chucked head first, sans advice, into the menopause! Actually I think it’s rather rude of them – “hello, here’s the menopause, you may go home, and NO we won’t tell you anything useful at all...”

So, Saturday was a bit complicated, and I went back to bed twice. Meant to have a quick 1 hour sleep at lunchtime, but woke up 3 hours later – felt better though, so I suppose it was a good idea. Haven’t QUITE got my head around having a nap in the daytime though – probably ought to spend a few weeks in Spain. That’d get me acclimatised to the idea of a ‘siesta’ and stop me having a guilty conscience. Watch out Ricardo! You never know who might arrive at your door! ;o]

Anyway, getting carried away here...quite a bit of pain going on. Not sure if it’s the chemo or not, but as Tracey W [my Useful Been There Bought The T-shirt Woman] said, they are stuffing one full of poison, so the body is bound to revolt at some point. And mine is revolting. That’s for sure. Strangest pain was in my foot for Pete’s sake. Watching TV and the next thing it felt like someone had grabbed my ankle and was trying to rip it off. Lovely. I don’t notice anyone warning you about this kind of thing. “Beware, you will feel as if you are being eaten by a shark. Foot first.”. Hmm – I suppose panic might ensue. But then again, panic does ensue, as you wonder what the hell is going on and why. So, again, ignored it. Bent it about a few times and after a while it went away. Good.

Sunday was excellent – woke up feeling like a normal person [is there such a thing?], and had a great day as Mum and Dad visited and we had a brilliant brunch. Mum very sensibly brought wine and cigarettes – what a star! How can anyone be in a bad mood with such offerings on the table heh heh. Dad off to Saudi on Tuesday, so it was nice to see him before he toddled off into the sandy wastes. Business class. With cutlery. Apparently [in the minds of security people] if you are business class, you are not so likely to stab the crew if they give you a set of cutlery. Hmm. He got 40 kilos of luggage allowance!! I am so green...