Tuesday, 9 June 2009


Sunday, 31st May 2009

Ah bloody hell - so many things have been going on. Difficult to blog everything…Aj’s MRI. And I was away. Bah. But when I got back, the results were 100% good, Yay. CJ was back in the Bin. Bah again. The demented computer scenario [not so bad, but doing my head in!]…having only the tottering old laptop is rather worrying. It WILL keep over-heating…stupid thing. So, what happened? As you know, the pc conked out. I had the chap round to fix it. [twice] He thought he had fixed it. [hardware wise]. He decided that my ‘system’ was corrupt. Goodbye £200.00.

Then my computer genius brother reinstalled ALL the pc [the ‘system’]…amazing. I was so chuffed I could have squashed him to death. I didn’t - his wife wouldn’t have been amused. So, home I came with my newly installed pc. [by the way, delivered to me FREE at Gatwick by the self same genius brother] Woop woop! I know very well that if Pete does an installation, it’s a good one. And for a few days it WAS. But then - poof!! Blue screen!! Aaargh! What??
What a bloody week! Waiting for the new pc to arrive [and in the interim, going bezzo trying to do everything on the laptop], waiting for my Laura Ashley cushions to arrive – and where the hell are my trailing fuchsias?? I ordered them ages ago – by the time they arrive it will be winter again! Grr. The weekend was weird. We had the most amazingly sunny days, and Friday / Saturday [a sunny day!] I was stuck inside working on getting the new pc up and running. That seems insane in the larger scheme of things doesn’t it? I can work when I like but I still have this weird mindset that I should work when my colleagues are working. A good example being that I was sent a small correction to do – I didn’t respond immediately [busy installing things] and that caused concern – this is because usually, I respond to emails as soon as they arrive [that would be: respond, then delete or file – or be drowned in emails...] – oo, talk about making a stick for your own back! Being drowned by email is not quite what I envision as my demise!

Anyway blah blah – last weekend was amazing!! We went to Biddeford in the van, bikes in the back. We cycled 19.3 miles!! I almost died...the next day we did a little circuit training thing of our own on the patio. Just as well, or I wouldn’t have been able to walk ...but I was really amazed that I did those miles. I usually do about 10 then collapse....20?? OMG...Last week was normal. Work, blah. But this weekend was stunning – sun, and more sun! This is so unusual in the UK. I actually caught a burn! OMG...a suntan?...eek!! We just did bbq and vegged out – lovely!

In the meantime, I had one of 'those’' days. I go along merrily thinking I’m back to normal. Then, BASH!!! I’m not. Fuck. It’s so irritating. So upsetting. So demoralising.
I was reading the post of one of the girls. She was on about a friend who’d had breast cancer, survived that, then got OC and now she was dying. And dying soon.
Jesus!! What is that all about?? Isn’t ONE type of cancer enough for one person?? It made me rush into the kitchen and cry my eyes out. Plus I have other personal things going on that really stress me out...the person I most wanted to talk to, I couldn’t. Stupid headset!
And I am left wondering WHY?? Why did this happen to us? To me? AND...why are we trying so hard to be normal? And why are we trying so hard to help everyone else, when actually [er, sorry!!] THEY should be helping US. WE are the people who’ve had cancer. Wouldn’t work! And then I read the post of my friend Kia. She seemed to have the same head on as me right this moment. Upset, frustrated. We are the people [ok persons!] who’ve been through chemo, lost our hair, confidence, looks blah. Fuck, and more bloody swearing. Sorry - but you know by now, this blog, if you don’t like it, well, don’t read it!! Bye bye people who can’t get to grips with my reality.

• The reality of cancer is this; first you get it. Then you have it deleted. Then you worry about it coming back. Then you think - sod that, it’s not going to come back - I refuse to allow it. Then you think - what if it does come back? And you try to make a plan about that...and so on and so forth. Scary. All the time. Every day.
• Then you try to make another plan about it coming back, but that plan, well it’s a sort of mad plan, as you’re not quite sure what the hell you are planning for. So it’s actually impossible...the plan becomes the nightmare...ah I have lung / brain / breast / whatever – cancer ...just get this - my body fucked my head with this thing. So now I don’t trust it any more. And I am stressed with it all the time – even though I try 100% not to be. Other things seem so unimportant now.

Arguing, accusations,guilt trips? Well, sorry – I don’t ‘DO’ those any more... I can't afford to.


  1. Hi-

    Yes it sucks and it is scary. The thing I try to do is think about my time between scans as reprieve. I can spend my time worrying or I can waste my time being afraid. I think... well, when it comes back I'll be pissed that I wasted my time being healthy worrying about being sick and now I'm sick and I can't get that healthy time back. Does that make sense? It doesn't work all of the time and there are those scary moments when I'm paralyzed with fear and I can't sleep... so I drink. a lot. But most of the time, I just try to remember "I'm healthy now, I should enjoy it, or at least try to live it up." I'm pretty much resigned that it will come back... just a matter of when. I want to enjoy my cancer free time as much as possible. No that isn't me being negative, it is me being realistic. I've had it twice. If it doesn't come back I'll be happily surprised.

    The BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes are related to breast and ovarian cancer. It is common for women with the gene to get breast cancer at a younger age and then ovca at an older age.

    Yay on you riding the bike!

    Another thought... no, I will never be back to normal. I'm different. I've grown. I've learned. My perspective has changed. In many ways I'm a better person. I see more beauty now. I love harder and laugh harder. I choose to see the beauty.

    Don't get me wrong. I hate cancer and I'm angry often. I've lost a lot. But tonight I've chosen to think about what makes me happy.

    Perhaps I'm just drunk. :) Beer is good.

    Oh, and when someone uses the eff word, the gain points in my book of coolness ranking.

  2. that makes perfect sense.

    here's to being happily surprised!


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