time. passing time – that's what we want to say isn't it? but really, it's passing people…actually I hate the expression 'so and so has PASSED'. They died for Pete's sake – they didn't PASS anywhere.
The last few months have been exhausting with all the damned 'passing'. I'd quite like it to STOP now thanks.
First. My Dad. Then. Too many lovely women being killed by this disease…Enough that I know them. Too much that I know them and they died. Or knew. I knew them. Or a little of them. Now, I remember them. I remember their fight. Their way of coping. Their enforced energy in the face of exhaustion. Their pride and strength in the face of the fear.
Them. Their selves. I am so sad for their families.
As for me. I have had a completely hideous week. On Tuesday I was ill. Just your normal illness, gut rot! I had horrible stomach pains and felt sick all day - I had to meet a client, and luckily the design manager brought us cookies. Seems like sugar was what I needed most, as soon as I ate one, I felt better for hours. But it didn't last. I have been feeling ill on and off all week. The most worrying thing being the complete exhaustion. Today I went to bed at lunchtime – this is the first time I've done this since I was in chemo. So. You can imagine – I am worried. These are symptoms – pain in the gut, exhaustion, bloating [yep, I have that too]. I just want to sleep all the time.
Worry worry. I didn't know my check up date until today as I wasn't concerned – I felt great until this week. Now, I KNOW the date – and may bring it forward.
Why is it that cancer is such a mental disease as well as a physical one? My brain is just like the Peperami ad…full of deranged things racing about…
And here is the FH enjoying Wembley
Living with the uncertainity of cancer I think is worse than actually dealing with it. It took me a while to adjust to this after treatment and many times I thought it had come back, I am praying that you are still cancer free........:-) Hugs
ReplyDeleteI am new here. Found you through the demon called Ovarian cancer. My mom has it and has weeks to live.
ReplyDeleteI just finished reading the post about your dad and I wanted to say my heart aches for you. The thing is, even when you do have the time, which I do at the moment, you don't necessarily use it in the way you think. My mom doesn't want to hear all the I love you stuff. It is just a reminder that she is dying. She just wants everyone to be happy. You can tell by your family pictures that you were a happy family that LOVED. It sounds cliche but your dad would not want you to feel bad. I know he died several months back now and I hope you have found peace with this. Just don't have any regrets. You can tell your dad was awesome and funny and as you say he would not want any drama. It is OK to grieve but pass on the guilt.
As for you, this cancer is a bitchy one isn't it? Go figure it is a "woman's" cancer. I hope you have more sugar cookie moments.
PS - About the "dad dance" video. My dad dances just like that! Especially that funky little whatever move near the beginning. So funny!