I am a little bit confused. On one hand, I am so proud of myself for doing the Kenya Cycle – I don't really 'get' the other girls post Kenya depression thing – I am still totally wired that I actually did such a thing! I was back in my heart – my Africa! Can't believe it actually…I would NEVER have thought I could do something like that. On the other hand, I was completely down waiting for a few horrible dates to go by. One, the day Dad died. Two, my Dad's birthday. Three, my check up. Oh, and then of course I am supposed to enjoy Christmas!! Riiight…like THAT is ever going to happen. I honestly don't think I will ever look forward to Christmas again. Every year, something horrible happens in December.
Christmas? No thank you. We are working Christmas day.
The confusion here is feeling great about an achievement I never expected to achieve – and feeling completely wrecked about things in my life that I can't control. WHY can't things just be enjoyable? WHY is there always, always something horrible to overshadow something joyful? It sucks.
BUT – I had fabulous news. You will recall me mentioning my Aunt had cancer – well, NO MORE! She is completely in remission! Best Christmas present ever.
And I, in the meantime, was wondering [as always] if I am still in remission or not. That's the thing you see – we walk the days wondering. We wait for results. We hope for the best [oh yes we are SO British!] we ask little – merely no cancer please. Please.
A few of my friends have recurred..it sounds so simple doesn't it? Oh you have a recurrence? 'So sorry'…but the word recurrence for an ovarian cancer survivor is like waving a noose. It's like a death sentence. In most cases. We do NOT have a place where we can't worry.
I do try not to worry. But it's impossible actually.
So today's check up was rather fraught [two weeks in advance fraughtness]. But the result was brilliant. I am STILL in remission!! CA 125 was 10 [raised again but hey ho] and the physical was also ok. YAY! This was all achieved whilst a raging fire alarm was going off, the hospital has gone mad – new extension, so builders and bollards everywhere, NO parking and total chaos…NOT helpful.
But, fab result notwithstanding, my cat is lost :(
Here's Bear. She has very distinctive eyes.
She disappeared before the storm we had…2 days ago now. I am beside myself with worry and have asked everyone I know for help. Local radio stations, neighbours, etc. and they've all been brilliant. But still no sign.
If you see her, please bring her to the nearest vet – she is chipped, so they will call me. Thank you!