an excellent insight

While I was going through cancer and chemo and chaos, I had a hard time accepting or asking for help. I felt it would be 'weak' and tried my best to handle as much as I could on my own or with the FH. He never gave me a choice anyway ;o) Thank goodness. And it was exhausting. For everyone.

I did push people away. I didn't really want my family to see me at all - I just couldn't cope with the idea that they'd see me so ill. And whining. And bald. And that that would be how they remembered me if I died. Rather they remembered the argumentative baggage of yore…

Sometimes it was hard to cope with the reactions of friends or acquaintances, because I was feeling so touchy. Now, I understand everything - how hard some people tried, why some people ran away screaming [silently, but still…] and which people were just a bloody waste of space. And still are - but in someone else's space now thank you.

And how harsh I was. And how patient people really were with my 'oh I have cancer and I might die so don't even go there' bullshit. The following is a post by a fellow blogger - The Carcinista. She's a a two-and-a-half time ovarian cancer survivor. And a fashion freak ;o) And she is beating this bitch disease at last. Go girl! Third time lucky.

Her insight into this is excellent. Read on. Oh, and for UK cancery types, Ovacome is a really marvellous support group. Try them.

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Help Me Help You

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See her blog here: The Carcinista. And her Facebook page here.

just for being cheerful!

and I LOVE this, it's really really cool! :o)

 

and…

other things that have been going on. Life does that. No matter what happens, there's still 'stuff' to do. People to see, the mundane things. Thank goodness. Mainly fundraising for women v cancer. And looking for a job. And cleaning…and looking for a job.

I had an excellent piece of post this week - you remember the SKY TV program that I did with Tern Television? Looking back it it is so weird. And it is now possible to embed it!

Well, Tern is not a big huge concern like SKY, but having asked both companies for sponsorship, guess who sent me sponsorship money? Tern of course!

This week they sent me a cheque. It was the nicest piece of post I've had all week!

Thank you very much Tern TV!!

not goodbye, just au revoir

The worst was this. My sweet friend Diane died this morning.

Yesterday she had 1 to 2 weeks to live. She was in hospice at the end. A pretty place. Surrounded by her family. But at 7.00 this morning I found out she had died. I was so sad. Cried my eyes out all morning - glad I work alone Chalet Bashing. I kicked the stupid 'Henry' Hoover rather a lot of times.

Diane was a lovely woman. She lived in East Lansing, MI. She was married to her 'Bunny', whom I promptly christened The Bunster - I mean, 'Bunny'?? Get away!! We chuckled a lot about the differences between American humour and UK humour. Di had a fabulous sense of humour and was an extremely intelligent and witty woman. She was always asking about our odd expressions - and she would pick them up and use them hilariously. She was planning to come 'Across The Pond' next year with the Bunster - she even managed to convince him to get a passport!

Di was an attorney/arbitrator - I suppose we would call her a solicitor? Maybe a lawyer? She adored her husband, and talked about him a lot. She loved and worried about her children. She had a huge heart. During her own battle with ovarian cancer, she had to deal with her mother dying after a short two month battle with brain cancer. Then she had to have her dog put to sleep. Grr.But she still gave her time to support me [I was in the midst of losing my job] and others.

She was a member of the support group I have on Facebook, and she was always concerned about everyone else's feeling before her own. Recently she didn't post because she didn't want to 'bum us out'. She was in horrible pain. Nothing seemed to get on top of it at all. But she was a stoic in the face of it. A brave woman. She didn't complain. She got on with it.

I shall miss her enormously. But I have finished crying now - now I am just happy to have known her, and grateful for the things she added to my life. Here she is, hat and bag and all…I shall never forget her. Au revoir my friend.

Diane with Laurel - Diane: "Here's a photo of Laurel & I at Dinner at Manny's in Dallas. We had a great time! Ya'll should come visit us sometime! had a fab time with laurel. even tho we talked about cancer a lot it was still fun!! and the boys in the photo were cooperative even tho our waiter wanted to be paid to be photographed. he should have paid us to be photographed with such fine looking women!! My son took the photo and did a little work on us so we look perfect, but that's what all the stars do right??"

Amazing. :o)

breathless

I am always rushing these days. And this week has been no exception. It seems I don't have enough moments in the day. Or enough days in the week. I am breathless.

It's been a good week, and a very bad week. A very LONG week. Count the good first - my check up was fine, CA 125 up to 9 again but still well within the norms. A milestone for me, as it's 2 years [amazing! doesn't feel like it!] since my last chemo in August 2008 and I am now going for my next check up in SIX months time. Chemo never seems far away - hopefully it soon will feel that way. But I still remember this day so vividly - I can still feel how my scalp felt then…

Yay? 6 months cancer free! hmm - I think so. But it doesn't matter, as I can call and go there whenever I like if I feel unsettled. So. A GREAT result. Relief. And Rachel has been declared totally cancer free!! Amazing!

BAD because ALL bloody week my friends have been having lots of problems. Of my dear friends, one is constantly back and forth for scans, blood tests, this that and the other - and no-one seems to know what's wrong; another one's CA 125 has shot up rather alarmingly; to be resolved soon we hope. Another has been diagnosed with breast cancer and is now in chemo. My friends [she feels like my sister] mother has been diagnosed with the same. She is in for surgery this week. WHAT is going on?? It's almost like a message, pounding it home how grateful I should be.

And I am - but I so wish I could share the good luck. Because worse was yet to come.