Tuesday, 26 April 2011

the selfish writer

 DSC_0015 So. Here we are again. Blogging. What IS blogging anyway? Who made up that word?? Apparently, 'blog' is a merging of the words: web+log. Web log? WTH? Whatever…it's not really important is it? It's a blog. It's MY blog. Blog away. Ok. I will.

The photo is of Bear. Bravest of the brave in the house – Chickens-Ville Arizona outside. ;) good! But her fear is touching.

Someone asked me recently how I find the 'time' to blog. And yes, I'm busy – but. My answer is that I do not 'find' the time...I MAKE the time, usually late at night after everything is done. Or not done. When I should be asleep. When my brain starts to work overtime…when I think about things that really, I could do without thinking about. But, being insomniac, what the hell eh? Might as well do something with the time? And boring the world to tears [or with tears] seems a good use of otherwise wasted [stressing out] time.

I 'MAKE' the time for my sanity. This blog is not really written for other people, as I've mentioned before – I am selfishly writing it for me, and sometimes I write posts for  other people's benefit. But I'd be a liar if I said I write the blog for the greater good. I am not a Saint. I don't. I always hope that my posts are useful to women like me. Of course I do. I hope I give some small encouragement. I hope they find ME before they find the Doomsayers. Or the Religious Nut cases…wow are they scary!?

But as I said when I started this, I am writing to save myself. To 'vent into the BlogUverse' if you will. The people who follow this will understand – most of us are the same. Well, it's not like we're writing to win an award is it?? We're writing to vent. Writing to clear our heads. We're not writing to upset people or inspire people particularly…we are writing our FEAR out. Writing our hearts out. Writing to feel calmer. Writing to remain sane.

This year has already been quite frightening. I lost CJ in March. I seem to be losing Sarah. This weekend I lost Pateeta…and now one of my dearest has just been diagnosed…I AM SICK OF THIS! [see: rage]

The rage seems to appear when there's either a death or a new dx. New dx in the family – well. That's just a bit hard to swallow. It's just rude and infuriating. Although I am pleased I am able to offer advice from experience. ONE good thing eh? Oh joy.

But I am hoping [so hoping] that I will be able to help. Be able to ease this persons journey. I am hoping I can say the right things at the right time. One thing I do know is, that this is hard.

Very hard.


  1. What a loss we suffer with Pateeta's death. Whoa. I'm glad I came to your post because I was able to get a freakin clue. A lovely post from both you and her daughter.

    Sorry to hear about your suffering too. My friend I wrote about for Livestrong has only a few weeks left on the planet. He is so young with two young children and a wife.

    Keep your humor! It's mandatory.

  2. My favorite songwriter, Todd Snider, says he doesn't write songs to change the audience's mind about anything, but to ease his own mind about everything. Such is blogging, I believe. Write on!

  3. Each new diagnosis hits hard. But what can you do but fight? You fight with the supporting arms of many around you, and if you lose that fight those arms will hang low and weep that you have gone. But in that time you have to laugh, and hope, and live your life.

    But yes. Bloody hard.

  4. I so get it all .....the need to vent into a universe that seems at times to be raging against me...but also to keep my sanity at the losses that seem to never end. It is woman like yourself that helps me to remember i am not alone...so keep on blogging and living for yourself and for us!!!!!!

  5. Of course I will. Humor is cancer-proof. Or vice versa. Cancer is humor proof? Nah.

  6. Humour is deffo cancer proof :) Wish you Americans would learn to spell eheheh


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