what happens on the last one...oops..and TGIF!!

Friday 8th August

So. Sorry about the last post being sent a zillion times - it seems there was a spam problem at Blogger that turned in a general problem I think. Anyway, never mind, as I am sure you all have a delete button...and deleted me forty times! Aaargh - from Sandhy - delete delete...

The last post [when I look back on it, which I seldom do] seems a rather self pitying and pathetic post. I don’t mean to be like that [a whinging Pom! eek], but some days...well, what can I say? You just feel sorry for yourself.Thinking about dying rather soon is not a very cheery thing. Not very nice I know, [in fact, pretty revolting] but there’s nothing you can do. And I refuse to make this blog into a ‘pretend’ blog - some days you’ll just have to put up with my BS – and I know you all do, so I am not worried. Oh, I know what...Thanks!

Problem is, all my friends are on holiday. I am jealous - that’s a fact. Plus I miss them. Since December all the ‘holiday’ I have had has been for surgery or chemo...I really need a break at this point, and because of my timing, I have been refused until the end of September. I have to take my one little week then. OMG!! I can’t WAIT! Seems that catalogues are more important than LIFE sometimes...hmmm. NOT in my life any more. But saying that, I love my job [mostly because of the people I work with], so I can manage this wait. Just about. Shriek - gibber...

And today I shaved my head! What fun - not...but at least now I know whatever hair grows out is new and not 'chemo hair' - I have a serious problem with that, so I refuse to have it on my head. This week the last 5 eyebrows fell out [what? idiot things!] and all the rest of my hair , so now I am really as bald as a coot! I reckon that at least having eyebrows and lashes will be really cheering - at least then I can wear make-up! Seems that usually they grow back first so here’s hoping.

Oh, and hello Billy! Thanks for all your thoughts/wishes passed on by Mum - feel free to comment on the blog - your comments could be helpful for other people to see what you think. Actually I can’t imagine what you’re going through - makes my experience seem like a walk in the park.

Anyhoo - today I am feeling a lot better - still get the idiotic tired spells but I force myself to work through them now - I don’t sleep at night so why sleep in the day?? Andrew brought me a fan - it’s quite useful every now and then - but am still having BIG problems with beastly hot flashes. They wake you up! Grrr. Five times a night??? Not normal!

yesterdays post!

sorry about the multiple postings from yesterday! It seems the blog or pc has gone mad and repeats itself a bit...ignore, delete delete etc

thanks
[hope this one doesn't do it too!]

Portugal in my kitchen!

what happens on the last one...more effects

Tuesday 5th August


So. Clara has gone and left a big hole where she was. It was so good to have her here, reminding me again of how lucky I am to have so many wonderful friends. How many people can say that their friends cross the Sea, bringing wine, food, cigarettes and good cheer? Cook dinner and listen for hours to a load of old waffle? Honestly, Pat, Clara and Jacket have been my mainstays here, and the Bamster and the Rhonster [whaahahaha - yes, yes, yes - vampires!] have been my daily chatter – I swear not a day goes by without some little message from them, news about their kids, dogs, families...it’s brilliant. And of course there’s Em. And Mum. And Shell. What more could I ask for?

Today:
Bad things:
I am [quite strangely] still feeling sick rather a lot, and tired as a very tired thing. [what is the most tired thing eh?] And very miserable. As I have 6 billion ton of work, this is not a scenario I can cope with. Trying not to be tired or go for a kip, and trying to get on with things as much as possible. Deadlines looming, so I really can’t afford to take any time out. This is difficult, but manageable. So far. I just keep thinking it’ll go away soon. I hope so! I can’t remember a time when I didn’t feel exhausted – roll on that day!

Today was one of those days where I just felt like crying at every little thing – who knows why? It’s hard to pin point a reason. Is there one? Who knows. And does it make any difference? Not really – you feel like crying, then you should just cry. Makes your eyes look like road maps, and your face feel like a big fire. Lovely. Doesn’t help that everyone I work with is on holiday right now. Holiday?? God, I would so love to be on holiday – all my holiday this year has been spent on ‘surgery’ and ‘chemo’. Great. NOT. Not that I begrudge my friends their holidays – of course not – it’s just that I feel like I have worked myself into a frenzy here and maybe no-one has noticed how hard it has been for me to do this. Maybe only Em can understand this – having been through the same thing. If this doesn’t happen to you, you cannot understand how hard it is – then again, who would wish it on another? Not me.

Good things:
The joint pains are GONE. Hoorah! Still have very swollen hands and feet, but it’s not too painful, so I can manage no problemo! My hands just feel ‘fat’? Oh well, not too long now eh? And it seems I may have veins again at last too. And we are guzzling the Planalto merrily, and why not? Now to wait for the hair to grow in - the end of this week I am definitely shaving off the horrible ‘chemo’ hair. Yuck! Grow new stuff is the plan. Blah – I am off to guzzle more wine and feel sorry for myself - why not? Heh heh

what happens on the last one...and a DAY OFF at last!

Friday 1st August

Amazing! It’s already August!! I can’t believe it really - all this year has seemed to be divided up into 3 week sections - go for chemo, spend 2 weeks wondering what new and interesting stupid thing my body will do in revolt, spend one week feeling better, then off to be nuked again! So now it’s s little bit weird, as I am just waiting to feel better - quite odd. Suddenly the year seems to have sped by at a rate of knots and I am now able to get my head around other people saying ‘well, that was quick’. It seems it now. But it didn’t before that’s for sure. So this is a good thing, as less people are at risk of being slapped round the ear for making facile remarks quite without realising the effect it has on me. Violence has been avoided! Hoorah!

Next division of time is the 3 month version, and as I am pretty much an air head at the moment [I do think I’ll colour my new hair blonde heh heh...ok, girls, just a joke!] I shall probably forget that it’s THREE whole months away anyway. Some days I wonder if my head wasn’t actually joined on I’d have left it somewhere. Quite likely. But hopefully the chemo brain effect wears off sooner rather than later [this can take months? oops] – I have more lists of things than a Mad List Collector. It will be nice to be able to have just ONE.

Today:
Bad things:
Still have joint pain - when will this go away? I mean really, it’s getting a bit tedious now.
Exhausted still - even after sleeping last night for the ENTIRE night!! OMG! A miracle...woke at 5.00 am and was amazed. So, hope on the horizon for being able to sleep again - might be Clara’s good influence, as she is rather like a dormouse, and slept all day yesterday while I got some work done. Great - it appears to be rubbing off on me!

Good things:
I have Clara here - the rain has finally stopped for the day and the BEST THING: I have a DAY OFF!!! I am quite confused as to what to do with an entire day to myself – a day off? well I never. Three days in a row, all to myself, to do what I like. Brilliant [priceless??]