Tuesday, 5 August 2008

what happens on the last one...more effects

Tuesday 5th August

So. Clara has gone and left a big hole where she was. It was so good to have her here, reminding me again of how lucky I am to have so many wonderful friends. How many people can say that their friends cross the Sea, bringing wine, food, cigarettes and good cheer? Cook dinner and listen for hours to a load of old waffle? Honestly, Pat, Clara and Jacket have been my mainstays here, and the Bamster and the Rhonster [whaahahaha - yes, yes, yes - vampires!] have been my daily chatter – I swear not a day goes by without some little message from them, news about their kids, dogs, families...it’s brilliant. And of course there’s Em. And Mum. And Shell. What more could I ask for?

Bad things:
I am [quite strangely] still feeling sick rather a lot, and tired as a very tired thing. [what is the most tired thing eh?] And very miserable. As I have 6 billion ton of work, this is not a scenario I can cope with. Trying not to be tired or go for a kip, and trying to get on with things as much as possible. Deadlines looming, so I really can’t afford to take any time out. This is difficult, but manageable. So far. I just keep thinking it’ll go away soon. I hope so! I can’t remember a time when I didn’t feel exhausted – roll on that day!

Today was one of those days where I just felt like crying at every little thing – who knows why? It’s hard to pin point a reason. Is there one? Who knows. And does it make any difference? Not really – you feel like crying, then you should just cry. Makes your eyes look like road maps, and your face feel like a big fire. Lovely. Doesn’t help that everyone I work with is on holiday right now. Holiday?? God, I would so love to be on holiday – all my holiday this year has been spent on ‘surgery’ and ‘chemo’. Great. NOT. Not that I begrudge my friends their holidays – of course not – it’s just that I feel like I have worked myself into a frenzy here and maybe no-one has noticed how hard it has been for me to do this. Maybe only Em can understand this – having been through the same thing. If this doesn’t happen to you, you cannot understand how hard it is – then again, who would wish it on another? Not me.

Good things:
The joint pains are GONE. Hoorah! Still have very swollen hands and feet, but it’s not too painful, so I can manage no problemo! My hands just feel ‘fat’? Oh well, not too long now eh? And it seems I may have veins again at last too. And we are guzzling the Planalto merrily, and why not? Now to wait for the hair to grow in - the end of this week I am definitely shaving off the horrible ‘chemo’ hair. Yuck! Grow new stuff is the plan. Blah – I am off to guzzle more wine and feel sorry for myself - why not? Heh heh

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