thinking too much?

I posted this earlier. On the Facebook group. Then I thought about it. And decided to post it here too.

Just a thought for everyone who is still in chemo. Or has recurrence. or is still struggling at all. A new diagnosis – crap right?  Definitely worse than someone buying you jeans from Sainsbury’s…and that is BAD.

I have just been wandering through my old photos. Aren't pictures emotive? I had Stage 3B cancer here – and had no idea…I still can’t believe it.

The 2008 ones, when I still had cancer, are quite an emotional roller coaster for me. I don't usually look through them. But I did this evening. There are pictures of me with Grace [my grand daughter] just after I had my hair cut off, ready for losing it via chemo. I recall how I thought then that Grace might never see me again. Or I might never see her again. I remember thinking quite coldly and clearly about how I would organise the girls [my lovely step daughters] to look after the FH. And how I would get Mum and Dad to do this that and the other. I remember Grace asking me over and over if I would be ''all right''. And me telling her that of course I would be. And wondering all the time if I was lying.

There is a photo of me with my brother – and I remember thinking that I didn’t want him to leave. He came all the way from Brighton. I was so chuffed. I just wanted him to stay for a while – but life gets in the way. Doesn’t it. I just didn’t think I’d ever see him again either.

Get that horrific wig!

It just struck me that no matter whether it is a first dx or a recurrence...we feel the same fear. The same regrets. The same sense of loneliness.  The same sense of ‘WTF’???

And I just wanted to say - sometimes I am frivolous on here. Maybe the things I say aren't quite what you need to hear. BUT. I do feel that fright. I do feel how you feel. Never doubt it. But I can’t be serious all the time. And I don’t feel I should be actually. I can’t do downer posts because I am not that person – but saying that, I am so bloody lucky. And very very grateful for that – I can’t believe it some days. Remission – get it on!! And now, astoundingly, I have days when I don’t think about recurrence at all. But they are a rarity I must admit.

I wish good health for everyone - I wish cancer would simply fuck right off. This evening I am just thinking of you all - and it brings me to tears. I wish we could all just get together – all the women [the fighters!!] I have met through this blog, through Facebook - just once. I think that has to be my next fundraiser girls!

lots of love to you all. Just keep your head up!!