I have been wondering these past few weeks if I am depressed. But I don't really know what depression is or how it feels. I am usually a pro-active, energetic and cheerful person – recently I am exhausted. And quite cross. And bored with things. And uninterested. This worries me.
This afternoon was a perfect example. I was working this morning. Lots to do. And I was enjoying it, as it's a lovely client who is open to suggestion. I was grafting away, when suddenly I just needed to rest. To sleep. This is not normal for me – usually I manage with a few hours sleep a night.
But this was overwhelming. I had to go to bed. I hate this! It reminds me of just before I was diagnosed. Even though I know it's not the same. It felt like my body weighed 100 ton. And my mind was a blank. I went to bed and slept for 4 hours! Not normal. I am worried.
The last few weeks I have been feeling strange – upset. The smallest thing makes me feel like crying - or I am just bumbling along, then I just start crying for no reason. This sucks. I need to get away from this and I don't know how. I don't know what to do. Or who to talk to. I hide it as much as possible.
I am in remission. I should be able to enjoy it – usually I do and I am ever so grateful. But the last few weeks, I feel as if 'Something Is Looming'…I feel like I am living on the edge. I am afraid of the Kenya cycle all of a sudden – the other girls seem so much fitter than I. How will I cope? Will I be able to do it? I don't HAVE 5 hours in every day to cycle for training. Or even two. Will I manage? Will the team help me?
Why am I so scared of life all of a sudden?