36. 3 days until chapter II of the chemo

Friday 25 April

Hoorah. Today has been excellent. I am feeling really good! Yesterday was bad, apart from a gorgeous pot of flowers from my sweetie pie sister-in-law. It did make me chuckle, as I thought it’d be a rather good hat. See above – know what I mean?

Wednesday, when Andrew had to cut off all my hair because it was falling out in great big pieces, was awful. It was like I got lost and ‘I’ wasn’t here any more. It’s like being stripped of all your defences, when you really need them the most. Anyway, I now look like Sigourney Weaver in Aliens. I was very upset, and I actually frightened myself when I caught an involuntary glimpse of my head in the bathroom mirror and almost jumped out of my skin [more chuckling – but rather weakly I might add...] but now I’m not upset any more. Maybe I am a bit superficial you think? heh heh. Onward and upward chaps! Envisage waking up with no hair. It’s incredible. Plus your head gets cold!! How do bald men do that ‘walking around without a hat’ thing? Are they crazy? Are they Rambo in disguise? Have they no temperature gauge? Will have to ask my Dad, as he is one of them. My head does NOT like being without hair, and it declares itself volubly by freezing the rest of me until something is done about it.

But today is very good, because I did three things that help me to be positive and feel more like myself again.

First thing was: I drove the car for the first time since the surgery! Cool!! At last! And I didn’t run over anyone or drive into anything. Celebration. I was nervous in case I had forgotten how. My concentration level was my main concern, so I have waited until I feel completely competent, rather than squash a few pedestrians and then remember that I am driving a machine that weighs a few tons and should not be taken lightly. Plus I can now open the door and put the seatbelt on by myself, a major achievement thank you!

Second thing, I managed to get a pair of jeans on! Wow – I now have such a fat butt from sitting around doing nothing except working at the computer that it was a rather energetic event trying to get them on. I need to do something about this or my jeans will explode. That can be my next project now that the hair is behind me. Or rather, it was at my feet and is now gone.

Third thing – I went to have my blood taken at the doctor today [this is to be sure I am ok to have the next session of chemo on Tuesday], and I wore a wig for the first time. It is so weird, I can’t explain. BUT, fantastic, as no-one notices. This is a good thing as my brother is coming to visit this weekend, and I don't want him to have a nervous breakdown at the sight of me. A sister who looks like a combat soldier? hmm - no no no...I don’t think so!

The wig was also the reason I decided to go in the car [it’s a disgrace really, as the doctors surgery is about 5 minutes walk away]. I was concerned in case the wig flew off! Imagine that – might have been rather stressful, so to be avoided at all costs. Oops, there goes my carbon footprint eh? Never mind – I have concrete, existing things to worry about – can’t be worrying about things dreamt up by people with nothing better to think about I’m afraid. Plus I thought that IF I decided driving the car was a silly idea after all, it wouldn’t be too far away for Andrew to go and get it later.

Best thing is that for this week I appear to have passed the tiredness zone, and only get tired at about 6.30 / 7.00. But that’s after working all day, so to be expected. I now have a better idea of what to expect in this next 3 week section of my life. Having it divided up is quite irritating, as the time either drags while you’re waiting for the chemo, or zooms by at a rate of knots when something nice [like feeling wide awake!] is going on.

So today I feel MUCH better again. I feel almost like Sandhy!