Thursday, 5 June 2008

back to 'normal' just in time

Thursday 5th June

First, something nice I want to share seeing as I’ve been so grouchy lately. A brilliant way to improve your day is to see and hear this site - it's so emotive and moving, it's almost mesmerising. The video is below. Gives you a great feeling of peace, at the same time it can make you almost tearful; the prose is excellent. The photos fantastic. A wonderful imaginary world where everything gets on and all is cool.

see here: ashes and snow [this link will take you to the web site]

I would love to play that music and prose at the chemo place - I am sure everyone would feel a lot better. And if they didn’t feel better, they’d at least feel calmer without a shadow of a doubt. I might have to somehow convince Andrew to buy me the book - after all, it is our wedding anniversary tomorrow....hmmm. I suppose I could buy it for him? Sneaky thought...

I am finally back to ‘normal’ just in time for Tuesdays chemo. Yesterday I felt so energetic I amazed myself, but it’s quite worrying that this time I’ve only felt better in the last half of the very last week. After this one next week, there are two more. I am worried about the cumulative effects here. But at least then my hair can start growing again. This week my head has become pretty painful again, which last time signified that it was all falling out, so perhaps the remnants will disappear after this next chemo - and there I was thinking I might have a head start [ho ho].

If I say 'at least there’ll only be two more', it’s sort of idiotic in a way, as I know full well that it doesn’t just end there. Things don’t magically get back to normal straight away. Although I think that’s what a lot of people assume; "Ah, good, once the last one’s done, that’s it eh?". Er - WRONG. You win a rubber chicken...

But I’ll deal with that when it arrives; compartmentalising again. The nearer I get to the end of the chemo, the more I think about the fact that the cancer could come back [you’d expect the opposite wouldn’t you?] – my emotions are a seesaw, which isn’t good for interpersonal relationships – my poor friends – if they don’t ask me about it I think they’re not taking it seriously. If they do ask me, I tell them 'I’m fine' which is rubbish – so they can’t win either way. Remarks that are meant to be helpful and encouraging can set me off something horrible – and it’s not their fault at all. Good job my friends are understanding. Don’t worry chaps – eventually this’ll all blow over and I will probably look back and cringe...but at the moment there’s nothing I can do.

And to conquer this 'bad mood' that arrived on the weekend, I have initiated yet another 'control' mechanism. Can’t think why I forgot how much this helps me. Having gained 9 pounds [that’s 4 kilograms in the more civilised parts of the world] I am now on a healthy eating drive! No more crisps, chocolate and other stuff. Comfort food - love it – and it loves me too, as it never 'leaves the building' but remains on my derriere.

Having read that the menopause can cause weight gain, I decided to get a grip on this before it’s too late – the longer I ignore it and whine about it [I am constantly whinging about how ugly I feel – I am the Queen of Whinging People at the moment], the harder it’ll be to lose it. I have never understood how it is that virtually overnight one can gain weight, whereas it takes forever to lose it again? I swear I just have to LOOK at a pizza and my butt gets bigger. And being bald, scarred, tired, feeling ill, PLUS feeling like a Fat Bastard [oops forgot the hot flashes, my my] – well, at least the weight gain I CAN and will deal with.

So our fridge is looking a tad tedious at the moment. Full of horrible green and nutritious things. But I feel purposeful again, which is handy. Plus it’s EVER so healthy...

No comments:

Post a Comment

If you would like to comment on anything in this blog, or share your own thoughts, feel free, I would love to hear from you.