emotional uproar

Tuesday 03rd June

I did wonder the other day if one ought to concentrate on just one subject on ones blog. For example – I am blathering on about ovarian cancer, so should my blog be ONLY about that? Well, I am not sure if we need to be purists in the blog world – so I just put whatever affects me 'because' of the cancer as well. Seems logical, if tedious. And anyway, you needn't read this unless you wish to, so who am I to bother about it?

Today I am totally unimpressed. Usually I am sort of half heartedly disgusted with the way some people behave and can ignore it, but today I am totally appalled. Sense of humour failure...ranting and raging. Good way to burn calories!

Strike One: Friday; I rang up Saga travel insurance to tell them about the fiasco that is my life at present, as I need insurance to travel for work. The man I spoke to was a complete pig. Really. If he had been over a desk from me he would now be in intensive care – where IS Saga anyway?? I’d love to go there and bash him. Saga’s underwriters decided that I have 'exceeded their limit' [I have? This is the only thing I've ever had wrong with me - how rude of me to get cancer eh?] – so they have booted me off the policy and will send a refund. Bless them. To death. Hello Swearing Disease...how humiliating! Must let Force know what happened, as Saga are on the list for cancer patients to call.

All they had to do was tell me they wouldn’t cover me for anything cancer related – no problem. Logical. But it appears that if you have have/had cancer, if the baggage handlers lose your luggage, it’s your fault. If you’re caught in a traffic jam and miss your plane, that’s also down to the cancer. Interesting.

Strike Two: Saturday; the other thing that did my head in was the lead up to the weekends 'Stoke Promotion' BBQ. I have been promising to do a BBQ for the Boys of ’72 - last year every time I tried to do it I had to travel to Portugal. You sort of want to do everything immediately once this kind of thing happens to you, and a BBQ would be something special that everyone could enjoy. Unfortunately, one of the group decided that this was an awful idea but instead of having the guts to say his piece [or tell me beforehand], he sent a half literate poison letter to everyone [except us] the day before, telling them they were 'fired' as friends, as he had wanted a 'macho' celebratory booze up. Hmm – allergic to women then? So of course I felt awful.

Obviously this was a topic of conversation at the BBQ – well planned, very spiteful. So something I made a huge effort for was a little bit spoilt by a person who is obviously 'ver'’ spoilt. Pretty upsetting. Other than that it was a lovely afternoon, as these people have been so supportive about the cancer, and they’re all very laid back about talking about it if they want to know something. Pretty relaxing in that respect – plus very nice to have the girls there too. But shattering that’s for sure! No more entertaining for the duration I’m afraid!

Strike Three: I noticed that my eyelashes and eyebrows are falling out. Oh what fun to resemble a boiled egg. And please...don’t say 'don’t worry they will grow back' – shave off your hair, your eyebrows and your eyelashes. Then add a few weeks of sleepless nights and the menopause etc blah de blah – it will be a right old eye opener. You would be amazed by the things that having no hair does to your confidence. [and your temper, as if you haven’t noticed...]. Not to mention no mascara? Eek! That’s the sunglasses ensconced on the face for the duration! Thank God for Prada.

So it was one small thing upon another and I finally lost it. Andrew arrived home to a jibbering wreck – it’s hard for me to put this here, as I am usually so positive – but all my positivity went out the window with these silly, silly things. Everything just jumps out of all proportion. I ended up going to bed, as I couldn’t find a way to vent my anger or stop being upset. I was beside myself – I told Andrew that I would quite happily eat all the pain killers have and all the sleeping tablets I have all at once, if only to get away from all this bullshit. Just to sleep for a long time - get some rest and wake up normal again in a few months. Seems stupid now, as these things aren’t important really, but small things become HUGE and bring things into focus that you’re trying REALLY hard not to think about. That’s the trouble with chemo - your emotions are dementedly up and down. I think I should be on tranquillisers, for everyone else’s safety.

But saying that, today I am feeling positive again - amazing how quickly my moods change – a shame for people who know me – must be hard to get their heads around this emotional anarchy that is cancer/surgery/chemo/menopause/chaos of everyday living...I know how hard it is, as I have to put up with myself every minute of every day...but every day is better than the day before as I am almost 4/6th of the way there – so why don’t I feel 'happy' right now?

I’ll tell you why. Because every day at the moment I am wondering if the cancer will come back – every day I am wondering if I will survive. Every day I am wondering if I will see my friends children grow up – will I have the time to do everything I want to do? Life is so short anyway, with this additional threat it seems like I need to grab at every small opportunity.

It would be a lot easier without all these additional niggles that’s for sure. Wonder why you can’t have chemo whilst in cryogenic suspension? That would be great – wake up and it’s all done and dusted...