Monday, 15 December 2008

the thin line

Friday 12th December

Oh sh*t. I just went to look at the message board under my vote page on the FB contest. It's really cool that people can leave messages, as they are almost like a hug. Today there's a message there from a man who lost his wife to OC.

I read it, and as usual I thought I'd send a reply to say thanks. I try to send a note mostly, as it seems bad manners not too, and after all, they have made the effort to send me a message AND to vote. Which is very kind.

Anyway, I started to write him a note, then what he'd said suddenly messed up my head completely [I am editing here - most of this was full of curses, but I am calmer now!]. I didn’t want to look at the computer screen for one more second, it was as if it might attack me - I jumped out of the chair and ran into the kitchen and had this massive crying attack. Then I freaked out because I was having a crying attack, decided I must get a grip and started running around the house 'doing things' - making the beds, putting the washing on, tidying up, as if I were going to drop dead any second! I caught site of me speeding past the bedroom mirror, white as a sheet and looking like a mad woman. And all the while I was thinking but for the Grace of God, that could have been Andrew writing that message.

And THAT thought is what finally calmed me down – he won’t have to write, that. Ever. But it really woke me up to what a thin line there is between tootling along in everyday life NOT thinking about dying of cancer, and what’s actually happening under the surface.

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