Friday 8th January
well, not a very good day actually. I know everyone thinks I am really positive and strong. Well, don’t be surprised when I am not. I am just like you - normal - I also freak out at the slightest thing. Not spiders - no. But cancer returning? Yes.
I do try to be positive, mostly. But today was pretty bad. I am not sure if it was the circuit training or just a glitch, but all day today I have had horrible groin pain where the original cyst was removed [maybe ghost pain like when you have a leg chopped off? god what a thought] and terrible low back pain. I was trying to work through this, but had to jump up every half hour and walk around - not too good for the concentration! Work, jump up - work, jump up - brilliant! like yo-yo girl....
So. Walked around the kitchen [which is small!] crying and railing away. Then my Mum phoned and when I put the phone back, I smashed my head on a hanging candle thingy we have – right on my new scar!! Well, that was it - I screamed and cried and cursed at the top of my lungs. Good job we have a 300 year old house with very thick walls.
I think the DHL chap was a bit startled at my appearance today [he is used to me being in a dressing gown, but not used to a wicked hag who is rather abrupt] and let me sign without checking. Nice delivery by the way - it was 5 copies of the book I illustrated for my friend Isabelle’s Mum. So one good thing today. The books are so cute!! I feel rather pleased at having helped Jeannine realise her book. Jeannine wrote it - it’s lovely. I am so proud that I was the person to illustrate it.
Anyway. Back to complaining. Well, not totally. Andrew is feeling better [yippee! fantastic – he has been so ill, it’s great to see him back to a semblance of normality], so off he went and got me bottle of wine and a bit of shopping – good thing too, as otherwise I should have had to go myself – hmmm, bad idea. I am NOT feeling sociable at all. So that was very nice.
But I also feel bad, as one of my dearest friends brother is having terrible problems. Life threatening, and horrible. I think of him every day, as I know that just like me, he must wish that his life were normal – and that he was better. I AM better, so I can really sympathise. He is on constant treatment [painful and unpleasant] and his family are always wondering. So, we all send him our best wishes and thoughts...Nelson, be well soon.
And [just so you know I am not perfect - er, doh] I spent all day today crying. I think it’s the ‘Check Up Thing’ - we trundle along for 3 months [ideally] not thinking about cancer; then suddenly we have to think about it, as we have to have 'The Check Up'. Which is great, as we have 3 months more of being cancer FREE afterward, IF everything is ok when we go. Hopefully. But also not so great, as it reminds one of where we actually ARE. In the land of: 'Oh yes, you may have 5 years to live' or 'you may not'. Oh that totally fucks up your head. And no, I am not apologetic for the obscenity - that’s all there is to it. Try it - you’ll see.
Oh and thank you everyone for NOT saying 'it’ll be ok' – that would really be infuriating. I know that’s the ‘thing’ to say – but actually, it’s not – the ‘thing’ to say is 'I HOPE everything will be ok'. But even so. Thanks to everyone who 'thinks' everything will be ok – I hope so too. I really do.
well, not a very good day actually. I know everyone thinks I am really positive and strong. Well, don’t be surprised when I am not. I am just like you - normal - I also freak out at the slightest thing. Not spiders - no. But cancer returning? Yes.
I do try to be positive, mostly. But today was pretty bad. I am not sure if it was the circuit training or just a glitch, but all day today I have had horrible groin pain where the original cyst was removed [maybe ghost pain like when you have a leg chopped off? god what a thought] and terrible low back pain. I was trying to work through this, but had to jump up every half hour and walk around - not too good for the concentration! Work, jump up - work, jump up - brilliant! like yo-yo girl....
So. Walked around the kitchen [which is small!] crying and railing away. Then my Mum phoned and when I put the phone back, I smashed my head on a hanging candle thingy we have – right on my new scar!! Well, that was it - I screamed and cried and cursed at the top of my lungs. Good job we have a 300 year old house with very thick walls.
I think the DHL chap was a bit startled at my appearance today [he is used to me being in a dressing gown, but not used to a wicked hag who is rather abrupt] and let me sign without checking. Nice delivery by the way - it was 5 copies of the book I illustrated for my friend Isabelle’s Mum. So one good thing today. The books are so cute!! I feel rather pleased at having helped Jeannine realise her book. Jeannine wrote it - it’s lovely. I am so proud that I was the person to illustrate it.
Anyway. Back to complaining. Well, not totally. Andrew is feeling better [yippee! fantastic – he has been so ill, it’s great to see him back to a semblance of normality], so off he went and got me bottle of wine and a bit of shopping – good thing too, as otherwise I should have had to go myself – hmmm, bad idea. I am NOT feeling sociable at all. So that was very nice.
But I also feel bad, as one of my dearest friends brother is having terrible problems. Life threatening, and horrible. I think of him every day, as I know that just like me, he must wish that his life were normal – and that he was better. I AM better, so I can really sympathise. He is on constant treatment [painful and unpleasant] and his family are always wondering. So, we all send him our best wishes and thoughts...Nelson, be well soon.
And [just so you know I am not perfect - er, doh] I spent all day today crying. I think it’s the ‘Check Up Thing’ - we trundle along for 3 months [ideally] not thinking about cancer; then suddenly we have to think about it, as we have to have 'The Check Up'. Which is great, as we have 3 months more of being cancer FREE afterward, IF everything is ok when we go. Hopefully. But also not so great, as it reminds one of where we actually ARE. In the land of: 'Oh yes, you may have 5 years to live' or 'you may not'. Oh that totally fucks up your head. And no, I am not apologetic for the obscenity - that’s all there is to it. Try it - you’ll see.
Oh and thank you everyone for NOT saying 'it’ll be ok' – that would really be infuriating. I know that’s the ‘thing’ to say – but actually, it’s not – the ‘thing’ to say is 'I HOPE everything will be ok'. But even so. Thanks to everyone who 'thinks' everything will be ok – I hope so too. I really do.
I'm with you!!
ReplyDeleteThe first time I had cancer I felt like being told I had cancer I always thought the year after was more difficult emotionally than the six months I was in treatment. At least when in treatment, I had the comfort of knowing I was doing something. After treatment I felt helpless. This time I fear it will be ten times harder emotionally. Having been betrayed by my body is difficult to get over.
ReplyDeleteSo... I guess all I'm trying to say is that you're not alone.
thanks - I agree, it's the helplessness that's scary sometimes. I am a control freak, so it really upsets me that I am not the one in control here. Although I try to be! ;o) Some days I succeed better than others.
ReplyDeletex
I'm right in line with you!! This cancer sucks and nothing's going change that. I get joy out of almost all days but my carefree, looking forward to the future days have been crushed. Rant on, girl!
ReplyDelete