Monday, 5 January 2009

One of those BAD days.

Saturday 3rd continued...

I know that probably everyone who has had cancer has the kind of day I am having today at some point.

Can't be cheerful ALL the time. And I think that’s the problem - trying to be so bloody cheerful and positive all the time. And usually I succeed. But today, not. Cheerful - bollocks. I'm tired of being cheerful.

I just wanted to go shopping like a normal person, so I had Aj drop me in town - it was really cold today - about 2 degrees here, in the sun. So I got all bundled up and off I went. Usually I hate shopping, but I had that head on where I was really in the mood for it. This is a very rare thing!

But the cold - ooo, it was awful - it seems to affect the surgery site something rotten. My stomach started getting these shooting pains and then in the last shop I ventured into, I felt like I was going to pass out. Yay - the assistant even asked if I was ok, so I must have looked a bit shocking [even then I was impressed at someone being kind though]. So I had to call Aj and get him to pick me up, and just waiting about in the freezing cold almost made me cry - I was SO frustrated and SO cross!!

Came home and went to bed - this is the first time I've done that for an age. That made me upset too, as I feel like I've stepped backward - and I know we all tell ourselves how 'lucky' we are, and how we 'should be grateful' etc etc blah de blah - but really today I just wanted to smash something - it felt like washing your clothes in blood - they will never be clean so why bother?? I didn't feel very grateful at all and just wanted to be in that place before I got cancer and became 'wimp woman'. Even while I am typing this I am thinking about Nat being so strong and wondering why I am such an ungrateful thing, but I can't help it.

Well, there we are and I am sure tomorrow I will wake up and bash myself over the head for this, as I will be ok again - but I did wonder...maybe we all have these days, but feel we can't admit it, as we feel we have to be 'positive' and 'cheerful' all the time for everyone else to feel better. And as you know - usually I AM. But not today.

I am so glad I have this place to go to.

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