Friday, 17 April 2009

Last week part 01

Friday, 17 April 2009

AJ recently gave me the fright of my life. He casually showed me a couple of lumps that he’d noticed on his rib cage. Lumps?? What?! When he showed them to me, I felt physically sick. Hello hot flash and thoughts that don’t bear mentioning. And the worst thing was, I suddenly realised how HORRIBLE it has been for him, watching me go through all this cancer bullshit, and wondering if I would live or not, manage or not, cope or not - at the time I understood to a point, but as soon as there was something wrong with HIM, I really 'got it'. The worry. That sounds disgusting - as if what has happened to AJ is just affecting me…it’s not, but it certainly made me think. Cancer can make you quite thoughtless in some respects, and overly solicitous in others. It’s a stupid disease and blows your thought processes all to hell. Not to mention your memory! Well, that’s just shot.

Last year AJ had heart palpitations. They were from stress, and he had to have an ECG, as he kept waking up with a pounding heart, a dead or tingling arm and a feeling of panic. Poor thing – I know he hid a lot of his worry from me. Luckily he was fine once he knew what was going on, as he is also a strong person who takes control. But what our partners and family go through is sometimes harder than what WE go through. At least we make the choices and are in control [well, we think we are!]. I do sometimes wish I hadn’t had to tell anyone – but I do rather think they may have wondered about the bald head and bloated face! ;o)

For them, it must be agonising sometimes. Neither of us sleeps well any more, and I hate that I have caused that for him. Just typing this makes me cry. I would do anything for AJ not to have to worry so much. Just to have a normal wife who moans about normal everyday things…Grr. Bloody cancer has a lot to answer for I tell you what!! I wish I could grab it and beat the living daylights out of it!!!

Anyway, he went off for a sound scan and the doctors pronounced themselves 99% sure that they are 'fatty lumps' [charming! Lipoma actually] but he has a larger one deeper into his groin, which they couldn’t 'see' with the sound scan, so on Thursday he has to have an MRI scan to check it out. I am so stressed with this!!

But it was quite funny [in a black humour sort of way]. After the GP's appointment, AJ came home and told me he thought he had lymphoma. Lymphoma is an aggressive type of eyes almost fell out…until I realised he meant Lypoma…men!! What are they like??

The word 'lump' just makes me feel like screaming blue murder after last year. AND of course, I am working in Portugal next week, so he will be alone. After him being there for me for every single little test, scan etc, it makes me feel horrible not to be here. Although he doesn't seem that concerned, I know he is worried too, as he is a bit claustrophobic. When I had mine, they just did my head and that was bad enough - ugh - all that banging!! Bah. Work. Grr. I am VERY glad to have a job, but sometimes it would be nice to have a normal 9 - 5 one!! Freelancing sucks sometimes.

1 comment:

  1. The panic associated with the word "lump" sure increases after dealing with a cancer diagnosis. I'm glad they are likely just fatty deposits, but I am so sorry that you both have to deal with this added anxiety.

    I'll be thinking of AJ on Thursday. Big hugs Sandhy!


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