Tuesday, 23 September 2008

gibbering away

Tuesday 23rd September

With 14 days to go until the first 3 monthly check up, my mind is still gibbering away and affecting the Rest Of Me [and probably those around me, long suffering souls that they are]. The Rest Of Me is unfortunately unable to escape it’s evil blathering. I think it would be rather nice to be able to remove one’s head every so often, check it in like a hat, take a break and collect it later. Thanks, yes, Head No 14, the one with the Grade 1 haircut, just pass it over and I’ll dust it off and reattach.

Just to have a break to think about nice things, not THINK or TALK about cancer, and try to remember that other people have things going on too - I find this very hard at the moment. I have become rather a thoughtless person lately I am sure. Even when I try to be thoughtful, half way through I forget what it was I was trying to be thoughtful ABOUT...can’t win eh?

But today has been good - I have been waiting for A to get her results, she had a CT scan last week, and has been chewing her nails ever since, and today was the Big Day. This is where the communications between all we girls who are battling OC becomes a blessing I think. I was so worried about her, and trying to cheer her up while she waited that I forgot about me - great! Finally got her results, and she is clear! What a relief, and I can’t imagine why it should be so, but the fact that she is clear makes me feel more confident that I will be too.

It’s not normal to be thinking about your Life this much. But gone are the days of blithely expecting to live to a hundred, making long term plans has been put on hold for a while, apart from short term things like next weeks little holiday [for which I am eternally grateful I might add! a holiday, at LAST]. One half of my brain is merrily carrying on with life as if nothing horrible has happened, or will happen. The other half is saying 'don’t be stupid, expect the worst at least you’re prepared'. In the middle there’s me, going: "Will You All Kindly Shut Up!?".

The day we go on holiday I am leaving my brain here. It can cogitate away to itself and leave me out of it for a week! I shall be in bimbo mode and Aj can do all the thinking.

In the meantime my hair is growing with a vengeance - good old hair, mine's always been like a mad plant and cost me a fortune in hairdressers bills. Now I can’t wait until I can take the Aforementioned Head to the hairdressers. Just to decide what to do with it? Someone did suggest I dye it green and print ‘Dunlop’ across the back - I am a bit tempted I must say! Tennis Ball Jones, here we come. I have stopped wearing the wig, and just wear a cap or scarf, as I am sure my hair doesn’t want to be flattened all day long. I am hoping it’ll be like a weed and grow quickly toward the light!

And by the way, people don't really seem to notice such short hair. Of course you get the odd one that'll give you an scary look - but eventually my hair will grow back and I'll look normal, and sadly they'll still be rude and thoughtless, so who cares?

The odd thing about the re-growth of all the other hair is that my skin is rough wherever it’s growing back. Not very pleasant, and I am hoping it’s a phase that’ll pass. Plus the teeny weeny hairs that grow on my face have grown in quite a lot more noticeably than they used to be - a bit worrying! Hello, a new complex to add to the others...my face is like a peach. But, there’s always lasers so I don’t care. I will wait and see what happens, as it seems that it’s quite common for quite a bit of hair that comes back to fall out again, change colour or do sundry other mad things.

Hmm - that’s something to look forward to isn’t it? I suppose variety is the Spice of Life, and that’s certainly been true this year - variety that is. Certainly can’t complain that it’s been boring. And having met such a great bunch of girls along the way has been a real blessing too. I now know I am not the only person in the world who can Talk for England heh heh.

And, today I had more flowers from P across the road - he sent them round this evening with his daughter. The others were only just finished, so now I have another lovely vase of Dahlias next to me on my desk. I tell you what, he certainly grows superb Dahlias! So sweet...and so cheering!

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