Wednesday, 17 September 2008

only [?] 19 days to go

Thursday 18th September

After our holiday, the next ‘event’ to deal with is the first of the years’ four 3 monthly check ups. It may be that it’s only [or not ‘only’...depending on the point of view] 19 days until the first one, but it is doing my head in a bit. One minute I don’t think about it at all, the next I can’t think about anything else. I wish I could stop thinking at all some days. It seems AGES to wait, yet seems to be approaching at speed. Whereas the holiday seems to be taking ages to arrive – how is this possible eh? Two time zones in one head? Although after this year, nothing seems impossible any more!

A friend put this really well: "the big picture vs. the day to day". One minute I am serene as a Zen master [in the day to day bit], the next I am wondering what my body is up to now and trying to prepare myself for the worst [the big picture bit], whilst also trying to be positive and concentrate on the fact that I will be 100% clear. And saying that, I feel better than I have felt for ages [over a year I’d reckon, not including this one] so I don’t know what I am worrying about. Which might be the problem actually...

Better to be prepared for the worst? The underlying worry being that the cancer had spread onto my bowel. Niggle, niggle in the back of my mind. Or is it better to hope for the best? The positive aspect being that I have now read all my medical notes, and they say without deviation that the 'debulking' surgery [eww! thanks for that Mr Renninson - makes one feel like a cow] was extremely successful. Bah! I will just do both - multi tasking is becoming a lot easier now that the chemo is finally starting to clear out of my system heh heh. Probably the best plan is to just colour my hair and forget about it!

I now have hair growing as you can see...I can’t explain how this has helped my self esteem. I am still trying to sort out the weight gain and the scar problem. The scar will never go away, but it can definitely be improved upon. Having no muscle tone in your middle is not very attractive at the best of times.

As you know, I have my Personal Trainer [Julie] come every week. Until last week I hadn’t bothered much with that except when she was here. But last Wednesday I suddenly realised that it was me that had to do something. No-one else can help me and the fitter I can get, the better my body will be able to cope with anything [the big picture again! have to think about the old bones now that I have the menopause]. Oops how unfortunate; I have to actually get off my lazy butt. Oh, and I really don’t feel like it I can assure you - I am NOT a great fan of exercise.

But having made the decision [yes, I know...again!] I am now behaving myself and do something active every day. If I don’t do anything I feel guilty. If my diabetic friend can take up kick boxing, then I am sure I can do this circuit training! And it definitely helps to have Julie come round, as I know I wouldn’t do anything at all if she wasn't due every week. Surprisingly, I am already at the point where I can do things I couldn’t do when we started. Building up my 'core strength' apparently...groan. And it’s a far cry from when I’d had the surgery and didn’t think I’d ever be able to do anything properly again.

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