a disaster averted…

yay for me. this week I was heading for another of those 'chaos' attacks. You know when you just want to scream, cry, smash stuff, and generally behave like a maniac? well. Maybe you don't. Maybe you do. Whatever.

What happens is this. I wake up one morning feeling odd. My skin is itchy and doesn't fit. My brain is all over the place. My legs jump. I sleep even less than usual [this is bad, as I am an insomniac since chemo anyway]. Over the next few days, odd becomes 'agitated'. Agitated becomes fraught, and fraught becomes extremely stressed. And the worst thing is – I don't know WHY. Plus I am exhausted with it.

I've had four of those attacks [I will call them 'attacks', as that's what it feels like – I am being attacked by my own brain] since the chemo. I have felt dreadful after each one, as every time, I behave badly, and basically abuse [this is hard to admit] my beloved husband. He takes all the grief for everything & anything that is upsetting me. It's not physical abuse – it's verbal – and it's not good. And he just accepts it and deals with it and saves me every time. His feelings must be hurt, but he allows me a huge latitude since I had cancer. He forgives me everything and anything. He is there to hug me better, no matter what I say or do. You can't ask more than that.

But this is not fair, and not right.  And after the last one I decided this is 'enough'. I can't stand it any more. If I am going to batter someone, it definitely should NOT be my husband. He is the best support I have. What is wrong with me? I had to find a way to deal with this. And, yay, I have. [no, I didn't go and murder my neighbours...although I would probably be forgiven if I did!].

Well. Nothing is wrong with me at any rate. Apparently this is a 'norm' for cancer patients [gosh, we learn something every day eh? It's called 'cancer brain' – FFS!! isn't chemo brain quite enough?!]. And I get out of control. I get so frightened I can't think. I don't even know what is frightening me. I have no idea why I have these stupid 'moments' [isn't that cute? I'm having a 'moment', get away or I might kill you type thing – hmm…'moment' is probably a misnomer].

But, I just managed to hang on this time. Through sheer force of will I sat and watched a film [it was crap]. I drank lots of water. I went to bed early. I didn't get into the wine at all – I read my book [which is also crap by the way]. And I woke up this morning feeling great. The thing is, I am not sure why. Is it because I managed to control the 'attack' or is it because I didn't HAVE an attack?

Does it matter? No. What matters is that I know because I managed to control myself this time, there won't be a next time. Which means I am in control of one more thing. Which means I am one step closer to normality.

What IS normality after having had cancer?? Who knows. But it certainly isn't the norm I was used to before I had it. It's different. And it's new. I hate change so for me this is hard. But at least now I know I can cope with myself. A good start right?