crap day

Right!! Now I know it works, off we go. Clever innit? To get to the actual point of this whole evenings post. Hmm. I have forgotten what I wanted to post about. MERDE!!! I get THAT furious with this – Oh, I have remembered…it's the combination of hot flashes, pain and chemo brain. Drives me mad.

I am so easily distracted – i do wonder if it's a matter of 'forgetting' things or simply a matter of drifting off. I seem to be concentrating on one thing, then 2 minutes later, I am somewhere else completely. Then I am thinking: 'what??' oh yes…' back to the drawing board. Again. Chemo brain. Such fun. NOT.

Today started out rather well. I slept in until 9.00. That's ok – it's Saturday right? And we were out last night. So. I bumbled about the house, checking email, seeing the current catalogue I am making [which I STILL don't quite like], drinking coffee blah blah. Then I decided that maybe I wouldn't go to circuit training today. Ha! The next minute my new 'skort' arrived in the post. Obviously a message from God saying 'get your fat butt into gear'. And I had to go to the post office anyway, so off I went. All skorted up. Felt rather a tart, as the skort is rather short! Class was hideous. Far too much cheery exercise.

eep!! lots of fireworks going off behind our house – hello typos..:o)

Got home and, full of energy, intended to do the garden. Ho ho…NOT. Rained all day. Wisteria, do your worst. I don't care. It's raining. I hate rain. It should rain in the night. Useful.

And that was it. I went into one of those days where even to pick up my hand seems too much trouble. I feel totally leaden. All my energy is gone. Like I should just lie down and go to sleep. Even breathing seems too hard. Uff. Not good.

And the pain in my left side is back. It scares me. I am a wuss. What is it? Sensitive bowel or the cancer has come back? After all, hoiking out and washing your bowels can't get rid of those little dormant cells now can it? Die cells, die…but having them taken out and washed must have consequences right? Hopefully the pain is just a consequence…

Today I don't care if I am a wuss. I had lots of those stupid, horrible hot flashes. So I absconded to the garden [where it is freezing cold] and had a good old cry. I am sick and tired of hot flashes, joint pain, side pain and worrying about bullshit that may never happen [here's hoping].

Why the crying? I am pissed off with hot flashes. I am also pissed off with pains in my side, insomnia, joint pain when I go up the stairs…worrying about a recurrence of this bitching disease and worrying about why they scan women in the USA and not here…and why I am having pains in my head, and why am I worried anyway?? And feeling like I am too young to have this joint BS. Grr.

Ah yes…I know. I should just 'get over it'. Er – not. I am mostly over it, this is true. But some days…well.

Here's a nice photo to cheer you up after this miserable post! My amazing husband.