update

hmm – I haven't felt like blogging for a bit. And even if I had, the Christmas season has been a busy one, keeping me away from the pc – good. Actually I hate/love my pc – it keeps me in touch with everyone, but it also keeps a lot of tedious people in touch with me. Well, not for much longer – being unemployed means I can delete a lot of idiots!!

I have been and I still am, totally exhausted. Not a good thing. In fact, a scary thing, as when I asked Dr Hong [the Onc] about recurrence a long time ago [last year? is that a long time? yes. for me], she said it would likely be the same symptoms I had initially…tiredness, swollen tummy. And I am TIRED. So tired I can almost scream.So tired I can almost cry. [And I have cried – I hate crying. It sucks.] But it doesn't mean sleepy. It means burning eyes, an exhausted body, leaden limbs…the left side of my face where it is affected by the synkinesis from the Bells palsy feels dreadful – I sometimes struggle to speak clearly. And I hate that too. But you know what? I used to think that was the worst of my problems. I used to dream that I would get my face 'fixed' and that afterward, everything would be ok. Oh, if I had only known what was to come…but the mind is as active as ever [hence the blog post!]

So, I am pissed off. I don't need this. I have already fought this battle. I am not …I don't know. I am not what? Prepared to fight it again?? Of course I have to. But I don't want to. Renninson called me and we had a meeting the next day, where he explained that he had found 'something' on the scan.

It's a 50/50 chance between cancer [recurrence] and scar tissue. I am all for scar tissue [doh]. He said the 'thickening' is where he had to 'tear the tumour' away from stuff it had grown onto. Ugh. Tear??

I went to Stoke this weekend. To see my 85 year old father-in-law. I went to my Mum and Dad's last week to see them. Both visits were so nice. I am very lucky. I have family who want to help me. But it's hard to allow. I can't help feeling that I am spreading a bloody plague of misery here. I don't want to do that. The thought makes me furious. Typing it makes me furious. I am pretty furious altogether this evening. So. Bear with me. Or stop reading now. I am in bitching mode. You have been warned.

Christmas was fun – amazingly enough. We got back from a 5 hour drive [which should have taken 3 hours - uff] to Stoke, and the 'Letter' was there. My MRI appointment for next Wednesday. The 6th January. God, it made me feel sick, but at the same time, it was the best letter to get.

Right now I have my granddaughter to stay – poor little thing has an middle ear infection – well, it's keeping me occupied with her instead of me, so maybe it's a gift [but it doesn't feel like one when you have a 5 year old crying from ear ache at 3.00 in the morning!]. When I am at the pc, she is here with her arms around my neck. When we do things, she is always around me. It's amazing – I have this beautiful child in my life, merely by luck.

I am hoping for more of that kind of luck!