Thursday, 31 December 2009


hmm – I haven't felt like blogging for a bit. And even if I had, the Christmas season has been a busy one, keeping me away from the pc – good. Actually I hate/love my pc – it keeps me in touch with everyone, but it also keeps a lot of tedious people in touch with me. Well, not for much longer – being unemployed means I can delete a lot of idiots!!

I have been and I still am, totally exhausted. Not a good thing. In fact, a scary thing, as when I asked Dr Hong [the Onc] about recurrence a long time ago [last year? is that a long time? yes. for me], she said it would likely be the same symptoms I had initially…tiredness, swollen tummy. And I am TIRED. So tired I can almost scream.So tired I can almost cry. [And I have cried – I hate crying. It sucks.] But it doesn't mean sleepy. It means burning eyes, an exhausted body, leaden limbs…the left side of my face where it is affected by the synkinesis from the Bells palsy feels dreadful – I sometimes struggle to speak clearly. And I hate that too. But you know what? I used to think that was the worst of my problems. I used to dream that I would get my face 'fixed' and that afterward, everything would be ok. Oh, if I had only known what was to come…but the mind is as active as ever [hence the blog post!]

So, I am pissed off. I don't need this. I have already fought this battle. I am not …I don't know. I am not what? Prepared to fight it again?? Of course I have to. But I don't want to. Renninson called me and we had a meeting the next day, where he explained that he had found 'something' on the scan.

It's a 50/50 chance between cancer [recurrence] and scar tissue. I am all for scar tissue [doh]. He said the 'thickening' is where he had to 'tear the tumour' away from stuff it had grown onto. Ugh. Tear??

I went to Stoke this weekend. To see my 85 year old father-in-law. I went to my Mum and Dad's last week to see them. Both visits were so nice. I am very lucky. I have family who want to help me. But it's hard to allow. I can't help feeling that I am spreading a bloody plague of misery here. I don't want to do that. The thought makes me furious. Typing it makes me furious. I am pretty furious altogether this evening. So. Bear with me. Or stop reading now. I am in bitching mode. You have been warned.

Christmas was fun – amazingly enough. We got back from a 5 hour drive [which should have taken 3 hours - uff] to Stoke, and the 'Letter' was there. My MRI appointment for next Wednesday. The 6th January. God, it made me feel sick, but at the same time, it was the best letter to get.

Right now I have my granddaughter to stay – poor little thing has an middle ear infection – well, it's keeping me occupied with her instead of me, so maybe it's a gift [but it doesn't feel like one when you have a 5 year old crying from ear ache at 3.00 in the morning!]. When I am at the pc, she is here with her arms around my neck. When we do things, she is always around me. It's amazing – I have this beautiful child in my life, merely by luck.

I am hoping for more of that kind of luck!


  1. I'm experiencing similar "tiredness" although in my case it makes me grumpy. Two months ago I was cheerfully cheerful 24/7. Now I am tired and grumpy. Perhaps we can attribute it to the effect of short winter days...the SAD effect. Let's hope! I wish you well with your MRI in January.

  2. I have had some type of urinary tract infection this Christmas. Just low level but reminiscent of old symptoms. It has brought three years ago flooding back to me and it is very alarming. What if? What if?
    I am waiting for results too. It's horrible. I am thinking about you and hope the New Year brings us happy and peaceful times. Hug x

  3. Poor love, so much on your plate at the moment! Sending you squeezes and sloppy kisses from the 'finks and me. Glad G is keeping you busy even if she is poorly with her ears, it is the blessing of children (as well as the curse when it is full time) that they can distract you from everything and mean that you simply HAVE to keep going. I suggest getting the duvet down and watching as much trashy TV as you both can take! Lots of love to you and everything crossable is crossed for scar tissue.

  4. I get exhausted around the holidays now - more than I used to. I think the residual chemo, dark days (as Whitestone said), and all of the stress from these scans and job hunting make it worse. I don't have quite as much energy as I used to - but I do listen to my body. When it needs rest, I try to rest. So try to rest Sandhy. You do not need to be superwoman :)

    Two years ago when I knew (I knew it - in my head and heart) that the chemo had not worked, I felt like I just could not *do* it again. This post brought all of those memories back for me. Just try to go one day at a time and the future will sort itself out.

    I'm rooting for scar tissue in the new year!

  5. thanks girls - I hope we ALL feel better in 2010. I have taken ALL the advice, and we watched tv and chilled out. Great stuff. Not usual in this household. Maybe I will do it more often!

    The Granddaughter is better now, so we are back to 'hectic' :o) yay

    Have a great year!!

  6. Just catching up on everything, sending up good thoughts and rooting for scar tissue all the way!! It's hard not to worry, but I really try to take each day as it comes and it kind of works. It sounds like you tried that with your grand daughter and family over the holiday's and it proved to be great food for the soul!! xoxo


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