Monday, 31 March 2008

25.yo-yo woman

Monday March 31st:
Hmm – being a bit lax with this blog I’m afraid. The last few days since the oncologists visit have been a tad yo-yo like. As in: one minute I was cheerful and positive, the next I was hopeless and miserable. One of the girls told me she doesn’t do ‘ill’. Well, I agree, as it’s a pain in the butt, but I usually don’t ‘do’ crying either. So imagine my surprise when on Wednesday I started crying at every little thing and couldn’t stop, or think what was up with me. Managed to keep this mostly under wraps, as Aj is back at work, luckily for him. Pointless to talk to anyone about it either, as the conversation would be: ‘so, why are you upset?’ answer would be: ‘I don’t bloody well knoooow’ ...dissolve to dramatic snivels in the vein of Tarantino. Hmm. Not constructive. And “are you ok?” leads to the reply [grumpily and ungratefully delivered] of “no, of course I’m not!! Whadda YOU think??” . Work went totally sideways, with 2 days spent doing a load of rubbish. More crying into the keyboard.

So by Thursday night this was sneaking [or rather, stampeding] into the general household domain. I was shopping for wigs on the internet, Aj came along to try to help me, and was thoroughly ill-treated [verbally! don’t worry, I am not an axe-murderer quite yet]. With his normal fortitude he kept coming back and trying to get through to me, which eventually he did. So we had a sensible look at the wig site, decided that the colour tabs are totally pathetic and that it would be more sensible to go into a shop and see some. Sunday’s little job. OK!! Good, now I have a plan, and that seemed to calm the old brain down a bit. Also worked out [much to my amusement] that having no hair for about 10 months will save me about £800.00 in hairdressers, shampoo, product etc. Cool!

I think that in the panic over going for chemo, I forgot that I am still recovering from massive surgery, a sudden menopause and a lot of shocking information, and was trying to be too normal. Er – this is stupid. I think that on Wednesday, the shock wore off, and everything just crashed down in my mind – plus I am sure my hormones are in league against me. Little creeps. What next. Plus I forgot all the good things. Stupidly. Again.

On Friday I’d got back to the point I was before all this self induced drama. I.e.: back to seeing the positive side of things and realising how lucky I am. Thank goodness for friends, and family and mostly for Andrew!! At least we have one sensible and sane person in the house. Friends from Oz arrived in Exeter on Sunday morning, so that was also a real boost, as one of them has a brain tumour of many years, and they were both really encouraging. Thanks! Morale city here now. Plus of course Tracey pointing out a few things which were really helpful and Mum phoning every day [this is to check I am still at large and haven’t yet got myself a prison sentence I think]. So, after seeing our friends, we nipped off to the wig shop – it was closed!! Incredible...all the best laid plans and all that. I swear it’s the only shop in Exeter not open on a Sunday. So that trip will be on Friday now, on the way to the pre-assessment for the first lot of chemo. But at least I know what I am doing again now.

Think I did a bit too much walking yesterday as well, as yesterday afternoon I was exhausted and my poor stomach was killing me. This morning it feels like ‘stiff muscles’, so I think hills are a bad idea for a bit. Now I intend to do at least one little walk a day, as the evenings are lighter, and Aj can chaperone me. I am still a bit concerned about trooping off on my own on foot, in case I fall asleep on a bench somewhere and get hauled away as a vagrant. It’s pretty odd how they do a slash, sew and off you go thing. No check up for seeing if the scar is healing well or if everything is ok etc. Anyway, we had the first BBQ [braai for you other lot heh heh] of the year!! Fantastic!! Summer will arrive at some point we hope, but yesterday we sat in the garden and it was brilliant [picture this: me, with a blanket over my knees?? hahahaha]. Had a few glasses of wine and an early night, and appear to be right as rain this morning apart form a bit of an aching feeling. I am now off the painkillers completely, but might munch one just to get past this.

Phew. I can now relax, get back on top of my work [after a lot of file deleting] and get on with wig buying, chemo and getting better. Good thing for me that I can work any time. I suppose this might happen again, but at least I am forewarned now. I think I just need to take even one positive action, and it helps a lot. Plus stop feeling sorry for myself, as I really don’t need to AND tell Aj as soon as it happens – easier to deal with it as a team.

Other cool things – my friend The Style Queen offered to BUY me a wig if I couldn’t afford to [such a darling] – my other friend The Queen of Sun Tan Minus the Sun, has helped me to turn instantly orange!! And is sending me some false eyelashes in the post. Good, my sense of humour has returned as well [just as well, as I now resemble a tangerine]. Decided to use self-tanner as the chemo and the sun apparently don’t go well together – I think it needs a little more experimenting yet. And I am sure a little bit of real sun may be ok. Will have to invest in Factor 50.

So, sun – where are you?

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